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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2007 13:26:38 GMT -5
Life as a Grand Bogen by Nikki
This was an interesting article and though I didn't find it as fun as I have found some others, it was enjoyable to read. I don't quite understand the basis of this, though, as it really didn't resonate as much of an "article" by my idea of them, so it was a bit off on that point, but it was written quite nicely and was done well, as well.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2007 14:22:05 GMT -5
One Crazy Day by Birdy
For some strange reason...when I started reading that...it reminded me of my story "Rules of the House."
For some even stranger reason...when I finished reading that...it reminded me of an episode of Spongebob.
And, even though I despise the show and would vow to kill it for eternity even if the repercussions would destroy the world, I mean that as a compliment. It was senseless, nonsensical, chaotic, and was at times stupid beyond belief, but despite all of that...in an almost startling way...it was incredibly entertaining. Not to mention that, it was written with flawless spelling, perfect grammar, and something oddly resembling of literary genius. That all said, have a cookie. *hands out cookie* ^_^ Great job. I really liked this story.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2007 14:22:52 GMT -5
The Shoyru from Outer Space by Tashni
I probably spent the better portion of ten minutes too bedazzled by your AWESOMELY AWESOME custom to start reading this. I was just...blown away by it. It is so...everything. Anyways...
This then began differently than I had been expecting, but it began powerfully and led into the story quite nicely, with even a comical touch thrown in, too. Great job with the grand opening, Tashni.
Though the excessive use of "baseball" did become a bit much, just before it became unbearable you stopped with it. I'd assume that that was all done intentionally, then, so good, albeit devious, work with that, too.
Nokura is an awesome character, though the characterization for Aekin was just so much better, I feel. It had more substance to it. All of his witty lines (I'd probably quote the ones I really, really liked, but that'd be almost all of them ^_^), as well as the lines of others and his responses to them. Though Nokura was well-defined and I was able to envision her clearly, Aekin came off, to me, as being just so much more vivid.
As the story went on, the wisdom that Aekin began revealing in his speech was nicely done, and it only defined his personality even more. Nokura's slyness and intense laughter, as well, added to her image, though although it refined and strengthened her image, as the story was more than half-over by then, she was unable to grow as vivid in my mind as Aekin had. Still, your characterization was done beautifully and it truly worked out wonderfully.
The entire world you described was wonderful, well-described and flawlessly written of to its utmost and fullest vividness and immersion of the reader. I quite enjoyed that, and the entire philosophy/explanation behind it all was incredibly satisfying and believable, too.
The ending, lol, was incredibly done, though it felt just a bit too open to me. I think a final response from Nokura, like maybe "Not at all." would have closed it sufficiently while still leaving it open for expansion. Having it say "the beginning" instead of "the end" was also quite innovative as well.
A few minutes after than [...]
I believe that "than" should have been a "then." Might be worth watching out for more closely.
[...] as if he was proof enough [...]
As well, that is said subjunctively, and should be "were." My biggest grammatical pet peeve is improper subjunctivity, and it happens to be one of the things I see most. *sigh*
“Well as Nokura said,” began Aein
That "well" needed a comma after it, and Aekin's missing a 'k'.
“Sure,” Tashni said as she shrugged. “It’s not like anyone would believe us anyway.”
Yep...so she puts the story in the 'Times. Very discreet. No one will ever look there. ^_^
Overall, I had an incredible time reading this, Tashni. *gives you a cookie, too*
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Post by Tashni on Mar 5, 2007 14:47:41 GMT -5
The Shoyru from Outer Space by TashniI probably spent the better portion of ten minutes too bedazzled by your AWESOMELY AWESOME custom to start reading this. I was just...blown away by it. It is so...everything. Anyways... Yes, it is awesomely awesome. But it's not custom, it's actually a desktop wallpaper from the site. (The image and my Shoyru, Nokura, inspired the story. ^_^) Thank you. I like the comic touches. Hrm . . . *goes and rereads the baseball stuff* You're right! I WAAAY overused "baseball." Thanks for pointing that out. *ponders* You are quite right! In the next story, I shall work on that. (If I can come up with a new storyline, anyway.) Yay! That makes me happy. Sci fi can be difficult that way. And this is sci fi fantasy!!! Seeing as it's a sci fi story set in a fantasy world and all . . . Well, I kinda wanted Nokura to be too excited to reply to Aekin. Maybe I could have followed the toothbrush comment with "and the door sealed behind them" or something like that. I'm glad you like the "Beginning" thing. Yes, erm, well . . . *hangs head in shame* Who is this "discreet" you speak of? Thank you for the cookie! And thank you SOOOO much for the mega review!!! *gives you entire cookie jar* |
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Post by Tashni on Mar 5, 2007 15:10:54 GMT -5
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Post by Ginz ❤ on Mar 5, 2007 15:16:14 GMT -5
That's very strange.  Did you get your trophy for it? Just asking because if it's listed as hers, she could have been awarded it by mistake or something... |
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Post by Tashni on Mar 5, 2007 15:36:14 GMT -5
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Post by Tashni on Mar 5, 2007 15:38:28 GMT -5
White Sand and Shattered Glass - I enjoyed this story! The plot wasn't especially new, but your characters and descriptions more than make up for it. Also, in the end, I wasn't entirely sure how everything would turn out, so I did not know how it would end. All in all, I liked it!
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Post by Freefalldreams on Mar 5, 2007 15:40:58 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2007 17:00:46 GMT -5
Life as a Grand Bogen
I agree with Wolf that this one wasn't as fun as others you have written. It was well-written, to be sure, and made sense, but I thought it lacked the specificity and ingenuity I've seen in your other articles. You've given us a little bit of information about Rufus, which was good, but it seemed like arbitrary information for this article. I would have liked to know more about him as it pertained to this article.
In the third paragraph you say "So for months and months I planned entertainment..." I would like to see more specifically what Rufus did in smaller, more specific paragraphs rather than this general overview we get here. Also, I think all the numbered points could be pulled into a paragraph, which might have been more interesting and might have had more room for specificity.
A couple other things I noticed:
Be careful with your use of exclamation points. Use them rarely and if you use one, think really hard about it before keeping it there.
Your intro could be a lot stronger if it didn't begin with "Hello, I am Rufus." And that paragraph could be stronger if it didn't end with " Now I’ll share with you the wonderful experience."
The whole tone of the piece seems falsely upbeat. I would have liked to have seen in written in a more genuine, true to life tone.
I know I gave you a lot of criticisms, but that's because I've seen some great articles from you, and I think you have a real talent for writing them--which can be hard to find in the Times. I'm looking forward to your next article.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 5, 2007 17:30:27 GMT -5
One Crazy Day
Well, I'll say it was one crazy day for these two. I'm really glad when you became a part of the story later on. I was a little worried when you started the way you did, but as I read on I could see that it really worked.
I got a good laugh when you ended it and Magax and Nox got upset. I'm not sure your explanation of the difference between talking to main characters as opposed to other characters works for me, but it was a minor detail that I could ignore.
First of all, keep adverbs to a minimum when you write. There is usually (in fact, almost always) a better way to describe what's going on than with an adverb. Also, I'm a little confused as to as to who is saying "That's better." Is that you, the author? I think it is, but I can't be sure.
Every event in this story occurs very suddenly, which I understand is part of the style, and adds to what you're trying to do with this story. However, I thought the transition from earthquake to home was a little too sudden. There's an earthquake, tumble around, and end up back in the Haunted Woods. You make up for it pretty well when you say "better, guys?" but I still found that more jarring than the story calls for. Also, if it had been me, I would have left off the last line, as I think "better, guys?" would be a more effective ending.
Overall, this was a great first story and I'm looking forward to reading more by you in the future. You had some great lines ("Magax and Nox moved faster than a snow pet on a concrete sidewalk on a hot summer's day"), and it was a fun read.
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Post by Lau on Mar 5, 2007 18:10:08 GMT -5
Thanks for the reivew, Tashni!
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Post by Nut on Mar 5, 2007 19:55:56 GMT -5
Um. Proposal to make. I really don’t want to come off as too demanding here, but I wouldn’t mind getting more reviews for this… In exchange, I’m willing to review any old piece of yours that I haven’t commented on before (or even two, since my reviews aren’t as thorough as some people’s here. This offer also stands for those who reviewed it in the week it came out--if you want a review, just name the piece). Feel free to tell me off if I’m being too greedy, which I know I am being. x.x; I know this sort of trade kind of messes up the week-by-week system of review threads. And now I shall stop making a feedback-crazed fool of myself and get started on this week’s issue. Article[glow=blue,2,300] Life as a Grand Bogen[/glow] This was an interesting article. I did like the focus on how the Grand Bogen is a role that can be filled by anyone, as opposed to talking about Rufus as the Grand Bogen. He does seem to be trying awfully hard to pass the job to us considering he likes it so much, though.  The writing was quite nice overall, aside from this: “Took” should be “take”. The current sentence implies that he had already taken the post before they mentioned it to him. Some more description of the party would’ve been nice. Telling us that the celebration is amazing doesn’t really give us the basic idea of how the festival went. I do like how you talked about old legends and the importance of satisfying the fruits. I agree with Luau on the forced cheery tone Rufus took on, but it was still a nice article for the holiday. ^^ |
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Post by Nut on Mar 5, 2007 19:56:14 GMT -5
Comics[glow=blue,2,300] New Life[/glow] *stares at last panel* That was a sight I never expected to see… XD It’s nice to see her in something other than tatters for a change. And, oh my… cardboard wings? XD Did she get that idea from the Happiness Faerie? I love the Grey Faerie’s expressions. She looks so mopey in the first panel, with her hair falling all around her, and then goes to pouty in the second, to indignant in the third… it’s fun to watch her face change until it’s turned around completely. x3 I love how Shad is so happy. That character thrust adds a lot to the comic. The last panel is great, with the two of them looking so happy, ganging up on poor Saura. XD I agree with Wolf about the fingers, though. They’re kind of thin and look like they’re coming out of nowhere; if she’s using her first couple fingers, one should be attached at the side of her hand and the other right next to it. Also, her thumb seems to have an extra joint, making it look like a finger. Still, though, a funny comic. The cool Grey Faerie was just priceless. XD [glow=blue,2,300] Spooky[/glow] Aww, Komo’s so cute. x3 I love the picture of him leaping upside-down through the air. It’s just such a fun image to open the comic with, and you can see why he wants them to try it. The convenient placement of Echo and Claw in a corner of the panel was nice; it placed attention on the flipping Korbat and kept me from thinking about Echo and Claw’s hidden legs (which probably wouldn’t have occurred to me anyway). I love the jumping Komo panel. He looks so happy and you can see the action. The space backdrop for that one panel is perfect. (Unrelated note: It only just occurred to me that Komo has wings. I’ve never seen him use them, so I’d practically forgotten he had any. It seems perfectly in character for him to be jumping around, but I wonder why he doesn’t seem to like flying. x3) The whole comic was very quick to read and the punchline came just as quickly. Simple, but very funny. The expressions made it perfect. XD [glow=blue,2,300] QT’s Queasies[/glow] I like the overhead perspective of Meridell in the first panel, with the castle looming in the foreground. In fact, all the art is very good. ^^ I love QT’s horrified expression when she sees the food stall, and her disgusted face in the last panel is really nice too. ^^ I like how the smiling Meerca is carrying the bowl of dirt so that it doesn’t appear completely out of nowhere in the corner, although I’m not sure the bowl of soup would be best placed there, as it seems a bit distracting from the punchline. It also makes me wonder if the sign is actually meant to be taken literally. When I first read the second word balloon, I thought it meant food related to Earth, as in human delicacies. Maybe that word could’ve been changed to mud or something along those lines, to make it clearer. While I’m at it, grammar nitpicking time: “At Least its not Spooky Food” should be “At least it’s not Spooky Food”.  The last line finished off the pun perfectly. XD Good work. [glow=blue,2,300] Mutant Doughnut[/glow] Hehe, that technique’s definitely handy… XD The art is really cute; I especially like how you used a Filamen as an idea lightbulb. Great Neopianization of a common icon. The expressions are very nice as well (although their faces seem a bit squished in the panel where the Draik is sweating). The panel where the Draik runs off singing was a little confusing, and kept me from getting the joke at first. I didn’t quite see how the Draik went from sweating in fear to skipping off happily. I guess this is just his natural reaction now that he wasn’t occupying himself with puns anymore, but I was trying to draw a relationship between the two panels and couldn’t figure it out. It was a cute panel though and my lack of comprehension may be due to the fact that it’s late here. It was a very cute comic. ^^
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Post by nikki on Mar 5, 2007 20:28:02 GMT -5
Thank you all for the reviews!! Yeah, I see what you mean. It might have been fun to make into a short story rather than an article Thanks for the review! I'll keep that all in mind and work on improving my articles This one is actually one I wrote last year that I should have gone over and fixed a bit but I didn't think about it! Thanks!  Wow, can't believe I didn't catch that.  And I agree, I should have added more description. Thank you Any more reviews for Life as a Grand Bogen would really be appreciated! I promise that I will post reviews for you guys soon. |
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Did you get your trophy for it? Just asking because if it's listed as hers, she could have been awarded it by mistake or something...
And I agree, I should have added more description. Thank you