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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2006 15:27:11 GMT -5
Attack of the Slorgs: This is NOT a Game Guide
Cute idea. ^^ The first thing I notice is, although I know this article was just for fun, your point needs to be clearer and more sustained throughout the whole article. You from in the beginning saying how awful the game is because of the Slorg-destroying, to pointing out the resemblance to the Yurble Janitor and therefore the game is more evil, to, at the very end saying that you aren't suggesting to not play the game. You even put in parentheses "somewhat suprisingly." Well, yes, because that's what your whole article has been leading up to. If you wanted to point out the dangers of the Yurble Foreman, you should have written the article about that and not about the Slorgs at all. If you really think (or wanted to make it sound like you think) that Attack of the Slorgs is bad news (which is what you open your whole article up with), you should have kept that point consistent and not recommended to play it in moderation at the end. Also, to keep the consistency, I would have recommended cutting down the Yurble's role in the "Characters" section and adding some more about the Slorgs.
I like your complaint about the weapon, although I don't think it fits with your argument. It was clever to try to find some other things he could use like a pitchfork or a sling shot.
I think a lot of farmers would stock a slorg-destroying machine if they were having problems with Slorgs eating their crops. But I like the point about having to put them in groups of three before destroying them. I would have gone more indepth about that to prove the point of the article.
The beginning of the article is good. "Deceptively nice" is good word choice and makes the reader want to know what you think is so deceptive about it.
The note is all right; it doesn't overdo it. It lets your reader know that you aren't really serious. But the "(*cough* Did you mention that one you stepped on by accident yesterday? No. Why not? Because that would ruin the whole point of my story.)" kind of ruins the article, in my opinion. I would have ended with the note and left the parentheses out for a clearer ending. Plus, it would have given the reader more insight into what you were doing.
I know I've said a lot, but keep in mind that I'm only pointing out things so you can work on them and hopefully grow as a writer. I hope I see more from you in the future--your writing style is very original and conversational and it flows well. And, apparently, your good at coming up with ideas. I think you just tried to cover too many of them in one article.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2006 15:54:23 GMT -5
Making Its Mark
I really like how you showed your morning, including all the things about the Neopian Times that you dealt with. Of course, I had a feeling that I knew where it was leading, but that's all right.
It was a little different how you focused more on the items that the Neopian Times has influenced. I don't know about others, but I don't think about that on a day-to-day basis, so it was interesting to have some of them laid out for me to remember. And I appreciated how you even thought of the day that was dedicated to the Neopian Times and the Advent Calendar gifts/animation.
I love the last paragraph before the last sentence. "The Neopian Times offers confidence, patience, respect, and assurance. Unrelated to the direct points already brought up, this newspaper also embraces ingenuity, intelligence, courtesy, and commitment." Aww, I'm all teary-eyed just from reading it again.
This article was a real dedication to the Neopian Times and everything it is. The only thing I have to say in the way of criticism is I thought the introduction to actual point of your article ratio was a little heavy toward the intro. Somehow it wasn't bothersome, though, because of the way it blended into the body of your argument.
The last line brings up your intro again very subtly and ends your article well.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2006 16:10:48 GMT -5
Why the Haunted Woods Beat the Darigan Citadel
I admit I was a little worried about the Banner and Braintree excuses. Fortunately, you made up for that by twisting your article a completely different way. That made for a nice surprise, lack of not-so-fanmail calling you a bad sport, and a good way to account for your last two excuses.
Wh00t! Mystery Island is still the best in my book. n;)
You used a couple exclamation points in here and I never saw a need for one. Usually, exclamation points make things sound fake or superficially cheery. It's good to just stay away from them if you're not sure.
"Reason #5 that..." I don't know if you sent these in numbered (since they were bulleted in the Times), but it doesn't matter. Try to stay away from these kinds of beginnings to new points. It will put your reader to sleep. Transitions should be interesting and should lead to the next point. There were a couple other transitions that I thought needed some work, too.
I can tell you did your research and I liked how you ended with a congratulations and hope for your team next year.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2006 18:01:02 GMT -5
The Art of FishingThe article flowed well, was full of information, and covered everything about fishing (in Neopia, anyhow). And I got a visit from the traveling library while reading it! n:P Roffle! Not going to tell us how to taxidermy a fish, Tay?  The end part about drawing a fish was a little weird, but it worked since it played on your title. This seemed a little out of place. I think if you had changed "but" to "and," it would have fit a little better. And I have the same comment about the exclamation marks that was brought up before.  I love Ollie's name, Oliveleap.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2006 18:18:38 GMT -5
Influential Ideas
This was fun, Tdyans. I only started reading the NT about 10 months ago when I started wanting to write for it. I have no idea (since I've been on Neopets off an on since 2000 why I never thought of it before). But at any rate, I didn't know a lot of what this article discussed. I know you probably had to do a lot of research for just this much, but I would have loved for there to be more examples. I'm learning all new things today between Apollo's article and yours.
The ending is encouraging. "Who knows what the next influential idea will be? Perhaps it will come from you..." That is truly, in my opinion, in the spirit of the Neopian Times. A great piece for issue 250 for older members to look back and newer members to learn. And they gave you a picture of an Eyrie taxi. How funny. n:)
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2006 18:54:17 GMT -5
So Many Times
This story was so sad, and beautifully written. I have a question. Are the italics her thoughts and the regular text her letter? I guess it would make more sense that way. And if that's the way it is, that's a very unique and interesting way of writing the story. In that way, the letter is more than a letter; it's the story. I like that.
And it's touching how her hope that she can be forgiven gives her reason to continue to hope for her wings.
I don't think I have any criticism. Great job.
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Post by Tay - Sock Eater on Aug 2, 2006 22:04:16 GMT -5
The Art of FishingThe article flowed well, was full of information, and covered everything about fishing (in Neopia, anyhow). And I got a visit from the traveling library while reading it!  Roffle! Not going to tell us how to taxidermy a fish, Tay? The end part about drawing a fish was a little weird, but it worked since it played on your title. This seemed a little out of place. I think if you had changed "but" to "and," it would have fit a little better. And I have the same comment about the exclamation marks that was brought up before. I love Ollie's name, Oliveleap. Thanks for the review.  And thanks, about Oliveleap's name. xD When I was making it I thought of two random words, and then I put them together. Sort of weird, but it suits me {and Ollie}. =P |
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Post by troublems03 on Aug 2, 2006 22:45:13 GMT -5
Attack of the Slorgs: This is NOT a Game GuideCute idea. ^^ The first thing I notice is, although I know this article was just for fun, your point needs to be clearer and more sustained throughout the whole article. You from in the beginning saying how awful the game is because of the Slorg-destroying, to pointing out the resemblance to the Yurble Janitor and therefore the game is more evil, to, at the very end saying that you aren't suggesting to not play the game. You even put in parentheses "somewhat suprisingly." Well, yes, because that's what your whole article has been leading up to. If you wanted to point out the dangers of the Yurble Foreman, you should have written the article about that and not about the Slorgs at all. If you really think (or wanted to make it sound like you think) that Attack of the Slorgs is bad news (which is what you open your whole article up with), you should have kept that point consistent and not recommended to play it in moderation at the end. Also, to keep the consistency, I would have recommended cutting down the Yurble's role in the "Characters" section and adding some more about the Slorgs. I like your complaint about the weapon, although I don't think it fits with your argument. It was clever to try to find some other things he could use like a pitchfork or a sling shot. I think a lot of farmers would stock a slorg-destroying machine if they were having problems with Slorgs eating their crops. But I like the point about having to put them in groups of three before destroying them. I would have gone more indepth about that to prove the point of the article. The beginning of the article is good. "Deceptively nice" is good word choice and makes the reader want to know what you think is so deceptive about it. The note is all right; it doesn't overdo it. It lets your reader know that you aren't really serious. But the "(*cough* Did you mention that one you stepped on by accident yesterday? No. Why not? Because that would ruin the whole point of my story.)" kind of ruins the article, in my opinion. I would have ended with the note and left the parentheses out for a clearer ending. Plus, it would have given the reader more insight into what you were doing. I know I've said a lot, but keep in mind that I'm only pointing out things so you can work on them and hopefully grow as a writer. I hope I see more from you in the future--your writing style is very original and conversational and it flows well. And, apparently, your good at coming up with ideas. I think you just tried to cover too many of them in one article. Thank-you so much for your review, you brought up some great points. I'll definitely try to incorporate some of the things you have said into future articles and stories. Above all, thanks for the depth you went into in reviewing my article and pointing out where you thought I'd written well and where you thought I was contradicting myself and adding in too (many, many, many) many ideas! . For my next piece I'll try to tackle a few less ideas in one go  . |
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Post by Belle on Aug 3, 2006 4:22:44 GMT -5
I was planning on reviewing a lot more pieces but I keep getting sidetracked. Sorry about that. ^^; I really, really want to review, though, so I might be squeezing in some last-minute reviews (I just hope you guys will be able to catch 'em  ). A Bunch of Letters Again by ladyariel32That was pretty long but I liked it a lot. The letters were well written and even though I haven't read any of your other stuff yet (though I am plan to) I was able to understand it all. The images were great to break up the text, as there was a lot of that, and the letters themselves conveyed some great emotions. I look forward to reading more of your stuff! -- Any more reviews for my Attack of the Slorgs: this is NOT a Game Guide would be much appreciated Thank you. ^^ *gives watery muffin* I love Yannagiba and Isis and there probably will be a few more "Letters" short stories in the future (hehe...if my lazy butt isn't stuck in college, that is ). *megaglomps* Thanks again. I really appreciate this.  A real review! Yes! [glow=blue,2,300] A Bunch of Letters Again[/glow] Yay, a new Letters story! ^^ If this was the one you were worried about, Belle, it came out lovely. ^^ It's very sweet and the characters come across clearly. ^^ (For some reason I can't see the letter images that everyone else is talking about, which I'm a bit disappointed in. I have no idea why they're not displaying for me. It doesn't show a red X; there's just nothing there. o_0) One thing that I like about your Letters series is how you include other correspondence besides the letters between the two main characters, and still make it pertain to the story without confusing everything. :3 Starting off the story with the letter from a prospective buyer for Isis's house was a good way to pull me into the story. It probably had something to do with the fact that I already knew the characters, so I was aware as I read it that it was Isis's house, but it gave me an instant sense of a problem that would of course have a resolution. First of all, NUUUUUT! ^^ Hehe...I know we've been PMing and everything but still. *megaglomps and gives you soggy muffin* Thank you. ^^ I was wondering, actually, if the letter from Sarah was unnecessary but I left it in, anyway. I'm glad you liked it. About the letter images not appearing on your browser, though. Are you using IE by any chance? I'm using Mozilla but I tried viewing my story in my IE 6 and I can't see the images either. I'm going to try and ask Droplet about it. Whoo, she's threatening. XD You don't know how tempted I was to say "you're going to get your account frozen by doing this, y'know". Isis's first letter to Yannagiba was touching and full of believable emotions. You can sense her anger and sorrow in comparison with Yannagiba's calm and, towards the end, somewhat wistful letter. (You like the name Currant for Zomutts, don't you? XD) I see Yannagiba's serious side coming out in this newfound desire to be a Times author. (I don't suppose this means we'll be seeing a real piece by him to follow the tradition of Yuki and Ashi? ^^) Thanks again. ^^ I'm glad a lot of people think Yannagiba and Isis are such believable characters. Yannagiba is supposed to be much more mature now than when he was a Gelert. But, he's still got his playful streak.  Yannagiba probably won't be "writing" any NT pieces like Yuki and Ashi have but we'll see. ^^ It's so easy to forget, isn't it? ... Excuse me, Belle, I'm agreeing with Isis. XD The ending was very sweet. Isis's wish to return home was expected, but you put across her feelings in a very real way. And I loved Yannagiba's choice of subject matter for his story; it tied everything in nicely, not to mention being really sweet. ^^ If there was one thing I would've wanted more of here, I think I would've liked to see some of Icy's character... but perhaps that's just me being impatient. xD After all, this was more a story between Re and Isis. I'm planning something different for the next "Letters" story. Icy will play a much bigger role then and a new character will be making her appearance. ^^ In all, you did a lovely job with this story. ^^ It's sweet, believable, and nicely written. Excellent work, Belle. ^^ *megaglomps* Thank you for the in-depth review, Nut. I've missed this. *loves you so much* Reminds me of how I used to in-depth reviews, too. ^^ And reminds me to post at the NTAG. Belle's conscience: Review...review...review...! |
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Post by Nut on Aug 3, 2006 6:21:10 GMT -5
First of all, NUUUUUT! ^^ Hehe...I know we've been PMing and everything but still. *megaglomps and gives you soggy muffin* Yum, soggy muffin. ^^ *ultraglomps back* Yeah, I guess you can tell when I'm really back when I get onto this board and start doing reviews again. ^^ Thank you. ^^ I was wondering, actually, if the letter from Sarah was unnecessary but I left it in, anyway. I'm glad you liked it. About the letter images not appearing on your browser, though. Are you using IE by any chance? I'm using Mozilla but I tried viewing my story in my IE 6 and I can't see the images either. I'm going to try and ask Droplet about it. Do; I'd like to see the pictures. And, yes, I'm using IE. :3 I always use IE. IE and I go way back. I've used IE for years. And I'm firmly cemented in my old habits. XD You don't know how tempted I was to say "you're going to get your account frozen by doing this, y'know". Roffle! That might've gotten TNT riled. XD Thanks again. ^^ I'm glad a lot of people think Yannagiba and Isis are such believable characters. Yannagiba is supposed to be much more mature now than when he was a Gelert. But, he's still got his playful streak. I can see he is a lot more mature now. He's had experiences. (N00bmail does tend to harden you to certain kinds of playfulness. ) [/IMG] Yannagiba probably won't be "writing" any NT pieces like Yuki and Ashi have but we'll see. ^^ [/quote] I'll keep hoping, then. XD I'm planning something different for the next "Letters" story. Icy will play a much bigger role then and a new character will be making her appearance. ^^ Ooh. So there's another one in the works already? :3 I can't wait to see it. ^^ In all, you did a lovely job with this story. ^^ It's sweet, believable, and nicely written. Excellent work, Belle. ^^ *megaglomps* Thank you for the in-depth review, Nut. I've missed this. *loves you so much* You're welcome. ^^ *ultrawateryglomps* Reminds me of how I used to in-depth reviews, too. ^^ And reminds me to post at the NTAG. Belle's conscience: Review...review...review...! *leans down and whispers to Belle's conscience* *straightens up* Belle's conscience: Review... post at NTAG... review... post at NTAG...! |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2006 10:21:00 GMT -5
Patience
I could not deal with someone calling me grasshopper like that. Anyhow, I liked this story, especially for a second-time publication. I think you may have said "one with the wind" or a variation on that too many times at the beginning. Also, the dedicated student that Kenneth seems to be later on in the story is not evident at the beginning. He seems to not want to do any of the work. It's not glaring, but it's something I would have tweaked a bit.
The way everyone talks in here gets me. Even the other student, the Techo speaks in that strange way. It wouldn't bother me so much if just the Ixi did, but the Techo should have had her own voice, even if she only had one line. Except maybe for the Ixi, it sounds fake.
I'm sure you notice there's two hads in there that don't belong. Also, I think the sentence would have gone much more smoothly if you had said, "The young Blumaroo had been staring with wide eyes at the Techo, but instantly..." You don't need the second had because the reader already understands that this happened in the past.
Overall, I thought Kenneth's side of the dialogue was very real and the Ixi really seemed like a old, patient mentor. This kind of story has been done tons of times, but you put a new spin on it with Whack-A-Kass. The last line adds some humor to an otherwise serious story.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2006 12:19:40 GMT -5
Unnatural Beauty
I always have trouble coming up with interests for characters in Neopia. I just feel kind of limited. I guess Ohndig shows me I'm not. n;)
Let me first say your description of the Ghost Whoot at the beginning was beautiful.
Prikkela certainly isn't very nice. Why does he live with his aunt? Unfortunate, whatever the reason. I have another, more pressing question. Why does she send him to Miss Azide? Because she's learned? Or because of his obsession with birds? And it's very confusing to me why she sent him to a pet that she regards so highly in his pajamas. Unless he's dreaming the whole thing.
The White Weewoos all coming up out of the snow reminds me of a certain user's avatar. n:) I like your portrayal of how the Weewoos moved to their new home at the Neopian Times HQ. The ending is sweet. "But I'll come back. Soon. I'll come back with something to give."
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Post by velveteen on Aug 3, 2006 16:44:10 GMT -5
ee! I've been away and unable to get online. Many, many thanks to tashni, tay, pam, writingwolf, rose and star for the Penny Dreadful reviews! Any comments are sooo appreciated, thankyouthankyou *bow*
writingwolf: yeah, i agree, the kyrii did end up kind of looking like someone had just jabbed him from behind with a large and painful needle but I'm really not very good at drawing and was the best I could do.
tashni: ee. I drew the bori and immediately rather fell in love with him. Then I figured that was really wrong and slightly disturbing.
I must attept reviews soon. I feel awful getting them and giving nothing back right now.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2006 17:13:21 GMT -5
Thanks, Luau, for the great review. ^_^ Shina's distinct personality would have been more evident had she had more than two lines, but since she spoke so little...well, I guess her style did seem a bit too much like Yasuo's...  As for that second had... I HATE WHEN THEY SLIP PAST! *takes deep breath* Okay, I'm calm now. A lot of the "be one with the wind" restating was simply because *looks around nervously* I needed a few more words to reach the minimum word count. Though, I figured, in his concentration, that wouldn't be too bad. And, yes, I knew from the beginning I would have that last line. ;D Thanks again. |
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Post by hmlanden on Aug 3, 2006 21:06:49 GMT -5
So Many Times by hmlanden Aww this was wonderful! It reminds me of one my old stories in a similar format but I have to say yours was much better. It was completely flawless. There wasn't even a typo or punctuation mistake! You described everything perfectly and I didn't once get bored - it kept me gripped the whole way through. I'm glad it wasn't too long or too short either. A really nice story. ....Wow. Thanks. *gapes at Star* You really liked it that much? So Many TimesThis story was so sad, and beautifully written. I have a question. Are the italics her thoughts and the regular text her letter? I guess it would make more sense that way. And if that's the way it is, that's a very unique and interesting way of writing the story. In that way, the letter is more than a letter; it's the story. I like that. And it's touching how her hope that she can be forgiven gives her reason to continue to hope for her wings. I don't think I have any criticism. Great job. Yeah, the italics are her thoughts. I was hoping people would catch that. *blushes again* I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for the reviews, both of you! |
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