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Post by Dan on May 6, 2007 21:05:17 GMT -5
Thanks Dan! Yeah, I meant it to be a quick read because the voice is kind of like an old guy telling a story from his youth. The beach was oh so very convenient, and a few other parts of the story were too. I wasn't thinking about the plot, just the characters. As always. xD Anyway, I should probably catch up on Revenge and Resistance, it's gotten such good reviews. o-o Maybe tomorrow after my AP government exam or something. ^__^ That's so kind of you.
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Post by Deleted on May 6, 2007 22:00:39 GMT -5
Before I begin, I would like to just say this: WOW. The quality of the short stories in this issue were astounding. I was afraid I was going to have to drag myself through a bunch of fairly poorly written pieces, but I was pleasantly surprised. Generally, they were all short and sweet -- short to the point that it's easy to read, but not so short that it's too brisk. That, of course, is awesome. Good job to everyone! ;D A Faerie Tale by the MagpieWoah. You've got some definite talent with description, Magpie! I was amazed. I consider myself eloquent, but you put me to shame. Great job! You employ your words with great skill and confidence, and I felt mesmerized by your opening descriptions. Magpie is a very believable character and I like you wrote about a young faerie for a change; it's not a very overdone concept, at least not to me anyways. As for criticisms: you use the word "swarthy" to describe the night. I always thought that "swarthy" was supposed to be in reference to skin color? Also, I think you may have been able to split up your opening paragraphs a bit better. Finally, Magpie's success at flying seemed a tiny bit too rushed, but nothing too bad, not that it detracted from the story, anyways. Great job on this, Magpie. I really enjoyed reading it. I love how you ended it on a sort of uncertain note, leaving it open for a sequel. Hesperus was a really neat character and I loved his joke about the Brain Tree. XD But yeah, great job. I'll be looking forward to more works from you. Advert Attack by blackcairnLol, this story was funny. It was *very* quick and charged by dialogue, which was refreshing; I'm very used to reading stories where large amounts of time are spent setting the scene, but this story just charged right into the action. The characters you present are all humorous in their own respects, and are used to great effect; even though we don't see them for very long, they're all memorable, which is very good. I love how Dr. Sloth acted and I especially loved the ads at the end. XD I also like how you refer to Dr. Sloth as an avocado at the beginning. Really, he looks so much more like an avocado than a chicken. Why does this seem so eerily true? XD Anyways, as for criticisms... Well, there were a couple of instances where you had some grammatical errors (in the quote I just made, you actually forgot the period at the end). I got a bit mixed up with the names of all your characters, and I had to go back and match them all up. Apart from that, I loved this story. You use the fact that it isn't long to wondrous effect. Having this as a long, over-descriptive affair would have ruined it. Good job. Freedom by GuyThis piece was just great. It was inspiring, well-written, and very realistic. I loved how you employed the first person in this story; I think it would've been ruined had you have written this from any other perspective. I really liked Laurence, by the way. The way you write from his perspective is really what I think defines this story. This was really well done, Guy; good job. I love how you describe the ocean. It makes me want to go to the beach. Anyways, as for criticisms: the break between Donald and Laurence seemed sort of too quick. I mean, I know that if I had known someone since my childhood, I wouldn't just immediately purge any thought of them from my mind. What Donald did was awful, of course, and there was no way their friendship could be salvaged -- if you could even call their relationship a "friendship" -- but I expected Laurence would at least have some misgivings about just abandoning the person he's been so close to his whole life. With that aside, I really enjoyed this story. Good job, Guy. The Misadventures of a Red Hissi by Fj0rd and ShadeThis was a funny story. XD Hypnotism is such an interesting concept, and it's certainly a unique one, especially for the NT. The irony at the end was wonderful, and got me laughing. Keller's determination to "return" to being a pink Lenny seemed believable, and was very well-done. You tackled this fairly uncommon concept with finesse, so good job to the both of you. (Congrats on getting into the NT by the way, Shade.) I also found it sort of spooky just how well the pic this story had fit -- it's not even custom, but the Hissi is red and the background is filled with hypnotic swirls. Cool. Anyways, for criticisms... Let me see. Well, this really might not have been your fault, but the broken italics tag sort of threw me off at the end. (It was broken, right?) The friends at the very end seemed sort of completely out of the blue, but it wasn't too bad; they could've done with a bit more characterization, although I think that might've made the story seem more sluggish. Apart from that, though, I thought this story was great. Good job to the both of you. Sibby and the Beach Cave by MyrtaleFirst of all, congrats on getting into the NT. Overall, I enjoyed reading this story. I like your descriptions, as they all seem fairly well-placed. I also very much loved the ending, as I wasn't expecting it. Unexpected endings are always good. (Well, for the most part, anyways.) You also have a fairly strong vocabulary. As for criticisms, let's see... You use modifiers a lot (within two paragraphs, you clarify Cassie as an Ogrin twice). You also capitalize pet colors, which I don't think is necessary. The dialogue at the beginning really confused me, and, as a result, I sort of got lost with your characters. Dialogue popped in at parts where I think it would have been less confusing had nothing been said. You also reiterate the fact that they see pirates a couple more times than I think was necessary. Grammatically, I think you mispelled Sibby's name as Sibbly at the very beginning, but that might've been intentional. Apart from that, though, I really liked this story. Good job, and congrats again on making it into the NT. I hope to see more of your work. Rupert's First Mission by PuffThis was a very well-written story, for one. I love the amount of description you use; I'm such a sucker for descriptions. The overall theme and structure of this story flowed very well, and you did an excellent job of making this seem like an official war-time story. I also like how you included more petpetpets than just the Cooties as their enemies, which was what I had been expecting. I was a bit surprised that you managed to sneak "pray for a miracle" in there. That's very interesting. Rupert was a very neat character. I think I could relate to him if I was in a similar situation. Now, as for criticisms... You go back and forth between capitalizing and keeping lowercase the word "petpetpet", which breaks up your continuity. (I think it's supposed to be lowercase, but I'm not sure.) You do the same thing with "Mootix" which I think is supposed to be kept uppercase. Apart from that... I thought the ending was, frankly, off-putting. >_> It really makes the Mootix army seem like it really has no sense of unity, if they're willing to shove their commander without a parachute into the open air. Commanders are supposed to be mean, after all, and Xavier talked back. On this same note, I found it a bit odd that he managed to be promoted for back-talking and being punished. I mean, I thought Xavier's punishment was overly severe, but I didn't think the commander deserved the same fate. *shrug* Apart from the ending, though, I really liked this story. It's got the perfect balance of action and description that I love. The war-like atmosphere of this piece was done very well, and like how you describe the battle as it goes on. Good job, Puff, and congrats on getting into the NT, too. ;D
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Post by puffydude on May 7, 2007 6:45:50 GMT -5
Thanks, Jason. Looking back on it now, I see what you mean. Originally I though it was a good ending, but, thinking about what you said, I realise it probably would have worked better in different settings.
The grammar mistakes were just... cringeful. Sorry if it detracted any of the enjoyment from it.
Anyways, thanks for everything. I have a sneaking feeling Rupert's going to come back for more adventures here and there, but for now he's being put away for later.
Thanks again!
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2007 13:48:18 GMT -5
Thanks, Jason! =D I'm so glad you like my description-ary-ness. x3 It's my favourite sort of thing, as opposed to writing a lot of dialogue. In retrospect, yeah, it was rushed a bit. XD And about swarthy...sometimes I just use words...weirdly. XD But what lovely compliments from someone who has been published in the NT probably 345,192,385 times! x3 I'm still contemplating another story I can do with them, but it's pretty hard for me, since this is the first Neopets-related thing I've ever written. Hopefully I shall be inspired. =D
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2007 16:18:55 GMT -5
Revenge and Resistance: Part Five by DanI like how this story is coming along. I also very much enjoy your writing style, Dan. You have a perfect balance between description and action that I find very appealing. You don't bog people down with details or rush them with goings-on; you have things evenly paced, and I like that. Good job. Anyways, as for the story itself... I'm *very* glad that the resistance isn't just like, "OMG Garoo must automatically be teh good guy!!11!" I don't know about you, but if one of the enemy's most powerful advisors just suddenly defected and joined up with me, I wouldn't trust him easily at all, and in that sense, the story is realistic. I like how Cylara's character is coming along, as she's quite like I imagined her. I was very surprised when you threw in the bit with Fyora -- I wasn't expecting that at all! I expected this to remain a solely extraterrestrial affair. XD I like how you tie her into things, as I know now things are going to get really interesting. Anyways, I can't wait for the next part. Good job!
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Post by Dan on May 7, 2007 16:29:00 GMT -5
Revenge and Resistance: Part Five by DanI like how this story is coming along. I also very much enjoy your writing style, Dan. You have a perfect balance between description and action that I find very appealing. You don't bog people down with details or rush them with goings-on; you have things evenly paced, and I like that. Good job. Anyways, as for the story itself... I'm *very* glad that the resistance isn't just like, "OMG Garoo must automatically be teh good guy!!11!" I don't know about you, but if one of the enemy's most powerful advisors just suddenly defected and joined up with me, I wouldn't trust him easily at all, and in that sense, the story is realistic. I like how Cylara's character is coming along, as she's quite like I imagined her. I was very surprised when you threw in the bit with Fyora -- I wasn't expecting that at all! I expected this to remain a solely extraterrestrial affair. XD I like how you tie her into things, as I know now things are going to get really interesting. Anyways, I can't wait for the next part. Good job! Thanks very much, and to everyone else who reviewed as well. ^_^ I appreciate all the kind comments.
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2007 18:17:50 GMT -5
The Altador Cup by jockylockyThat was an enjoyable article. I think you could have put a little more description into your telling of the last contestants' placements, but as it was, it was well-done, so I guess that's only a matter of personal opinion. Your interview was short, but I enjoyed reading that as well. It'd make sense if the Altador Cup was annual, and I hope it.
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Post by jockylocky on May 7, 2007 19:36:11 GMT -5
The Altador Cup by jockylockyThat was an enjoyable article. I think you could have put a little more description into your telling of the last contestants' placements, but as it was, it was well-done, so I guess that's only a matter of personal opinion. Your interview was short, but I enjoyed reading that as well. It'd make sense if the Altador Cup was annual, and I hope it. Thanks! After i submitted it, i looked over it and i kicked myself for some things (Over emphasized my point about Meridell, and like you said, i could've made the interview longer) But anyway, thanks for the review
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Post by linni on May 7, 2007 21:06:03 GMT -5
Yes ... that is me Thanks for the nice review, Wolf!
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Post by Nimras on May 7, 2007 22:24:53 GMT -5
Sibby and the Beach Caveby myrtale Mmmm pirates. Bring me my rum… A booming whiny voice? I’m having a hard time picturing that, for some reason. Booming: make a resonant sound, like artillery; "His deep voice boomed through the hall" a deep prolonged loud noise Whining: snivel: talk in a tearful manner whimper: a complaint uttered in a plaintive whining way They kind of clash. I think I get at what you were trying to aim at, but the phrasing really threw me off. As a side note, how is it “another booming voice” if the first voice was “wispy?” Perhaps, “Another voice, this one booming…” That’s a lot of stuff happening in one sentence; it’s really easy to get lost. *Action* before *previous action* before *action*. Maybe something more like, “Heroun giggled slightly, turning to see what Cassie was staring at. His jaw dropped…” Slightly started? What is a slightly started? …Do you mean slightly startled? Was she startled before what she saw, or did she turn to see it because she was startled? declared: declared as fact; explicitly stated; decisive frantically: in an uncontrolled manner; "they searched frantically for their child" So… “We’d better leave,” Heroun said decisively, in an uncontrolled manner. I know teachers tell you to use a lot of variety in your words, and to avoid things like, “he said” a lot in your work; but not all “synonyms” for words like said are actual synonyms. That’s why they are different words in the first place. It’s okay to use the word said, I promise. And they can just be said, they don’t all have to be, “he said tremulously” or “he said excitedly.” A lot of authors will tell you to avoid the -ly words for describing how someone says something altogether (which I don’t agree with) but you don’t need them all the time. They’re like the exclamation point -- use them when you really need to make an emotional impact. They fewer you use, the more powerful the ones you use are. Does this mean that Sibby is now banned from eating the refried beans ever again? ;D …sorry, couldn’t help myself there… Though the mental image of that made me hurt myself with my drink; I’m a very warped person. Though really, what “dreadful air” surrounded them? Was it musty? Had Sibby indeed eaten more beans than her system could handle? Was it just a general mood of depression? A feeling of dread? Awww, I like Sterval; a lot of people wouldn’t take a bunch of kids descending down upon them like that with as much dignity for all parties. *grin* *scrolls up* He’d said that before? Or did you mean that he was not paying attention? I’m confused… I really like the characters, you can tell that they really know each other well and play these types of games together a lot. It’s hard to make your characters have emotional interaction, especially when they’re kids, but you’ve pulled it off well. I’d suggest you read a previous Time’s piece by our very own Schefflera, " Mauled by a Thesaurus." Not only is it a very well written article (one of my favorites) I think it’ll help you bump your writing abilities up to the next level. You’ve got a nice foundation, sometimes you just need a little help smoothing down the edges. Trust me on that, you should see some of my old stories and the problems I had with Point of View shifts with characters. *grin*
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2007 0:41:24 GMT -5
Wow, Jason, thanks so much for the review. I'm glad the distinct character voice I was pushing came through. As far as Laurence's breaking away from Donald is concerned, I can make a few excuses, but I pretty much agree with you. I wish I had made that part of the story longer to give more character insight. But anyway, I should let you know, I wanted the story to kind of parallel a relationship between a child and an abusive parent. But I knew I couldn't write about that on neopets, so I changed it into this little kid-free-Willy thing. Like you know how Laurence's own feelings are practically dormant during his childhood? It's 'cause I learned at school that most children undergoing abuse in their households grow accustomed to it, accept it, don't even question it. It's horrible. So when Laurence has that epiphany (or in the parallel situation, the abused child reaches a certain point of maturity where he can be fully cognizant of his situation, and seek alternative solutions) and is liberated from Donald, he really doesn't try to look back or ponder the situation. Now I also realize that real child abuse victims usually undergo severe depression, have to see trauma counselors, etc, but since all Laurence was really doing was swimming around in a pool doing tricks mindlessly, I didn't think he should be traumatized. Anyway, that was a bit off topic but to answer your critique, yeah, I agree with you. ;D Revenge and Resistance: Part Fiveby dan4884 Boy, I'm glad I'm no longer missing out on this series. It's strange, I'm usually so disinterested in Sloth plots and wars, but I'm hooked. The characters are real, Sloth isn't a goofball, and you write in a way that clearly defines and separates the characters from one another. I don't know about you, but sometimes when I'm writing, I realize that I've written two characters in the exact same style and they're just clones of each other. Things like "the Aisha's ears drooping" to show her obedience and Cylara's little comic relief moment with Gormos really add to the story and create distinct characters. The suspense also wins. I don't know what it wins, but there's just so much suspense after every chapter, and it wins. The only thing I would change is the fragmentation. There are a lot of ***s and it can sometimes be a little choppy. I know it's hard and takes a lot of work, but it might be a good idea to connect parts of the story together through transitional phrases or linking ideas or emotions, something like that. I try not to put more than 4 ***s a chapter, otherwise readers might get lost. =/ However, I'm not lost at all, and judging by your good reviews, I don't think anyone else is. xD The story is still pretty smooth, and I really enjoy it. I'll be reading it next week for sure -- it's awesome! Inspirationby c_h_e_e_z_e_s Did anyone else read this? I really enjoyed it. It ended up inspiring me to write some more of my series, hehe. I don't think this person is an NTWF member yet, so someone should invite him or her, and quick. I'm not going to actually review the story in depth, just wanted to say I liked it. ^_^ Sibby and the Beach Caveby myrtale Wow, you have a lot of strength in your descriptions. They're really clear and well written! Heh, that reminds me a little bit of J. K. Rowling's writing style. Anyway, it was a cute story. I liked the characterized voice of the Yurble. I like Yurbles in general. Yurbles win. Watch out for diction in dialogue. I don't think a booming voice can whine, exactly, hehe. Just make sure to look up definitions of words before you use them, I know it's tedious, but it's really helpful. Also, don't be afraid to just write "he said" or "she said" every now and then. It's boring, but it just works that way sometimes or else the modifiers distract the reader too much. You do have quite a vocabulary though. You kind of reminds me of my old writing style, like some of my first pieces, and, as I can see, this is your first piece! Congratulations on making it into the times! I think you'll do well in the NT. Great job.
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2007 14:33:13 GMT -5
Advert Attack by blackcairn This was definitely a unique story. It was simple, and the conclusion left me hanging a bit, but I had a great time reading it. Things flowed easily from one part to another, and some of the ideas raised were quite plausible and logical. I liked that. The idea for talking ads was just brilliant, and the slogans for them were amazing. I particularly loved "Warfs not rescuing? Feed Florg!" The fact that the statistics came from the Neopian Times was, for me, something that added a bit of lasting comedy, though I can't exactly say why.
The one thing that confused me, though, was the ending. To me, the operation seemed to have been a success, yet to the last speaker, it hadn't gone right, and I can't understand why he/she thought so (unless the advertisements had all begun attacking Sloth's minions, at which it would make sense). Nevertheless, still a great story.
Freedom by springsteen0991 The name and tone of this character got me. At first, to be honest, I had thought the narrator was a "she," not a "he," so it did come as a bit of a shock when I learned "her" name was Laurence. There probably wasn't anything you could have done to prevent this, but it's worth letting you know, I guess. Second, the name "Laurence" seemed too formal for such a casual narrator; in my opinion, calling him Larry would have fit his personality better. As well, his extensive vocabulary, though always keeping the story fresh and vivid, sometimes seemed a bit out of place and disruptive to the flow.
This story, beyond those few things I named above, was a really good, incredibly well-written, and amazingly enjoyable story. It had true depth of character (both literary and figuratively, lol) and great, fluid and entertaining descriptions (I personally loved the brief rant on ramming into the wall feeling as if Kreludor had fallen on his head). It told a wonderful tale of friendship (if you'd call it that), of growing up, and of meeting the world anew. It was a wonderful story; great job.
The Misadventures of a Red Hissi by extreme_fj0rd and kittengriffin I enjoyed reading this story. I wasn't quite certain what would happen, but it turned out rather funny. The fact that the subject was hypnotism really fit with the picture, which was psychedelic in itself; the fact that it was a Hissi being hypnotised, though, fit even more, as I learned only the other day that snakes aren't "hypnotised" by a charmer's song, but by the flute's back-and-forth swinging, which "entrances" them. So, therefore, the hypnotism in this seemed rather believable, I think.
Although primarily comical, this story definitely had a mysterious ending: why had Kellar's friends gotten him a Lenny morphing potion and a pink paintbrush? It felt almost Twilight Zone-ish when I saw Julia pick them up, and it makes me wonder if everything that had happened really happened or not.
As a note, though, be careful to close HTML tags when they're used; I'm not sure if having the end in italics was intentional or not, though I personally didn't see a reason why it should have been.
Sibby and the Beach Cave by myrtale You began this story with dialogue, and although that's a great way to start a piece, the dialogue here felt disembodied with it not being connected to a character for a few lines. I went with it, though, figuring that these two characters would be described in a moment, but then I realised there were three characters, not two, and I was instantly confused. You should watch out for that in the future; as it always is at the beginning of something, the reader is easily confused, so you have to be clear in defining your characters.
That said, I really liked this story. It was, for lack of a more fitting word, cute. The interaction of the characters was nice, and the arrival of the "pirates" was well-placed. The ending seemed a bit of a let-down for all the tension you had built-up, but regardless, it was executed nicely and helped make the story more...once again, for lack of a more fitting word, quaint. The ending, with Cassie telling Sibby she's still the bravest, was really sweet, and it made me think we might see these characters again sometime.
Rupert's First Mission by puffpastry654 That was an amazing story! Once I started reading it, I couldn't look away. It was vividly told, perfectly "shown" to the reader, with a steady pace and characters full of, well, character, and your descriptions were great. From the beginning, I was interested in this mission and what went into being a Mootix soldier, and you definitely delivered that.
The commander's character was simply astounding: he was portrayed very powerfully, and his remorseless throwing of a Mootix out of the blimp was simply horrendous and shocking (but, I must admit, hilarious, too). Rupert's character wasn't very prominent until later on, but then was when it truly mattered, and he was portrayed perfectly. I have to admit, I also like Xavier, "But if you wants to be a Mootix..." The sheer prospect of the comeuppance given causes me to laugh, and with how well you wrote it, I'll be laughing for days. It was great fun reading this, and it was amazingly well-written. Great job!
A Faerie Tale by themagpiesbanter I loved reading this story. I'm not a fan of large paragraphs the size of which you had frequently, and I think some could have been broken up into smaller ones; I noticed a typo or two; I had at first thought that Magpie was not alone for I had perceived the "her" whose hand the lantern was in to be Gilly, not Magpie herself, (which could have been made clearer quite simply, I think); and I would have liked a bit more substance and description of the Lupe's appearance (as I was stuck envisioning a werelupe crossbred with Balthazar but still uncertain if either form fit the figure he was), but, despite all of these petty things, this story was incredibly well-written, many-times more heartwarming than that, and I loved reading it.
The narrative arc of this story was quite powerful, with a perfect blend of showing us Magpie's character but coloring the image with tidbits of telling about her to fill it in more fully. The story that was told, I found was inspiring and sweet; the trials of a Faerie who couldn't fly and a Lupe trapped in the Haunted Woods was filled with suspense and intrigue and much hope and character progression, all of which I love in a story, and all of which you wrote splendidly. The ending was inarguably a wonderful ending, for so many things could have gone wrong (stories such as Little Red Riding Hood and Hansel and Gretel came to mind and filled me with anxious foreboding and unease), though the peaceful and pleasant conclusion flowed smoothly and, to my greatest pleasure, happily along till the very last word. This was an amazing story, and you did an awesome job writing it.
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Post by Deleted on May 8, 2007 14:45:56 GMT -5
Since I have not yet said it, I must give my congratulations to all of the new 'Times authors this week!
Shade, Jockylocky, Myrtale, Puff, Magpie... you are all awesome writers, and I really enjoyed reading your stories. They were well-written and enthralling, and I really look forward to reading more from each of you in the future.
I don't think I've ever seen quite so many new authors in one issue before, but this issue, it was awesome.
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Post by Dan on May 8, 2007 14:46:16 GMT -5
Revenge and Resistance: Part Fiveby dan4884 Boy, I'm glad I'm no longer missing out on this series. It's strange, I'm usually so disinterested in Sloth plots and wars, but I'm hooked. The characters are real, Sloth isn't a goofball, and you write in a way that clearly defines and separates the characters from one another. I don't know about you, but sometimes when I'm writing, I realize that I've written two characters in the exact same style and they're just clones of each other. Things like "the Aisha's ears drooping" to show her obedience and Cylara's little comic relief moment with Gormos really add to the story and create distinct characters. The suspense also wins. I don't know what it wins, but there's just so much suspense after every chapter, and it wins. The only thing I would change is the fragmentation. There are a lot of ***s and it can sometimes be a little choppy. I know it's hard and takes a lot of work, but it might be a good idea to connect parts of the story together through transitional phrases or linking ideas or emotions, something like that. I try not to put more than 4 ***s a chapter, otherwise readers might get lost. =/ However, I'm not lost at all, and judging by your good reviews, I don't think anyone else is. xD The story is still pretty smooth, and I really enjoy it. I'll be reading it next week for sure -- it's awesome! Thanks so much! I appreciate all the reviews this week. ^^
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Post by jockylocky on May 8, 2007 14:57:15 GMT -5
Since I have not yet said it, I must give my congratulations to all of the new 'Times authors this week! Shade, Jockylocky, Myrtale, Puff, Magpie... you are all awesome writers, and I really enjoyed reading your stories. They were well-written and enthralling, and I really look forward to reading more from each of you in the future. I don't think I've ever seen quite so many new authors in one issue before, but this issue, it was awesome. Once again, Thanks a lot For a writer to finally get into the Neopian Times, it feels good to see that someone actually enjoyed my work. This issue was fantastic, so congratulations to all other writers who gotten in this week! Looking forward to friday
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