263 Reviews

[Psycho]

evilhamster13 said:

The Scaredy Yurble

Awww that was a sad story. but setting aside my opinions on sad stories in general, it was pretty good, It was well-written and the imagery was nice, although I can't say anything about how surprising the ending was because I accidentally read some of the reviews, so I knew what was going to happen 0-0;

Thanks.

AN OCTOBER HOLIDAY

Uhhh I'm a little bewildered after having read that. A little confused too, actually.

The things I liked:
Your portrayal of Gilly. I thought that was the most amusing part of the story.
The light-hearted tone.

Your interjections, as the author and speaker, were distracting. They kind of annoyed me because, rather than being amusing, they simply interrupted the story - and I wanted to keep reading. The fact that you have to even ask such questions (those supposedly asked by the listeners of the story) shows that you have a couple plot holes here and there - I wouldn't have noticed them had the questions not drawn any attention to them.
Be sure to go over the usage of "whom" vs "who". There was a sentence there that I didn't think was quite right.
Also, little errors like:

"Oooh, Mister Thade, I'm, like, such a bit fan of yours! Could you, like, give me your autograph?

where "bit" should have been "big"
You used what I consider "big words" or sophisticated vocabulary in a simplistic story told by one Neopet to his friends. Didn't think that matched the tone of the story. Words like "gargantuan," "scintillating," etc.
I was overall really confused. Maybe I didn't read carefully enough, but it is my opinion that pieces ought to be easier to follow. Too much happened and I didn't see a whole lot of tying-together. Granted, yes, all of the characters met up at one point or another, but for the most part they were kept separate.

How did SJ know Rohnan's name? I reread that section over and over again and I saw no instance where SJ may have overheard it. I'm also a little confused about character motive - why did they not use their real names (same scene)?

Maybe I ought to have read your story more carefully, but from my perspective it wasn't easy for me to read.

I did like what you had written about Thade here:

Eliv seated himself in his favorite squishy armchair and thumbed through a book of anagrams - one of those, in fact, that he'd written himself. Of course, scrambled words weren't nearly as fun anymore with all these people constantly showing up at his house and demanding to be given some to solve. It had to do with some trendy thing called an 'avatar', apparently.

And then there was the media touting that 'driven mad by an unsolvable riddle' story. Anyone who paused to think would realize that tale to be complete and utter nonsense. Sadly, the fact of the matter is that many people today do not think very much at all.

but I don't like how simple and not-evil he seemed. Thade seemed no different than any other character in the story. He was almost ridiculous in the beginning, then almost evil, then back to being normal.

And I did like the "voices in the bag" scene. What's with the coin?

Overall, good job.

[Nimras]

Halloween Marathon
by dreagoddess and schefflera

*grin* I don’t really have anything to say that I didn’t say when I read it before you submitted it… I still love this story! It’s a nice change from the ‘and get as much candy as we can!’ plot lines.

Well, that wasn’t really a review… So I’ll do Kat’s too. (Happy Blub? )

Never Too Old for Halloween
by precious_katuch14

Awww, it’s tough when kids want to have fun, but also want to be seen as all grown up. For some reason a lot of them think they can’t just chill out and goof off for a bit without being instantly smacked down with the ‘little kid’ label. Poor Sweet seems to be one of them.

"I don't know how to say it," he said slowly, "but... I think I'm already becoming too old for Halloween."

It may be just me, but the ‘already’ seems a bit… redundant. And the next paragraph stuck me as a little odd as well.

For a moment Kat raised her eyebrows slightly, as though she didn't believe him, as though she thought Sweet was just pulling her leg. But if she had anything to say about it, she kept her mouth shut.

To me, this reads as if it’s from Sweet’s point of view -- but we’ve already established that it’s more from your (Kat’s) point of view. Right after this paragraph, it goes back into the same style as the rest of the story.

It seems like Sweet’s got a good head on his shoulders though, and will get over his attempts to be ‘old’ sooner or later. I really like how you made him want to still be involved -- just not in a little kid kind of way.

…Now I want candy.

[Nimras]

Hubrid's Halloween
by mygoodguild

Awww, poor little Jaclyn. I can completely understand her motivations in this story.

And I’m cruel, because I wanted to cheer when she stole her brother’s big bags of candy.

About the only thing that made me go ‘eh?’ in this story was that she didn’t know a spooky house within easy walking distance was Hubrid’s. You’d think that would be kind of common knowledge in the town.

I love Hubrid’s thinking that Jaclyn was ‘ruining his image’ because she was dressed as him for Halloween.

[Nimras]

Hide and Seek
by velveteen Also by tnumfive

*laughs* Way to go Okitaya!

About the only thing I’d have done differently was taking her ghost story and splitting it into a couple different paragraphs. It’s easier to control the pacing of the story that way -- and gives it more dramatic pauses. Okitaya’s not going to just ramble off the whole thing, she’s going to pause and add to the suspense.

Maybe something like…

"Looking up and out of the window she saw a group of the others in the garden below searching under bushes and behind trees as they helped the Seeker find the remaining hiding children. She would have the best hiding place, though. They'd never find her, she swore.

It was then that she noticed a small old door hidden behind a suit of armour. It was made of wood, unpolished and dusty, with a large rough keyhole set in to it with a wrought iron handle set above. She touched the wood and recoiled quickly as she caught a splinter in her skin. In the distance, downstairs, she could hear the other children entering the house, searching for her. She didn't have much time! She could already hear them on the stairs. Without thinking, she opened the door and threw herself inside letting it close behind her with a quiet click.

Hours passed as she scrabbled at the door, frantically tugged at the handle to try and get out. The other children searched and searched, but the girl was never, ever, found.

They say her spirit still haunts these walls, rattling the door handle, waiting for someone to find her."


See how that emphases the 'scary' parts? Also, something I've noticed is that people tend to skim long paragraphs. If you break them up, they'll happily read something that is the exact same words, but if you leave it in one big chunk, they say it's too wordy.

I love the description in the beginning where she’s walking down the spooky hallway. The title kind of gives away that it’s just the game hide and seek, but it set the setting for her ghost story later really well.

[Nimras]

The Scaredy Yurble
by phsycoticdancer Also by undeadfortune

A little black spardel emerged from the darkness and watched the Yurble disappear into the sands. His little drooping tongue was becoming caked with sand but he didn't seem to mind - his eyes, only a little, began to water, as he came to realize that his new friend and companion did not want to play.

I’m a horrible person -- I read this and cracked up until tears came to my eyes. All that, and it was some little black petpet who probably just wanted ear scratches or something similar.

I am a little confused about what happened to his family. One paragraph they were there and the next they weren’t. Did they leave?

At least the farmer still had his family of Yurbles, who lived with him on his farm in a large wooden house.

A farmer nurtures his family and his field in much the same way - he watches them rise to meet the sun every morning, and he watches them sleep beneath the starry sky. He feeds them and he sings to them.

They say, "A farmer's land is his heart."

This farmer watched his farm, his field, his heart - he watched them wilt beneath an unmerciful sun, and helplessly he lived, unable to provide relief from the terrible sandstorms that continued to plague his land. But still he remained. A farmer must always remain close to his heart. Now he lived alone.

Maybe tossing in a sentence like, “But not all ties to the heart are so strong; and like his neighbors, his family sought out more fertile land too, but still he remained…”

I like your descriptions of Fear, and how everyone’s is different. It almost gives the feeling of a boggart or something -- it takes a different form for each person. I also like how the slow falling apart/wearing down of the house parallels his sanity as he slowly looses his mind to this Fear.

[Nimras]

Trick-or-Scream!
by blubblub317

Ohh, very spooky.

all eager to fill their bags to the rim with candy.

Was this supposed to be ‘to the brim’? Rim makes me think of wheels…

Leyla nodded and the pair ran past the group of 'attention-seeking' pets, who were carelessly picking their noses and laughing hysterically at this astounding feat. It was obvious that they were on the path to a very bright social life.

*snickers* It’s funny because it’s true.

Although at first glance it has some resemblance to Dan’s story about mirrors in ...was it the last issue? Or the one before that? …they’re actually very different stories at a second glance. (That and I know you probably had this one done before Dan’s was published.) Evil scary creepy old Elephante guy… The last line is perfect. ^^

[Psycho]

nimras23 said:

The Scaredy Yurble
by phsycoticdancer Also by undeadfortune

A little black spardel emerged from the darkness and watched the Yurble disappear into the sands. His little drooping tongue was becoming caked with sand but he didn't seem to mind - his eyes, only a little, began to water, as he came to realize that his new friend and companion did not want to play.

I’m a horrible person -- I read this and cracked up until tears came to my eyes. All that, and it was some little black petpet who probably just wanted ear scratches or something similar.

I am a little confused about what happened to his family. One paragraph they were there and the next they weren’t. Did they leave?

At least the farmer still had his family of Yurbles, who lived with him on his farm in a large wooden house.

A farmer nurtures his family and his field in much the same way - he watches them rise to meet the sun every morning, and he watches them sleep beneath the starry sky. He feeds them and he sings to them.

They say, "A farmer's land is his heart."

This farmer watched his farm, his field, his heart - he watched them wilt beneath an unmerciful sun, and helplessly he lived, unable to provide relief from the terrible sandstorms that continued to plague his land. But still he remained. A farmer must always remain close to his heart. Now he lived alone.

Maybe tossing in a sentence like, “But not all ties to the heart are so strong; and like his neighbors, his family sought out more fertile land too, but still he remained…”

I like your descriptions of Fear, and how everyone’s is different. It almost gives the feeling of a boggart or something -- it takes a different form for each person. I also like how the slow falling apart/wearing down of the house parallels his sanity as he slowly looses his mind to this Fear.

Thanks for the review, Nim!

In the original version, the family died as a result of the sandstorm-induced famine:

They say, "A farmer's land is his heart."

This farmer watched his family, his field, his heart - he watched them wilt beneath an unmerciful sun, and helplessly he lived, unable to provide relief from the terrible sandstorms that continued to plague his land. But still he remained. A farmer must always remain close to his heart. Now he lived alone. His family and his plants had all left him; he alone bore the burden of living.

We omitted the part about death, but had forgotten to clean up the rest to make it more clear to the reader. In a way I don't regret leaving that question because sometimes not everything should be spelled out to the reader. The family plays a minor role in the story, anyway.

Thanks again!

PS - I AM SOOO GLAD you appreciated the little twist at the end It was just that sort of ridiculous reaction we wanted, or at least, I wanted YES after ALL THAT it was JUST a silly little spardel.

PPS - OMG you caught the parallelism!!! This makes all of the work we put into it TOTALLY WORTH IT - THANK YOU!

[Dan]

nimras23 said:

Trick-or-Scream!
by blubblub317

Ohh, very spooky.

all eager to fill their bags to the rim with candy.

Was this supposed to be ‘to the brim’? Rim makes me think of wheels…

Leyla nodded and the pair ran past the group of 'attention-seeking' pets, who were carelessly picking their noses and laughing hysterically at this astounding feat. It was obvious that they were on the path to a very bright social life.

*snickers* It’s funny because it’s true.

Although at first glance it has some resemblance to Dan’s story about mirrors in ...was it the last issue? Or the one before that? …they’re actually very different stories at a second glance. (That and I know you probably had this one done before Dan’s was published.) Evil scary creepy old Elephante guy… The last line is perfect. ^^

Although that can be said about the resemblance between our stories, note that Fj0rd had a story, "Captain of the Ship" published a while back. The idea's the same, however, it's been written in different ways. ^^

[Ebil]

phsycoticdancer said:

evilhamster13 said:

The Scaredy Yurble

Awww that was a sad story. but setting aside my opinions on sad stories in general, it was pretty good, It was well-written and the imagery was nice, although I can't say anything about how surprising the ending was because I accidentally read some of the reviews, so I knew what was going to happen 0-0;

Thanks.

AN OCTOBER HOLIDAY

Uhhh I'm a little bewildered after having read that. A little confused too, actually.

The things I liked:
Your portrayal of Gilly. I thought that was the most amusing part of the story.
The light-hearted tone.

Your interjections, as the author and speaker, were distracting. They kind of annoyed me because, rather than being amusing, they simply interrupted the story - and I wanted to keep reading. The fact that you have to even ask such questions (those supposedly asked by the listeners of the story) shows that you have a couple plot holes here and there - I wouldn't have noticed them had the questions not drawn any attention to them.
Be sure to go over the usage of "whom" vs "who". There was a sentence there that I didn't think was quite right.
Also, little errors like:

where "bit" should have been "big"
You used what I consider "big words" or sophisticated vocabulary in a simplistic story told by one Neopet to his friends. Didn't think that matched the tone of the story. Words like "gargantuan," "scintillating," etc.
I was overall really confused. Maybe I didn't read carefully enough, but it is my opinion that pieces ought to be easier to follow. Too much happened and I didn't see a whole lot of tying-together. Granted, yes, all of the characters met up at one point or another, but for the most part they were kept separate.

How did SJ know Rohnan's name? I reread that section over and over again and I saw no instance where SJ may have overheard it. I'm also a little confused about character motive - why did they not use their real names (same scene)?

Maybe I ought to have read your story more carefully, but from my perspective it wasn't easy for me to read.

I did like what you had written about Thade here:

Eliv seated himself in his favorite squishy armchair and thumbed through a book of anagrams - one of those, in fact, that he'd written himself. Of course, scrambled words weren't nearly as fun anymore with all these people constantly showing up at his house and demanding to be given some to solve. It had to do with some trendy thing called an 'avatar', apparently.

And then there was the media touting that 'driven mad by an unsolvable riddle' story. Anyone who paused to think would realize that tale to be complete and utter nonsense. Sadly, the fact of the matter is that many people today do not think very much at all.

but I don't like how simple and not-evil he seemed. Thade seemed no different than any other character in the story. He was almost ridiculous in the beginning, then almost evil, then back to being normal.

And I did like the "voices in the bag" scene. What's with the coin?

Overall, good job.

You hate it, don't you ;-;

right. so, yeah. taking it seriously this time around...

...i always write with the little random voice. it's sort of a tradition. i couldn't break it if i wanted to.

Eliv was supposed to be completely ridiculous throughout the whole entire story; enough people poke fun at sloth that I thought no one would mind if I used another villain. I was trying to make him seem somewhat bumbling. I don't know why you think he came across as evil... where was that again? The scenes that had him:

-the one in the beginning, where you said he seemed almost ridiculous, which was what I was going for.
-the library scene, with the media comment. how could he be evil in that one? i seem to recall him forgetting he was dead... o-0
-in the library, walking around while reading and getting fangirled by Lisa. And then getting stuffed into a bag. he didn't really do very much, did he...
-the bag scene. 'nuf said.
-the end, where he once again forgot he was dead, and then mentioned the crazy tourist lady.

i can't see any part where he acted evil.

SJ wasn't telling THAT story to Mellie. that was a narration from a third-person omniscient point of view (it was suposed to be omniscient, anyway... I don't think I included enough thoughts.) he did tell Mellie about the whole thing later, but I thought it was rather obvious that he wasn't telling the whole entire thing...whatever he said to her wasn't included in the article.

I use big words in real life too. I thought scintillating was a perfect word for Gilly's war cry because that's how it sounded in my head, high and scintillating... Lisa used gargantuan because she's a bit bombastic (oops... I think I did it again. but bombastic was just such a perfect word for her!) She alwayys tries to sound grand and stuff. 'bit' was just a typo, it happened because I was in a rush to finish it in time for the Halloween issue and I guess I didn't proofread enough 0-0;

Just to clarify, I think the very first thing SJ hears Lisa say is "I'm disappointed in you, Rohnan..." I would have elaborrated on the magic coin if i'd had more space, but i was getting really close to the limit, so i had to leve it hanging, which must have made it seem really random.

EDIT: and i missed the bit about names the first time...

Rohnan, well I'm not sure how clear this one was but he's basically a criminal-for-hire. So he doesn't use his real name very much so as not to leave a paper trail or clues for the police. Lisa used her real name though.

[Psycho]

I'm sorry you didn't like my review, Ebil. I also apologize if you think I was unfair in my criticism. I don't hate your piece, and I certainly am not capable of writing anything like it. Everything I wrote is a matter of opinion. It's not an attack on your ability as a writer or as a thinker. That was not my intent. I just have perceived your story differently than you may have intended.

[Nimras]

Bitten by Darkness
by nut862

Man, I had this review halfway written out, then had to leave for work. -_- And I come home to find that someone shut down my computer and didn’t save what I’d gotten down so far in the review. *goes off to throttle someone*

I love the gradual transformation in this story. How he goes from absolutely adoring and nearly worshiping the sunlight to the dark loving fiend… In easy to follow stages. *grin* I also like how you used his sister calling him to breakfast as a easy way of measuring time in the story. Sometimes it’s hard to tell whether it’s the next day -- or several weeks later in a story. And the foreshadowing with the excerpt from the story was nicely done.

[Nimras]

Ahnnilator's Guide to the Deserted Fairground
by cyneo_masters2


Very cute. *grin* ‘Travel Guide’ type articles are always fun.

That ride with the clown opening its mouth (real name unknown): I would go on it, I honestly would, but I have a fear of things that aren't named. Stop laughing at me like that.

*dies laughing* Here I was expecting a clown joke.

Test Your Strength: Well, you can try, but if you can't knock a coconut of a pole, you probably can't throw a mallet on a target, either.

…I think you mean ‘knock a coconut off a pole.’

I love the tips. Especially with the last one being utterly useless. *escapes to the lifeboat*

[Nimras]

Changes of Heart
by moonshadow711

She muttered something under her breath that resulted in reproachful glances from owners of young Neopets.

Hehehehe

I like reading the stories that try to explain Illusen and Jhudora’s rivalry. And the idea of the dark Faerie dressing up as Illusen cracks me up. And Illusen dressed up as the grim reaper (even though you don’t say that by name, just the description) is awesome.

I do wish you explained what the potion did… but that’s just me and my insatiable curiosity.

[Nimras]

An October Holiday
by evilhamster13

Sigh. Random voice person... please, just read the story

Aww man, you’re plagued by the annoying random voice in your head person too?

I’ll admit, there were times when I had to read a paragraph twice to completely follow what was happening, but that might be blamed on my brain-deadness from a long shift at work today.

Everyone in this story is insane. Except for maybe SJ -- he might still have some sanity left. The whole set up is completely ridiculous, but it still works. *grin* It reminds me a lot of Monty Python or something. ^^

[Nimras]

Halloween Hassles
by king_kino

"It's... it's Lord Kass and Count Von Roo! They're here to get me!" shrieked the Lenny. "Tryin' to get me to join your army, eh? Count Von Roo joining the forces of Kass to attack Meridell again? Well, for your information, I will be supporting Meridell all the way! Aha! What did you do with my house, eh? Can you answer that? Tryin' to make it all spooky like? There isn't any day where you like to make things all like that, you evil villains!"

The Lenny shrieked once more and slammed the door.

*snicker* That is just too priceless.

It took me a second to realize that the last two paragraphs were hours later after Gouder had gone to bed. Maybe sticking a **** or opening it with “Hours later…” would have made it a little clearer.

I love the imposters reactions when their heads got ripped off. (Wow, it sounds a lot more dramatic when you put it that way. )