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Post by kaitlyn on Jul 17, 2006 16:35:51 GMT -5
The Little Giant by kaitlyn
Great first story, kaitlyn! I applaud you. I did notice a couple typos, but nothing that deserves penalty. For being only twelve, you are already a great writer! (I know I wasn't that good at twelve.)
I do (hehehe) notice a slight resemblance to the Stanley Cup match, with the rookie being made into the goal keeper. One thing I think could have been improved upon was the reason why Evrem was not liked. We understand very clearly that he isn't, but it's unclear exactly why he isn't. Ultimately, though, really great job!
Oh, and welcome to the NTWG!
-x-
Thank you. ^_^
Yeah, I caught a few typos as I read it today. I'll have to work on that. Grammar and spelling aren't my best, I hope to improve on that. =D
I had no idea about the Stanley Cup, nor have I actually ever heard of it. =) But thanks for the suggestions.
I'm looking to get 10 short stories or articles into the NT, I just need some ideas. Thanks again!
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Post by kaitlyn on Jul 17, 2006 16:36:56 GMT -5
People will rate when they get around it. It might not be a good idea to go around asking people. I'm sure someone will review yours as soon as they get a chance.
-x-
Sorry about that. Me and my impatient self. =P
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Post by Tay - Sock Eater on Jul 17, 2006 16:44:06 GMT -5
Yup, my first collab, Rei's second. ^_^ Thank you guys for the reviews! We really appreciate it, well, I know I do!  |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 17, 2006 17:02:44 GMT -5
Little GiantVery nice first story. ^^ A little cliche, but at least you didn't make them win at the end. Now for some criticism. Please take it with a grain of salt as I know it's sometimes hard to have your first piece critiqued. About 2/3 of the story is description of the game that Evrem wasn't even a part of. And it really didn't have much to do with the story because that's not how the main player hurt herself. I would have shortened that part a lot. This is really nitpicky, but it bothered me. The but seems out of place. I think the whole sentence would have been better without it. Dashes are really only for special use. You seem to have a thing for them (don't worry, I have a thing for semicolons). And when you use a dash, it's two lines -- and Word will usually make that one line for you. But in these two sentences, unless you changed the wording a bit, an extra word like in or a comma would have been much better suited. One day of rest? How do they know so quickly? And one day isn't a whole lot of time for recovery if they have to treat her so fast before it worsens. I know you were trying to make sure the reader knew it was only one game she would miss, but I think there could have been a better explanation. And I don't know why the paramedic would make that last comment. He'd probably be more likely to reassure them and wheel her away instead of throwing their loss of a good player in their faces. I think this is the best example of how the dialogue in this story doesn't sound real. I didn't take this (or any) character as the intellectual type, so why is she speaking this way? It's kind of cheesy as well. That exclamation mark bothers me as well. In my opinion, you should have added a tag that said, "she exlaimed." Getting dialogue to sound like it would in real life is very difficult, but it's something to always work on. I realize I critiqued a lot. But I truly did like your story, particularly for your first publication and for your age. I hope we'll see you in the Times again because I look forward to watching your writing skills improve rapidly with more practice. I'm only speaking from what I can remember of 6th/7th grade, but it seems to me that your writing abilities are very advanced for your age.
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Post by Tay - Sock Eater on Jul 17, 2006 17:13:13 GMT -5
Time for short story reviews! I'm in a reading mood.. Normally I don't do many reviews, but this time you all got lucky.  The Little GiantYou're a great writer, especially for this being your first story in the Neopian Times! The story didn't exactly suit my tastes, but everyone has their opinions and I'm a different kind of reader. Let me start by saying I like how you describe things and use your adjectives! I could just picture Wila rolling her emerald eyes and Scrap tossing back his coarse, brown Moehog mane. For a minute when she said "Oh don't be a Grundo." I was like, what? But then I realized... I just had to look at that line a couple of times. Also, "She just fell down the stairs, we suppose" sounded a little odd to me. I noticed a few grammar mistakes, but that's okay. Everyone makes them. It's easy to avoid those if you edit your work before you submit it. I also kind of new what would happen... Evrem would be put in the spotlight and he would get to play. But that's how most go, right? It seemed a little weird how much they adored Evrem in the end, but I see how they coul Overall, this was a great story! It was EXCELLENT for being your first! I know my first wasn't nearly as good as this... Hehehe. And I'm sorry for your jumbled review; I was writing the review as I read your story, so I had some things to say after every few paragraphs. Sorry if it's a little jumbled! Great job, can't wait to see you in the NT again. Captain of the ShipOh my gosh, wow. This is a really good story. It totally surprised me, and I was trying to figure out what was the matter with the Wocky... It was quite suspenseful, and I believe someone already used these words to describe your story, but I was on the edge of my seat! I love it ended, leaving the reader to think about the story (although now it's driving me crazy a little, hehe)... Fj0rd, you are a very talented writer. Now I might actually have to go back and read some of your older stories, and eagerly wait for more! To be honest, you put me in the mood to write a short story myself! I was planning to write more stories, but now I can't. Blame Fj0rd, because now I'm in the mood to go write something of my own... Well, tata!  |
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Post by kaitlyn on Jul 17, 2006 17:22:34 GMT -5
Thanks you guys! I REALLY appreciate it and I'll remember what you said for my next stories. I really wasn't too happy with some of the sentences myself, or really how the story as a whole ended up turning out. I had a pretty nice vision of how I wanted it to be, but it didn't really end up that way. =/ Aw...well...
Yeah, I have an obsession with dashes. =* But I'll try to work on that! My teacher jokes around with me because I have a comma and dash obsession. And as for the grammar, would that be okay if I consulted you guys for some help?
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Post by reinarita on Jul 17, 2006 17:41:35 GMT -5
Yay! I finally got around to it! xD The Completely Brief Comprehensive History of Neopia by simsman24000I think it played on my interests a bit. I admit, it was laugh-out-loud funny at some points, others like the Moon insulting the Sun by calling it a Mortog just... weren't. Overall it was an entertaining read. Illustrious Ixis by lassie_nikkiI liked it. It was informative with a bit of personality and it shows you did your research. A bit short for my taste but satisfactory and again, informative. (I never knew about some of these Ixis!) Captain of the Ship by extreme_fj0rdI... wow. A great piece a GREAT piece. I love the word choice, the characters the feeling... every word I enjoyed and the end was a great closer. Though it was short, your details made it play out like a movie in my mind so it barely seemed short at all. I spefically enjoyed your descriptions. Like the first couple lines- they hooked me and the rest of the story reeled me in. Loved it, loved it loved it loved it. Princess Troubles by ssjelitegirlLOL! It was really good. The princess in chatspeak was hilarious! Little Orby by tashniCute. A little too simple and it didn't make me laugh as most comics do but it left me wondering. (Which it good. ) Sanity Obsolete Revived by myfallenrevival4 art by imogenweasleyNice. The art was good Ginz. The comic was funny just as it should be. Warning! by velveteen Also by rosabellkNow this one was funny! One of the best in the issue. The art was pretty good and a new style from most comics in there. Nice work. There! I did it!  |
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Post by kaitlyn on Jul 17, 2006 17:44:09 GMT -5
I'm looking to write a story about a more...complex and deeper character. I want to use a character that already exists, isn't written about frequently (such as Illusen), and that we don't know much about. Any ideas?
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Post by kaitlyn on Jul 17, 2006 17:45:33 GMT -5
Also by rosabellk
-x-
Ah..Rob! I know him!
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Post by reinarita on Jul 17, 2006 17:53:05 GMT -5
I'm looking to write a story about a more...complex and deeper character. I want to use a character that already exists, isn't written about frequently (such as Illusen), and that we don't know much about. Any ideas? My only advice is to search around the site. Tay and I used Quinton because he's not used often. Just take whatever you take to. |
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Post by Fj0rd on Jul 17, 2006 17:54:09 GMT -5
Captain of the Ship by extreme_fj0rd I really enjoyed this one! I loved the mystery and the way the whole thing comes full circle. The only tiny thing was I had to read the last bit a couple of times 'The Lupe, whose fur hadn't grown more grey over the past seven years' - I had to read it to see if the Lupe's fur had grown more grey or hadn't grown more grey, but aside from that it was really really great Yeah... in my head, it hadn't grown more grey because he had sort of stopped aging, like he was immortal or something and would just keep on doing this forever, but yeah. That was a little awkward now that I think of it. ^^ Thanks. Captain of the Ship by extreme_fj0rdThis is an extreme story! There's so much I can say about it! The suspense is great -- I was seriously at the edge of my seat, waiting to see what Jall would find when he entered the room. The ending is truly haunting, too. It leaves a great sense of foreboding in my mind; I can see how the story could continue, how it could go on forever.... This is truly awesome, Fj0rd, truly awesome. Mwe. =3 Danke. Captain of the ShipOh my gosh, wow. This is a really good story. It totally surprised me, and I was trying to figure out what was the matter with the Wocky... It was quite suspenseful, and I believe someone already used these words to describe your story, but I was on the edge of my seat! I love it ended, leaving the reader to think about the story (although now it's driving me crazy a little, hehe)... Fj0rd, you are a very talented writer. Now I might actually have to go back and read some of your older stories, and eagerly wait for more! To be honest, you put me in the mood to write a short story myself! I was planning to write more stories, but now I can't. Blame Fj0rd, because now I'm in the mood to go write something of my own... Well, tata! Bwahaha! >D *evil laughter* ... um, yeah. Thanks, Tay. ^^ Captain of the Ship by extreme_fj0rdI... wow. A great piece a GREAT piece. I love the word choice, the characters the feeling... every word I enjoyed and the end was a great closer. Though it was short, your details made it play out like a movie in my mind so it barely seemed short at all. I spefically enjoyed your descriptions. Like the first couple lines- they hooked me and the rest of the story reeled me in. Loved it, loved it loved it loved it. Heee. =D Thanks. ... yanno, pretty much all of you phail at giving constructive criticism but now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside so I'm not going to rant about that very much. Heh. ^^ You're all so kind and awesome, giving me reviews when I can't give you reviews back. |
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Post by reinarita on Jul 17, 2006 17:56:56 GMT -5
... yanno, pretty much all of you phail at giving constructive criticism but now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside so I'm not going to rant about that very much. Heh. ^^ You're all so kind and awesome, giving me reviews when I can't give you reviews back. Or maybe it was so good you didn't need any. |
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Post by Fj0rd on Jul 17, 2006 17:59:13 GMT -5
... yanno, pretty much all of you phail at giving constructive criticism but now I feel all warm and fuzzy inside so I'm not going to rant about that very much. Heh. ^^ You're all so kind and awesome, giving me reviews when I can't give you reviews back. Or maybe it was so good you didn't need any. Shush, you. That is laziness talking. LAZINESS, I say. XD Yeah, I'll shut up now. |
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Post by kaitlyn on Jul 17, 2006 17:59:28 GMT -5
I am going to read your story right now. ^_^
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Post by reinarita on Jul 17, 2006 18:01:50 GMT -5
Or maybe it was so good you didn't need any. Shush, you. That is laziness talking. LAZINESS, I say. XD Yeah, I'll shut up now. He-he. Really, it was quite good. *shuts up also* |
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