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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2006 19:24:53 GMT -5
ReflectionsReally? I didn't notice any spelling mistakes. And the only grammar mistakes I saw are places where it wasn't necessarily wrong, I just would have done it differently. Except one. When you do something like this, it's no spaces, two dashes -- Usually word will make that one long dash for you.  This story was superb. I don't know if you did it on purpose, but your word choice conveyed the mood extremely well. I'm a little confused as to what exactly happened back at the palace, but I guess I know what I need to. Very original, haunting, and beautiful. 
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2006 22:22:48 GMT -5
The Lost Knight
Like someone else said, there's a lot in here that I would have phrased differently. Let me see if I can find specific examples to help you.
This goes from talking about one new villain to "they." Now, even if you meant they in the singular, a new member for what?
A lot of the dialogue in this story is not very realistic. "This is a mission and not a war. I won't kill anyone in this mission, so this is safe," I said coolly. "So get off me. I'm on a grand mission that many people had been fighting to get in." The "this is safe" part sounds too nonchalant for this statement in the first place and the statement itself sounds a little mechanical for being the way a real person would speak.
It was interesting that he got in by mentioning his friend who had lived there since she told him he had changed and it seems to the reader that he really has. But getting past Morguss with an amulet he happened to find was a little bit too much coincidence for me.
I like the ending quite a bit. He so wanted to be famous that he was willing to risk himself on this quest. And he got what he wanted, but not in the way he thought he would.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2006 22:57:38 GMT -5
Captain of the Ship
Ohmigosh. I knew it from the second you wrote: "'Sir,'" he said, and put his paw on the nearest peg of the ship's wheel."
Great title for this piece as well. Takes on a completely different meaning after you read the story.
And the end. Poor Quiggle.
OK, I think I'm over my shock. I really like how your dialogue seems to flow easily from the characters. The old pirate lupe sounds like a sea farer, while Jall sounds a little timid and unsure all the time. And, of course, the one time he does something gutsy that's what he gets.
You spaced out the timing just right so it would all lead to that moment. Then you had just enough at the very end to explain further and give the story its true end. Great job.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2006 23:24:47 GMT -5
The Health Food Crime
Very nice collab, you two! I don't think I saw anywhere where the voice changed dramatically from the switch in authors.
This line made me laugh: "'What? I most certainly will not!' Quinton protested. 'You'll have to drag me away from my own shop before I'll move!'
The Chia obliged."
Roffle!
Nurri was a nice touch. I think you could have done just a smidge more with Haai's worry. I kind of felt it with her, but not quite.
A few things at the end:
"Nurri rushed over and, without a word, quickly wiped up the dropped tomato. She then ran to the back of the store to get out of the way, so she didn't have to say anything to this upset Quiggle or her friend."
Her friend? She knows their relationship. Her uncle you mean? I was a bit confused. n:P
Also, Haai seems a little meaner at the end, which seems uncharacteristic for her. Nurri is the one who's compassionate now. There seems to be no reason for the exchange in character. I'd think she'd be willing to give her uncle a job, seeing as he was family. Or at least feel a little sorry for him. At least, that's how she was treating it just paragraphs before.
I would have left that line off completely.
Those are nitpicky things; I like this story a lot. The Health Food Store always seemed a little suspicious to me...
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2006 23:51:54 GMT -5
Talek's TaleAww, what a touching story. I just thought you had some loose strings to tie up. 1. You never mentioned until the end that Terrence's injuries made him physically unable to sword fight. You mentioned his emotional state. Or maybe that was what inhibits him from fighting? 2. You mentioned that Terrence never left the house afterward, but didn't mention the same of Talek until later when the Grarrl called him a hermit, which took me by surprise. The above two are nitpicky, but I just think it would have worked better to mention them earlier in the story. 3. It didn't take a whole lot of persuading for the king to change Talek's mind about something he'd been thinking about every day of his life for years. Although, I have to admit it kind of works because of the way he thinks about Terrence, since they'd never talked about it. So even though I think that scene could have used a little fleshing out, it works. How did Kelpbeard get that sword? Very mysterious... Terrence's injury was such a surprise, I leaned closer to read the story. Heh. And I thought he was dead for a minute and I felt tears well up in my eyes. The first scene is relatively short, but you did a good job defining the brothers' relationship in it. And, of course, that's the premise of the story.
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Post by Tyrannitar on Jul 19, 2006 1:04:04 GMT -5
Thanks for all the positive reviews on Sanity Obsolete guys! We should do another one, Ginz! More reviews would be appreciated. |
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Post by reinarita on Jul 19, 2006 9:04:24 GMT -5
The Health Food Crime Very nice collab, you two! I don't think I saw anywhere where the voice changed dramatically from the switch in authors. This line made me laugh: "'What? I most certainly will not!' Quinton protested. 'You'll have to drag me away from my own shop before I'll move!' The Chia obliged." Roffle! Nurri was a nice touch. I think you could have done just a smidge more with Haai's worry. I kind of felt it with her, but not quite. A few things at the end: "Nurri rushed over and, without a word, quickly wiped up the dropped tomato. She then ran to the back of the store to get out of the way, so she didn't have to say anything to this upset Quiggle or her friend." Her friend? She knows their relationship. Her uncle you mean? I was a bit confused.  Also, Haai seems a little meaner at the end, which seems uncharacteristic for her. Nurri is the one who's compassionate now. There seems to be no reason for the exchange in character. I'd think she'd be willing to give her uncle a job, seeing as he was family. Or at least feel a little sorry for him. At least, that's how she was treating it just paragraphs before. I would have left that line off completely. Those are nitpicky things; I like this story a lot. The Health Food Store always seemed a little suspicious to me... It's better if you're nitpicky, it makes us better writers. And I'm glad you liked that line, it was one of my favs too. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2006 9:37:05 GMT -5
Cheater, Cheater, Pumpkin Eater! by playmobil_is_my_lifeThis is an amazing article. Your details concerning the action were flawless and very easy to comprehend. Your ending, as well, it quite nice. But where's the pumpkin? I like pumpkin... Thank you for the review. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2006 9:44:54 GMT -5
*sigh* My last review for this week...  Encountering Resistance: Part One by moosuemAt first, I was finding this to be very hard to comprehend. Up until the third scene, I felt it quite hard to get what was being described, but after that, things seemed to fall into place as everything became cleaer. I happen to think I know who the spy is, though... Obviously, there is one person who seems to fit the mark... I won't say who, though. I love how you've progressed time. Your future is stunning, and very sinister. I got from the beginning that this likely took place in the future, but I think you could have better said that. I happened to love these lines: and They add some much-needed humor to the story. Good job. I look forward to the next part. *does happy dance* This is the first series I'm reading in the NT!
By the way... rebornluthia, I read "The Fallen Faerie" and it was amazing. I noticed some character similarities that also showed up in "The Lost Knight." I can't wait for "Haunted Warrior" to come out! |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2006 9:54:33 GMT -5
When you do something like this, it's no spaces, two dashes -- Usually word will make that one long dash for you. It can work two ways with dashes: | word--word or | word - word | Both work. What should be avoided is this: | word-word | Which gives us the idea of a single, hyphenated word. Of the two forms, the former is better suited and preferred, especially when abruptly cutting off dialogue, such as this: | "dialogue--" | instead of | "dialogue -" | It seems dashes tend to be confusing for everyone, so I hope this has helped. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2006 10:00:33 GMT -5
I tend to use ellipses (...) when I cut off dialogue, and then tell the reader how the dialogue was stoped, ie. "I don't..." "Yes!" he interrupted. Or "I think..." she trailed off looking thoughtful.
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Post by Yuka on Jul 19, 2006 10:49:43 GMT -5
ReflectionsReally? I didn't notice any spelling mistakes. And the only grammar mistakes I saw are places where it wasn't necessarily wrong, I just would have done it differently. Except one. When you do something like this, it's no spaces, two dashes -- Usually word will make that one long dash for you. This story was superb. I don't know if you did it on purpose, but your word choice conveyed the mood extremely well. I'm a little confused as to what exactly happened back at the palace, but I guess I know what I need to. Very original, haunting, and beautiful. Thanks for the review, Luau! <3 |
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Post by Dan on Jul 19, 2006 11:13:33 GMT -5
Talek's TaleAww, what a touching story. I just thought you had some loose strings to tie up. 1. You never mentioned until the end that Terrence's injuries made him physically unable to sword fight. You mentioned his emotional state. Or maybe that was what inhibits him from fighting? 2. You mentioned that Terrence never left the house afterward, but didn't mention the same of Talek until later when the Grarrl called him a hermit, which took me by surprise. The above two are nitpicky, but I just think it would have worked better to mention them earlier in the story. 3. It didn't take a whole lot of persuading for the king to change Talek's mind about something he'd been thinking about every day of his life for years. Although, I have to admit it kind of works because of the way he thinks about Terrence, since they'd never talked about it. So even though I think that scene could have used a little fleshing out, it works. How did Kelpbeard get that sword? Very mysterious... Terrence's injury was such a surprise, I leaned closer to read the story. Heh. And I thought he was dead for a minute and I felt tears well up in my eyes. The first scene is relatively short, but you did a good job defining the brothers' relationship in it. And, of course, that's the premise of the story. Thank you very much. We could've thought things through a little bit more, obviously. And a little tidbit of knowledge: Ginz and I wrote this in January and February, but it was rejected constantly because we origanally had Terrance die, and that was what prevented Talek from fighting. But we changed it, and it still worked out fine. ^^ Thanks again! |
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Post by Tashni on Jul 19, 2006 15:23:13 GMT -5
When you do something like this, it's no spaces, two dashes -- Usually word will make that one long dash for you. It can work two ways with dashes: | word--word or | word - word | Both work. What should be avoided is this: | word-word | Which gives us the idea of a single, hyphenated word. Of the two forms, the former is better suited and preferred, especially when abruptly cutting off dialogue, such as this: | "dialogue--" | instead of | "dialogue -" | It seems dashes tend to be confusing for everyone, so I hope this has helped. Actually, the "word - word" is incorrect. There should never be spaces. You can either use two hyphens "word--word" or an em dash "word—word." I tend to use ellipses (...) when I cut off dialogue, and then tell the reader how the dialogue was stoped, ie. "I don't..." "Yes!" he interrupted. Or "I think..." she trailed off looking thoughtful. When dialogue is cut off, you should use a dash. When you trail off, it should be an elipsis. |
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Post by Tay - Sock Eater on Jul 19, 2006 15:37:40 GMT -5
The Health Food Crime Very nice collab, you two! I don't think I saw anywhere where the voice changed dramatically from the switch in authors. This line made me laugh: "'What? I most certainly will not!' Quinton protested. 'You'll have to drag me away from my own shop before I'll move!' The Chia obliged." Roffle! Nurri was a nice touch. I think you could have done just a smidge more with Haai's worry. I kind of felt it with her, but not quite. A few things at the end: "Nurri rushed over and, without a word, quickly wiped up the dropped tomato. She then ran to the back of the store to get out of the way, so she didn't have to say anything to this upset Quiggle or her friend." Her friend? She knows their relationship. Her uncle you mean? I was a bit confused. Also, Haai seems a little meaner at the end, which seems uncharacteristic for her. Nurri is the one who's compassionate now. There seems to be no reason for the exchange in character. I'd think she'd be willing to give her uncle a job, seeing as he was family. Or at least feel a little sorry for him. At least, that's how she was treating it just paragraphs before. I would have left that line off completely. Those are nitpicky things; I like this story a lot. The Health Food Store always seemed a little suspicious to me... Thanks for the review. You're confusing me on part though. Nurri rushed over and, without a word, quickly wiped up the dropped tomato. She then ran to the back of the store to get out of the way, so she didn't have to say anything to this upset Quiggle or her friend. Her friend? She knows their relationship. Her uncle you mean? I was a bit confused. Nurri didn't want to say anything to the Quiggle or her friend. Not her uncle. Quinton is Haai's uncle, not Nurri's. So it's saying that Nurri didn't want to say anything to the upset Quiggle (Quinton) or Nurri's friend (Haai). Does that make sense? You confused me a little.  Thank you very much for the review! Like Rei said, it's good to be nitpicky. It's helpful. =) |
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neo username - dan4884 
