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Post by jockylocky on Sept 7, 2007 19:33:27 GMT -5
Deep Secrets: Parts 1 and 2 It's been a while since I've read a series, so I decided to start today. Deep Secrets, I must say, is awesome right now. The whole ring disappearance, your descriptiveness... you're an awesome writer Fjord! I'm looking forward for the final part to be released tonight. Sorry I can't offer you anything other, just that you're a great writer, and I can't wait to finish this lengthy series ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png)
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Post by Tyrannitar on Sept 8, 2007 12:27:22 GMT -5
I may or may not have internet now? Hmm... Sorry for being a bit rude about not getting reviewed. I was more depressed by not being included on the front page in the list of all the submissions. ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) Maybe one of my more popular stories with regular Neopians, but I'm just going to forget about it, despite it being my 10th submissions.
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Post by jockylocky on Sept 8, 2007 15:45:15 GMT -5
I may or may not have internet now? Hmm... Sorry for being a bit rude about not getting reviewed. I was more depressed by not being included on the front page in the list of all the submissions. ![:P](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/tongue.png) Maybe one of my more popular stories with regular Neopians, but I'm just going to forget about it, despite it being my 10th submissions. There's lots of people here in the NTWF, and if your username on Neopets is different here, people may not recognize you either. And if you're not on the front page, it's really likely that you're not going to get reviews. Just post on this thread with your story, or PM the maker of the board ![:)](//storage.proboards.com/forum/images/smiley/smiley.png)
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Post by Dragon on Sept 8, 2007 18:14:20 GMT -5
Playmobil- Captain Cappuccino = pure pwn. <3333
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2007 4:23:48 GMT -5
Flight: Parts One and Two by taipeissFirst off, I just have to say you got an awesome custom! Anything with that on the cover, I'd find hard not to at least be curious about. I know you really have no control over such things, so I guess I'm just pointing out your good fortune, but.... *shrugs* And, I guess, you have a cool pic to live up to. Mwuahahaha! Okay, I'll shut up now. :) Then, I read part one entirely before I wrote a word. Which, considering I usually jot down comments as I read, is a pretty cool thing. I simply got sucked into the writing: The opening wasn't the best I've seen, but Lo's character was instantly thrown in my face, and that somehow made the bond I formed with her much more intimate than I usually find it this early on in a piece of writing. The little things, things that people might not usually notice, definitely added to her character a lot: Like her recalling Mindi's saying, "It should be pink," or any of the other things she thought about, especially her long ponderings on what gift she should give her little sister. Mindi's letting her slip by at the end was incredibly well done as well. Till then, you flawlessly portrayed how horrible the relationship is between these two girls, so when Mindi just let Lo slide by, it held a lot more meaning than it would have had you not gone to such length to show how poorly these two get along. Then part two came, and I had one very big question: How old is she? Reading part one, I got the impression that she was maybe fifteen or sixteen, but in part two, she felt quite a few years older, like, around twenty, maybe even twenty-one. It's not something enormous, but her maturity here and her, well, lack of such sophistication in part one seemed to conflict, and that distanced me as a reader. I still felt close to her character, but I was more aware that I was reading a story, rather than simply experiencing it, as I could have been had I not begun wondering how old she was. The ending then blew me away. You were going so...let me think of the word...you were showing things second by second, and then—fwoosh—months had passed and she was living in Altador. Quite the unexpected twist, but, well, I liked it. It was done skillfully enough to remain enjoyable (even if it was quite a fair bit of telling), and it fit flawlessly with Lo's character. The cliffhanger, then, was simply an incredible way to end it. I'm eager, very eager, to see part three. Wow, first of all, thank you so much for reading the series thus far, and for the time you put into this review! I love love love the custom too, omg. Y'know, I never really thought of Lo's age too much here, just how she would think and feel around the other characters in the story. Khai sort of grounds her and keeps her sensible and a lot calmer than she would be around the house, where Mother and Mindi drive her absolutely batty. Of course, you can't just come straight out and explain that and expect it to mesh well with the story, so I understand how it can be conflicting, and I'm really glad you pointed it out! :) Thanks so much, and I hope you enjoy the last part!
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Post by Anna on Sept 9, 2007 8:21:00 GMT -5
Tyrannitar, you shouldn't beat yourself up over it. xD My series is on the front page and no one has reviewed it yet so don't worry about it. ;D
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Post by Deleted on Sept 9, 2007 17:36:11 GMT -5
Deep Secrets: Parts One and Two by extreme_fj0rd Congrats on finally becoming a Times Legend, Fj0rd! Though even if not having the 100 trophies before, I think you've been a legend for a long time. At least to me—your writing has always awed me. You've got incredible talent, and I'm sure you'll take it somewhere if you want to.
The beginning of this series struck at me for two different reasons: The first is that it seemed to start calmly but then was suddenly in the second-person. The second is that you mentioned the ring had no "hand" in choosing its fate: That rings are worn on hands and that it was not being worn seem to strike me as a rather delicate yet powerful play on words.
However, despite that powerful opening, I found the next scene rather difficult to get into. The lack of speaker attributions made it somewhat hard for me to grasp the dialogue and gain an idea of whose PoV I was reading in. Then, when the Nimmo thought he could forge Ethan's signature better than Ethan could write it himself, and the next paragraph began with a vague "he," I wasn't sure who had left the building but had initially taken it to be the Nimmo, not Ethan. Understand I find the writing beautiful and vivid, but it wasn't grounded enough for me to follow very easily. I know I've tried to forego using "he saids" in stories myself, but they're sometimes necessary for clarity, and I think they were certainly needed here.
When Ethan mentioned making a companion ring to the Ring of the Lost, I felt a chill of semblance to the Lord of the Rings. Not in imitation, but in a different kind of similarity, the kind that suggests I have an awesomely memorable tale ahead of me. When he mentioned making a second ring, the "cover art" finally made sense to me: Beforehand, I'd thought it was a shattered glass bottle, though now I can see that it is truly the Ring of the Deep.
The tension you built up in that scene was amazing, too; his almost toasting his papers added a great sense of realism and perfectly showcased his mindset, so profound is it that I can't even think of a fitting word to name it right now. Then, to say it's all to show up his rival? THAT was a twist I never saw coming.
In the following scene, a stunning picture of Augustine was given. (I particularly loved the repetition of "particularly special.") But even more valuable to me than that was that you used his friendship with Ethan to paint an even more stunning picture of him for, through Ethan's mind alone, such facts, seemingly so essential to the story, could not easily be given, so Augustine serves a duel role: To be Ethan's "inspiration," the cause for his craziness, but also as the lens through which we can rationally see the master jeweler at work.
In fact, from just reading part one, I've got a deepening feeling in my stomach. The tension and suspense is clearly evident in your writing, but it's even more prevalent in me, the reader, and that's an awesome feat. Ethan feels like a psychopath and this story feels like a thriller. I'm very excited.
In part two, the story progressed as one might have expect it to, Ethan growing more unstable whilst the rings get stolen. Deep and Lost most certainly, eh? That's not to say, of course, that I didn't enjoy it, because saying that I did not would be a grave mistake.
However, I found a lot of times, even though I was attentively reading, a few words would slip past recognition. The tone of this piece is so steady, and you've gone to such length to portray everything as it happen, that I don't seem to hold onto the more mundane things, like relighting a candle, until they've been mentioned again, and then I trip over them. Other than that, the only quip I have is that, in the middle of Ethan's PoV, there's two paragraphs of Augustine's narrating that could've been left out. Yes, their effect on Augustine's relationship to Ethan was a nice touch, but I think the effectiveness of the scene as a whole would have worked out much better if those two paragraphs had simply been left out.
And so concludes my thoughts of your latest masterpiece. And I do hope TNT fixes Issue 208 soon so I can read the next part, I seriously cannot wait for it. I think I'll be rather jittery till this is over, actually. It's suspense and tension remind me of the same qualities as they were in the movie The Number 23, and if this story proves anything like that one, at least in tone and mood, as I believe it already does, than I most definitely will not rest easy until this story rests itself.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2007 18:26:47 GMT -5
Petey and the Word Search Puzzle by shamboo5 This was a very creative and entertaining article that I immensely enjoyed. The tone of it was lighthearted and informative, never condescending, but very welcoming and sincere. The addition of puzzles that I could actually do (which I tried, but failed, obviously) was great fun and added incredibly to the article as a whole.
Ahnnilator's Guide to Lunch by cyneo_masters2 I always do love your guides, and this one is no exception. It was rather short, but in no way was it lacking any hilarity. Although I'd have liked the longer paragraphs to have been broken up a bit more, and I'd have liked this to be longer (it was almost too short, really), I don't actually have any complaints. The humor was good, the writing was good, and so, as a whole, the article was pretty good, too.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2007 20:04:03 GMT -5
Will Rise Again by ayame_23 This was quite an interesting story, though I'm not quite sure what to make of it. When I first began reading it, the white room with a one-way window reminded me of the movie Saw. Then, it felt like Balthazar wondered about his identity for too long: It soon felt old and worn out, even if the writing remained of good quality. The encounter with Sloth was interesting, but not much happened. The final shift to Sloth's point of view was rather odd, I felt, and it seemed to leave the story hanging, even if the implications it left were meant to be rather startling. Or, well, could have been, had there been more to this story than a conversation and a confused Lupe. What was Sloth's plan? What was the point of trying to get Balthazar's help if he was just going to let him go if he refused?
I did enjoy reading this. It just doesn't feel complete or whole to me.
Fetch! by myfallenrevival4 This story had a lot of weak points that didn't seem to grasp all the potential this story possesses. The beginning was rather flat: It opened the story, but wasn't memorable for me. The randomness of going to the future was confusing at first and didn't hold my attention well. Fyora's arrival certainly didn't help: She just dished out a load of exposition that wasn't very interesting to read. I think it would've been much better had it been allowed to come out more naturally in a conversation between the two, back and forth.
When Sloth arrived, however, the story was rather humorous and I enjoyed that scene. From there on, the story seemed to follow a straighter path, and I enjoyed that because it was easier to make sense of than the rest had been. Seeing the past was enjoyable, even wondrous at times. All those things, I'm not even familiar with any of them, and yet they all came alive here. That was awesome.
Not the best story of yours that I've read, though it was enjoyable for the most part.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2007 21:09:36 GMT -5
Without Friends by undeadfortune This was an awesome story. It pulled me into it immediately and it held my attention like few stories truly can. The tale was a mystery, constantly unfolding and making more sense. My thoughts, beliefs of what would be, were not, and they were set in place with splendor. The plot was incredible, and watching it unfold was amazing.
However, the writing did not live up to its potential. Nearly every time someone spoke, you added a "he said" at the end. But when the speaker was clear, they weren't needed, and when the speaker was unclear, they came too late. And none of them used the verb "said": they all asked, stated, announced, rambled, cut in, acknowledged, stuttered, questioned, wondered, thought aloud, or my favorite, listed. But variety is at its worst when narrating dialogue: Vivid verbs are best left out here in favor of the verb "said." Said is unobtrusive and people read over it, so if it's substituted, it draws attention back to the writing when instead you want to convey an experience, not a bunch of words. -ly adverbs should be avoided, too. They come off as condescending to the reader. Your dialogue was rather strong on its own, did I have to be told it was said thoughtfully, matter-of-factly, or what have you? No, I didn't.
Don't get me wrong, though, I really liked this story. It was incredible. But the best stories engulf the reader so deeply they forget they're reading, and this story kept reminding me it was a story and nothing more. But I wanted it to be more, because it was worth so much more.
I loved your last story, I loved this one, too. I await your next.
Captain Cappuccino and Miss Mocha by playmobil_is_my_life This was a very pleasant story to read. The characters were fun and entertaining; the situations were almost mundane, but because of that they fit the story well and were enjoyable, too.
The long and heavy introduction felt a bit too, well, long and heavy, though. It set a nice scene for things to go on, but it almost was out of proportion and took up too much space, I think.
Mechanically, this story was rather efficient. I noticed a lot of substitutes for "said" that, quite frankly, weren't needed, and of course there were the two slip-ups in person you've mentioned already, but otherwise, everything was sound.
Good work. :)
(Not Just Any) Day At The Park by psychopsam This was a really fun story to read. I liked watching Sam convince his pets to go to the park, and then all the pitfalls that met him there. It was very enjoyable and that final facade was awesome. I knew it was coming, but it was still great when it did.
The only thing that could've made this story better was if you had shown just a little more and told a little less. Towards the beginning especially, you spoke about your pets individually and gave us little room to really get to know them by watching how they act and react. Allowing these things to come out through their actions and their dialogue would have rounded the story out a bit more and made it much more enjoyable and more engulfing to read.
Nevertheless, a good story. :) And, of course, welcome to the forum! I can't forget that, can I?
A Time Before... by tootsiekitty_ The premise of this story was very enjoyable: Though stories-within-stories can often be confusing, you presented yours in a manner that was not confusing at all. Further, the bases of each story, of Finneus and his grandchildren and of the origin of the Lost Desert, were very inventive on their own. I particularly like how you presented the matter of Dubloons, even if the few paragraphs of the captain's seemed to cut into the rest of the story. The similarity of the names made me suspicious of its outcome, yet they were just original enough to not distract me.
The weakness of this story, however, was the same as its strength. In having Finneus tell the story, you, too, told it to the reader. It was essentially a history book, and although it was far from unenjoyable, it droned on and I found it hard to relate to the characters of Sahse and King Cazlt. Adding in a few more scenes to that would have been lovely and would've made the characters much more approachable.
This was a lovely first piece and I truly enjoyed it. Congrats on your first piece, and welcome to the NTWF.
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Post by Tashni on Sept 17, 2007 2:25:01 GMT -5
And now, a very late review of . . .
Captain Cappuccino and Miss Mocha by playmobil
I have so many other things I need to read, but with a title like that, I HAD to come back and read this. I'm glad I did, too! It was a cheesy, melodramatic story, and very entertaining! The corny seriousness of the Captain and Miss Mocha is really funny. As for a little concrit . . .
Um . . . do you know how a cappuccino is made? You have to make an espresso first, then you add foamed milk. So, this doesn't really make sense to me.
Also, I noticed you called the Catacombs the 'Catacombs, with an apostraphe, which is completely unnecessary. You only use an apostraphe when shortening a single word, not two. For instance, if you are going to shorten "mushroom," you write it as 'shroom.
Other than that, this was a cute story. It really reminds me of my own favorite coffee house, believe it or not.
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