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Post by Psycho on Nov 3, 2006 22:08:38 GMT -5
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Post by Dan on Nov 4, 2006 1:02:01 GMT -5
Stuck in the Neopet House- I saw this on the Plot Thread, but the color makes it so much better. Great job!  Spooky- XD That's a joke I hadn't heard about grave-digging before. Good job for coming up with a creative idea, and as always, <3 the art. CCR Instincts "...such a morning made it hard to believe that there was anything evil in the world." Wow, that's a powerful line. ^^ Other than that, this part was pretty good. It moved rather quickly at the end, which I think might've fit better as the beginning of Part 3. Nevertheless, I liked the idea of this series. It'll be interesting to see what you have in store for our favorite Lupe Knight Werelupe. XD Excited for next week. Aubrise and the Gebmid Mystery- First off, I appreciate the summary at the beginning. It helps a lot after forgetting what you read a week ago. XD I liked the installment but I have a few nitpicks. It seemed Aubrise had a very easy time deciphering the hieroglyphs, which seemed a bit implausible. I don't think anyone can tell right off the bat things like that.  And it's also a bit off that the Wocky at the end would react like that. I know if I were a top researcher and wasn't around, people wouldn't say I was missing. I think you just needed something to make it more plausible that she's gone missing and not just...out. XD Do you understand what I'm trying to say? Besides that, though, good job. Just a few places where you spelled things wrong (such as artefact instead of artifact), but overall, well done. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2006 4:42:09 GMT -5
Thanks for the quick review, Dan  Aubrise and the Gebmid Mystery- First off, I appreciate the summary at the beginning. It helps a lot after forgetting what you read a week ago. XD Ta I put it in because hate reading something when I cant quite remember what happened before. Yeah, I know what you mean - the trouble was if I'd made her spend ages deciphering them the story would have got stuck  Good point... Um... Yep... English-English spellchecker Thanks for the review - very helpful |
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Post by Violin on Nov 4, 2006 9:02:50 GMT -5
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Post by Psycho on Nov 4, 2006 9:07:49 GMT -5
CHRONICLES OF A COURT ROGUE PART 2 - NIMRAS I agree with Dan - I love "...such a morning made it hard to believe that there was anything evil in the world." The werelupe took me by surprise. I gasped a little. Jeran got bitten! 0_0! I have to stop typing now so I can figure out what happens next... My thoughts exactly! Well, doing anything other than deliberately provoking the werelupe is equivalent, in my mind, to "just standing around", so I'm a little confused about why a werelupe would have attacked, out of the blue. I thought they were in the middle of the Lord's field? Ohhh. Nevermind then! I ought to finish reading, then, I suppose, before I make any additional comments. I am really enjoying the way you've incorporated werelupes into this story, Nim. While I want to know what Jeran is going to do or how Jeran is going to react, I kind of wish you had ended this part with a cliffhanger. The ending wasn't terrible, but I didn't think it did this part justice. It's always refreshing, however, to see your portrayal of Jeran. Getting Jeran bitten! The ideal hero is introduced to his species biggest flaw. Looking forward to next week |
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Post by Psycho on Nov 4, 2006 9:31:57 GMT -5
Sorry I missed you, Vi. You're on the list now. IF... Vi, this is a very interesting piece. I found it rather insightful, really. This couldn't have been easy to write - but you did it well! The writing flows smoothly and I had no difficulty following the speaker's train of thought. I also found it delightful that this was written in the form of a letter, sort of <can't-think-of-the-word!> blissful? There's a word that describes this feeling perfectly but I can't seem to think of it at the moment. It's a good word. It was a little sad in the beginning, because this speaker is dreaming of the things he is not, but then the story picks up and he starts dreaming of more fantastical things - of what he COULD do as opposed to what he is NOT. awww the postscript was cute but I think I would have liked a little more development into it. It just felt a little abrupt - maybe I would have inserted a few "What would you think of me if I did that, Tibby?" after each adventure, and then closed off with the "But you would rather me be as I am" ending. Overall I felt this was a charming piece. I really like how you used the yellow tuskaninny - I really am repulsed by tuskaninnies in general, and yellow ones even more, so this makes it a suitable choice for someone who wishes to be something more. The nature of your piece makes it difficult to write, grammatically. I have difficulty taking on these tenses too, but here are a few things I would correct - my explanations for my corrections may not be completely correct but I do know that the corrections themselves are as they should be. "if" usually signals the use of the subjunctive tense (especially here, where "if" is in reference to a wish or desire), which requires "was" to be changed to "were" so that the sentence would read, "If I were not myself, but..." There were instances throughout the piece where this needed to be corrected (well, maybe that has something to do with the piece being titled, "If"  ); I noticed that you wrote "If parades WERE held in my honor...", which is correct. Here are just some examples if you don't understand what I'm talking about: www.ceafinney.com/subjunctive/examples.htmlOne other small problem, The conditional tense can often be mistaken for imperfect tense (I don't know if that's really what it's called in english, I only know it as the French "conditionelle" tense). In order to distinguish between the two, "behaved" should be made "behave", because this is simply "what if" and hasn't really happened yet. "If they misbehave, I would..." If anyone disagrees with me, I am always open for correction but this is, as far as I know, correct. and I think "I had been" would be better written as "I were" because this is still conditional - the speaker hasn't done this yet. Again, try to distinguish between the imperfect tense and the conditional. Other than that, there wasn't anything that bothered me about your piece. Well done, Vi! |
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Post by Violin on Nov 4, 2006 10:26:25 GMT -5
Thank you for the thorough review, Psycho! Overall I felt this was a charming piece. I really like how you used the yellow tuskaninny - I really am repulsed by tuskaninnies in general, and yellow ones even more, so this makes it a suitable choice for someone who wishes to be something more. I made it a point to use the Tuskaninny as they are rarely used in the Times. I actually think they're pretty cool, especially how the artist drew the one in the custom pic. Grammar is not my strength and writing this story had me completely confused grammatically. Also, I'm a terrible editor. I believe I changed some things were initially correct. (Maybe I shouldn't bother editing... ) To be honest, I've never heard of some of these grammar things (subjunctive tense?). So thanks for the grammar lesson and the link. If I take up anything else that is grammatically challenging I'll know to come here. |
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Post by Violin on Nov 4, 2006 10:32:27 GMT -5
Chronicles of the Court Rogue: Instincts - Part Two
I'm really starting to like this series! I don't know why I haven't read the others through yet. The characters are interesting, the descriptions are well done. Danner is starting to become my favorite character. I just like his personality. I can't wait to see what happens to Jeran in the upcoming parts!
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Post by Psycho on Nov 4, 2006 10:36:49 GMT -5
Thank you for the thorough review, Psycho! Overall I felt this was a charming piece. I really like how you used the yellow tuskaninny - I really am repulsed by tuskaninnies in general, and yellow ones even more, so this makes it a suitable choice for someone who wishes to be something more. I made it a point to use the Tuskaninny as they are rarely used in the Times. I actually think they're pretty cool, especially how the artist drew the one in the custom pic. Grammar is not my strength and writing this story had me completely confused grammatically. Also, I'm a terrible editor. I believe I changed some things were initially correct. (Maybe I shouldn't bother editing... ) To be honest, I've never heard of some of these grammar things (subjunctive tense?). So thanks for the grammar lesson and the link. If I take up anything else that is grammatically challenging I'll know to come here. There are a lot of stronger writers than I, here, and many of them will check the "Work Reviews and Advice" board if you ever have any questions. |
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2006 13:17:52 GMT -5
I shall begin with comics, and I shall hopefully get to the articles, returning seres, and short stories later today. ^_^
CURSES! Commet just got in a draw, when he should have won, because the Battledome is so lagging! *Grr*
Moving on... *sheepishly...*
Atomic Wedgie Script by patjade by aiyakhiori
I really didn't understand this, but the art was amazing! I could stare at it for hours! This mix of pencil lines and the fade behind it is awesomely pleasing to the eyes. ^_^
Stuck in the Neopet House by spotthechelsey
This had a nice joke, and the art was pretty awesome. ^_^ Good job!
Spooky by ghostkomorichu
This was great! It was a really nice joke, and the art wa,s again, flawless! Lovely job! ^_^
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Post by Nimras on Nov 4, 2006 16:01:26 GMT -5
I feel loved... ;D CCR Instincts "...such a morning made it hard to believe that there was anything evil in the world." Wow, that's a powerful line. ^^ Other than that, this part was pretty good. It moved rather quickly at the end, which I think might've fit better as the beginning of Part 3. Nevertheless, I liked the idea of this series. It'll be interesting to see what you have in store for our favorite Lupe Knight Werelupe. XD Excited for next week. At first your 'other than that' meant you were being sarcastic. I'm all, "What? What's wrong with that?" Chapter 3's opening I set up kind of carefully, so I had to cram the idea that a couple weeks had passed at the end of chapter two. I actually wrote it long before I started the rest of the series because I wanted to do something very specific with Danner...  It was one of those "I have to fit three paragraphs somewhere between the end of two and the beginning of three" things. I need a chapter 2.5! That, and I was just dying to throw in a Lupe/Chia joke. CHRONICLES OF A COURT ROGUE PART 2 - NIMRAS I agree with Dan - I love "...such a morning made it hard to believe that there was anything evil in the world." The werelupe took me by surprise. I gasped a little. Jeran got bitten! 0_0! I have to stop typing now so I can figure out what happens next... My thoughts exactly! Well, doing anything other than deliberately provoking the werelupe is equivalent, in my mind, to "just standing around", so I'm a little confused about why a werelupe would have attacked, out of the blue. I thought they were in the middle of the Lord's field? Ohhh. Nevermind then! I ought to finish reading, then, I suppose, before I make any additional comments. I am really enjoying the way you've incorporated werelupes into this story, Nim. While I want to know what Jeran is going to do or how Jeran is going to react, I kind of wish you had ended this part with a cliffhanger. The ending wasn't terrible, but I didn't think it did this part justice. It's always refreshing, however, to see your portrayal of Jeran. Getting Jeran bitten! The ideal hero is introduced to his species biggest flaw. Looking forward to next week Psycho, your review cracked me up. It's almost like watching you have a conversation with my story or something... It's beautiful. Really. ^^ And you all are right with the ending on this chapter, in my mind it's really the worst of the series... Five is probably my favorite. *killed by everyone for evil suspense* Chronicles of the Court Rogue: Instincts - Part TwoI'm really starting to like this series! I don't know why I haven't read the others through yet. The characters are interesting, the descriptions are well done. Danner is starting to become my favorite character. I just like his personality. I can't wait to see what happens to Jeran in the upcoming parts! Horray for Danner love! Out of all my series, this is the one where Danner gets to actually 'do' the most. I'm playing with the idea of letting him have a story all from his point of view... someday. Okay, I have time for a review: Needed Adventure: Part Elevenby tdyans It’s nice that this one opens up back at the junkyard to give us some assurances that the pets Ezno sent there actually made it safely, and that his parents are still healthy and worrying about him. It gives a good touch back to base to remind you the whole point from the beginning. The longer this story gets, the more Ezno reminds me of my puppy Keebler. It’s not that he’s stupid; it’s just that he’s so happy when he’s stupid. Hee! I love how Whooter’s showing effects of being locked up all winter too. I like how you’ve portrayed the wild pets. They’re different, and ‘uncivilized’, but they’re still people. They just have their own special way of showing affection. |
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Post by Lau on Nov 4, 2006 17:48:52 GMT -5
Everyone Has a Name: Part One
by dark_goddess_rising
Wow, what an interesting concept for a series! It is rare to see humans as characters within stories, and the whole idea reminds me oddly of an RPG of some sort. I think it's cool, though, how you convert some standard pages that everyone has to get through while introducing themsevles into Neopia into a feasible happening in the real world. A huge vortex that people pop through! I like it.
Writingwise, it was coherent and well-paced. There was a bit of a tense-switch in the beginning, but it didn't happen again. I wonder how many parts there will be total? And it'll be interesting to see what pet Demon (you!) choose and what adventures you go on. I wonder if you will have your character in the series choose the same pets you selected in real life, or if this is a twist from reality. It'll be interesting to see! Engaging first part.
If...
by violinoutoftune
The really beautiful thing about this story is how it captures the power of the imagination. Every single paragraph you wrote on there is a potential short story -- I want to somehow go into Teddy's mind and tell him that that sort of stuff CAN be on the front page of the Times, without you having to have experienced it at all!
The complaint I have about the piece is the ending. I think it would have been more powerful and poignant without the PS section. Leaving it at Teddy (something amazing!) would have been enough in my opinion. The add-on made the entire theme a bit more cliche and undid the flow and effect a little bit.
Other than that... good story, nice idea. I wonder if maybe we'll be seeing more short stories, this time written with all of the ideas Teddy had about him and his friend written by "Teddy?"
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Post by Tashni on Nov 4, 2006 22:13:18 GMT -5
CCR: Instincts by Nimras -
*gasp* BRILLIANT!!!! You had BETTER play this out, Nim, or I will be bitterly disappointed. I'd have a mind to write fanfanfiction. ;P
Awwww, HIS Lupess. *shipper grin*
I'm getting the title!
Oh, my, Nimras! This is shaping up to be by far the best CCR ever! Um... I'm going to go see if the preview for week 265 it up yet. ^_^"
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2006 23:07:28 GMT -5
Needed Adventure: Part Eleven by tdyans
An interesting start; I find it's always nice to see the story from a different angle every once in a while. I must admit, though, I had been expecting to see Enzo's name there, but I welcomed the change happily.
Seems like you were expecting to see Enzo's name there, too. ^_^
I seem to think that was probably meant to be Tessa as well...
Tdyans, this was another great part, though it did feel a bit shorter than the others, i think. Nevertheless, it was awesome and I really enjoyed reading it.
Just thinking about how next week is the last part saddens me, though...
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Post by Deleted on Nov 4, 2006 23:23:31 GMT -5
If... by violinoutoftuneThis was a really cute story. I really liked reading it, and I really think that Teddy and Tibby are pretty good friends. (It's almost a bit sad that Tibby couldn't say anything in the story.) It was also mechanically sound, and that was nice. I noticed that you often used "was" when you should have said "were" (as in "I wish I were," as opposed to "I wish I was"), though you kept it fairly consistent, so it seemed to me that it fit well with Teddy's character. God job. I had fun reading this. (It has a great moral, too. ^_^ ) I've got to retire for the night, yet I shall do my last review tomorrow!
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And it's also a bit off that the Wocky at the end would react like that. I know if I were a top researcher and wasn't around, people wouldn't say I was missing. I think you just needed something to make it more plausible that she's gone missing and not just...out. XD Do you understand what I'm trying to say?
neo username - dan4884 
); I noticed that you wrote "If parades WERE held in my honor...", which is correct.
It was one of those "I have to fit three paragraphs somewhere between the end of two and the beginning of three" things. I need a chapter 2.5! That, and I was just dying to throw in a Lupe/Chia joke. 
