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Post by Lappi on Nov 29, 2002 19:00:58 GMT -5
Okie, it's actually my first series... but anyhoo, could you guys rate/comment it, please?! I'll post up one chapter/part and tell my what you think... if you guys like it, I'll post another ^-^ Don't copy it!! Prelude Maemi heard the pawkeet chirp outside. They always flew into her home and accompanied her, as they did today. The aisha sighed. She looked out at the pawkeets, trees, and sky. She sighed again. “How little stories there are, these days.” Maemi sighed heavily. “Although how beautiful the sky is, how lovely the air is, the environment is sad.” Maemi picked up her paper from the wooden table. “How little adventures there are. It’s just the King, Queen and their little Princess.” Once again, Maemi sighed and looked out the window. ~ A pawkeet chirped loudly at the window of Princess Keari’s room, as though summoning her. She looked at it, and smiled sweetly. “Oh, how are you today, little pawkeet?” The pawkeet beat its wings. The princess reached her hand (or paw) toward it. The pawkeet flew away before she even reached the edge or the cold stoned wall. A touch offended, Princess Keari stared at the ground. Outside her room, she could hear her father, the King, saying, “Good, Now please check on my daughter, maid.” “Yes, your highness.” There was a soft tap at her door. The princess opened it. The maid kacheek smiled and asked, “Are you alright, Princess?” “Yes, although,” said Princess Keari, looking out her window, “I would like a walk outside.” “Yes ma’am. Safe passage will arrive in fifteen minutes.” replied the maid, shuffling backwards out of the door. Princess Keari sat on her beautiful bed, her chin resting on the palm of her hand. It seemed only seconds before the kacheek maid came back to report safe passage. The princess walked around town for hours. Soon, the air was getting colder. She saw an aisha holding papers under her arm run past her, toward the castle. Near the end of the princess’s walk, she saw a happy family of poogles in rags, hopping around their mother. When she saw them, Princess Keari felt an aching feeling in her heart. They were so happy, yet it clearly showed that they were poor. If they were happy, perhaps they would be even happier being rich, or maybe they would become as gloomy as Princess Keari felt that moment. “They seem so happy,” she said aloud. “If only I lived like everyone else. If only I needn’t walk on this red carpet with everyone looking at me. If only I hadn’t guards surrounding me every minute of my life.” Princess Keari walked back home to her castle. ~
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Post by Lappi on Nov 29, 2002 19:01:13 GMT -5
“What do you mean a spare squire?” questioned the lupe, whom was the lead of all the guards in the castle. “I need someone to aid me in my journey. Please, sir.” pleaded the aisha, Maemi. “Ma’am, I’m afraid we can’t. War is taking place in only a few years, and we need all the squires, pages, and knights we can get.” “Right,” sighed Maemi. “Well, good luck on your battle, sir.” Maemi turned back and started walking. She had tripped on something, but Captain Lupe had already looked away. Something shiny was lying on the ground, and it cut a bit off Maemi’s soft leather shoe. Maemi knew what it was right away. “A sword,” she whispered, extending her arm to pick it up. Before she could, a shoyru, whom was hiding behind a bush beside the sword, stood with the sword and a shield in his arms. “Oh, hello sir. You were very well camouflaged; I couldn’t see you there.” said Maemi, picking herself up. “And I’m sure you heard the conversation the captain and I had. By the way, nice set you have there.” Maemi’s eyes sparkled as she said this. “Thank you, miss. It was given to me by my father, whom died in a battle many years ago. I am no sir, but a mere squire, as you have been hoping to find.” Before Maemi could speak, the shoyru continued, “But I cannot aid you. I have many duties to attend to.” Maemi’s eyes glittered some more, as though saying, “Why were you hiding — skipping duty?” The shoyru blushed slightly and went inside the castle. ~ Princess Keari arrived home quickly, and she packed her belongings as quietly as possible — she couldn’t risk anyone hearing the shuffling and rustling. “I must get out of here,” she told herself. “I must find what happiness is, and I must see the wonders of this world.” The Princess took abandoned routes that neopets no long took and passages long forgotten. On her way out, she met a shoyru. “Oh dear!” yelled the Princess in complete shock. The shoyru bowed as quickly as he could from getting back to his senses. “Oh, unbow, straighten!” cried the Princess, still in shock. “Yes ma’am.” replied the shoyru. “Oh, yes ma’am yourself! You must help me get out of here… shoyru squire.” “May I introduce myself?” asked the shoyru, unsure of his actions. “Yes, please do.” Princess Keari said, calming. “My name is Ryo, which was inherited by my father. My full name is Ryo Phyr Goldmaker — for my family was very rich until the death of both my parents.” “Poor you, Ryo.” said Princess Keari. “But I have not much time to feel sorry for you, well, not now anyway. And as the princess, I order you to not tell a single soul about this event.” “Perhaps I can help?” suggested Ryo. “Will you?” she asked back. The two ran through the passages together, and Ryo assisted the Princess every time she grew tires, tripped, or fell, while she told him about the reason for her runaway. When they arrived outside, nobody had spotted them except an aisha walking by. “Hello, sir. Hello, Princess.” said the aisha, eyes glittering, her mouth a smile. “Would you like the join me in my adventure?” They nodded, too horrified to speak. Once again, Maemi’s eyes seem to say something, “Alright, you don’t tell, I don’t tell.” It looked as though they would be joining her, after all.
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Post by felabba on Dec 1, 2002 9:56:38 GMT -5
Finally around to reading your story! Here are my edits (note - when i put things like commas or full stops in brackets, i generally want you to change whatever punctuation is in that spot to what I've put in the brackets. That which is in bold is suggested word replacements or add ins.):
- try "Despite how beautiful the sky is" - Way too many sighs in that first section. How about instead of "Maemi sighed heavily." put "Maemi mused." And instead of "she sighed again" replace with "she shook her head slightly." This cuts the sighs down to two, which is much better. - Put "she looked at it, and smiled sweetly" back on the same line as "as though summoning her" and "Oh, how are you today..." on a seperate line instead. - Once again, i have a problem with so many "pawkeet's" but the only suggestion i can think of for this one is to replace "The pawkeet flew away" with "The princess reached her hand (or paw) towards it, (note - just write paw here) but the bird flew away". And is it "edge of the cold stoned wall."? (Mental picture of a drugged wall - heh, don't mind me.) - "Good, Now" <-- lower case n, simple edit. - Sentences that are too small can...well, the best description i can come up for it is this: imagine that you're walzing along reading a story and the full stops trip you up. This happens when there are too many short sentences of similiar structure in a row. For example: "There was a soft tap at her door. The princess opened it. The maid kacheek smiled and asked..." Try: "There was a soft tap at her door, and the princess opened it. The maid kacheek smiled and asked..." - "Yes, although(...)" - Same as previous 'tripping' comment, and the only thing i can think of to fix it is: "The princess walked around town for hours, until she began to feel the air was getting colder." and "Then, near the end of the princess's walk..." - "questioned the lupe, whom was the lead..." - "Please, sir(,)" - "It was something shiny that was lying on the ground, and it had cut a bit off of Maemi's soft leather shoe." <-- you don't have to change this, but it didn't quite sound right - so this is a suggestion. - "hiding in a bush beside the sword" - "I couldn't see you there(,)" - "who died in a battle" - 'whom' is probably correct grammar, but it sounds weird.
“But I cannot aid you. I have many duties to attend to.” Maemi’s eyes glittered some more, as though saying, “Why were you hiding — skipping duty?” The shoyru blushed slightly and went inside the castle. No, i don't have an issue with it, i just love this section. So i thought i'd repeat it for the hell of it.
- "The princess took abandoned routes..." this part needs a bit more explanation. Try "While leaving the castle, the princess took abandoned routes..." - "On her way out, she met a shoyru." This is a very simple sentence - too simple. It doesn't sound right. Maybe use: "Yet she still met a shoyru on her way out." - "bowed as quickly as he could after getting back to his senses." - "Poor you, Ryo(,)" - "she grew tired" - "reason she was running way" - "Hello, princess(,)" <-- beginning to see where these commas go? If the speech leads out into a 'said', 'replied' etc, there's a comma. Only if the sentence is very definate is there a full stop. For example: "I'm not going. Ever." She said. Otherwise: "I'm not going," she said. - "Once again, Maemi's eyes seemed to speak(;) "Alright..."
Comments: Con-tin-ue wri-ting this, it is excellent! You have quite a flair for effect, and a good ability to set a mood. I could feel the approaching dusk as the princess completed her walk, and the darkness afterward. And with neat little lines like "It looked as though they would be joining her, after all", the writing is rather catchy. IM me when you post more!!
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Post by Lappi on Dec 1, 2002 10:31:01 GMT -5
Here's my first chapter in Part I...
Part I I Am No Pawkeet
Princess Keari, Ryo, and Maemi spent their first night hiding near a brook. They were at the edge of the forest, and tomorrow, they would be entering it. The forest was dark and deserted; many neopets went through it and never came back — or so the parents joked, but the fact was, they did. The autumn air was cool and damp that night. They could see their breath floating in front of them every time they breathed. The Princess had carried many supplies with her, including blankets, soft pillows, weapons, protections, wood for whittling, and spare clothing. Maemi had brought papers, her own thin blanket, and clothes (although barley) with her. Ryo came unprepared, and he had never owned much anyways. He had brought his sword and shield, but nothing else. Wind blew across them, as Princess Keari cuddled between Ryo and Maemi, whom was writing her first chapter of their adventure so far on paper. Finally, the sky was too dark to see anything through, and Maemi packed up her things and fell asleep almost instantly. Soon, the sun rose again, and the group had to begin their journey. “Hello, little pawkeet,” called Princess Keari, still half asleep, when she heard a bird call. “Pawkeet?” replied the voice. Ryo and Maemi looked up in a tree, where a pterii was standing. He was a green pterii with a black patch over his left eye, and wore a bag over his shoulders. In it, a key stuck out from the opening, and he also wore a pack of arrows on his other shoulder. “I am no pawkeet,” said the pterii, rather too kindly. “I am Merle, the pterii, at your service, kind madam.” “Pterii? Merle? So I see,” replied the Princess, feeling awake again. “Nice to meet you, Merle. We do not require any service, I do not think, right now. I am Princess — I mean, Keari.” “Princess I mean Keari?” repeated Merle. “An awkward name, if I saw so myself.” Princess Keari giggled joyfully. She gave a cheery smile to the pterii. Oh, silly, my name is Keari.” “She’s the Princess in our home town,” added Ryo. “But she wanted to leave her home to discover what there is in this world, and know what true happiness is.” Merle swooped down to the ground. His eyebrows raised as he said, “Why, true happiness is seeing you, Princess.” Princess Keari giggled again. Maemi stood, jotting down more of the story and when the Princess stopped giggling, she said, “Well, we would need more company, especially later on in our adventure.” “Oh! Another young lady! I didn’t notice you, I am sorry. You were so silent — I am Merle the pterii. A pleasure to finally meet an aisha.” said Merle with a bow. Maemi’s eyes glittered as she smiled. She didn’t say anything though, but her eyes did. They seemed to say, “A pleasure to meet you too,” and other happy things. Ryo puffed in some air and blinked. He breathed out quietly, and that was when Merle finally turned to him. “I am sorry, sir. I didn’t mean to upset you so, if I had. Please introduce yourself — I am Merle the pterii. Pleasure,” Ryo did a self cheer. He liked introducing himself; it was always fun for him. “I am Ryo Phyr Goldmaker, the squire. I know how to use the sword, shield and bow, and as you can see I have a sword and shield, but do not own a bow. This particular set was used by my father, whom was also named Ryo.” “Ah, do not fret!” cried Merle, reaching into his bag. “I have a crossbow, bows and plenty of arrows to spare! Also, I know how to make arrows, although they do not work as good.” “Really?” replied Ryo, continuing their conversation. “What do —” began Ryo. Princess Keari cleared her voice, interrupting the conversation. “I do believe,” she said. “That we should be moving on, don’t you think, Maemi? Ryo? Merle? The sun is setting as we speak!” Maemi nodded, still writing on her papers. She was writing a “brief” description of everyone, but hardly included any information about herself. Ryo, too, nodded, and told everyone they should hunt for food on the way around the forest.
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Post by felabba on Dec 2, 2002 3:06:38 GMT -5
Alright! Here we go!
- "They were at the edge of the forest, and tomorrow(no comma here) they would be entering it." - "Or so the parent joked(.) But the fact was, they did." In place of "I did" it also might be better to have "they never appeared again." 'They did' is rather confusing. - "They could see their breath floating in front of them every time they breathed." <-- having just used 'they' to refer to people who bever came out of the forest, it sounds as though you are still talking about those people. Replace with "The triad/trio could see their breath floating in front of them every time they breathed." I like this phrase, by the way. - "(although barely)" Perhaps "(although they weren't much)" would be better anyway? - Ryo came unprepared, but he had never owned much anyways. - "who was writing her first chapter of..." I still have a thing with those "whom"s. They just don't sound right. - "the sky was too dark to see anything through" - pterii = pteri. simple mistake. And i think neopet names should be in capitals: eg Pteri. Not completely sure about that though - I think it's better in smaller case. - I know the princess has a slightly different way of speaking, but all the same "We do not require any service, I do not think, right now." should become "I do not think we require any service right now." - Forgot the " in "Oh, silly, my name is Kaeri."
Personal note: Everybody likes Merle! Why does everybody like Merle? He must be quite a charmer.
- "finally meet an aisha(,)" - "She didn't say anything though, but her eyes did." - "Pleasure(.)" - "Ryo did a self cheer" - I know what you mean, but "Ryo did (or gave) an inward cheer" could be a bit better. - Hard to explain this, but you really should get rid of "continuing their conversation." It sounds wrong, and you say "interrupting the conversation" in the same sentence so it's a little repetitive. "Really?" replied Ryo. "What do -" he began, before Kaeri cleared her voice, interupting the conversation. Then put "I do believe..." on the next line. - on their way around the forest? Are they supposed to be entering it? "and tomorrow, they would be entering it." Something to consider.
Well, I'm about finished. Post the next part soonish, I'm eager to fins out what happens to our heroes!
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Post by Lappi on Dec 2, 2002 18:07:07 GMT -5
A Spyder
Hours passed, and the sky darkened greatly. They traveled, but stopped often to get a short rest, drink water, or to tell them their plans. They hardly talked on their journey, because they didn’t want to waste their breath, but in fact, they could hardly even see each other with the sun setting and the dark trees covering the sky above them. When night arrived, they found a small cave in which they could spend the night. Ryo went out to search for wood for a fire, and Maemi went out a short distance to find food and explore the area around them. Merle stayed to protect the Princess, and the kyrii waited patiently until they were all inside the cave. “I’m surprised that nobody got lost out there! Can you believe how dark it is?” exclaimed the Princess, as Ryo made a fire, and Maemi wrote more on her story. “Yes, Princess, it is very dark compared to any city, even to neopets who live in smoggy homes. But this is perfect for anybody who can stand it, like the brave squire.” Ryo blushed slightly and said, “Well, I would classify myself a fighter, archer and ranger.” “Ah, yes, classification. Fighter, yes I would approve. All knights and almost-knights are fighters, and archers are quite common, but a ranger… are you intact with nature?” Maemi looked up from her sheets and waved her arms, but they did not notice for they sat in front of her, facing the entrance. “Quite,” answered Ryo. “What would you classify yourself as?” “Me, sir? An archer, yes, and perhaps a ranger. But I truly am a rogue — like my father, although not as ruthless and careless.” “A rogue?” Princess Keari almost yelled. “A rogue? A thief? How could you, you scumbag pterii!!!” Before Merle could explain himself, she continued, “Who did you steal from, the rich? The poor? All the same, rogues are not appreciated in our group!” Merle laughed. “My dear Princess!” He took out a beautiful necklace from his bag. It had a silver chain and had lovely jewels. There were four on the chain, and the rest of the pearl-like jewels hung down from them. After the row of four, there was another row, and another, and following that, there was the prettiest gem even the Princess had ever seen — it was a magenta colour, the Princess’s favourite. “I picked this one for you,” he said, handing the Princess the necklace. Princess Keari was speechless. It was the most beautiful thing she’d every seen, and she reached out her hand and almost touched it, but her senses came back to her. “It’s lovely…” she began, her hands shaking. “But I can’t accept it. You must have stolen that.” “Stolen it?” questioned Merle, acting puzzled. He laughed again. “Dear Princess, do not be so prejudice! Let me explain. I do not steal often — I only have the skills and steal when I absolutely have to, and even then I may not. My father was a ruthless rogue, like you thought I was. But I was careful not to follow him. This necklace was made by my mother. She used to make jewelry and many ointments and decorations.” “Oh, I’m so sorry, Merle! Please pardon my bad judgment. On with the subject. You said used to — does that mean, she… she died?” “Yes, I’m afraid so, Princess.” replied Merle. Princess Keari’s face saddened. Maemi jotted more down on her papers, piling more and more beside her.
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Post by Lappi on Dec 2, 2002 18:07:28 GMT -5
“But wouldn’t this be a memorable item of your mother?” she asked. “Don’t kid me, Princess! She had made much more than this necklace! She was a professional, after all. And she was quite famous. I have plenty of her makings right here in my bag.” Maemi began writing crazily, until Ryo called for someone to help him cook. Maemi knew how to very well, for she had lived alone. Merle mostly ate things uncooked (because he mostly ate plants and did not live in the city), and the Princess only knew a bit for she lived in a castle, where so many things were done for her. The sky and their surroundings grew darker after supper, if that was even possible. Princess Keari began unpacking the blankets and pillows, when they heard a rustling noise nearby. “What was that?” Maemi said, the first one to hear it. After that, there was silence, except for more rustling. The wind made a different sound, and that is how they knew it was not the air. Creatures lived in the forest, although all of them were nocturnal creatures, and hardly any of the harmless, kind creatures lived in this area. There was more rustling, and this time it was just outside their cave. Ryo stood in a perfect guard position, as Princess Keari stammered, “It’s… it’s… It’s a…” Merle drew out his dagger, as soon as the Princess cried, “A SPYDER!” which roared and echoed through the cave, and made the objects outside knew that they could hear them. Following the rustling was spitting noises, which made them more and more tense. Maemi continued writing, although she heard the noises she seemed to ignore them. Ryo stood at his stance, and did not move except when breathing. Merle stood in front of the Princess. His dagger ready to strike at any moment. Suddenly, a large black spyder popped from outside the cave and jumped toward them. Ryo was already ready, and attacked it the second it came in. Maemi, Merle, and the Princess were all impressed by his skill. Merle watched carefully as Ryo attacked the spyder. He jumped on top of him and held his shiny sword in front of him, although did not use it. The sword was safely in front of him, protecting the squire from every attack the spyder made. The spyder hissed and hissed, and it wasn’t talking to them, or trying to spit acid onto them. Soon, they found out what it was doing for three more spyders came marching inside, surrounding the exit to the cave.
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Post by felabba on Dec 4, 2002 2:27:50 GMT -5
Sorry I didn't get to this before, I've been very busy recently. But here I am now. You know the drill.
- "or to tell them their plans." No idea who they're telling. Perhaps: "or to discuss their plans." You also may have meant "or to tell Merle their plans" in which case it should be "or to tell Merle the rest of their plans." - "because they didn't want to waste their breath" Few two many they's around here, it gets confusing. Try "not wanting to waste their breath," instead. - Yep, I still have an issue with too many theys. Replace "in which to spend the night." - Princess Kaeri is a kyrii? This wasn't mentioned before. All the others have their species made quite clear, but not Kaeri. A mention in the Prelude such as "A pawkeet chirped loudly at the window of Princess Keari’s room, as though summoning her. The kyrii looked at it, and smiled sweetly." - "were all inside the cave again." - I thought it was Ryo talking here for a moment, so try this: "Yes, Princess," smiled Merle. "It is very dark compared to any city..." - "are you intact with nature?" Heheh ho, haha...Oh, sorry. Little word error there. "in tune" would be the best word I can think of to replace "intact." I don't think much of "in tune" myself, but i can't think of anything else. - "It had a silver chain and had lovely jewels" - "the pearl-like gems" - just for variation. - "before her senses came back to her." - "do not be so prejudiced!" - Again, I know what you meant here, but i had to read the line twice to understand it: "I only have the skills, but I only steal when I absolutely have to..." - Being really picky here, but 'I was' then 'I was' soon after bothers me. Try: "My father was a ruthless rogue, much like what you accused me of being." - Sorry, but "On with the subject." sounds out of place. I think you should get rid of it. - “Yes, I’m afraid so, Princess(,)” replied Merle.
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Post by felabba on Dec 4, 2002 2:28:25 GMT -5
Well, my post was too long, so here I'm breaking it up into two. This is the editing for the second post of "A spyder." One edit post per story post.
- “Don’t (kid doesn't fit the context, maybe "humour"?) me, Princess! She had made much more than this necklace!" - Transfering into what Maemi is doing from the conversation between Merle and Kaeri is a little rough here. You could use: "Meanwhile, Maemi had begun writing crazily, until Ryo called for someone to help him cook, which ended the conversation between Merle and the Princess." <-- I think you need to refer to that again here, that's why I added it in. - Used mostly before in the sentence, so instead: "(because he usually ate plants and did not live in the city)" - "only knew a bit(,) for she lived in a castle (no comma here) where so many things were done for her." - Put "Princess Keari began unpacking the blankets and pillows, when they heard a rustling noise nearby." up on the same line as the previous sentence. I know you want to introduce it as a new event, but it sounds wrong with the gap. - This sentence contradicts itself. "After that, there was silence, except for more rustling." Perhaps: "Except for the rustling, everything was silent."? Oh, wait, the next line contradicts this. Erm...maybe: "Then the wind picked up, making a different sound altogether, and they knew it was not the air." - "Creatures lived in the forest, but hardly any of the harmless, kind creatures were in this area." - the nocturnal part I couldn't understand, you'd have to explain to me what you mean if you want to keep it in. - "Merle drew out his dagger, just as the Princess cried, “A SPYDER!” which roared and echoed through the cave, and made the objects outside knew that they could hear them." <-- this last bit, I'd suggest: "and left no doubt that the creature outside could hear them." But I'm not sure if that's what you meant. You could mean "and left no doubt that anything outside could hear them." - "Maemi continued writing (-) even though she heard the noises(,) she seemed to ignore them." - "Ryo kept his stance, and did not move except in breathing." - "Merle stood in front of the Princess(,) his dagger ready to strike at any moment." <-- I think you meant to write this but accidently put a full stop. - Used attacked previously. Replace with: "Merle watched carefully as Ryo fought/battled the spyder." - "He jumped on top of it and held his shiny sword in front of him (it sounds like he's holding the sword in front of the spider here), although did not use it." Perhaps "He jumped on top of it, but did not use his shiny sword to fight/battle (whichever one you don't use in the sentence before) it. Instead, the sword was safely in front of him..." - "The spyder hissed and hissed, but it wasn’t talking to them..." - "Soon, they found out what it was doing(,) for three more..."
Finished! Well, you certainly have looked over it a bit more before sending it in. I only had a few punctuation edits. Coming along nicely too. They needed a dangerous situation. So, post the next part as soon as you can!
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Post by Lappi on Dec 7, 2002 8:51:33 GMT -5
This chapter is rather awkward. But I hope you like it -- it shows relationships Smooched Maemi jotted some more things on her papers, then she put them down and picked herself up. Merle shifted slightly, and Princess Keari was more frightened than before. She fell to the ground, lying on her knees. Ryo had no choice but to harm the spyder beneath him, so that they could take out the others without interference. They could not underestimate these creatures, for they were more foul than any one would imagine. Ryo paralyzed the spyder that lay beneath him, and pranced upon another one. One of the spyders crept near Merle, which he sliced with his dagger. Princess Keari had ducked her head when it approached, and Merle had chopped off one of its legs. The unoccupied spyder began spinning a strong web, and it shot in all different directions, clearly trying to trap them. Maemi stuffed her work into a bag to keep them safe and walked over to the spyders. Ryo kicked the spyder he had attacked, and whacked it with his shield. Princess Keari curled some more, screaming in terror. Merle knocked out the spyder, which was staring at its lost leg, but was happy at the fact that they were being trapped. Ryo looked at the spyder spinning the web, and put his shield in front of him. He ran toward it, bashing the shield against it. “Who sent you?” threatened Ryo. “Why are you here?” The spyder grinned, determined not to tell. But it sputtered, “I shall not tell. You filthy creatures will find out soon.” Suddenly, the web glowed green, and the ground and rocks touching it crumble into dust, and pain was felt around it. The spyder grinned some more. Ryo was distracted by the glowing, noises, the sticky webs, and confusion, while the spyder jumped and bit him with his long, poisonous fangs. Princess Keari shrieked, terrified. Merle chopped as many webs around them as possible. Maemi walked, unsure of where to go — back to the end of the cave where it was safe, in which she could write about the demise of her fellow comrades, or show them her real power and fight the spyder.
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Post by Lappi on Dec 7, 2002 8:52:03 GMT -5
When Maemi neared them, Merle straightened his wing in front of Maemi, not letting her pass. Ryo was hurt, and he was holding his head in pain and agony. But he dared not cry or yell, for he was almost a knight, a “man”, and men did not cry. Maemi ignored the wing and continued walking. It wasn’t until Merle spoke that she got angry. “Don’t, my dear lady. It is not safe for a young girl to be battling with spyders.” At that moment, Maemi slapped his wing away and continued walking. The spyder was now in front of her, and it noticed her arrive. “Ah,” it hissed, tormenting the aisha. “A young girl would like to challenge a powerful spyder such as I? Do not kid me, child!” Maemi ignored it too, and knelt down to Ryo. She touched his face, and could feel his agony as a tear ran down her cheek. The spyder laughed. “You can’t heal him. And don’t feel so sorry for him because, lady or not, you’re going to die!” The spyder spat the biggest amount of spit anybody had ever seen; it was as big as an entire body itself! It was disgustingly green and hissed as annoyingly and as loud as the spyder did, but it did not harm the aisha. Instead, it bounced off an invisible barrier and hit back at the spyder, right on his head. Maemi placed her hand on the shoyru and sighed. What should she do next? It would take much effort to heal him, but she took a deep breath. Princess Keari looked up, feeling better now that the spyder and most of the web had disappeared. She gasped at the scene in front of her, giggling slightly. Merle made a face, disgusted at the sight, relieved at the defeat of the spyder, confused and surprised about how the barrier had suddenly appeared. Surely, he would have noticed it was Maemi’s doing, wouldn’t he? Wrong, he didn’t. He didn’t believe that young girls could fight giant spyders. Maemi had kissed Ryo on his lips! No wonder Merle was disgusted, and the Princess was giggling. It was a romantic scene (eew) for a moment, then Maemi collapsed to the ground. “Maemi!” cried Princess Keari, worried about her friend. “Oh no! What happened? Did the poison from Ryo go into Maemi? And what in the world did she do that for?” “I’m not sure, for all of your questions,” replied Merle, dumbfounded. After a while, Ryo awoken. He, too, was very surprised and confused about his surroundings. “What happened?” he asked awkwardly. “She smooched lips and you healed,” babbled the Princess. “Another words, we’re kind of confused to. Maemi’s got some super powers though, because she made an invisible barrier and knocked out the giant spyder all by herself. And she smooched you!” “She what?” questioned Ryo. There was silence in the air for a while, then the most surprising thing happened. The spyder was still alive. He jumped on top of Maemi, whom was helpless and defenseless. “Maemi!” Princess Keari cried again, with the same expression as when she had collapsed. Merle took out his bow and released it. It missed the spyder, who was scampering on top of Maemi. Ryo took his sword and swung it in front of him, but the spyder easily dodged it because Ryo was still weak from the poison. The spyder grinned again, but he wouldn’t be long if he knew what was going to happen to him next. Merle continued shooting his arrows, but every single one of them missed. He shot them quickly, and aimed carefully, but the spyder still had enough energy to dodge them. The pteri was running out of arrows, and if he dared to take any from his pack, his friends may have been injured while he was taking them out. Then Merle shot the rest of his arrows so fast it seemed as though they all shot at the same time, and threw his dagger. The arrows zoomed pass the spyder, but the dagger hit.
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Post by felabba on Dec 10, 2002 10:06:33 GMT -5
OK - I'm trying something new and copying and pasting this. But i will put edits in bold and comments in brackets brackets so you know where they are. So read it ignoring what's in brackets to see how i reckon it should sound.
Smooched Maemi jotted some more things on her papers, then she put them down and picked herself up. Merle shifted slightly, and Princess Keari was more frightened than before. She fell to the ground, lying on her knees. Ryo had no choice but to harm the spyder beneath him, so that they could take out the others without interference. They could not underestimate these creatures, for they were more foul than any one would imagine. Ryo paralyzed the spyder that lay beneath him, (You can revise this sentence instead of cutting this - but you've already used "beneath him" to describe the spider's position) and pounced (pranced...hehehe, er, sorry) upon another one. One of the spyders crept near Merle, but he sliced it with his dagger. (Otherwise it sounds as though the spyder sliced Merle.) Princess Keari had ducked her head when it approached, and Merle had chopped off one of its legs. The last, (i just think it needs something here so people know it's another, different spyder) unoccupied spyder began spinning a strong web, and it shot in all different directions, clearly trying to trap them. Maemi stuffed her work into a bag to keep it safe and walked over to the spyders. Ryo kicked the spyder he had attacked, and whacked it with his shield. Princess Keari curled up some more, screaming in terror. The other sypder, which was staring at its lost leg, was knocked out by Merle - but up to that point it had been happy at the fact that the friends were being trapped. (This becomes very much a rythym of Maemi did this, Ryo did that, Kaeri did this, Merle did that. This is hard to avoid in active scenes. My suggestion here is to reorder the last sentence so it doesn't begin with "Merle". You can try doing this yourself if you'd like - my sentence is more 'my style' than yours.) Ryo looked at the spyder spinning the web, and put his shield in front of him. He ran toward it, using the shield to push it up against the wall. (I think this is what you meant.) “Who sent you?” threatened Ryo. “Why are you here?” The spyder grinned, determined not to tell. But it sputtered, “I shall not tell. You filthy creatures will find out soon.” Suddenly, the web glowed green, and the ground and rocks touching it crumbled into dust, and pain was felt around it. (Wha? Please look this sentence over, i don't understand it. Perhaps "inflicting pain on those around it?") The spyder grinned some more. Ryo was distracted by the glowing, the noises, the sticky webs, and the confusion, while the spyder jumped and bit him with his long, poisonous fangs. Princess Keari shrieked, terrified. Merle chopped as many webs around them as possible. Maemi walked, unsure of where to go — back to the end of the cave where it was safe, in which she could write about the demise of her fellow comrades, or show them her real power and fight the spyder.
(Personal note: Why would she want to write about the demise of her comrades?? There's something seriously wrong with this girl. (said in a joking fashion - darn writing can't communicate that, can it?))
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Post by felabba on Dec 10, 2002 10:09:02 GMT -5
When Maemi neared them, Merle straightened his wing in front of Maemi, not letting her pass. Ryo was hurt, and he was holding his head in pain and agony. (Pain and agony: an overused line. You use agony a bit later, so save it for there.) But he dared not cry or yell, for he was almost a knight - a “man” - and men did not cry. Maemi ignored the wing and continued walking. It wasn’t until Merle spoke that she got angry. “Don’t, my dear lady. It is not safe for a young girl to be battling with spyders.” At that moment, Maemi slapped his wing away and continued walking. The spyder was now in front of her, and it noticed her arrive. “Ah,” it hissed, tormenting the aisha. “A young girl would like to challenge a powerful spyder such as I? Do not kid me, child!” Maemi ignored it too, and knelt down to Ryo. She touched his face, and could feel his agony as a tear ran down her cheek. The spyder laughed. “You can’t heal him. And don’t feel so sorry for him because, lady or not, you’re going to die!” The spyder spat the biggest amount of spit anybody had ever seen; it was as big as an entire body itself! It was disgustingly green and hissed as annoyingly and as loud as the spyder did, but it did not harm the aisha. Instead, it bounced off an invisible barrier and hit back at the spyder. right on his head. (This line just bother me, but you can keep it if you like.) Maemi placed her hand on the shoyru and sighed. What should she do next? It would take much effort to heal him, but she took a deep breath. Princess Keari looked up, feeling better now that the spyder and most of the web had disappeared. She gasped at the scene in front of her, giggling slightly. Merle made a face, disgusted at the sight, relieved at the defeat of the spyder, and/but confused and surprised about how the barrier had suddenly appeared. Surely, he would have noticed if it was Maemi’s doing, wouldn’t he? Wrong. He didn’t. He couldn’t believe that young girls could fight giant spyders. Maemi had kissed Ryo on his lips! No wonder Merle was disgusted, and the Princess was giggling. It was a romantic scene (eew) for a moment, then Maemi collapsed to the ground. (lol, is eew gonna be in there?) “Maemi!” cried Princess Keari, worried about her friend. “Oh no! What happened? Did the poison from Ryo go into Maemi? And what in the world did she do that for?” “I’m not sure, for all of your questions,” replied Merle, dumbfounded. After a while, Ryo awoke. He, too, was very surprised and confused (overstating it a little) about his surroundings. “What happened?” he asked awkwardly. “She smooched lips and you healed,” babbled the Princess. (…give me a minute…oh, gotta stop laughing…oh dear…) “In other words, we’re kind of confused too. Maemi’s got some super powers though, because she made an invisible barrier and knocked out the giant spyder all by herself. And she smooched you!” (She’s a princess, and she says smooched? This is just too funny…)
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Post by felabba on Dec 10, 2002 10:10:38 GMT -5
“She what?” questioned Ryo. There was silence in the air for a while, then the most surprising thing happened. The spyder, which was still alive He jumped on top of Maemi, who was totally/completely/something along this line helpless. and defenseless. (Again, helpless and defenseless overstates.) “Maemi!” Princess Keari cried again, with the same expression as when she had collapsed. Merle took out his bow and released it. It missed the spyder, who was scampering out of the way. (Already used “on top on Maemi”. On top of Maemi…all covered in cheese… I lost my poor venom…when somebody kissed me… Off subject a little – very weird mood I’m in today.) Ryo took his sword and swung it in front of him, but the spyder easily dodged it because Ryo was still weak from the poison. The spyder grinned again, but he wouldn’t be grinning for long if he knew what was going to happen to him next. Merle continued shooting his arrows, but every single one of them missed. He shot them quickly, and aimed carefully, but the spyder still had enough energy to dodge them. The pteri was running out of arrows, and if he dared to take any from his pack, his friends may have been injured while he was taking them out. Then Merle shot the rest of his arrows so fast it seemed as though they all shot at the same time, and threw his dagger. The arrows zoomed pass the spyder, but the dagger hit. (Ooh, dramatic ending! I like this line.)
(Ahem, sorry about all the laughing back there. Whenever things get vaguely-but-not-quite-mushy I just go off into peels of laughter. And I do not mean mushy as in badly written, but I usually call anything romantic ‘mushy’. I‘m still a tichy bit immature, so there we go.) This reminds me a lot of my earlier writing. A lot. But hopefully you won’t turn out to be a pessimistic old fuddy duddy like me. ^^ With age the creativity dimishes – just as you get better at putting it all down too. Er, I’m babbling, aren’t I? Anyway, my point is that I really like your style. Keep it up! (Sorry about so many posts - and they're all on the same page...must be a certain number of posts per page without consideration to size.)
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Post by Lappi on Dec 11, 2002 17:13:38 GMT -5
Lol, eh heh heh... well, anyways ^^, I still have to edit it, but I'll post my next chapter. And yes, "(ew)" is staying in there. I just put the chapter there because I wanted to finally mention, and for the first time, Maemi's powers. It also shows the relationships ( ) of some of the characters. I hope I posted the whole chapter... but oh well, I'll check later... so here it is... A Lair in the Woods The sky lightened slightly, but it was still dark. The spyder lay on its back, legs curled. Princess Keari was terrified, but tried her best to stay calm. Ryo was recovering, while Maemi lay in front of him, unconscious. Merle was cleaning his dagger and comforting the Princess. After a few hours of silence, they grew tired and hungry. Suddenly, Maemi awoken. “Maemi!” they all exclaimed. “Are you alright?” asked the Princess, her happiness growing. “Are you hungry, my dear lady?” said Merle, putting down his dagger. “What happened? Are you okay?” questioned Ryo. “I all right,” began Maemi, quite glad of the attention. “And I am not hungry, although I am sure you must be. I’m not sure what happened, but I can see that you’ve got rid of the spyder. Him awakening must have been a fright to you!” Her eyes sparkled and glittered, a touch of worry in her eyes. “Shall we eat then?” said the Princess, packing her belongings but taking out the food. “We really mustn’t stay here; it’s very dangerous, isn’t it?” “It is, dear Princess, and we must stay clear of the evil beings in this forest. There are plenty here, so we must be very careful. Any false move and we will be in peril,” replied Merle, slipping his dagger into a mini sheath. After they ate, Merle suggested that they had better move quickly. They traveled as fast as they could, stopping once and a while to catch their breath or eat. Tiny red eyes seemed to glare at them threw thick bushes in the darkness, frightening Princess Keari. She tagged along in the center so that she would be the least likely to be harmed. Maemi followed behind her, using her great hearing abilities to sense danger. Ryo trudged in line with Merle and shot his head from side to side in alert. Merle had his dagger and bow ready whenever a creature would strike. After a few hours, they met a clearing. It was not sunny or had lush green grass, but instead it was darker then the forest at night. The ground below them was of mud and shreds of grass, all as dark as the sky. As they walked through the clearing, a rustling noise came from behind. Like before, spyders appeared and attacked without warning. The Princess screamed in surprise, as Merle sliced them easily with his dagger and shot them with his bow. Ryo charged at them, but as the two attacked, more and more stormed around them. Maemi knew she should be part of this battle. She closed her eyes tight and used her ears to sense the spyders. One was moving from behind Ryo, and she immediately opened her eyes and threw mud into its eyes, making it unable to see and giving up. She squinted her eyes again and concentrated some more. The team worked together nicely, because in no later than minutes, all the giant spyders were gone; all except one. It was the Spider Grundo.
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