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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2007 21:51:21 GMT -5
Shad and Saura: That Other City - Part Three by HuntressYou started very abruptly with a description of the library, but after about a week before getting to this, I'd forgotten they'd arrived at the library, so it was a bit confusing before I looked back at the end of part two. Further, I was quite shocked when Harfu suddenly left them alone; after all the security talk in the first two parts, I was certain he would have stayed with them longer. For how defined his character had been, I was further surprised when he just up-and-left them alone. As well, watch out for when the dialogue speaks for itself: “A lovely bunch of scholars you all are,” grunted Nabile, losing her patience for a second, then noticed Shad and Saura and her eyes widened in surprise. The entire middle part of that sentence is not needed: It's obvious to the reader that Nabile lost her temper, so telling us in the narration only weakens the writing. And on the subject of dialogue, Nabile's giving Shad and Suara her life story in sixty seconds didn't seem to fit: It felt out of place, very much so, and could've worked better as a fuller conversation between the three as they walked through the castle. I was slightly disappointed by this part. The first two seemed to build up to a story that I was certain would begin to show more vividly here, but that was not the case. In fact, this part felt to have less story than the first two, if that's even possible. I enjoyed reading this, yes, but it didn't have as much story (plot progression, perhaps?) as I might have hoped for by now. The Dark Faeries' Apprentice: Part Three by neo_star_queenPerhaps it's simply my overt fondness for syntax, but you never start a sentence with numerals, instead writing it (and any number two-digits or less) in words. And, really, is "ten thousand" all that different than "10,000"? Aside from that, my one complaint is that everything felt very over-described to me. You drew a wonderful picture with it all, but it seemed to clutter things a bit and get in the way of my getting closer to your characters. However, when you mentioned Denriada's feeling out of place because she had plain stuff whereas no one else did, I gained a better appreciation for it, but then I realised that, although Denriada would have noticed everything being individualised, no one else would have thought of that every day, so it once more felt out of place again. In all, though, I continued to enjoy seeing this family go about their daily lives while handling the issue of Denriada's presence at the same time. At times, it did feel as if NSQ was a bit in denial, not handling things head on but preoccupying herself elsewhere, but I'm still rather new to her character to be passng judgments. Neofaerie, though, seems to have come across very nicely in his making up with Neoangel even without liking the situation any better. And I'd certainly like to know what happened at the Rainbow Pool. ^_^ Star Power: Part Three by springsteen0991The first part was rather good on PoV: You kept it through Bethany's character the entire time. However, you had a few times when you said something via dialogue and then repeated yourself through the narration. In the second part, your PoV was firmly Lena's, except for one paragraph which you wrote through Samson's that, for my enjoyment as a reader, could've been left out entirely. Otherwise, this was a very good part. Once more, your character's were easily related to and perfectly shown. Lena's skewed logic and longing for glamour were especially prevalent, even when I was reading this through Bethany's point of view (though, perhaps, as Bethany was the one observing it, it only added to how odd Lena seemed, but, either way, I loved the humour in putting cucumbers in her ears! ^_^ And, if I moisterize my eyes a bit, any chance I won't need glasses anymore? lol). Anyways, I'm quite enjoying this series, and I eagerly await the next part.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2007 22:14:40 GMT -5
Good Night? by pokemon_lunatic and penguinity I think the proper term for this would be "karma." XD The art was nice, although the panels were a bit small and the colors were dark on my computer. The joke was especially funny, too. ^_^
COMIKAZE III by bird_brain312 I believe the proper word for this would be "cruelty." XD The art was really nice, even if a bit small, but my complaint is that the font was really small and I had to squint and move close to the screen to read it. Otherwise, this was a very funny comic, and I loved the joke.
Tails: Prologue by lig3r Congrats on your first piece in the 'Times! ^_^
This was an incredible comic. The artwork was stupendous and I loved your attention to detail; your ability to portray emotions so clearly (and vividly) was simply stunning. The comedy was of the "aww—that's so adorable" kind, but it really made this just so precious, in addition, of course, to its already being hilarious.
I certainly look forward to seeing your series continue! Lots of good luck with it. :)
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Post by Lillie on Sept 6, 2007 22:23:25 GMT -5
Thanks for the review, Squiesh! I'm really glad you like it so far =D
I feel bad I didn't do very many reviews this week, but I didn't have any time >_< *stabs school* Hopefully I'll find some more time tomorrow.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 6, 2007 23:41:32 GMT -5
Thanks Squiesh and Wolf for the reviews! =) I'm really happy that you guys are reading it. And Squiesh, if Lena gets on your nerves... it's natural. She's a nightmare.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2007 0:00:49 GMT -5
Flight: Part Two by taipeiss Hmm, that doesn't really sound right. I think you could have gone without the 'me.' Also, there was some stuff with 'here's when Lo went to Khai's house that I think should have been 'there's... but... meh it doesn't really matter. All nit-pickiness aside, the ending of this part was really... unexpected. At least for me. I didn't think Lo would actually move that far away! Just leave her family like that...? Aw, I feel sorry for Mindi and her mom. But things started to really pick up this part. As always, I love your writing. And Khai is an awesome character. XD This is getting really interesting. Ah, the suspense! What is the deal with that doll? Oh, and I think I saw you mention somewhere that this was a 3 part series... So yay, that means I get answers soon! XD Great job, Taipei! =D Hahaha, the "me myself" was actually a semi-inside thing... in my acting class last semester, there was a particular part in a scene where the guy is giving the girl his sweater, and he's showing her a cigarette hole he burned so he knew where the front was, cause the tag had fallen out. She was an odd girl, so he said something like "Now I don't know if you like your front in the back, but me myself, I like the front on the front." The "here"s were an interesting thing for me too, I spent a lot of time thinking over them because of the pov and tense I wanted, the feel about the narration I wanted to have. I'm glad you're enjoying it! I wouldn't feel sorry, the Mother and Mindi are insufferable. There's a lot of alienation and senses of not belonging in the history.
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Post by Dimi on Sept 7, 2007 0:25:26 GMT -5
Good Night? by pokemon_lunatic and penguinityI think the proper term for this would be "karma." XD The art was nice, although the panels were a bit small and the colors were dark on my computer. The joke was especially funny, too. ^_^ Haha, why didn't I think that earlier? ;D Thanks!
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Post by Lex Luthor on Sept 7, 2007 1:26:23 GMT -5
As I was telling Psycho yesterday, I only realized it was in this week, so thanks to everyone who read it before me. Without Friendsby undeadfortune Cool! For once, I don't really know what to say. This story has a lot more meaning than the other ones I read. The main character, although I'm not really sure whether it's a boy or a girl (At first I thought boy, and then when I read Idris I thought wait...girl? If the gender is mentioned somewhere, I missed it; sorry) was beautifully done. I thought the idea of the Space Station being alive was so creative-- that conversation with the Grundo on Day Two is my favorite part of the story. In fact, I really liked all of the dialogue, but for one problem: There were barely any contractions! Sometimes it just didn't feel natural; it was too formal. As for your writing style, it's amazing. Character development and the plot were fantastic. The story was a little confusing in some places (That spotted Xweetok...what?) but overall I loved how metaphorical it was. Awesome job. You're not the only person to get on me for lacking contractions But thanks for pointing it out, as I'll try and remember to switch up the way characters speak. Without Friends by undeadfortune Great story, I must say! My favorite part was definitely when Idris has the talk with the Grundo Chef. It's kind of creepy, but it's very cool at the same time. The characters were developed very well, and I love how everything comes into play near the end. I love the description of the Space Station, and how Idris passes people two or three times. The only thing that bugged me was that the end was a bit confusing. Other than that, it was superb! Thank you. Seems a secondary character stole the show in this story, so I'm glad you liked him. The end sort of has Idris cure himself, returning to how he once was (but not so clearly and in those words).
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Post by Tk ∆ on Sept 7, 2007 1:44:47 GMT -5
I hate asking but I'd really like if someone could review my story for me, I know my reviewing wasn't much though...
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Post by Huntress on Sept 7, 2007 13:05:33 GMT -5
Shad and Saura: That Other City - Part Three by HuntressYou started very abruptly with a description of the library, but after about a week before getting to this, I'd forgotten they'd arrived at the library, so it was a bit confusing before I looked back at the end of part two. Further, I was quite shocked when Harfu suddenly left them alone; after all the security talk in the first two parts, I was certain he would have stayed with them longer. For how defined his character had been, I was further surprised when he just up-and-left them alone. As well, watch out for when the dialogue speaks for itself: “A lovely bunch of scholars you all are,” grunted Nabile, losing her patience for a second, then noticed Shad and Saura and her eyes widened in surprise. The entire middle part of that sentence is not needed: It's obvious to the reader that Nabile lost her temper, so telling us in the narration only weakens the writing. And on the subject of dialogue, Nabile's giving Shad and Suara her life story in sixty seconds didn't seem to fit: It felt out of place, very much so, and could've worked better as a fuller conversation between the three as they walked through the castle. I was slightly disappointed by this part. The first two seemed to build up to a story that I was certain would begin to show more vividly here, but that was not the case. In fact, this part felt to have less story than the first two, if that's even possible. I enjoyed reading this, yes, but it didn't have as much story (plot progression, perhaps?) as I might have hoped for by now. True >< But as for security, there really wasn't much. Nightsteed didn't have any real power in the castle so he hadn't tightened any security rules, much as he wanted to. The guards just didn't want to earn his dislike - well, more dislike - so all Harfu needed was to not let the tourists wander around alone. Once they were in the library, they were under the eye of other people, ergo, little watchman can take a hike and not bother any more. The problem is, the story keeps building all the time. But. The importance of most of the characters doesn't unravel until later, and I never was much of a fan of the reader-knows-more-than-heroes style, so I can't exactly help it if the show doesn't start at once >>; Shad and Saura just arrived, can't drop them face-first into a mystery at once. Though I do agree, it's hard to keep the readers' attention that way x.X ...and as for Nabile, she's a brat xD Haven't you ever met people who drop their life all over you before you can say 'erm'? (If not, lucky.) I'm not sure how I could've executed that dialogue, because I do agree that it was kinda ick, but you seem to suggest some sort of a sophisticated, diplomatic conversation, which'd make Nabile incredibly OOC. She's still a former street urchin and teenager (and now that I think about it, married to a 300-year-old prince. Yikes. Smooth move, Neo.) Long story short, thanks muchly for the review ^^ And I gets better, I promise xD
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2007 13:48:33 GMT -5
Aaagh, I completely forgot to review this week! What with my birthday and my brother's birthday and college and opera, just aaaak. I'm so sorry.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2007 16:04:32 GMT -5
No problem! I can't wait to hear more from you! xD
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2007 18:39:37 GMT -5
The Dark Faeries' Apprentice: Part Three by neo_star_queenPerhaps it's simply my overt fondness for syntax, but you never start a sentence with numerals, instead writing it (and any number two-digits or less) in words. And, really, is "ten thousand" all that different than "10,000"? Aside from that, my one complaint is that everything felt very over-described to me. You drew a wonderful picture with it all, but it seemed to clutter things a bit and get in the way of my getting closer to your characters. However, when you mentioned Denriada's feeling out of place because she had plain stuff whereas no one else did, I gained a better appreciation for it, but then I realised that, although Denriada would have noticed everything being individualised, no one else would have thought of that every day, so it once more felt out of place again. In all, though, I continued to enjoy seeing this family go about their daily lives while handling the issue of Denriada's presence at the same time. At times, it did feel as if NSQ was a bit in denial, not handling things head on but preoccupying herself elsewhere, but I'm still rather new to her character to be passng judgments. Neofaerie, though, seems to have come across very nicely in his making up with Neoangel even without liking the situation any better. And I'd certainly like to know what happened at the Rainbow Pool. ^_^ Thanks for the review again Wolf! I will keep the number thing in mind, my English teacher told me once and then I kept it up for a while and then forgot. xP I know how you feel about overdescription 'cause I feel it gets in the way of the story too. I'll read the story over again for parts where I put in too much description, thanks for pointing it out! I don't really get what you mean about Denriada though, sorry... ^^; When you say 'no one else would have thought of that every day' do you mean that the members of the family wouldn't notice it? If so then that's a good point because it's true they would just be used to having their own personalized stuff, but NSQ (character, not necessarily me ) is just sensitive to this stuff, as well as really panicky and she overthinks minor situations. And yes, as you mention she doesn't always face problems directly, she is a spaz like that. xD Thank you so much for the crit! It's really helpful. <333
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2007 18:43:51 GMT -5
If there's anyone who reviews uncompleted series, I'd love a review for TDFA! But only if you have spare time, 'cause I probably won't review anything this issue. ^^; I'm probably gonna review that after the last part if that's cool with you. I like to read through series all at once, so I don't forget anything over the week. No problem at all! ^___^ I read the first part of your series and thought it was by Buddy for some reason? I was like "This is really good but kind of different from Buddy's usual stuff!" Uhh but yeah, I'll do a review for yours when it ends too.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2007 18:56:02 GMT -5
I don't really get what you mean about Denriada though, sorry... ^^; When you say 'no one else would have thought of that every day' do you mean that the members of the family wouldn't notice it? Yes, that's exactly what I mean. :) You're so very welcome! ^_^ I like giving crit, because it somehow makes me more attentive to the same things when I encounter them in my writing, but even more so, I just really like reading everything. ^_^ If I had the time, I'd probably read all the NT, members of the NTWF or not. :)
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Post by Deleted on Sept 7, 2007 19:13:43 GMT -5
Flight: Parts One and Two by taipeiss First off, I just have to say you got an awesome custom! Anything with that on the cover, I'd find hard not to at least be curious about. I know you really have no control over such things, so I guess I'm just pointing out your good fortune, but.... *shrugs* And, I guess, you have a cool pic to live up to. Mwuahahaha! Okay, I'll shut up now. :)
Then, I read part one entirely before I wrote a word. Which, considering I usually jot down comments as I read, is a pretty cool thing. I simply got sucked into the writing: The opening wasn't the best I've seen, but Lo's character was instantly thrown in my face, and that somehow made the bond I formed with her much more intimate than I usually find it this early on in a piece of writing. The little things, things that people might not usually notice, definitely added to her character a lot: Like her recalling Mindi's saying, "It should be pink," or any of the other things she thought about, especially her long ponderings on what gift she should give her little sister.
Mindi's letting her slip by at the end was incredibly well done as well. Till then, you flawlessly portrayed how horrible the relationship is between these two girls, so when Mindi just let Lo slide by, it held a lot more meaning than it would have had you not gone to such length to show how poorly these two get along.
Then part two came, and I had one very big question: How old is she? Reading part one, I got the impression that she was maybe fifteen or sixteen, but in part two, she felt quite a few years older, like, around twenty, maybe even twenty-one. It's not something enormous, but her maturity here and her, well, lack of such sophistication in part one seemed to conflict, and that distanced me as a reader. I still felt close to her character, but I was more aware that I was reading a story, rather than simply experiencing it, as I could have been had I not begun wondering how old she was.
The ending then blew me away. You were going so...let me think of the word...you were showing things second by second, and then—fwoosh—months had passed and she was living in Altador. Quite the unexpected twist, but, well, I liked it. It was done skillfully enough to remain enjoyable (even if it was quite a fair bit of telling), and it fit flawlessly with Lo's character.
The cliffhanger, then, was simply an incredible way to end it. I'm eager, very eager, to see part three.
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