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Post by Dan on Apr 15, 2006 11:07:23 GMT -5
BALTHAZAR'S BEGINNING - Dan and A Friend (sorry, can't recognize Neonames yet  ) Hmmm. I, personally, am fond of historical stories - stories that explain Neopia. This was interesting, and quite appropriate for Grey Day. Throughout the story there were lines that I liked ("The rock was little refuge and even he knew the penalty for ignoring the cold"), but then there were lines that I had difficulty feeling comfortable with ("After all, his mom and him were inseparable."). There were grammar errors here and there (there's one in the preceding quote), but they weren't bad enough to stop me cold while I read. I also thought the pace was inconsistent (it seemed to have sped up near the end), and I wish you would have developed the faeries further as characters. That doesn't bother me much, however, as the focus of the story is consistently on Balthazar. Overall, I think the story was good, and I did enjoy seeing the development of Balthazar's emotions. Good job! Thank you very much! Also, the other writer was NF, who used to come here, but I think she left both the NTWF and Neopets. We started it a while ago, and I just figured I'd finish it. *shrug* Thanks! |
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Post by Huntress on Apr 15, 2006 11:47:02 GMT -5
*glances at her custom picture* >__>  Thassit. My next story will have my own custom. Seriously, Saura's eyes have never been huge and zaffy-like and Shad has never had whiskers. So they're both bound to look weird on customs. No wonder too. And after all, I'm a freelance artist. Gotta have some personal pride here... Anyway, yus, all reviews for Shad and Saura: The Old Neolodge - Part 1 are very much appreciated ^^ It only has three parts in total and is a mystery. Though I wouldn't call it as creepy as the custom suggests... |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2006 11:58:39 GMT -5
10 Ways to Celebrate GloominessOnce again, Nikki, a very well-done article. I usually dislike list articles as I may have said before, but as someone else said, yours ain't written to try to be funny (although they often have spots of humor). Yours always give information an' give th' reader a sense of progressing somewhere in readin' th' article. You've been published four times (?) now and every time has been an improvement. The only thing I have to say is that you should branch out a liddle next time an' try a different kind of article er maybe even a short story. I'd love t' see all sides of yer writin' ability. 
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Post by nikki on Apr 15, 2006 18:18:00 GMT -5
10 Ways to Celebrate GloominessOnce again, Nikki, a very well-done article. I usually dislike list articles as I may have said before, but as someone else said, yours ain't written to try to be funny (although they often have spots of humor). Yours always give information an' give th' reader a sense of progressing somewhere in readin' th' article. You've been published four times (?) now and every time has been an improvement. The only thing I have to say is that you should branch out a liddle next time an' try a different kind of article er maybe even a short story. I'd love t' see all sides of yer writin' ability. YAY  Thanks again for the review ^^ I'm glad you think I'm improving. I prefer writing to please people rather than just to get trophies I know exactly what you mean about branching out ^^ I'm working on a short story for Cybunny Day, and there are no lists, I promise  hehe. I just hope breaking away from lists doesn't prove to mess up my writing. In other words, I hope you guys like it |
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Post by Tashni on Apr 15, 2006 18:30:53 GMT -5
*glances at her custom picture* >__> Thassit. My next story will have my own custom. Seriously, Saura's eyes have never been huge and zaffy-like and Shad has never had whiskers. So they're both bound to look weird on customs. No wonder too. And after all, I'm a freelance artist. Gotta have some personal pride here... Anyway, yus, all reviews for Shad and Saura: The Old Neolodge - Part 1 are very much appreciated ^^ It only has three parts in total and is a mystery. Though I wouldn't call it as creepy as the custom suggests... I saw your custom pic, too, and I was like, "That is SO not Shad and Saura." I'll review your series as soon as I can think clearly again. (I have a fever.) |
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Post by peri on Apr 15, 2006 18:53:57 GMT -5
Thank you, Tashni and Psycho for the reviews! I greatly appreciate it! |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2006 19:08:51 GMT -5
Balthazar's BeginningI like stories like this, historical stories that relate t' somethin' else. Yer description of scene an' Balthazar's internal conflict is quite good an' th' story is clean an' concise--always a good thang. Some thangs I wondered about: why is there a bag full of bottles in th' forest? Why does he take his anger out on all faeries instead of just dark faeries? ('sides th' obvious reason that all faeries come in bottles) It also woulda been nice t' tie his mother back to th' end somehow. That's pretty nit-picky, though. Nicely done.
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Post by Dan on Apr 15, 2006 21:48:55 GMT -5
Balthazar's BeginningI like stories like this, historical stories that relate t' somethin' else. Yer description of scene an' Balthazar's internal conflict is quite good an' th' story is clean an' concise--always a good thang. Some thangs I wondered about: why is there a bag full of bottles in th' forest? Why does he take his anger out on all faeries instead of just dark faeries? ('sides th' obvious reason that all faeries come in bottles) It also woulda been nice t' tie his mother back to th' end somehow. That's pretty nit-picky, though. Nicely done. Great, thanks for the input! |
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Post by Psycho on Apr 15, 2006 22:16:42 GMT -5
Balthazar's BeginningI like stories like this, historical stories that relate t' somethin' else. Yer description of scene an' Balthazar's internal conflict is quite good an' th' story is clean an' concise--always a good thang. Some thangs I wondered about: why is there a bag full of bottles in th' forest? Why does he take his anger out on all faeries instead of just dark faeries? ('sides th' obvious reason that all faeries come in bottles) It also woulda been nice t' tie his mother back to th' end somehow. That's pretty nit-picky, though. Nicely done. Hmmm, I didn't catch the part where it mentioned *only* dark faeries - I kind of assumed that all sorts of faeries were included alongside dark faeries... heh, I guess Psycho oughta read more thoroughly next time... |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 15, 2006 22:42:59 GMT -5
Well, mebbe I should clarify. It's only dark faeries that torment Balthazar, yet he says that all faeries will pay. I think it was a little odd that he'd be mad at all faeries, 'stead of jus' dark faeries. (But I know, since all faeries come in bottles, that the story required him t' be mad at all faeries.)
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Post by Dan on Apr 15, 2006 22:56:18 GMT -5
Well, mebbe I should clarify. It's only dark faeries that torment Balthazar, yet he says that all faeries will pay. I think it was a little odd that he'd be mad at all faeries, 'stead of jus' dark faeries. (But I know, since all faeries come in bottles, that the story required him t' be mad at all faeries.) The way I wrote it, I thought that him being a young age and extremely abused would cause him to generalize that all faeries are bad despite their color. But I didn't really say that, I guess. My bad.  |
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Post by Nut on Apr 16, 2006 0:54:25 GMT -5
THE SLEEPER - Nut Ok, I already had an opinion before I started reading this. It was "*groan*, another plot-based story?!". Don't kill me. What I have to say next is good, promise! Quite obviously, all I'm doing here on this thread is critiquing experienced writers This was kinda sorta what I expected, but I enjoyed it! I did expect the Glowing Techo to light up the doors, but I did not expect the story about Faeries-not-dying-Sleeper-imprisoned-inside... The story unfolded well, and the introduction was a great start. I did have chills when the Glowing Techo "saw" or felt she was being "seen", and I especially liked this line: "The radiance of her body heated her skin, but the air was colder than the glow was warm. " It was a good choice, choosing a Glowing Techo to be the main character - I could definitely imagine seeing the shadows his glow would have cast, and how frightening that would have been. The ending was unique. It ends the story with a question that is left to be asked by the reader... not like a cliffhanger or a "to be continued" but subtler and really gets the mind thinking. Great job! Yaay, thank you for the review, Psycho! ^__^ I'm glad this one managed to stand out from all the other Altador stuff flooding the Times. (Really, there were articles and stories about The New World and My Adventure in Altador the very week the world came out... how do these people submit so fast? o_0) I'm glad parts of the story managed to come off as somewhat spooky. ^^ And yes, I was quite attached to the idea of a Glowing Techo walking alone in the dark up there. :3 Thank you so much for the lovely review! *glomps* ^^ Not related to reviews or anything, but I think from now on I'm going to submit my own custom pics. I was really kinda disappointed with the pic they chose for this story. The setting for most of the story is dark and spooky, and what do they do but show a bright sky with sun beaming down on lit buildings? -_- Eh. I knew when I submitted it that I couldn't bank on getting the kind of pic I wanted, but I figured I'd try. This settles it, though. More work for me, less surprise and custom pic joy, but eh. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 16, 2006 11:47:36 GMT -5
It's a'ight, Dan. It was still a good story an' an enjoyable read.
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Post by Tay - Sock Eater on Apr 17, 2006 0:51:41 GMT -5
Anyone who reviews part five of Now You See Me, Now You Don't will receive hugs and cookies, thank you very much! I will try to review one ASAP. |
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Post by Tashni on Apr 17, 2006 1:19:20 GMT -5
Shad and Saura: The Old Neolodge - Part One by Huntress[/color]
I love Shad & Saura, (who doesn't?) so I am really looking forward to reading this series! Judging by the title and setting, I'm expecting something like the Mountain Lodge Murder Mystery some years back. Let's see what happens!
I'm pretty sure there should be a breaker here.
The question and the response are so far removed, that by the time I get to the response, I had dismissed the question as rhetorical. Also, the response is worded in a very akward way. As a result, I had to read it twice.
I'm just not crazy about using the term "steaming" to describe a dry heat like fire.
My biggest problem with this chapter is that you didn't really capture my interest until the blood on the plate, which was toward the end of the chapter. If I was just browsing through the NT, I would have given up on this chapter after the first few paragraphs. Since this is a Shad and Saura series, however, you might be able to get away with it better than a non-celeb series.
However, by the end of this chapter, your promise of a "10 Little Indians" murder mystery seems to be going in full swing. ^_^ I'll be interested to see how you pull it off.
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neo username - dan4884 
Thanks again for the review ^^ I'm glad you think I'm improving. I prefer writing to please people rather than just to get trophies 
hehe. I just hope breaking away from lists doesn't prove to mess up my writing. In other words, I hope you guys like it 
