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Post by Lappi on Dec 11, 2002 17:14:05 GMT -5
“Ah, I’ve been expecting you…” he began slowly. “I see you have ventured into my web, my trap.” Merle gritted his teeth and stared at him. Then he noticed all the webs spun around the area. “I also see you have the urge to battle me…” the Spider Grundo said with an evil grin. “Well, your wish will come true. I would be glad to battle you.” Before any of them could speak, the Spider Grundo skittered on his webs and shot some at Merle. Merle dodged it and took Princess Keari’s hand. “Run for cover,” instructed Merle. “Hurry!” Princess Keari ran, trying desperately not to trip. Maemi followed behind her, making sure she was protected until she reached a safe area. Ryo drew his sword, and the Spider Grundo attacked him. Ryo dodged all of his bites and webs, and the Spider Grundo dodged all of his strikes. Merle sneaked up behind the Spider Grundo and slashed him with his sword. Before he could, the Spider Grundo walked up his web. Merle’s dagger hit something, and it fell to the ground. Then he looked up at the Spider Grundo. It was his strong invisible web, and Merle had hit, causing the dagger to fall. Merle picked it up, slipped it in his sheath and took out his bow. He aimed and fired, but missed. Meanwhile, Ryo wanted to climb the web, but when his skin touched it, it had a large red mark on it, clearly showing that the web could cut through him. Clutching his sword, the cut the webs with all his might. Maemi was on the other side of the battlefield. She was feeling guilty, but she knew she had to protect the princess. Maemi picked up some dirt and threw it in the air. “What are you doing that for?” asked the Princess; although she had a clue that Maemi didn’t just throw mud for fun. “The Spider Grundo’s webs are really strong and they can harm you if you’re not careful. The mud is dark enough to reveal where the webs are, even though it’s dark enough here already.” replied Maemi, throwing more and more mud in the air. Merle saw the mud and dirt flying from the Princess’ and Maemi’s direction, and he was thankful. He could see the webs clearly now, and he also knew where the Spider Grundo was going to land next. Maemi threw mud near the Spider Grundo, causing him to almost fall from his large web. Then he was shot by Merle’s arrows and attacked by Ryo’s sword. Soon the fight was won, and they all gathered around the Spider Grundo. “This is not the end… I will return…” They found a lair very near the clearing, and they walked into it. Soon the lair led into another clearing, but this one was bright and sunny. They had finally found the exit to the woods.
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Post by felabba on Dec 18, 2002 2:10:18 GMT -5
A Lair in the Woods
The sky lightened slightly, but it was still dark. The spyder lay on its back, legs curled. Princess Keari was terrified, but tried her best to stay calm. Ryo was recovering, while Maemi lay in front of him, unconscious. Merle was cleaning his dagger and comforting the Princess. After a few hours of silence, they grew tired and hungry. Suddenly, (this doesn't sound right. How about, Then, with a sudden start,) Maemi awoke. “Maemi!” they all exclaimed. “Are you alright?” asked the Princess, her happiness growing. “Are you hungry, my dear lady?” said Merle, putting down his dagger. “What happened? Are you okay?” questioned Ryo. “I am (or I'm) all right,” began Maemi, quite glad of the attention. “And I am not hungry, although I am sure you must be. I’m not sure what happened, but I can see that you’ve got rid of the spyder. Him awakening must have been a fright to you!” Her eyes sparkled and glittered, a touch of worry in her eyes. “Shall we eat then?” said the Princess, packing her belongings but taking out the food. “We really mustn’t stay here; it’s very dangerous, isn’t it?” “It is, dear Princess, and we must stay clear of the evil beings in this forest. There are plenty here, so we must be very careful. Any false move and we will be in peril,” replied Merle, slipping his dagger into a mini sheath. After they ate, Merle suggested that they had better move quickly. They traveled as fast as they could, stopping once and a while to catch their breath or eat. Tiny red eyes seemed to glare at them through thick bushes in the darkness, frightening Princess Keari. She stayed in the center so that she would be the least likely to be harmed. Maemi followed behind her, using her great hearing abilities to sense danger. Ryo trudged in line with Merle and moved his head from side to side in alert. Merle had his dagger and bow ready for whenever a creature would strike. After a few hours, they met a clearing. (And it was walking along happily, minding its own business...maybe 'came into' would be better than 'met.' ^.^) It was not sunny or with lush green grass, but instead it was darker then the forest at night. The ground below them was of mud and shreds of grass, all as dark as the sky. As they walked through the clearing, a rustling noise came from behind. Without warning, just like before, spiders appeared and attacked. (The action seems more immediate if the event is mentioned last here - it's hard to explain and would take a bit of room. Ask me if you so wish.) The Princess screamed in surprise, as Merle sliced them easily with his dagger and shot them with his bow. Ryo charged at them, but as the two attacked, more and more stormed around them. Maemi knew she should be part of this battle. She closed her eyes tight and used her ears to sense the spyders. One was moving from behind Ryo, and she immediately opened her eyes and threw mud into its eyes, making it unable to see, and it gave up. She squinted her eyes again and concentrated some more. The team worked together nicely, because in no later than minutes, all the giant spyders were gone; all except one. It was the Spider Grundo. (there's a spider grundo? aah!)
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Post by felabba on Dec 18, 2002 2:18:24 GMT -5
“Ah, I’ve been expecting you…” he began slowly. “I see you have ventured into my web, my trap.” Merle gritted his teeth and stared at him. Then he noticed all the webs spun around the area. “I also see you have the urge to battle me…” the Spider Grundo said with an evil grin. “Well, your wish will come true. I would be glad to battle you.” Before any of them could speak, the Spider Grundo skittered on his webs and shot some of the webbing at Merle. Merle dodged it and took Princess Keari’s hand. “Run for cover,” instructed Merle. “Hurry!” Princess Keari ran, trying desperately not to trip. Maemi followed behind her, making sure she was protected until she reached a safe area. Ryo drew his sword, and the Spider Grundo attacked him. Ryo dodged all of his bites and webs, and the Spider Grundo dodged all of his strikes. As Ryo fought, Merle sneaked up behind the Spider Grundo and prepared to slash him with his sword. Before he could, the Spider Grundo walked up his web. Merle’s dagger hit something, and it fell to the ground. Then he looked up at the Spider Grundo. It was his strong invisible web, and Merle had hit it, causing the dagger to fall. Merle picked it up, slipped it in his sheath and took out his bow. He aimed and fired, but missed. Meanwhile, Ryo wanted to climb the web, but when his skin touched it, it had a large red mark on it, clearly showing that the web could cut through him. Clutching his sword, he cut the webs with all his might. Maemi was on the other side of the battlefield. She was feeling guilty, but she knew she had to protect the princess. Maemi picked up some dirt and threw it in the air. “What are you doing that for?” asked the Princess; although she had a clue that Maemi didn’t just throw mud for fun. “The Spider Grundo’s webs are really strong and they can harm you if you’re not careful. The mud is dark enough to reveal where the webs are, even though it’s dark enough here already.” replied Maemi, throwing more and more mud in the air. Merle saw the mud and dirt flying from the Princess’ and Maemi’s direction, and he was thankful. He could see the webs clearly now, and he also knew where the Spider Grundo was going to land next. Maemi threw mud near the Spider Grundo, causing him to almost fall from his large web. Then he was shot by Merle’s arrows and attacked by Ryo’s sword. Soon the fight was won, and they all gathered around the Spider Grundo. “This is not the end… I will return…” (A defeat line!! Yay! Didja read my article on this?) They found a lair very near the clearing, and they walked into it. Soon the lair led into another clearing, but this one was bright and sunny. They had finally found the exit to the woods.
(They're out of the woods! Post more soon. Not many edits this time. Either i'm getting slack or you're getting better, and I think it's the latter.)
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Post by Lappi on Dec 18, 2002 17:14:43 GMT -5
Err... I suppose I may have gotten better... but I wrote this a while ago, so Anyways, here's the second PART! Part II Ghost with the Jewel “Oh, thank you again for this beautiful necklace, Merle.” said the Princess, clutching the jewels on the chain. “It’s the most beautiful thing in the world. I only wish I could thank your mother, too.” “That’s alright, my dear Princess. You’ve thanked me enough already! Now let’s all have a jolly meal to eat. Many of us are hungry from the earlier battle.” replied Merle, patting his stomach. “Yes, yes we certainly are. It is so hard to adjust to the light, isn’t it?” the Princess trailed off. “But we’re still in a forest, although different. Merry creatures live here, along with evil ones.” Merle explained, waiting for his food. Maemi gathered the food, which she collected earlier, and Ryo made a fire. They sat and looked at the stars above them, glittering and sparkling. A lupe howled in the background, but they knew it wouldn’t attack them without warning, like the spyders and the Spider Grundo did. As they ate, Princess Keari stated, “Well, even though I haven’t seen enough of the world yet, I do feel homesick. That forest must have been truly a bad place in Neopia, wouldn’t it?” “Yes, it is. It’s one of the worst placed you’ll ever go, and many placed are much more beautiful than even in this place.” smiled Maemi. Later that night, everyone slept but Maemi, who was writing more in her story. She was a bit frustrated, because the spyders had spit on her papers. Jotting down more and more words, she became tired. Soon, she too slept. In the morning, they ate breakfast and began walking once again. When they did their first break, they noticed something was following them. “Oh no, not again,” was the first thing Princess Keari said. “I hate being followed!” “It may be a friendly creature following us, trying to make friends.” suggested Maemi. The Princess sighed, and ate a snack. Ryo cleaned his sword, while Merle cleaned his dagger while eating a fresh organic apple. Maemi scribbled on her paper, and after their break, they began walking again. Later that day, they all sat around a merry fire, just like the first night they were out. It sparkled and was merry as the stars were in the navy blue sky. “Oh no!” gasped Princess Keari. “My necklace! It’s gone!” “Do not fret, I have more in my bag,” replied Merle, although feeling sad. “I am fretting! It was the best gift anyone had given me. Even though it was you, who is comforting me. I loved it so very much. I must get it back!” Merle frowned, and looked at the distance they would have to walk back. It would almost be impossible to find it; so many creatures roamed the forest, and it could have been anywhere. That night, they slept uncomfortably, and made sure the Princess didn’t look for the necklace on her own. To their relief, the Princess was fast asleep and tired the whole night, and she didn’t even dare leave their camp. In the morning, they set off again, continuing their journey and trying to forget about the necklace. After they had walked a long distance, a ghost figure crept behind them. Why was a ghost out in the middle of day? What was it there for? It was a ghost of a usul, and it floated in front of them. They were, of course, all surprised at its presence. The usul took out a hand, and in it was the necklace. Princess Keari looked at it. The ghost smiled warmly and disappeared a second later. She was both puzzled and happy at the same time. “Thank you, ghost usul,” said Princess Keari to the air in front of her.
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Post by Lappi on Dec 19, 2002 18:17:47 GMT -5
Oh my... SO FAR my story is 32 pages long !! Wowwie!
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Post by felabba on Jan 2, 2003 10:30:01 GMT -5
Will edit as soon as poss...but that won't be until week after next...sometime...sorry adoriblelapin.
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Post by Lappi on Jan 2, 2003 10:39:14 GMT -5
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Post by calvinseviltwin on Jan 2, 2003 16:24:14 GMT -5
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Post by Lappi on Jan 2, 2003 16:50:00 GMT -5
[/quote]
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Post by felabba on Jan 16, 2003 0:28:48 GMT -5
Part II Ghost with the Jewel
"Oh, thank you again for this beautiful necklace, Merle(,)” said the Princess, clutching the jewels on the chain. “It’s the most beautiful thing in the world. I only wish I could thank your mother, too.” “That’s alright, my dear Princess. You’ve thanked me enough already! Now let’s all have a jolly meal to eat. Many of us are hungry from the earlier battle(,)” replied Merle, patting his stomach. “Yes, yes we certainly are. It is so hard to adjust to the light, isn’t it?” the Princess trailed off. “But we’re still in a forest, although different. Merry (stifled laugh...merry creatures? Er, sorry) creatures live here, along with evil ones(,)” Merle explained, waiting for his food. Maemi gathered the food, which she collected earlier, and Ryo made a fire. They sat and looked at the stars above them, glittering and sparkling. A lupe howled in the background, but they knew it wouldn’t attack them without warning, like the spyders and the Spider Grundo had. As they ate, Princess Keari pronounced/ declared (stated just doesn't sound right.) “Well, even though I haven’t seen enough of the world yet, I do feel homesick. That forest must truly be a bad place in Neopia, wouldn't it?” “Yes, it is. It’s one of the worst places you’ll ever go, and many places are much more beautiful than even where we are now(,)” smiled Maemi. Later that night, everyone slept but Maemi, who was writing more in her story. She was a bit frustrated, because the spyders had spit on her papers. Jotting down more and more words, she became tired. Soon, she too slept. In the morning, they ate breakfast and began walking once again. When they stopped for their first break, they noticed something was following them. “Oh no, not again,” was the first thing Princess Keari said. “I hate being followed!” “It may be a kindly creature following us, trying to make friends(,)” suggested Maemi. The Princess sighed, and ate a snack. Ryo cleaned his sword, and Merle cleaned his dagger while eating a fresh organic apple. Maemi scribbled on her paper, and after their break, they began walking again. Later that day, they all sat around a merry fire, just like the first night they were out. It sparkled and was merry as the stars that were in the navy blue sky. “Oh no!” gasped Princess Keari. “My necklace! It’s gone!” “Do not fret, I have more in my bag,” replied Merle, but still felt sad as he said it. “I am fretting! It was the best gift anyone had given me. Even though it was you, who is comforting me. I loved it so very much. I must get it back!” Merle frowned, and looked at the distance they would have to walk back. It would almost be impossible to find it; so many creatures roamed the forest, and it could have been anywhere. That night, they slept uncomfortably, and made sure the Princess didn’t look for the necklace on her own. To their relief, the Princess was fast asleep and tired the whole night, and she didn’t even dare leave their camp. In the morning, they set off again, continuing their journey and trying to forget about the necklace. After they had walked a long distance, a ghost figure crept behind them. Why was a ghost out in the middle of day? What was it there for? It was a ghost of a usul, and it floated in front of them. They were, of course, all surprised at its presence. (I should say so!) The usul held out a hand, and in it was the necklace. Princess Keari looked at it. The ghost smiled warmly and disappeared a second later. She was both puzzled and happy at the same time. “Thank you, ghost usul,” said Princess Keari to the air in front of her.
Hmm...this worries me because you've used a lot of writing to do very little - the "they made a camp, they went to sleep, they woke up, they ate, they continued walking," isn't necessary information in the story. It doesn't develop the characters, the storyline, or do anything but slow down the story. I make this mistake very often when i don't know exactly what i'm going to do next, and i think you could really try shortening or cutting this. Sorry for sounding so critical.
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Post by Lappi on Jan 16, 2003 17:06:08 GMT -5
Eh? It's ok. I'm just happy that you're back.
And that's what they do in the Hobbit and stuff . . . "this is how they walked". "This is how they slept" XD
Anyways . . . *sigh* I don't know. Maybe I'll . . . oh well, next chapter, coming up.
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Post by Lappi on Jan 16, 2003 17:13:27 GMT -5
. . . O.o Meh
Stolen Treasures
The next day, the Princess was gone. Merle, Ryo, and Maemi were all filled with panic. What had happened? Had she been kidnapped? If so, who had done this? Had she done it on her own free will? If she had, why? Merle, Ryo and Maemi did not walk on. Instead, they built a camp and stayed there for the day. The Princess could have trotted back any minute, so they stayed in alert. “Oh, my dear Princess, where art thy?” sighed Merle as they were eating lunch that day. “Don’t worry,” reassured Maemi. “I bet where ever she is, she’s safe. There are lots of friendly creatures here willing to help her, after all.” “Yet there are many who can harm her,” replied Merle, frowning. Ryo remained silence during their conversation. He was frowning and eating his food unwillingly, and also looking at a path, hoping that he could spot the Princess coming back. The day was long and passed leisurely, and Maemi could only occupy herself with writing down long and useful words, and drawing on her paper. Ryo kept watch all day, and Merle did too. When night was near, Ryo and Maemi had to look for food. Ryo was reluctant to do his job, and Maemi did not argue and let him stay at the camp while she looked for food. The leaves rustled under her as she walked through the forest. There were berry bushes all around, and they would be good to eat. Maemi picked up and large leaf to carry the food in. Later, she found wood and more food and a ghost usul. It was not the same one as the ghost usul that appeared with the necklace, but this one had two different faces; one of a dark look that looked terrifying, the other was sad and solemn. It made a menacing noise as Maemi took a step back. “I’m not here to hurt you, ghost usul. I am only here to look for food, and possibly the Princess.” The angry face looked surprised, while the sad one looked even more miserable. Not wanting to hurt the usul, Maemi continued, “Do you know where she is? If you don’t, do not worry. I’m sure she will be somewhere.” The darker face growl, while the sad face stared. Then both faces looked normal again, and spoke, “The kyrii is captured by the shadow usul. She is fine and is being protected by the fallen angel usul, and I am here to roam the forest as I always am. That is all I can tell you.” Then the ghost usul disappeared.
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Post by felabba on Jan 18, 2003 2:17:39 GMT -5
Only the sentences i've edited are here:
The Princess could have trotted back any minute, so they stayed in alert. “Oh, my dear Princess, where art thy?" (i think it's thou...thy usually applies to the speaker, so he's sort of saying, "oh, my dear princess, where am i?") sighed Merle as they were eating lunch that day. “Don’t worry,” reassured Maemi. “I bet wherever she is, she’s safe. “Yet there are many who can harm her,” replied Merle, frowning. (You use frowning for Ryo in the next sentence.) Ryo remained silent during their conversation. Maemi picked up a large leaf to carry the food in. Later, she found wood and more food (a pause here would be good, just a comma or a ...) and a ghost usul. It was not the same one as the ghost usul that appeared with the necklace, but this one had two different faces; one of a dark nature that looked terrifying, the other was sad and solemn. Not wanting to hurt (so you mean hurt here, or upset/provoke...something like that?) the usul, Maemi continued, “Do you know where she is? If you don’t, do not worry. I’m sure she will be somewhere.” The darker face growled, while the sad face stared. (Spoo-kay...)
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Post by Lappi on Jan 18, 2003 8:37:30 GMT -5
Meep! Oh, and by the way . . . Umm, I have a thread called Aisha Dark Shadow in the Umm . . . what's it called section . . . Unfinished Work? Work in Progress? Well, anyways, there, and I was wondering if you wanted to take a peek at it.
EDIT: Oh, right, the story . . .
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Post by Lappi on Jan 19, 2003 9:37:29 GMT -5
Three Ghosts
The night before, the Princess had heard noises. They were very strange, and she could not make out what they were. The others were asleep, all but Maemi. She was busy writing her story and didn’t seem to notice her, but when the Princess got up, she didn’t look at her, but spoke. “Isn’t it a little late?” she asked, rubbing her eyes. “Yes, I suppose so, but I can’t seem to make out that awkward noise.” replied the Princess. Maemi smiled. “Aw, don’t worry about it. It’s most likely a friendly creature, but I’m guessing it may be the ghost usul we saw earlier today.” “Really?” questioned Princess Keari. “I would very much like to thank her in person.” “I’m sure she knows you are thankful of her already. But I’m growing tired, so we had better sleep.” The Princess slept while Maemi packed her things. Later that night, more noises were heard. The Princess could not sleep well; she was used to quiet in her castle while she was asleep. Getting up to investigate, the noises seemed to come closer to her direction. She picked up all her needed possessions and walked toward the noise. In front of her were three ghost usuls. One was dark and had an evil look. It had glaring yellow eyes that seemed to be full of fury and fire. The other, whom was facing in the shadow usul’s direction, was the one who gave her the necklace. She was dark like the others, but had large faerie wings. The last one, who stood closest to the Princess, had two faces, one of hatred, the other of sorrow. The usul with wings, the fallen angel usul, looked in the Princess’s direction. Princess Keari took a step back, aware of the danger. Suddenly, the ghost usul (the one with two faces) disappeared. Then the shadow usul and the fallen angel usul flew up into the sky, letting debris whirl on the ground beneath them. The Princess watched, amazed, as they battled each other. They tackled and used their abilities. The shadow usul used magic pebble, and they flew passed the fallen angel usul as she zoomed closer to the shadow usul. A large spray of water jet was released by the fallen angel usul, and she quickly used spark immediately after it. The shadow usul fell a short distance to the ground and picked herself up again. Using a fiery gaze, she used lava spit, and they hit the ground but turned into a puff of smoke as it did. The Princess squinted her eyes and took out her staff from her bag. It was large and wooden, and on the tip was a large oval shaped metal with a jeweled star on it. She gripped it tight and closed her eyes. “Air, lend me your strength!” she shouted, as nothing happened. “Air,” she repeated. “Please lend me your strength!” The shadow usul stared. The fallen angel usul stared. Then the shadow usul dropped from the sky, aiming for the Princess. The fallen angel reacted quickly to that. She, too, flew down with all her might. “Air!” screamed the Princess. Suddenly, light came from her staff, blinding both the fallen angel usul and the shadow usul. They both retreated a distance and watched. An air shield appeared around her, and she floated slightly. “A sorceress,” growled the shadow usul. She dived to her and broke her shield. She then used drain life on the Princess, and contained her in a bubble. The fallen angel usul growled menacingly. “Why did you do that?” “She is dangerous,” the shadow usul hissed back, flying away. The fallen angel usul followed.
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