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Post by Tashni on Oct 17, 2005 21:33:17 GMT -5
Always at Home by genius5000x - I really liked the idea of a Neopet leaving home to work. That's a scenario I don't see too often in the NT. (Not that I'm a regular reader. Bad Tashni!) He was having a hard time, I felt bad for him. However, there were a couple flaws. The focus of the story in the beginning was on the hard and low-paying work MP had to do. But in the end, apparently what he was REALLY struggling with was his isolation. That, IMO, should have been highlighted better in the beginning. A bit repetative as far as word choise in the end. It was all "just like ____ would have done." I understand that needed to be stated several times, but it needed to be diversified just a bit. Other than that, good story. I liked it.
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Post by Nut on Oct 17, 2005 21:59:12 GMT -5
ChatterboxI like how it begins with Glitter chattering away, though all the pet names and species in the beginning can get confusing to someone who isn't familiar with your pets (I've read enough of your stories before that I just knew them right away). I don't think that the problem there was that they were introduced too quickly, but because it wasn't made clear which pet had which name. Sweet is introduced and then the Striped Kacheek is mentioned, without drawing a connection between the two. It might have been better to make it obvious which name belonged to which pet, like you did with Angel in the sentence "Angel the pink Jetsam". I thought Angel's character was portrayed well here, especially when he walked in on the surprise party and managed to stay happy and excited even though his siblings were clearly upset that the surprise was ruined. The story was traditional; overall, I liked the story because of how well you showed your pets' characters. The title of the story seems to indicate that this is intentional, focusing on an aspect of Glitter's character (that is, being a chatterbox), rather than the plot. Good work! Roses in the SnowA wonderful story! It is a highly original idea, and the descriptions are beautiful. The way you write about the snow, the cold air, the skiers and the contest, all creates a sharp picture of what is happening. I liked how you mentioned that Kali was making sure that she'd left what she didn't need at the competitor's lounge. All through the story, the descriptions were just fantastic. I thought that the Acara who spoke to Kali was a stranger until you introduced him as her friend. Their conversation did seem a bit forced, but I can understand that, since being so close to the start of the race was probably taking their focus off of talking. Nathan didn't really seem to play much of a role, however, and although the reader is made to understand that he is a humorous character, that fact is never shown in the story. It hardly matters, though, when the rest of the story is as good as it is. The descriptions of the race were excellent; the action was all there in a crisp portrait of the event, without having too much detail. When the mystery Usul arrived, the story launched into a new level of excitement. Not once did I suspect that the stranger was the very skier who had disappeared in the last year's race. I had assumed at the beginning that you had tossed in that detail as just an extra touch to add to the story, but now it had real meaning. The Usul's fading way about her is chilling, rendering her as almost a ghostly creature. The part about the roses at the end was a lovely final scene in this story. Terrific job! Always at HomeWell, this was an interesting story, mainly because of the subject matter. I liked seeing a story about jobs and the economy, and to see that it was really affecting a young Lupe's life. I thought it a bit odd that a family exactly like Matrixpaw's family would come to his restaurant to order, and actually thought that it was his family and was waiting and waiting for him to recognize them (though I kept wondering to myself why there were four pets, since if it were Matrixpaw's own family, there would have been only three since Matrixpaw would've been one of them!). But, all in all, this was a nice story on a topic that I don't see very often. Gallery BluesThis is a nice story. I like Burb's character for some reason, and enjoyed reading about his descriptions of the other galleries he'd visited that day. It was a traditional storyline; Kyra's gallery had to win. Still, it was fun to read about how the friends made the gallery look nice enough to take the prize, and in just three days. I know it's taken me longer than that to make a gallery that wouldn't stand a chance of winning a contest. For a first publication, this is very good! And I just love the custom pic...*huggles image* I really can't get over that picture for some reason... So, there you have it, my four short story reviews to add to all the other reviews of the same four stories. To those who haven't gotten their work reviewed yet, this reviewer intends to get to the continued series soon, so don't lose hope. 
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Post by Tashni on Oct 17, 2005 22:14:06 GMT -5
(I apologize if posting only one review at a time is against some sort of ettequite here. I'm really not sure how many I can review, so I'm going one at a time.)
How to Have Fun With the Lab Map by for_making_layouts - I REALLY liked this. The main character is entertaining and charismatic. She handles herself like the spoiled Neopet she is. Very articulate, no obvious grammar or punctuation errors. I loved the end, which was nicely foreshadowed by the beginning. All in all, one of the better written stories I've seen in awhile, if not fantastically original.
EDIT: Well, since no one else has posted again, I'll put a second review on this post!
The New Family Member by animalnutz1993 - Cute, sugary sweet. Easily read, but nothing special as far as the writing goes. I liked Loretta, she had real feelings. I also liked that the baby calls her "Retta," which I think was a nice touch. I've seen many plots similar to this, but it is a nice story.
EDIT: A third!
Gallery Blues by falcon970 - Overall, this is an okay story. The beginning had me very confused as to who was talking to who. The writer was trying to use diverse language as opposed to "he said she said," but it didn't work out that well. I also wasn't sure about the Bruce's accent, was he british or a country boy? I'm not sure. Nice hook in the beginning, but several logic issues. For instance, isn't it amazing that the prize happens to be the EXACT amount of NP they need? I would have liked something close to what they needed, but not EXACTLY. Also, it really irritated me that they made an award-winning plushie gallery in 3 days when they're broke. Plushie galleries are among the largest, most extensive, hard to maintain, and expensive of all galleries. Also, the Bruce gave them the prize right away, even though I doubt theirs was the last gallery he was planning on looking at. It would have been better if he'd looked at several other galleries and then came back. Overall, it was nice, if just because there was a nice hook in the beginning.
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Post by cloudybliss on Oct 18, 2005 9:16:45 GMT -5
Any & all reviews for Shades of Grey: Part One would be appreciated!
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Post by Tashni on Oct 19, 2005 2:05:16 GMT -5
A few comic reviews:
Nerkmid Mania - Nerkmid throwing stars . . . Hehe. The panel design was very good, and the art was good also, the only problem was the image quality. Oh well. It was funny, I just liked the whole "nerkmid throwing stars" concept. Not bad a chibi aisha, either.
Sand Hassle Castle - FUNNY! Original, and pretty good art.
Teed Off - It took me a minute to get it, but I believe it's refering to a Tyrannian game I don't play. So, it's pretty good, I just wasn't its target audience. ^_^'
Halloween Part P2 - Really very nice art! Hehe, Eliv Thade . . . I can't tell you more without spoiling the punchline. It's good.
Randomness No. 1 - A bit small, and no real artwork to speak of. But, it was cute. That poor Poppit! I look forward to seeing where this comic writer goes.
As Much as a Bori Can Take - VERY nice art! I love the backgrounds. (Something I need to work on.) It was pretty funny, too, although I can't say I didn't see it coming.
Nonsensanity - Ahaha! I feel your pain, PetPet restocker. Now I really wonder about that Florg.
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Post by Fj0rd on Oct 19, 2005 8:03:19 GMT -5
Thanks for the reviews, everyone! Yes, I'm quite fond of my 'semicolors'. I'll try to work on that, though ^^ As well as my dialogue... I think I was focusing more on description for this story, and so didn't write/edit the dialogue as well as the rest.
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Post by podgeb on Oct 19, 2005 13:59:59 GMT -5
Hi, can anyone review mine?
Bit late in the week, but Im Podgeb on neopets.
I wrote about the tax beast - reviews appreciated (i cant spell unfortunately...)
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Post by Tashni on Oct 19, 2005 20:05:56 GMT -5
Achieving Flight by lost_desert_girl - Very good idea! A plushie pteri who can't fly. Very good beginning and middle, but the ending was very disappointing. First off, it was very illogical that a pteri on a bench can go faster than one with wings. But I could live with that. The real problem was that she TOLD the race, %100. There was no experience, no tension, no emotion. If she'd kept the detail going from the earlier parts of the story, it would have been REALLY good.
The Tax Beast - Evil or Lost Soul? by podgeb - Nice interview, I like the idea of George. The interview with Mr Skeith was good, too. All of the "NO COMMENTS" really fit the tax beast. But, IMO, and no offense, it wasn't anything really special. I would have liked to hear more of the different character voices. Then again, I'm not generally a fan of interviews.
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Post by podgeb on Oct 20, 2005 10:58:04 GMT -5
Tashni - Thanks for the comments.
Im gonna put them into use next article.
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Post by TC - Back From the Dead... on Oct 20, 2005 11:57:52 GMT -5
What, you think you were the first person to use the "Rewarded with Cookies" idea? I dunno who started it, but I used it a few times, and I'm sure they were before I knew you...sorry. Anyway, having said that, I'm feeling rather peckish, so I'll try to get around to reviewing the whol thing when it's actually finished, okay? |
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Post by Tashni on Oct 20, 2005 19:41:09 GMT -5
I can do a couple reviews. Anything anyone wants reviewed before the next issue comes out? If it hasn't been reviewed before, I'll give it priority.
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Post by Tiger on Oct 20, 2005 20:33:59 GMT -5
If anyone doesn't mind, I'd like reviews of Avalon and The Emerald Noil Gem: Avalon's Apprentice: Part 6
Or maybe it's seven...I can't remember.
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Post by Nut on Oct 21, 2005 19:17:19 GMT -5
Never Wish to Fly: Part Four
You continue advancing the story, and while the plotline is just a little cliche, it's interesting and it's nice how you switch between Glia and Pangra's views as they each work towards their own goal that are undoubtedly related. I like the idea of the creepy house with the one presentable room. I might have broken the third paragraph of the story up into smaller sections, but that's just me. I'm curious to know what's going to happen to Glia now that she has gone unconscious. You're quite good at leaving cliffhangers. I did notice one small typo, where the servant says that the master has been "excepting" Glia instead of "expecting", but that doesn't really matter.
Avalon and the Emerald Noil Gem: Part Six
Interesting, of course. I didn't expect Avalon's apprentice to make an appearance, so it kept me interested when I found her entering the story. I didn't expect her to be a thief, either, which is a refreshing twist on her character. It did seem a little bit unlikely to me that Silverdrop would be so trusting with Avalon when he, a stranger, says that she's to be his apprentice and she acts more ashamed than indignant in her disbelief, and tells him all about her thieving ways. But this is just part of her slightly childish personality, so that's all right. All in all, the entrance of Avalon's apprentice, among other things, makes this part of the story an interesting one.
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Post by Tiger on Oct 21, 2005 20:07:21 GMT -5
Thanks Nut! *Gives you Weewoo shaped cookie*
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Post by Deleted on Oct 21, 2005 20:20:55 GMT -5
Never Wish to Fly: Part FourYou continue advancing the story, and while the plotline is just a little cliche, it's interesting and it's nice how you switch between Glia and Pangra's views as they each work towards their own goal that are undoubtedly related. I like the idea of the creepy house with the one presentable room. I might have broken the third paragraph of the story up into smaller sections, but that's just me. I'm curious to know what's going to happen to Glia now that she has gone unconscious. You're quite good at leaving cliffhangers. I did notice one small typo, where the servant says that the master has been "excepting" Glia instead of "expecting", but that doesn't really matter. Thanks for the review! |
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