218 Reviews

[Tam]

scarven said:

Ghostchasers
by tamia_silverwing (Tamia)

I’ve been monitoring the series and having just finished most of my final papers I finally got down to finishing this review. Anyhoo, enough of me and on with the review, skipping typos or grammar errors.

First off, I’d like to commend Tamia and say that her series was really interesting! Just the right blend of action and intrigue to liven up the story, which, by the way, flowed rather nicely from the first part onwards. I have to comment that each part was rather short but, my preference for long stories notwithstanding, each part was perfectly balanced IMHO with the cliffhangers nicely

One thing I have to point out is that the plot seemed rather rushed with considerable parts of the story left hanging in favour of the action elements. The details of Cosmo’s master plan, his philosophy; little things like that. And the combat sequences were quite confusing with a lot of things going on at a time. I also think that Kiyoshi’s actions, especially under pressure were rather unrealistic, especially the way he seems to know the right thing to do at the right time. A minor point, considering that he does stumble once in a while with his judgment.

Nevertheless, the main selling point that drew me in was the characters themselves. Though I don’t really like Kiyoshi’s stiff demeanour he still emerges as the unwitting hero you portray him as. The other characters too contribute greatly to the story and I especially like it how Tamia managed to detail their various strengths, weaknesses, quirks and motivations. Suffice to say, Tamia’s efforts in character detail gets a thumbs up. Another thing that got my attention was the ‘owner-pet’ philosophy which I must admit was really ingenious if rather short on details.

Overall, I’d say Tamia has done a great job with the Ghostchaser series (her first by the way). Her writing style is commendable and even if the descriptions are a little curt they’re still above par. Keep up the good work and I hope to be seeing more of your work in the NT.

First of all, thanks so much for the review! I wasn't expecting one, since the series was almost over by the time I joined the forum. Bu it was a very thorough review, and I appreciate it.

I started writing the series about a year ago actually, so my writing's changed, and now that I read over it, my main problems with it are basically what you outlined. This'll help a lot while writing the sequel. *maniacal grin*

Thanks for the review and the comments! I'll get around to reviewing everyone's stuff in Issue 219, honest.

[Tdyans at work]

Quill's Travelogue
It was not clear at first whether the note at the beginning was supposed to be from the author (you) or from the character of Quill. Though it becomes obvious by the end that it was Quill, personally I would have left the note out still. Besides causing confusion, it gives away the plot twist and cuts the suspense and really is just all-around unnecessary.

You have some nice description of the setting in this piece. Sometimes, though, especially when it comes to clothing, you have too much description. It's not necessary to describe every piece of clothing that someone is wearing in great detail, and it tends to bog the story down and distract us from the point. Obviously some description is needed of clothing for plot and characterization reasons, but stick with just what is necessary and don't go overboard. Instead of describing every piece of a character's clothing, just mention what style of clothing they are wearing (peasant, disco, etc.) and let the reader fill in the specific details. The only specific items that you should bring up are those that have special significance apart from the rest of the character's wardrobe, such as Quill's quill and Lynaris' necklace.

I found myself kind of confused about the whole issue of when and why Lynaris becomes a werelupe, which is a big problem since that's pretty essential to the plot. Drake said she visits "only once a year during the nights when the moon is full," but that doesn't make sense because the moon is full more than once a year (and Lynaris later says that she visits once a month, I believe). And I didn't understand why she is a werelupe when the moon is *not* full instead of when it is full like a normal werelupe. The reason why she is different from the other werelupes is not explained. These details needed to be worked on a bit more, I think, to make them understandable to the reader and also to make sure that all of the facts lined up throughout the story and there were no conflicts.

Also, why did Lynaris have no worries about the villagers reading Quill's story and finding out the truth, even though she expected that her parents would read it?

I liked the character of Drake. Danny, though I found him annoying, was easy to picture as well. I actually felt like I didn't know Quill well enough, though. I didn't get much of an idea of his personality or who he is. There are mentions of him writing a column (the "travelogue" of the title, I assume), but only in passing, though it seems important to the resolution. I think it's an interesting idea that I'd like to see more of-- a character who travels around and writes about his experiences-- but in this story I almost felt like I had missed some introductory story that let us know about this premise. Characterization of a character who is also the narrator can be challenging, because he wouldn't naturally describe himself as he would others, but hopefully you'll continue to develop his personality through the way that he interacts with others and writes about them in future stories.

I also would have liked to have gotten to know Lynaris better since she is such a big part of the story. I don't really know her well enough or spend enough time with her to really sympathize with her as much as I want to when she tells her story. And though her story is basically the central element of this piece, I felt like a lot less time was given to it than a lot of other elements. The only thing for a while that lets us know what we're to focus on in the story is that opening note, which as I said, I would prefer to see removed. I think if you got rid of it and instead built up more mystery and suspense and interest around the werewolf stories and Lynaris and Quill's thoughts and questions about the whole situation, the resolution would have had a lot more punch.

On to technical matters:

Watch out for repetition in your sentences. "The wide expanse of trees... gave the small cluster of low hills a wide berth," "fall fell," "prompting new rounds of impromptu dancing."

The writing was pretty good overall, but there were some awkward sentences and words/phrases used incorrectly. Some examples:

Ah, such beauty of nature one cannot get from Neopia Central - and even so only once a year - a fact that did not escape the notice of my eyes.

Just end the sentence after "year." That last part is completely unnecessary (obviously it didn't escape his notice if he's writing about it) and awkward.

waving my arms out

Out where?

And at the centre of the eye, so to speak was Evercopse itself

"At the centre of the eye" is really awkward to me and brings up the wrong images.

No sooner had I plopped down onto the wooden stool, the Gelert whom I met earlier occupied the seat before me, grinning unreservedly.

You seem to have a problem sometimes with remembering how you started a sentence and how therefore it has to continue. If you use the phrase "no sooner", you have to use "than" somewhere. In this case, it should be before "the Gelert."

The Sharp-teeth hath cower

Just doesn't make sense. Cower="to cringe in fear".

The teardrop-shaped sapphire sparkled briefly before closing my fingers over it.

The most notable of a few instances of subject-verb agreement problems. "Sapphire" is your subject-- sparkled briefly is fine as a verb for that subject, but then you say "before closing my fingers over it" as well, literally saying that the sapphire closed his fingers. Change that last part to "before I closed my fingers over it."

your company is unfortunately overdue

I didn't understand what this meant. Work on clarity.

Finally, semicolons. I'll just say, you're using them incorrectly. Almost all of the ones in your story should have been commas. Study up on their correct application, and until you're confident in it, stick to commas and periods. Semicolons can be useful, but they're really not a necessary bit of punctuation like the others, and they seem to be the most confusing, so it's really just best to be safe and leave them alone much of the time.

Like I said, I think you have the beginnings of an interesting concept in the "travelogue" idea and it will be fun to see what you come up with and to see Quill's character develop further if you plan to write more of these. Just work on bringing your plot out more fully from amongst all of the description and details, and do just a bit more editing-- reading aloud what you've written will be especially helpful for catching problems.