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Post by hmlanden on Dec 17, 2005 17:17:25 GMT -5
Christmas With You: Part OneHmladen is one of the more recent writers in the Neopian Times their first submission was in issue 196, barely before 200, and yet they seem to know their stuff pretty well. This is their first series and it is a valient attempt. Christmas With You, starts off with a diary entry, and follows two kougras, one impoverished and made fun of, the other rich and popular. It starts off well and I found the descriptions of Jake almost romantic. *drools* However there was a couple of flaws. There is a big secret in the story, which is hinted at for a while, but then blatantly revealed half way through, in an almost disappointing way. Hmladen tried to be subtle about it, but it didn't really work out as planned, and I felt as if I was hit by suprise and disappointment. A big whopper like that should have been left untill the second part. Perhaps Jake could have saught Alix out and unravlled the clues as he went, thus allowing the reader to grow with him. The way you chose to present it would have been great for a short story, but for a longer work, such as a series it is very important that you keep the reader interested. You did a good a job with that by telling us about the shadow, but it would have been better if you worked on resolving one problem before presenting another one. It is true that people say up the stakes, but here we don't really know what Jake is searching for, confirmation that Alix is his sister, or the truth. You have weakened your plot by presenting it so blatantly. Other than that I thought the set-up was a little cliche, rich mean pets hang on to his every word. What is it that a pet that is automatically poor has to be the hero and the rich people are evil. Yes Jake is rich, but you spefically make a point of saying that he wasn't always rich. I guess it's not that your story has a cliche plotline, I've never seen it before, it's just that the character types seen overused and thin. I must say though that I loved the writing style and the haunting way you presented the memories was refreshing, though beacause they were so good I think you should have trimmed them down a bit, that way they would have packed more of a punch. As a whole this was a great for a first series, well done. I reccomend this for anyone who is looking for an unorthadox Christmass story. *smiles* I hate writing series. The only reason this story wasn't a short story was because I went over the word count. Thanks for the review, Snorkles! Any other reviews for Christmas With You would be greatly appreciated! |
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Post by hmlanden on Dec 17, 2005 17:21:18 GMT -5
Sanity Obselete was awesome this week! The ending was very original.  Awesome job. Baby Angel-Growing Up- You said you wrote this a long time ago, and since I know this, I can see it in the story. However, I enjoyed reading it, and it was almost to your usual brilliant standards. Great job!  LUPE-X9- Dan, how do...why do...how...*speechless'd* AWESOME. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2005 19:30:50 GMT -5
Thanks for all the reviews guys.
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Post by Nina on Dec 17, 2005 20:25:06 GMT -5
Somebody want to review "Your Friendly Gift Giving Guide"? I was really excited to see this article, since I've decided to give out humongous gifts for Christmas this year. I'm contemplating quitting, so all of my Neopoints are going into gifts. You're completely right! It feels much better to give than to receive. Plus, Christmas shopping on Neopets is fun! There are just so many items! ^_^ So, because I've already started buying gifts and have much more to go, I was curious as to what this article would be about. I was somewhat disappointed, however. Your grammar is great, your sentence structure is good, etc. I saw no mistakes in that, but I found that the content was just not enough. It felt sort of rushed near the end. I thought that you started off really strongly. Your introduction, and those few longer paragraphs in the beginning? Nicely done. I liked that you said to get something for everyone. I think that that's important . Near the end of your article, though, when you suggested a few gifts? You definitely should have put more detail in each, and I wouldn't agree with you about some of those choices, although I guess I understand why you would include them. Still, I find that codestones and dubloons are just not good gift options at all. There is virtually no thought involved, and if the person trains his or her pet, they must already have sufficient neopoints on their own to purchase these things. A codestone just won't make a difference, if you see my point. I would suggest putting the 5k or so that you would have used on a codestone or a dubloon toward something else. Also, I definitely think that you missed many major gift ideas. You missed magic/potions, which make some of the best gifts, from my experience, because they're very pretty in general, and the bottles look fancy. Look up "Bloodberry Elixir," "Elixir of the Sun," or "Spooky Looking Dark Potion," for example. See what I mean? These would be better alternatives to dubloons or codestones, and not much more expensive. That brings me to another point: you definitely should have had actual suggestions for each category. You know, done some research and found items that look pretty or that would make good gifts, just as examples. Everyone knows that they can get books for people, and that they make good gifts-- that's common sense. However, if you stated a few titles that might interest them for the Christmas season (A Flotsam Christmas, A Grundo Christmas, A Warm Christmas, Kiko Christmas Story, A Faerie Christmas, A Special Christmas, maybe?) that would really be helpful. I really liked that you had a very friendly tone/way of writing throughout the entire article by saying things like, "One last tip from your friend Uggazew...". It didn't sound like you were trying to teach us something, just like you were giving friendly advice. That makes a huge difference, and makes reading it more pleasant. I enjoyed the article altogether, though I would have preferred if you had made it more "complete" and in-depth. It felt a bit rushed. However, I thought that it was overall well-written, and it really did put me into more of a Christmas spirit ^_^. |
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Post by Dan on Dec 17, 2005 21:47:28 GMT -5
LUPE-X9- Dan, how do...why do...how...*speechless'd* AWESOME. Wow, thank you! Any part you liked in particular? |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2005 22:07:47 GMT -5
New Series Reveiws Cont:
Christmas Warmth: Part One
NSQ is perhaps the most insane NTWFER of us all. Any introduction I would give would probably be eaten, so without further ado the story. =)
A Christmas Warmth starts out in the cold steel of Virtupets, with the finding of a plastic star. NSQ has a very unique grammatically tight story, that is blatant and pointed. The set-up was great.
However, after that I was a bit dissappointed. I had expected a really great hilarious story to immeadiatly follow, maybe just my expectations were too high, but it was more heartwarming then really funny. It is a great warm happy-go-lucky story, but I was expecting a bit more humor. I also thought this story could have easily been a short story, as some of the text I wanted to skim over.
Perhaps again I was just looking for the nonexistant humor in the peice. The peice had phrasings that were a bit funny.
Overall I think that this story's biggest problem was that it promised something and delivered something diffrent.
If your looking for a heartwarming cute story this Christmas, read this story.
Continued Series
The Sight: Parts Three and Four
The Sight started out fairly weakly, with almost cold descriptions and didn't utalize the blindness, however I'm happy to say that it has improved greatly.
I still didn't feel as connected to the characters as I would have liked, but for some reason once Large regained his sight, the story became immensly better. The loss of sight instead of being touching ended up almost gimmiky that wasn't used up it's full potential. We are told that his senses are heightened but we don't really get the feel of it.
I however felt as if a weight was lifted off the author's sholdures as they could write visually again, and everything seemed clearer and less muddy.
I liked Ms. Penderghast, even though she was a bit overdramatised. Slygor is perhaps my favorite character in the entire peice.
He is perhaps the most realistic character of the entire lot. Lots of the other characters seemed to soft. I love my sister, she loves me. Blah, no drama. But this character brought movement back into the peice. However, I think that he flew a bit to quickly into a rage and would be better as a cool collected villian for a while and when his facade finally broke we could feel a bit of sympathy, suprise, and connection to him.
Nice use of suspense as he lost his sight. Both of these last two parts were really really strong. I especially like the last part of the fourth it was extremely well done and I really felt connected to Large.
However I think the bond between Large and his Sister is a bit overdone. If they are very amourous about their sibling love, than they should hug, or show it. If they aren't but quite about it, when they do it should be a big deal. Right now it's just kind of all thought, or said.
Overall though it has improved drastically in these next two parts. Really good job Dan.
The Pirate Writer: Parts Two and Three
The Pirate Writer began with a conflict of ethics. The first parts began fairly strongly, but it seemed at if they have fallen apart.
The biggest problem is that the writing is choppy. Their is a lack of sentence variation.
He smiled at me. He said
I was tumbling from the sky down to the shallow water. I closed my eyes tightly when I realized just what was happening, but the fate I thought I had wasn't true. I heard long wings flap and I felt claws grasp onto my legs and pull me onto the boat once again.
A way to remedy this would be to sit down and just write things as you see them, right now the descriptions seem a bit forced try to visulize what is happening as it happens.
Now a huge issue was the third part, you promise something with the Krawk and then we go on to the next part and are still left hanging. You can do that in writing, but you should correct what happened shortly after, or show exactly why the heck you did that. You did neither which left the reader with a mixture of confusion and dissapointment.
When you offer suspense make sure to deliver.
You seem to have a good idea of the ethical conflict that faces your main character, and I can see just a glimpse of that in the story, but you went about developing that wrong. Sometimes your character seems to be with the pirates and sometimes not. I think you need to establish both some honesty with your self and your character.
Is she really that pure, that good. Beacause I have a feeling this story could have been phenomanal and much less confusion if the character was having a debate inside themselves, instead of outside that way it wouldn't hinge so much on confusing names and plots.
Overall this was one of the weaker parts of the series, but it's still a decent story.
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Post by Nut on Dec 17, 2005 22:09:15 GMT -5
Thank you for the review, Tiger! ^^ I like drawing ice.  I can see how the Krawk's arms look kind of off-proportion, though; I guess I exaggerated Krawks' small arms a bit too much there. Thanks for pointing it out! All credit goes to Tyrannitar for the story.  I know what you mean about the text. I was having trouble keeping it from looking cramped; I guess I didn't do so well at finding a solution. I could have written it smaller in the first couple of panels, though. Thanks for the review, Huntress! ^^ Aw, I'm glad you thought so, Landen! ^^ Again, all credit for the story (including the ending ) goes to Tyrannitar. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2005 22:28:40 GMT -5
New Series Reveiws Cont:
Christmas Warmth: Part One
NSQ is perhaps the most insane NTWFER of us all. Any introduction I would give would probably be eaten, so without further ado the story. =) A Christmas Warmth starts out in the cold steel of Virtupets, with the finding of a plastic star. NSQ has a very unique grammatically tight story, that is blatant and pointed. The set-up was great. However, after that I was a bit dissappointed. I had expected a really great hilarious story to immeadiatly follow, maybe just my expectations were too high, but it was more heartwarming then really funny. It is a great warm happy-go-lucky story, but I was expecting a bit more humor. I also thought this story could have easily been a short story, as some of the text I wanted to skim over. Perhaps again I was just looking for the nonexistant humor in the peice. The peice had phrasings that were a bit funny. Overall I think that this story's biggest problem was that it promised something and delivered something diffrent. If your looking for a heartwarming cute story this Christmas, read this story. *Jumps you happily* Thanks for the review, Snorkles! ^__^ I was actually going for more heartwarming than humourous. To be honest, I'm very bad at writing funny stories.^^; Did it seem like it was going to be a humour at the start? Whoops, I guess I did sort of make it seem like that...  Anyways, you're right about the fact that the story could've been shorter. I'm very bad at cutting things out and editing, something I need to work on. xP; Thanks again for the review. |
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Post by Dan on Dec 17, 2005 22:35:41 GMT -5
Continued Series The Sight: Parts Three and FourThe Sight started out fairly weakly, with almost cold descriptions and didn't utalize the blindness, however I'm happy to say that it has improved greatly. I still didn't feel as connected to the characters as I would have liked, but for some reason once Large regained his sight, the story became immensly better. The loss of sight instead of being touching ended up almost gimmiky that wasn't used up it's full potential. We are told that his senses are heightened but we don't really get the feel of it. I however felt as if a weight was lifted off the author's sholdures as they could write visually again, and everything seemed clearer and less muddy. I liked Ms. Penderghast, even though she was a bit overdramatised. Slygor is perhaps my favorite character in the entire peice. He is perhaps the most realistic character of the entire lot. Lots of the other characters seemed to soft. I love my sister, she loves me. Blah, no drama. But this character brought movement back into the peice. However, I think that he flew a bit to quickly into a rage and would be better as a cool collected villian for a while and when his facade finally broke we could feel a bit of sympathy, suprise, and connection to him. Nice use of suspense as he lost his sight. Both of these last two parts were really really strong. I especially like the last part of the fourth it was extremely well done and I really felt connected to Large. However I think the bond between Large and his Sister is a bit overdone. If they are very amourous about their sibling love, than they should hug, or show it. If they aren't but quite about it, when they do it should be a big deal. Right now it's just kind of all thought, or said. Overall though it has improved drastically in these next two parts. Really good job Dan. Thanks for the review! I just read your series part, so here goes: Shattering Point: I liked this intro, but at times it was confusing. It could've been written more clearly. At the beginning (in italics), it seemed like you were talking as the owner, and then it shifted. Another point was with what happened in italics. The most I got from it was that a Gelert disappeared in a mansion? Anyways, I think you need to make your sentences more concise, because right now I think you know what you're writing, but it's not as clear to the reader. The descriptions are great. Your imagery is excellent. I wish I could write like this. I really liked how Aranel was set up, but I do think their names could've been revealed earlier in the story. Sara wasn't developed as much, but I'm sure she will eventually, as it is a series. The ending I think could've been more exciting, because right now I'm not overly interested in reading the next part. But I'll stick with it, because if you keep up the descriptions and writing style flowing, this story could blossom into a really good story. Good start. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 17, 2005 23:01:30 GMT -5
Shattering Point:
I liked this intro, but at times it was confusing. It could've been written more clearly. At the beginning (in italics), it seemed like you were talking as the owner, and then it shifted. Another point was with what happened in italics. The most I got from it was that a Gelert disappeared in a mansion? Anyways, I think you need to make your sentences more concise, because right now I think you know what you're writing, but it's not as clear to the reader.
The descriptions are great. Your imagery is excellent. I wish I could write like this. I really liked how Aranel was set up, but I do think their names could've been revealed earlier in the story. Sara wasn't developed as much, but I'm sure she will eventually, as it is a series. The ending I think could've been more exciting, because right now I'm not overly interested in reading the next part. But I'll stick with it, because if you keep up the descriptions and writing style flowing, this story could blossom into a really good story. Good start.
^^
Thanks for the reveiw, but Sarah isn't going to be big in this story at all, which was a mistake, but this story I suppose is about Aranel finding herself, so she has to leave her mother, or owner Sarah. ^^ Yeah I just was thinking about how that could be confusion.
And I'm glad you like my style.
Yeah the next part is going to be a lot more interesting, most of this was just set-up. I feel guilty though the set-up should be the most interesting part lol.
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Post by Dan on Dec 17, 2005 23:08:54 GMT -5
Shattering Point: I liked this intro, but at times it was confusing. It could've been written more clearly. At the beginning (in italics), it seemed like you were talking as the owner, and then it shifted. Another point was with what happened in italics. The most I got from it was that a Gelert disappeared in a mansion? Anyways, I think you need to make your sentences more concise, because right now I think you know what you're writing, but it's not as clear to the reader. The descriptions are great. Your imagery is excellent. I wish I could write like this. I really liked how Aranel was set up, but I do think their names could've been revealed earlier in the story. Sara wasn't developed as much, but I'm sure she will eventually, as it is a series. The ending I think could've been more exciting, because right now I'm not overly interested in reading the next part. But I'll stick with it, because if you keep up the descriptions and writing style flowing, this story could blossom into a really good story. Good start. ^^ Thanks for the reveiw, but Sarah isn't going to be big in this story at all, which was a mistake, but this story I suppose is about Aranel finding herself, so she has to leave her mother, or owner Sarah. ^^ Yeah I just was thinking about how that could be confusion. And I'm glad you like my style. Yeah the next part is going to be a lot more interesting, most of this was just set-up. I feel guilty though the set-up should be the most interesting part lol. I'll be looking forward to it. ;D |
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Post by Kiddo on Dec 18, 2005 1:27:03 GMT -5
I hate asking, but whadya all think of "About Sunburn"? Doesn't really need a review, just wanna know if anyone read/enjoyed it.
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Post by Huntress on Dec 18, 2005 10:09:44 GMT -5
Lessee now...
Shattering Point: Part One: heh, the beginning was a deja vu for me x3 Before getting behind the computer, I had just read Lord of the Rings, the chapter in which Aragorn leads his company to the Paths of the Dead.
Anyway, I really liked how the point of view changed at the beginning. It gave the story more variety. All that looking-at-the-house part got a bit, hm, stretchy though. But I guess it was necessary, as the description of the house was really good. It built a nicely dramatic scenery, if you know what I mean...
Don't take my review that seriously, English isn't my first language so I prefer reading stories that have light vocabulary and always something going on x.X; But still I'd say that it was a good start for a series. Starting a story is the hardest part and you've done a good job with that ^^
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Post by Deleted on Dec 18, 2005 11:12:22 GMT -5
Shattering Point: Part One: heh, the beginning was a deja vu for me x3 Before getting behind the computer, I had just read Lord of the Rings, the chapter in which Aragorn leads his company to the Paths of the Dead.
Anyway, I really liked how the point of view changed at the beginning. It gave the story more variety. All that looking-at-the-house part got a bit, hm, stretchy though. But I guess it was necessary, as the description of the house was really good. It built a nicely dramatic scenery, if you know what I mean...
Don't take my review that seriously, English isn't my first language so I prefer reading stories that have light vocabulary and always something going on x.X; But still I'd say that it was a good start for a series. Starting a story is the hardest part and you've done a good job with that ^^
Yeah I can understand how the house part could get a bit boring. ^^ But it really was nessary, as the house is really the biggest character in the entire book.
And auctually little sidenote: Aranel is Sarah in elfish, so I'm not suprised that reminded you of LOTR. It is a bit of an allusion, that Aranel is really quite a lot like Sarah, except too deeply embroiled in Fantasy, thus the Elvish translation.
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Post by Huntress on Dec 18, 2005 13:04:01 GMT -5
The Mask of Calendroh: Whoa. One really good story. They should've made a custom picture for that, I know my imagination ran wild when I was reading it. Lazy NT artists. All that hopping back and forth between different scenes got a bit confusing but it kept the story going and always gave an overview of what was going on. Generally a better idea than constant flashbacks (which are usually twice as confusing o.0) And the idea itself? Thumbs up :3 Even if the storyline was pretty predictable, I would've been disappointed if Claire's legend hadn't been true. And then there hadn't been much of a story either, aye? Altogether one story I really enjoyed. And auctually little sidenote: Aranel is Sarah in elfish, so I'm not suprised that reminded you of LOTR. It is a bit of an allusion, that Aranel is really quite a lot like Sarah, except too deeply embroiled in Fantasy, thus the Elvish translation. Hm, wasn't there a webpage where you could translate names into Elvish? I know I've seen something like that. I wouldn't mind knowing what my name sounds like in Elvish... o.0
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Awesome job.
neo username - dan4884 
I know what you mean about the text. I was having trouble keeping it from looking cramped; I guess I didn't do so well at finding a solution. 
Anyways, you're right about the fact that the story could've been shorter. I'm very bad at cutting things out and editing, something I need to work on. xP; 
