Post by myrtale on May 11, 2007 14:04:31 GMT -5
ARTICLES
I see there is only one article from the group submitted this week. I rarely read the articles to be honest, but since joining the forum, I find myself solemnly taking peeks and curious skims through many. Not to mention I have carefully read this weeks Article by jockylocky. On to the review.
The Altador Cup by jockylocky
First off, I would like to say that I felt this was a great Idea. Not only that, but you speculate many questions that really made me think "hmm" myself. Not to mention the central idea of there being an annual Altador Cup was very fitting. That being said, I believe you stayed on focus, most of the time. There were many unnecessary spots mentioning Meridell and personally I find personal side notes to be a bit unfocused and makes an Article less appealing. It may just be me though, but I prefer the prestige and diligence of a well composed and formulated article. You have to think almost like you're writing an essay (though entirely different). Your main idea, transitions, and conclusion. Not only that but Information! To touch base on the information side of your article, I did feel you did your research well! Or, maybe you just payed attention during the Cup. For me, however, I was not present at that time, and your article informed me well of the basic going-ons at that time. However, there were some places where I felt you indulged in too much information than needed and times where the information was lacking. One of those points were the Semifinals. Maybe there really wasn't much to say, but one sentence made me feel like you rushed to finish. I'm very sure you could have come up with more, even something very interesting or witty. To go back to my comment about your transitions, I personally felt that you lacked in that area. You jumped from one idea tot he next. I rather prefer articles where everything flows gently down until the end. Connecting ideas and thoughts are almost a must!
Please, don't be discouraged! I noticed that this is your very first piece of writing in the Times. Honestly, I do believe you can build upon all this and evolve in to a wonderful Article writer. I would love to see you take in every constructive criticism from the reviews and put that in to more articles. Again, do no be discouraged! Be proud
SHORT STORIES
One of my favorite sections. I've always done well at writing short stories through out my literary education in high school. Infact I was always the black sheep in school, never completing homework unless it was appealing. Sure, I loved literature and majored in that stream, but that didn't mean I would do the work! Oh no, in fact I failed my second final year lit class (due to the fact I didn't show up for the exam LOL!) but passed the first because of two short stories I was able to write (Actually one was a fictional memoir, which my teacher actually suggest I do, though he recommended most stayed away from). Anyways enough of me! The flow from beginning to end can always be surprising and enchanting. Not to mention one of the best ways to end in surprise. A very difficult section sometimes though. Short being the key word. This weeks stories had some very creative touches and I must say original.
The Misadventures of a Red Hissi by extreme_fj0rd and kittengriffin
I will begin by saying something very honest. I had quite a hard time reading this story. Let me say that I did infact enjoy the unique idea behind the story. There was a bit of problem that though it was original for the Times, I felt that this came from a moment of twelve year olds. Not that it's a bad thing, no, infact it makes most readers (due to the average age range) feel more close tot he story. That, I must give props to.
What made it quite difficult for me was the twelve year old storytelling style it seemed to have. I know that I may be a stickler for more advanced writing, but sometimes a thesaurus can help.
There is my first example of what I was saying. Generally "whatever was in it" made me feel like a bad description. I know that I am a very horribly descriptive person, but I believe that every story should entail a certain needed amount of description no matter what. I'm not saying to over do it, but making your images come to life inside of someone's head can make a person feel much more close to a story. Sometimes, even living in it. Of course, you must leave lots to the imagination too. A gentle mix can create something much more powerful.
Hmm what book could that have been? I really wanted to know! Possible may have made me feel like I knew Keller better.
I believe, that the character development in this story was well done. From the beginning I could see a bit of Hayden's personality from the way he presented himself coming through the door.
Another problem in this story was flow! A very important thing to me. hmm, a bit too random and fast.
In conclusion, I really did enjoy this story, once I managed to get through it. I felt the play on character development made the story feel much more real. Everyone knew each other and there was a lot of emotion. I'll repeat what I said in The Altador Cup, don't take my criticism too rash! I saw this was also kittengriffin's first appearance in the times. I hope this helps!
Advert Attack by blackcairn
Wow, I laughed... so bad. I just thought I would put that up firstly.
Again, wow. This story was not only very original, but very fun to read. I loved reading it, infact. Not that I don't love reading everything in the Times, but this story was very enjoyable. Let me say that I really liked the appearance of Commander Garoo.
You fiend, you! Haha. Along with this and man other little side bits, there were many enjoyable side jokes that I also enjoyed reading. Putting a smile on my face was common in this story. Props to that.
Now, being all that and a bag of potato chips, there were a few critiques I had to mention. Oh yes, hate me! The biggest issue I felt this story had, was the ending. I thought that everything said and done had built me up for something extremely funny and possibly epic. Though your ending was well and left much to the imagination, I was just expecting more. Though I expected something extremely funny, I must say that it was still amusing and, infact did put a smile on my face. Well done. Perhaps the transition from the plan to outcome was a bit too fast for me, though, in contradiction, I personally can't imagine a better way to go about it. Maybe there was no choice, but, either way, I still felt like things were missing and it ended up being a tad too short.
Very clever idea. You did a wonderful job, and I may just read back to a few of your previous written stories soon
Rupert's First Mission by puffpastry654
This was a very nice story. It felt very realistic. Infact, I really enjoyed the fact you gave the Mootix from the game personalities. I just love petpetpets. I think they're a very fun subject to write about (My story in 291 features one). There isn't much for me to critique on though. However, one problem I found was that though the ending was nicely fitting, i think it went a little too fast for how you had been writing the whole time. After such a wonderfully built up climax, the end result didn't flow out so well. Also, I fell that this story is like many war stories you see on tv or read about. A newbie soldier coming out triumphant. It's sweet but sometimes overdone. All in all, regardless I do believe this was very, very well written, descriptive, and realistic. Good job!
Freedom by springsteen0991
Ahh, the first person view. A tricky skill, yet one that can result in a fantastic story. You chose well your techniques. The opening of the story explained well what was needed to know. Openings are normally one of the most important things for a reader to hold on to attention for a story. A perfect opening sentence. However, the rest of your opening seemed to push me away a bit. Though it kept me hanging on without too much effort.
I noticed that at times you overstressed some little facts or sayings needlessly.
It felt like old news to me.
I saw this several times. Another tricky bit. It's very hard to use a repetitive phrase or saying to convey a point across, but I think you did fairly well. However, especially near the beginning, there was a bit too repetitiveness in it. The end was well done though. It was put in unsuspecting.
My last thought was of your conveyance of Laurence's personality. There was an understanding all out of how he treated others. He saw the better in people, but I think at the end he realized this about himself. Very good. Personal development in characters is highly important. You did this really well!
Sibby and the Beach Cave by myrtale
Well, this was mine, so nothing to say! Thank you to those who had reviewed.
A Faerie Tale by themagpiesbanter
This story was really exciting. It seemed to draw me in. What I absolutely like about this story is the way you've picked something possibly common to the reader and referred to it. The only problem with this was it's length. It was a big block of text with only little to do with the story itself. Shortening it (but still saying all you need to say!) would have been a good idea. I know that seems a bit demanding given all that you tried to get across, but I know you can come up with the perfect solution.
I don't know.. Maybe it is the thought of someone practicing to fly so high above the ground when they can just hover a few inches from the blades of grass that make me find this fact slightly unrealistic to me. Or, I could just read in to things too much.
This seemed to almost contradict your previous fact. Was she afraid of flying or just a procrastinator? What kind of person is she then? It made me a bit confused. I think, your intention was to make her both, in which case there could have been a bit better wording to link the two.
If that happened to me, I'd not announce that out loud. I would have expected that to be in thought rather than speech. It's not like she has anyone to talk to. Perhaps it was your intention to make it thought, but forgot to do so.
This was a very sweet story, especially for the ending. I really enjoyed the suspense throughout. You were very good at building up. Not to mention, there were many elements entwined.
Cunningly funny.
I would like to know how a dagger managed to get on the top branch of a tree... I don't think the wind could carry it and I just can not imagine someone throwing a perfectly good dagger up in the trees for no reason. Unless the Braintree told them to do it. Everyone must obey the Braintree.
Well anyway, I adored this story. The ending was just too sweet.
COMICS
Phew! The last sections took me ages! Comics are so fun to read! One thing I notice about them is that they're always the funny sort. I rarely see any other kinds, which is a bit of a disappointment to me, as I enjoy reading more epic tales. Anyways this week's comics were really a funny bunch!
Welcome To My Life by jambammer
This was definitely cute. It reminded me of my own brother (though I don't see him too often, he's a weird kid, like I once was.. not that I'm still not weird.. eh heh.) I wasn't really sure what to expect though, but it ended perfectly. One comment I'd like to make is that of the hair. I'm not sure but from the way you do the art for your comic, the hair didn't seem to match. Reminded me of when I was little and tried to draw hair. Other than that, a really nice and personal comic!
Down For Maintenance by linnipooh and blubberblob
Oh the Irony. The Irony! I don't think you need more comments about the irony. Anyways, very well d one! Made me laugh. A lot.
COMIKAZE II by bird_brain312 and kai_paw
Awesome! Featuring the Braintree! The best thing ever! This gave me a nice chuckle. Brains for the win. Also as someone else mentioned, very nice for using Paint! Though I'm not sure why you gave it the title you did... I saw no relation to the first one. Neither presentation nor relating humor. Well, maybe you can tell me (Unless this has been answered just point me in the direction)
Why Some Petpets Don't Have Petpetpets by flutterflies and kamikatze24
Ha! This ended perfectly. I liked the transition between frames. It was nice. Also, I could really see this sort of thing happening. Infact I'm always hoping TNT hasn't decided to make my Fangy eat it's Breebly.
Amikarashui #3 by bluecloud300
Let me just say that the one thing that irks me the most is Japanese titles for comics. It's unnecessary. Neopets is not Japanese. Sure, it's got Japanese translated but... Your comic is not entirely in Japanese either, so what's the point? Maybe I know what it says, maybe I don't, but many won't and so.. what's the point? I suggest the best solution would have been a little translated word beneath. Now, I really like the softness int he colors you use. I'm not really sure why but it makes it much more attractive to me. s for the central idea; brilliant. I was definitely not expecting that ending! It build up, too, which was a nice bonus. I really wondered what could there be to conclude. Perfect. It made me do a really, really, long giggle!
PS Anveda is emo. Ha ha ha.
CONTINUED SERIES
Unfortunately, I will only be reading the new series from here on that come up as well as their coming parts. I just don't have the time to read back so many parts that had already begun. I may possibly in the future do so, but as of now, like I said, I just don't have the time. Also, I've chosen to leave reviewing until the story has completed. I just prefer it that way, as reviewing each section wont influence the next section (they're all sent in at once).
Continued series are infact another favorite section of mine. They allow much more development and thought as well as plot! I'm looking forward to reviewing those as they conclude.
Okay, that's all from me. I hope I didn't miss anyone.
I see there is only one article from the group submitted this week. I rarely read the articles to be honest, but since joining the forum, I find myself solemnly taking peeks and curious skims through many. Not to mention I have carefully read this weeks Article by jockylocky. On to the review.
The Altador Cup by jockylocky
First off, I would like to say that I felt this was a great Idea. Not only that, but you speculate many questions that really made me think "hmm" myself. Not to mention the central idea of there being an annual Altador Cup was very fitting. That being said, I believe you stayed on focus, most of the time. There were many unnecessary spots mentioning Meridell and personally I find personal side notes to be a bit unfocused and makes an Article less appealing. It may just be me though, but I prefer the prestige and diligence of a well composed and formulated article. You have to think almost like you're writing an essay (though entirely different). Your main idea, transitions, and conclusion. Not only that but Information! To touch base on the information side of your article, I did feel you did your research well! Or, maybe you just payed attention during the Cup. For me, however, I was not present at that time, and your article informed me well of the basic going-ons at that time. However, there were some places where I felt you indulged in too much information than needed and times where the information was lacking. One of those points were the Semifinals. Maybe there really wasn't much to say, but one sentence made me feel like you rushed to finish. I'm very sure you could have come up with more, even something very interesting or witty. To go back to my comment about your transitions, I personally felt that you lacked in that area. You jumped from one idea tot he next. I rather prefer articles where everything flows gently down until the end. Connecting ideas and thoughts are almost a must!
Please, don't be discouraged! I noticed that this is your very first piece of writing in the Times. Honestly, I do believe you can build upon all this and evolve in to a wonderful Article writer. I would love to see you take in every constructive criticism from the reviews and put that in to more articles. Again, do no be discouraged! Be proud
SHORT STORIES
One of my favorite sections. I've always done well at writing short stories through out my literary education in high school. Infact I was always the black sheep in school, never completing homework unless it was appealing. Sure, I loved literature and majored in that stream, but that didn't mean I would do the work! Oh no, in fact I failed my second final year lit class (due to the fact I didn't show up for the exam LOL!) but passed the first because of two short stories I was able to write (Actually one was a fictional memoir, which my teacher actually suggest I do, though he recommended most stayed away from). Anyways enough of me! The flow from beginning to end can always be surprising and enchanting. Not to mention one of the best ways to end in surprise. A very difficult section sometimes though. Short being the key word. This weeks stories had some very creative touches and I must say original.
The Misadventures of a Red Hissi by extreme_fj0rd and kittengriffin
I will begin by saying something very honest. I had quite a hard time reading this story. Let me say that I did infact enjoy the unique idea behind the story. There was a bit of problem that though it was original for the Times, I felt that this came from a moment of twelve year olds. Not that it's a bad thing, no, infact it makes most readers (due to the average age range) feel more close tot he story. That, I must give props to.
What made it quite difficult for me was the twelve year old storytelling style it seemed to have. I know that I may be a stickler for more advanced writing, but sometimes a thesaurus can help.
...even though tissue paper covered whatever was in it.
The Korbat's present turned out to be an uncommon, even rare, book Keller had wanted for ages;
I believe, that the character development in this story was well done. From the beginning I could see a bit of Hayden's personality from the way he presented himself coming through the door.
Another problem in this story was flow! A very important thing to me.
“’Kay. Hey, can I show you a trick I learned?”
In conclusion, I really did enjoy this story, once I managed to get through it. I felt the play on character development made the story feel much more real. Everyone knew each other and there was a lot of emotion. I'll repeat what I said in The Altador Cup, don't take my criticism too rash! I saw this was also kittengriffin's first appearance in the times. I hope this helps!
Advert Attack by blackcairn
The Mynci smirked. “You forgot a ‘c’ in Snackrifice.”
“There are no typos when you are talking!” the Grundo retorted.
“There are no typos when you are talking!” the Grundo retorted.
Wow, I laughed... so bad. I just thought I would put that up firstly.
Again, wow. This story was not only very original, but very fun to read. I loved reading it, infact. Not that I don't love reading everything in the Times, but this story was very enjoyable. Let me say that I really liked the appearance of Commander Garoo.
“Where do you get these statistics?” Windan asked incredulously.
“The Neopian Times,” the Mynci answered casually.
“The Neopian Times,” the Mynci answered casually.
Now, being all that and a bag of potato chips, there were a few critiques I had to mention. Oh yes, hate me! The biggest issue I felt this story had, was the ending. I thought that everything said and done had built me up for something extremely funny and possibly epic. Though your ending was well and left much to the imagination, I was just expecting more. Though I expected something extremely funny, I must say that it was still amusing and, infact did put a smile on my face. Well done. Perhaps the transition from the plan to outcome was a bit too fast for me, though, in contradiction, I personally can't imagine a better way to go about it. Maybe there was no choice, but, either way, I still felt like things were missing and it ended up being a tad too short.
Very clever idea. You did a wonderful job, and I may just read back to a few of your previous written stories soon
Rupert's First Mission by puffpastry654
This was a very nice story. It felt very realistic. Infact, I really enjoyed the fact you gave the Mootix from the game personalities. I just love petpetpets. I think they're a very fun subject to write about (My story in 291 features one). There isn't much for me to critique on though. However, one problem I found was that though the ending was nicely fitting, i think it went a little too fast for how you had been writing the whole time. After such a wonderfully built up climax, the end result didn't flow out so well. Also, I fell that this story is like many war stories you see on tv or read about. A newbie soldier coming out triumphant. It's sweet but sometimes overdone. All in all, regardless I do believe this was very, very well written, descriptive, and realistic. Good job!
Freedom by springsteen0991
Ahh, the first person view. A tricky skill, yet one that can result in a fantastic story. You chose well your techniques. The opening of the story explained well what was needed to know. Openings are normally one of the most important things for a reader to hold on to attention for a story.
Growing up was a most fascinating experience for me.
I noticed that at times you overstressed some little facts or sayings needlessly.
It’s not like I would know; I can’t exactly watch myself perform or anything.
I really can’t tell you whether I was very elegant or precise when I reentered the water, so maybe you should ask someone else.
Some might say
My last thought was of your conveyance of Laurence's personality. There was an understanding all out of how he treated others. He saw the better in people, but I think at the end he realized this about himself. Very good. Personal development in characters is highly important. You did this really well!
Sibby and the Beach Cave by myrtale
Well, this was mine, so nothing to say! Thank you to those who had reviewed.
A Faerie Tale by themagpiesbanter
This story was really exciting. It seemed to draw me in. What I absolutely like about this story is the way you've picked something possibly common to the reader and referred to it.
Have you ever, perhaps, played hide-and-go-seek..
Perhaps she would practice more if the fear of hurtling to the ground were not so great.
But Magpie just procrastinated.
“It was only a little Meowclops, after all...”
This was a very sweet story, especially for the ending. I really enjoyed the suspense throughout. You were very good at building up. Not to mention, there were many elements entwined.
“Yes, I adore being trapped. I think I’ll have a bit of tea while I’m down here; I’ll make a permanent thing of it. Quite a lovely view.”
I would like to know how a dagger managed to get on the top branch of a tree... I don't think the wind could carry it and I just can not imagine someone throwing a perfectly good dagger up in the trees for no reason. Unless the Braintree told them to do it. Everyone must obey the Braintree.
Well anyway, I adored this story. The ending was just too sweet.
COMICS
Phew! The last sections took me ages! Comics are so fun to read! One thing I notice about them is that they're always the funny sort. I rarely see any other kinds, which is a bit of a disappointment to me, as I enjoy reading more epic tales. Anyways this week's comics were really a funny bunch!
Welcome To My Life by jambammer
This was definitely cute. It reminded me of my own brother (though I don't see him too often, he's a weird kid, like I once was.. not that I'm still not weird.. eh heh.) I wasn't really sure what to expect though, but it ended perfectly. One comment I'd like to make is that of the hair. I'm not sure but from the way you do the art for your comic, the hair didn't seem to match. Reminded me of when I was little and tried to draw hair. Other than that, a really nice and personal comic!
Down For Maintenance by linnipooh and blubberblob
Oh the Irony. The Irony! I don't think you need more comments about the irony. Anyways, very well d one! Made me laugh. A lot.
COMIKAZE II by bird_brain312 and kai_paw
Awesome! Featuring the Braintree! The best thing ever! This gave me a nice chuckle. Brains for the win. Also as someone else mentioned, very nice for using Paint! Though I'm not sure why you gave it the title you did... I saw no relation to the first one. Neither presentation nor relating humor. Well, maybe you can tell me (Unless this has been answered just point me in the direction)
Why Some Petpets Don't Have Petpetpets by flutterflies and kamikatze24
Ha! This ended perfectly. I liked the transition between frames. It was nice. Also, I could really see this sort of thing happening. Infact I'm always hoping TNT hasn't decided to make my Fangy eat it's Breebly.
Amikarashui #3 by bluecloud300
Let me just say that the one thing that irks me the most is Japanese titles for comics. It's unnecessary. Neopets is not Japanese. Sure, it's got Japanese translated but... Your comic is not entirely in Japanese either, so what's the point? Maybe I know what it says, maybe I don't, but many won't and so.. what's the point? I suggest the best solution would have been a little translated word beneath. Now, I really like the softness int he colors you use. I'm not really sure why but it makes it much more attractive to me. s for the central idea; brilliant. I was definitely not expecting that ending! It build up, too, which was a nice bonus. I really wondered what could there be to conclude. Perfect. It made me do a really, really, long giggle!
PS Anveda is emo. Ha ha ha.
CONTINUED SERIES
Unfortunately, I will only be reading the new series from here on that come up as well as their coming parts. I just don't have the time to read back so many parts that had already begun. I may possibly in the future do so, but as of now, like I said, I just don't have the time. Also, I've chosen to leave reviewing until the story has completed. I just prefer it that way, as reviewing each section wont influence the next section (they're all sent in at once).
Continued series are infact another favorite section of mine. They allow much more development and thought as well as plot! I'm looking forward to reviewing those as they conclude.
Okay, that's all from me. I hope I didn't miss anyone.