|
|
Post by silentbutterfly on Feb 8, 2006 19:03:51 GMT -5
I *finally* got some free time *dances*. Since I don't know when I'll get this again (or how long it'll last) I'm going to post reviews individually. Sorry if I post too many messages!  To Pound or Not to Pound? Just a comment from having a Grarrl at on time - he randomly ate items from my inventory! I wasn't sure what was going on, but after having lost an item I just purchased to his appetite, I sent him to the pound vowing not to own another grarrl. I didn't know they did that when I adopted one, maybe other owners are finding out what I did. But I think you did a great job on this article! It was easy to read, easy to follow along, and you made a lot of great points and observations! Congratulations on your first Neopian Times article! |
|
|
|
Post by silentbutterfly on Feb 8, 2006 19:20:03 GMT -5
The Way It Was I'm not really a fan of Jhudora or Illusen, so I wasn't sure how I would feel about this article after reading the first paragraph. But, I'm glad I finished.  Your descriptions and emotions were very entertaining and kept me scrolling down to read more. I think your tale of why they don't get along is wonderful! It's well-written, captivating, and will stay with me each time I think of one of these faeries. |
|
|
|
Post by silentbutterfly on Feb 8, 2006 19:25:05 GMT -5
Generosity Is that a real random event? I haven’t gotten it before. You draw really well (I especially like Saura) and I LOVE the expressions on Jhudora’s face and her final note to herself. ;D He Promised Her Orange That’s a lot of panels! Great drawings though. I seem to be one of the only people who doesn’t understand the violin comment, but still think it’s a great comic! It got a smile out of me! |
|
|
|
Post by silentbutterfly on Feb 8, 2006 19:32:17 GMT -5
“For as long as anyone can remember, Jhudora has been the scariest thing in Neopia, besides the amazingly odd popularity of Shoyrus of course.” I almost chocked on my drink reading that. *lol*
Overall, I think you did a great job with this article. I like why you decided to list 24 things to do, and I like that you gave some history before listing them. There was some really witty things you wrote as well and some great humor. Great job! Congratulations on your first Neopian Times article!
|
|
|
|
Post by silentbutterfly on Feb 8, 2006 19:45:40 GMT -5
The Weaver
Awww…I love this one. I just love stories like this and really enjoyed your tale. You wrote a truly wonderful story…now I feel like writing a story too!
|
|
|
|
Post by Dan on Feb 8, 2006 20:04:18 GMT -5
Erm, at this forum it's better if you don't post more than once in a row. So next time, if you could just edit your first post (see the modify button at the top right corner of your post?) and add them all together, that'd be great. |
|
|
|
Post by silentbutterfly on Feb 8, 2006 20:05:21 GMT -5
Walking the Plank I think this is amazing. I really enjoyed the story and was wondering why it was called "Walking the Plank". Great ending. Congratulations on your first Neopian Times short story! ...and I guess that'll do it for me. Sorry for posting too many message then. I forgot about the modify thing. Anyway, thanks to Amy and Huntress for reviewing my article. I'm off. |
|
|
|
Post by Nut on Feb 8, 2006 21:28:50 GMT -5
Short Story Reviews[glow=blue,2,300] The Way It Was[/glow] This was a lovely story; I really enjoyed reading it.  The opening sequence where you tell Jhudora and Illusen’s story was done nicely; the descriptive lines helped to smooth out what might have been a blunt string of “telling” paragraphs. The transition from the storytelling to the action flowed well, and I thought that the idea of the Watracia Festival was quite clever. The descriptions of the lair provided just enough information that I could imagine the place as I read; I could hear the chanting as well. It set up a very nice atmosphere for that point in the story. Jhudora and Illusen’s argument at the end was made much more interesting by the inclusion of their thoughts alongside their words. Illusen’s line, “ Must get rid of this horrible feeling…” was even a little humorous to me. Sorry if it wasn’t intended to be funny, but I enjoyed it. ^^’ There was one thing near the beginning that I thought deserved a bit more explanation: the reason for Jhudora’s acceptance into the Dark Faerie circles. We read that Jhudora has no friends and that her fellows have decided she is unsuited for their circles, and then three paragraphs later we are told that the Dark Faeries “finally” came out and accepted her. This seemed a bit quick to me, despite the story telling us that years have passed since Jhudora’s initial rejection. This is just a small detail, though. I was a little confused by Illistia’s part in the story. Despite the italicized text in the beginning saying that the Light Faerie is the narrator, the story is essentially told from a third-person view all the way up until near the end. When the narrator made her appearance in the story, I was confused for a moment as to who it was, and had to think before I remembered Illistia was telling the story. Even then, we are not sure why the Light Faerie is standing near a Dark Faerie’s lair, and her hope that “things will be alright now” doesn’t quite seem to match the fact that she’s frozen in horror as she watches the lair burst into flames. Illistia’s place in the sequence of events should have been a bit more firmly established so she wouldn’t have seemed to suddenly pop up near the end. Still, it was a great story, offering a believable explanation for Jhudora and Illusen’s rivalry. ^^ Great work! [glow=blue,2,300] Walking the Plank[/glow] Wow. This story was excellent, and the descriptions really made it happen. True, there could have been a bit less in certain areas, but overall you did a great job of giving the reader a sense of the surroundings as well as the events taking place. I really got a good sense of Garin’s feelings throughout the story. He was believable and seemed very real. The opening scene, with the crew of the Black Pawkeet thinking about Garin, was very good; you captured the feelings of the characters well. I really liked the scene with Garin and Isca as well. I was expecting Emerald to ask Garin to become her pet due to the accommodating-owner attitude she had throughout, but even so, it was sweet when she made the entreaty. The fact that she was interacting with Garin is a concept that I don’t see often, as plot characters tend to be kept separate from humans even in Times stories. And the ending—the ending was sad, but perfect! The only thing I can find to nitpick on in this story is that there are grammar errors in places. Otherwise, you did a terrific job with this story. I really enjoyed reading it.
|
|
|
|
Post by Nut on Feb 8, 2006 21:35:20 GMT -5
*hopeful throat clear* If my story, "A Lupe's Tale", could be added to that list to review, I'd appriciate it... Thanks... And if anyone else wants to review it, that'd be nice, too. I just added your story and Sarah's article to the list.  Edit: Yeep, sorry for the double post. Somehow I forgot that I'd just made a post and replied to this separately. x_- |
|
|
|
Post by hmlanden on Feb 8, 2006 23:36:48 GMT -5
Short Story Reviews[glow=blue,2,300] The Way It Was[/glow] This was a lovely story; I really enjoyed reading it. The opening sequence where you tell Jhudora and Illusen’s story was done nicely; the descriptive lines helped to smooth out what might have been a blunt string of “telling” paragraphs. The transition from the storytelling to the action flowed well, and I thought that the idea of the Watracia Festival was quite clever. The descriptions of the lair provided just enough information that I could imagine the place as I read; I could hear the chanting as well. It set up a very nice atmosphere for that point in the story. Jhudora and Illusen’s argument at the end was made much more interesting by the inclusion of their thoughts alongside their words. Illusen’s line, “ Must get rid of this horrible feeling…” was even a little humorous to me. Sorry if it wasn’t intended to be funny, but I enjoyed it. ^^’ There was one thing near the beginning that I thought deserved a bit more explanation: the reason for Jhudora’s acceptance into the Dark Faerie circles. We read that Jhudora has no friends and that her fellows have decided she is unsuited for their circles, and then three paragraphs later we are told that the Dark Faeries “finally” came out and accepted her. This seemed a bit quick to me, despite the story telling us that years have passed since Jhudora’s initial rejection. This is just a small detail, though. I was a little confused by Illistia’s part in the story. Despite the italicized text in the beginning saying that the Light Faerie is the narrator, the story is essentially told from a third-person view all the way up until near the end. When the narrator made her appearance in the story, I was confused for a moment as to who it was, and had to think before I remembered Illistia was telling the story. Even then, we are not sure why the Light Faerie is standing near a Dark Faerie’s lair, and her hope that “things will be alright now” doesn’t quite seem to match the fact that she’s frozen in horror as she watches the lair burst into flames. Illistia’s place in the sequence of events should have been a bit more firmly established so she wouldn’t have seemed to suddenly pop up near the end. Still, it was a great story, offering a believable explanation for Jhudora and Illusen’s rivalry. ^^ Great work! I didn't really have much time to finish developing it; I procrastinated too much, and the deadline crept up like my dog in the night  . I'm glad you enjoyed it. The reason Illistia was telling the story in third-person was because although she was there, the story would've been way too long if told in first person. Mostly, she was a background character, lurking in the shadows and hero-worshipping, sooo...yeah. Thanks for the review! *sneaks you cookies* The Way It Was I'm not really a fan of Jhudora or Illusen, so I wasn't sure how I would feel about this article after reading the first paragraph. But, I'm glad I finished. Your descriptions and emotions were very entertaining and kept me scrolling down to read more. I think your tale of why they don't get along is wonderful! It's well-written, captivating, and will stay with me each time I think of one of these faeries. Aww, thankies! I'm glad you liked it and my overly-long and obnoxious descriptions. *slips you a box of fudge* |
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2006 11:28:17 GMT -5
Thanks so much for the review ^_^ I like the suggestion of keeping more things unanswered until the end- that would have been a nice way to keep some more of the mystery surrounding her.. Hmm.. Thanks for the suggestion Okay, please no more requests for me unless/until I've finished these ones. The WeaverAn interesting story with a different subject and tone than you often see. I might have liked a little more character development, to get to know the Weaver better, but at the same time, the level of development that there was kind of contributed to the almost fable-like quality of the story. I think I only wanted more character development because the description of other things was so rich. At times you suddenly introduce information that is new to your audience but that you write about as if we should already know it. For instance, the first time that you mention Anora's name ("Anora herself, however, disregarded these comments with disdain.") you do it as if we already know who this Anora is. But you've never told us before that the Weaver's real name is Anora; you've only referred to her as the Weaver up until this point. I had the same reaction to the princess "refraining from swatting the black Spyder away from her face." What Spyder? You refer to it as "the" spyder as if it has already been mentioned, but it hasn't. It's just suddenly appeared here. The writing is generally easy to follow and flows fairly well, but there are a few hiccups here and there with some awkward phrasing, misused words, etc. A few examples: "a respectful gown or other kingly attire" The "other" implies that a respectful gown is a type of kingly attire. I don't know many kings who wear gowns. "fine clothes and garments" This is rather repetitive. Clothes are garments-- only one word needs to be used. "In turn, her silver needle" "In turn" implies reflexivity, and I don't think there really is any here. "Perhaps the peculiar thing" "Perhaps" implies uncertainty, but there is no uncertainty here about what the peculiar thing about the Weaver is. "The royal Aisha alighted gently from her carriage- pride, elegance, and short-lived beauty hovering about her as though a cloud." The phrasing of that ending is kind of awkward and confusing. It would have worked better to make this a metaphor instead of a simile: "... a cloud of pride... hovering about her." "surroundings more accustomed to her elevated station in society." What you're literally saying and what you mean to say are two different things here, because of how the sentence is arranged. Surroundings aren't "accustomed." People are. Also, why apostrophes instead of quotation marks in dialogue? It seemed a little strange, but also interesting to me, that Anora was so troubled by the spoiled royal attitude and yet, because of the line of business that she was in, she seemed to be contributing to it in a way. The resolution of her using her talent to instead change the princess' attitude was a nice one, but didn't quite come together for me. There is no indication beforehand in the story that Anora has any magical ability or powers. And if she is capable of this, why is this the first time that she has done it? Why did it only just occur to her? It was, as I said, an interesting and nice resolution, but just needed to be set up for a little more earlier on in the story, I think. Gosh, thanks so much for the in depth review ^_^ Some of the things that you mentioned were deliberate as I decided to play around with my usual style a little, but you certainly have given me a lot to think about Upon reflection, I agree that the ending could have been prepared for a little earlier. Still, it's my first short story in the times, and I'm happy. Again, thanks for taking the time to review in such detail, very much appreciated =) As for the apostrophe/quotation marks thing, I have no idea what happened there  Thanks for the review, I'm glad that you enjoyed it ;D Also, thank you to Fip for explaining how to tell if something is a custom image or not. I thought I'd already posted a thank-you, but I guess not =) Reviews for a few bits and pieces coming as soon as possible ^_^ |
|
|
|
Post by Huntress on Feb 9, 2006 12:58:58 GMT -5
Is that a real random event? I haven’t gotten it before. You draw really well (I especially like Saura) and I LOVE the expressions on Jhudora’s face and her final note to herself. ;D Yeah, it is a real random event. Jellyneo.net has them all listed, that's where I found it. I don't think I've ever gotten it either but I know that you get a random item with the word "poison" in it with that event. Thanks for the review... I had already given up hope on getting any this week ^^; |
|
|
|
Post by Deleted on Feb 9, 2006 15:40:18 GMT -5
OK, reviews. I feel terrible that it's taken me almost a week to get to these, but oh well. There don't seem to be an awful lot of reviewers this week, and far more requests, so I'll try to keep these kind of short in order to get more done ^_^; Kadoatery Denial Have to say, that's got to be my favourite bit, hehe xD I must confess, with 285 of the little devils fed, I do believe I'm mildly addicted. I found the article to be very humorous- it really made me smile. There were I think maybe one or two places which I had to reread as the meaning was not instantly clear, but on the whole it flowed well and was a really nice, funny read Good job, and good luck going pink The Awakening Wow, where to start? First off, I really did enjoy reading the story. I was impressed by how much you managed to get in there- there was a lot going on, but it was written in a way that was easy to follow and I was not at all confused when you jumped from place to place. Whilst it was action packed and enjoyable, I think that it could maybe have done with a little more in depth description. The early parts of the story just.. didn't seem sinister enough to me. I understand that the faerie wasn't 'dark' at that point, but particularly in the very first paragraph, I just didn't feel that intimidated, if that is the right way to phrase it? Since there was so much going in, you could even have made it into a series, I think, had you put more detail into the description/dialogue and so forth. I think my favourite part of the whole story was the end xD It just sounded so.. dark-faerie-ish, and full of forboding for what's to come. All in all, great job, it was nicely done Pictures in the CloudsThere is actually very little that I can write in the way of a review here. I loved this story, it moved with a lovely pace with plenty of description. I thought that the overall idea was very original, and the extra viewpoint from Fyora added just that little bit more depth to the tale. I like the style in which it is written very much I think there was one phrase which sounded slightly awkward, and one typing error, but other than that xD GenerosityThis made me laugh! I've gotten this event a few times before, and the twist in the comic with it being a nice gift was very entertaining. I'm no artist, but from a novice's point of view, I thought that Jhudora's facial expressions were great, and I also thought that the quill and notepad in the final panel were particularly well drawn. The fluffy-cloud floor for faerieland was an excellent feature in my opinion- I knew instantly where the comic was. That might sound silly, but as I said, I really am not very good with comic reviews ^_^; Great job though! I was intending to review more than the above, but I seem to have run out of time for the present... Sorry =( |
|
|
|
Post by Tdyans at work on Feb 9, 2006 16:05:20 GMT -5
Awakening
As I'm not too familiar with the Darkest Faerie storyline, I have no idea how much of this is canon and how much of it is your own creation, but I found it to be a creative history behind Altador and the Darkest Faerie. I liked the idea that the Darkest Faerie had started out as one of the protectors of Altador. And I thought it was very interesting that by constantly expecting her to be a dark faerie, the others finally forced her to live up to their expectations. It's interesting how we can be shaped by others' views of us and their actions toward us according to those views, and it was ironic, both for her and for them, that the faerie became exactly what she hated them thinking she was because of how they treated her. And, of course, then she's defeated her case that she was ever good by becoming evil and teaming up with Kastrallis just as they had accused her of doing.
In the first paragraph, your tense shifted several times, so that's something that you need to watch out for. I also found myself confused by the timeline after the second break. Since you'd already gone over the fact that the faerie was one of the protectors, I assumed that the story from this point took place after that fact, so I thought when she first fought Kastrallis that she was already a protector. When I got further down and came to the scene where Jerdana asked her to be a protector, I was very confused. To prevent this confusion, you could have either made it clearer at the end of the little history of Altador that the faerie was now going to tell how she became a protector, or you could have scrapped the history of Altador altogether. All in all, it's not very necessary-- most of the facts given in it that are needed could have been inserted elsewhere in the story and it would have gotten the action moving more quickly without being repetitive or confusing.
I felt that there was a lot of telling and not much showing in this story. Of course, the faerie is telling this story, so some telling-- and maybe more than you would usually have-- is to be expected. But, because it is in actuality a written story, you can still have more description and elaboration than a real person telling a story in real life might give. I also found the sometimes choppy writing style and the language choices to not always fit with the tone and the teller of the story. Though the faerie should tell how she felt at the time, she is still looking at it through a lens of a thousand years of anger. She's had a long time to think about this story, so I think her telling of it would have less of a "young" voice than it seems to have now-- that it would be more aged and elegant, with longer and more flowing sentences and sharper words.
|
|
|
|
Post by fyregyrl on Feb 9, 2006 16:49:43 GMT -5
To Pound or Not to Pound? Just a comment from having a Grarrl at on time - he randomly ate items from my inventory! I wasn't sure what was going on, but after having lost an item I just purchased to his appetite, I sent him to the pound vowing not to own another grarrl. I didn't know they did that when I adopted one, maybe other owners are finding out what I did. But I think you did a great job on this article! It was easy to read, easy to follow along, and you made a lot of great points and observations! Congratulations on your first Neopian Times article! thanks for the review! glad you liked it! |
|
Your descriptions and emotions were very entertaining and kept me scrolling down to read more. I think your tale of why they don't get along is wonderful! It's well-written, captivating, and will stay with me each time I think of one of these faeries. 
neo username - dan4884 
The opening sequence where you tell Jhudora and Illusen’s story was done nicely; the descriptive lines helped to smooth out what might have been a blunt string of “telling” paragraphs. The transition from the storytelling to the action flowed well, and I thought that the idea of the Watracia Festival was quite clever. The descriptions of the lair provided just enough information that I could imagine the place as I read; I could hear the chanting as well. It set up a very nice atmosphere for that point in the story. Jhudora and Illusen’s argument at the end was made much more interesting by the inclusion of their thoughts alongside their words. Illusen’s line, “Must get rid of this horrible feeling…” was even a little humorous to me. Sorry if it wasn’t intended to be funny, but I enjoyed it. ^^’
.
