Post by Sq on Nov 27, 2011 12:14:38 GMT -5
Hello, NTWF. I love you, I really do.
First of all, if I have ever taken out any frustrations on you personally, or hurt your feelings, or anything like that, I want to apologize. I really love each and every person here. If for some reason you believe that I do not like you, I want you to know that I love you. I find it really hard to dislike people, because I am a person myself, and I have done quite terrible things, and I don't expect anyone else to be perfect since I am far from it.
Anyway, on Saturday I kind of had a strange self-realization experience.
And... I guess I finally want to share my story, so... here goes.
For the past 3 years or so I have been struggling with all sorts of... mental health and self-esteem problems... when I was in my final year of high school, I felt invisible, like all my friends liked each other more than they liked me. When I hung out with my two best friends, they talked to each other instead of me and had all these inside jokes I wasn't apart of. I felt like an outcast within my own group of friends. The boy I liked (and I thought he liked me too) suddenly stopped talking to me one day. I became very depressed. I felt like I was worth no one's time.
I thought, maybe I can change that. Maybe if I looked different, or acted different, or... something, maybe those things would change.
I couldn't stop comparing myself to other people, couldn't stop wishing I had things other people had. A nice body, hair, cool cred, etc. For some reason I became very unhappy with my weight, which was silly since I was at an extremely healthy place for my height and age... not a pound overweight. Even so, I stopped eating anyway, and started making myself throw up when I ate something "bad." I had once overheard one of my friends talking about purging up a cupcake at lunch and I thought if other people I know did it, it must not be so bad.
Anyway, that little experiment only lasted a month or so. One night I was in the bathroom, throwing up, and I turned the sink on so my parents wouldn't be able to hear. When I was done, I realized that the sink had been clogged and the water had overflowed all over the counter and onto the floor. I panicked. I realized how stupid I was being. I cleaned up the mess and told myself I'd never purge again.
And I started eating like a normal person again. I just like food too much. I couldn't fool myself. What the hell was I thinking? So I gained the weight back and it seemed like I was even more depressed.
Near the end of high school I started experimenting with a certain drug, started hanging out with a different group of friends, and my best friend at the time found out and was very hurt. She threatened to tell my parents about it, and I felt so betrayed by her that I stopped talking to her and ultimately threw our friendship down the drain. I also started to lose my faith, which made it very hard to live in a household where my mom was a Sunday school teacher and I was forced to go to church every Sunday. I fell into this crazy existential depression. I didn't see the point in life, felt totally meaningless, and I agonized about it for ages.
When I started college, I started having terrible panic attacks that would keep me up for hours every night. I would wake up, unable to stop shaking or crying and not even my mom laying in bed with me could make me feel better. Around the same time, I developed a jaw disorder, TMJ, which is, in simplest terms, the joint in your jaw working wrong and hurting all the time. I was in terrible pain every day, and in constant anxiety that the condition would get worse. It was literally always on my mind. I became a terrible hypochondriac. I could never stop worrying about anything. I couldn't escape from the constant cycle of worry.
One day, I remember it was my little brother's birthday and we went out for sushi, I woke up unable to open my mouth more than about a half an inch. I couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop panicking, couldn't stop worrying. I just wanted my body to work normally.
Since I was under such stress, I took a term off of school to try and get better. I think that was good for me. I don't know how I would have survived trying to deal with that much anxiety. My therapist prescribed me some anti-anxiety medication, and I took that for a while, and I stopped having panic attacks.
My second year of college went much better -- my jaw hurt less, I wasn't having panic attacks. Still, I was unhappy... for some reason. I think a lot of it had to do with living at home. I was 19 and still hadn't gone out in the real world yet. Still hadn't tried to be independent. I was still depending on my parents and boyfriend to do everything for me. And I had zero self-esteem. I started trying to dress better, thinking that maybe if I was more stylish I would like myself better, or people would find me easier to talk to, or something. But that didn't last long because it just wasn't me. I felt weird in different clothes. I was trying to be someone I wasn't.
So naturally, the depression continued. It was like I was sad and I didn't even know why. I just wanted to stop hurting all the time, and I was desperate for any way to feel better. I didn't like the idea of taking SSRIs anymore so I started self-medicating with alcohol and other stuff. It was the easiest thing I could do to dull the pain. Also, it was fun. A lot of fun.
Around the same time, I started self-mutilating again. I had done it a little in high school, but only once or twice. This time, I started relying on it when I felt bad. And it worked. It was the only coping mechanism I had, and even though it was self-destructive it made me feel better in the moment. Kind of like the drugs.
On average, I was sober only a couple days a week. When I moved out of my parents' house and transferred colleges this year, I was under the influence of something literally every day. I guess technically these things are still going on, because not enough time has passed where I can say that it was in the past. I haven't self-mutilated in... a couple weeks, I think, though.
The point is, I think I finally want to change. My therapist tried to make me see a drug and alcohol counselor and I refused. Because the thing about that is, nobody can make you change... no one can make you happier. For a long time I went to my therapist, hoping she'd magically make me feel better. But I finally realized that if I want to be happy, I have to really, REALLY want to be happy, and really REALLY want to change.
I think I'm finally at that point of wanting to change. I want to stop self-mutilating. Because the scars are ugly. I look at them and think, "How could I have done that to myself?" I'm way too beautiful for that...
I want to be happy. I deserve to be. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I'm done wallowing in self-pity all the time. I'm going to stand up for myself. I don't want to run away anymore.
Because it's come to the point where drugs aren't even fun anymore. I think that's when you know you have a problem: when you aren't doing it for fun anymore, you're just doing it to stop hurting. When I got to my new school, I immediately surrounded myself with people who had the same bad habits as me. It's mostly just really sad, because my friends are hurting too. Because there is no way a person drinks themselves sick every night and doesn't have some sort of problem they're trying to deal with. They're all hurting, and that hurts me and makes me wish I could help. But really, the only thing I can do right now is help myself.
So anyway, on Saturday I came to the realization that I'm basically addicted to drugs. That was scary. Really scary. I also came to the realization that I deserve to be happy, and I want to be happy, and I want to stop hating myself. I deserve to be loved, and I am a beautiful person, and I truly want to start loving myself. I hope that I can.
When I was little, I was sexually abused... I grew up with two brothers... sometimes I really hate being a female. I hate being the butt of stupid sexist jokes people tell and then try to excuse themselves from and laugh off. Words hurt. Words hurt a lot. I hate having old men think they can, like, caress my arms or creepily hit on me just because I'm a pretty girl. I hate all the stupid, stupid sexist stuff stupid people say, and they don't even realize they're being sexist, and all the ignorant people, and it's really hard for me to be a girl, and it's hard being a woman in a man's world, but I'm trying to be strong and I'm trying to not let myself be oppressed.
I have a lot of interpersonal problems, I take everything way too personally, I push people away when they get too close because I'm afraid they won't like who I am or what they see inside me. I want to stop that. I want to let people in. I think for so long I went unnoticed because I treated myself like I wasn't a person. For such a long time I had no idea who I was, had no sense of identity... so how could I have expected anyone else to notice me as a person?
I'm finally starting to foster an identity... finally starting to realize that I should just do what I love and act how I want to act and not worry about what people think. Because in the grand scheme of things, one person's opinion really doesn't matter... especially if it's a bad opinion. No one's better than me, and I'm not better than anyone else. I'm just a human being. And so is everyone else.
Some things I have learned:
-Do what you love to do, no matter what. In my case, it's writing. I really love to write. It's all I ever want to do. I am majoring in Philosophy because I like philosophy and it gives me ideas for art. And art makes me happy. So do what you like to do, even if your family thinks it sucks or even if it won't get you a lot of money.
-Money sucks.
-So do material things. Don't let them define who you are. Those girls with iPhones really aren't any better than the girls who don't have them.
-Technology is dehumanizing and the more you use it, the more you WILL be depressed. Stay away as much as possible, but do use it to keep in touch with the ones you love.
-Not that Internet relationships can't be good, but get off the computer every once in a while and make a new friend you can see and touch. It's great.
-If people think you like them, chances are, they'll like you too.
-Your body is beautiful and you shouldn't change it for anyone else.
-For that matter, you shouldn't change anything about you for anyone else.
-Like the things you like because you like them, not because anyone else does.
-If someone's acting like hot stuff, roll your eyes and let them live out their fantasy land delusions. No one is THAT great. Especially you. Stay humble!
-"Make your own kind of music, sing your own special song. Even if nobody else sings along." Don't try to live through other people's experiences. Make your own.
-Try to love yourself. Please. You deserve to be happy.
-Celebrate the small stuff.
-Art is a great form of therapy.
-Talk to people! People aren't as scary as you think!
-Love the ones who love you. Even love the ones who don't.
Um... I think that's it. I feel like I just really needed to get this out there, because I have been coming to this forum for 9 years now and I basically grew up here and it's basically my home away from home. Even if I'm not the most active member nowadays, the NTWF and its members will always have a place in my heart. I really love you guys... even if sometimes things get dramatic or boring or different. Change is hard, but things are always changing.
If you are having any problems similar to the things I just talked about (or even if they aren't similar at all), you can definitely PM me and I'll definitely try to help. I'll always be willing to listen.
<3 Squiesh
First of all, if I have ever taken out any frustrations on you personally, or hurt your feelings, or anything like that, I want to apologize. I really love each and every person here. If for some reason you believe that I do not like you, I want you to know that I love you. I find it really hard to dislike people, because I am a person myself, and I have done quite terrible things, and I don't expect anyone else to be perfect since I am far from it.
Anyway, on Saturday I kind of had a strange self-realization experience.
And... I guess I finally want to share my story, so... here goes.
For the past 3 years or so I have been struggling with all sorts of... mental health and self-esteem problems... when I was in my final year of high school, I felt invisible, like all my friends liked each other more than they liked me. When I hung out with my two best friends, they talked to each other instead of me and had all these inside jokes I wasn't apart of. I felt like an outcast within my own group of friends. The boy I liked (and I thought he liked me too) suddenly stopped talking to me one day. I became very depressed. I felt like I was worth no one's time.
I thought, maybe I can change that. Maybe if I looked different, or acted different, or... something, maybe those things would change.
I couldn't stop comparing myself to other people, couldn't stop wishing I had things other people had. A nice body, hair, cool cred, etc. For some reason I became very unhappy with my weight, which was silly since I was at an extremely healthy place for my height and age... not a pound overweight. Even so, I stopped eating anyway, and started making myself throw up when I ate something "bad." I had once overheard one of my friends talking about purging up a cupcake at lunch and I thought if other people I know did it, it must not be so bad.
Anyway, that little experiment only lasted a month or so. One night I was in the bathroom, throwing up, and I turned the sink on so my parents wouldn't be able to hear. When I was done, I realized that the sink had been clogged and the water had overflowed all over the counter and onto the floor. I panicked. I realized how stupid I was being. I cleaned up the mess and told myself I'd never purge again.
And I started eating like a normal person again. I just like food too much. I couldn't fool myself. What the hell was I thinking? So I gained the weight back and it seemed like I was even more depressed.
Near the end of high school I started experimenting with a certain drug, started hanging out with a different group of friends, and my best friend at the time found out and was very hurt. She threatened to tell my parents about it, and I felt so betrayed by her that I stopped talking to her and ultimately threw our friendship down the drain. I also started to lose my faith, which made it very hard to live in a household where my mom was a Sunday school teacher and I was forced to go to church every Sunday. I fell into this crazy existential depression. I didn't see the point in life, felt totally meaningless, and I agonized about it for ages.
When I started college, I started having terrible panic attacks that would keep me up for hours every night. I would wake up, unable to stop shaking or crying and not even my mom laying in bed with me could make me feel better. Around the same time, I developed a jaw disorder, TMJ, which is, in simplest terms, the joint in your jaw working wrong and hurting all the time. I was in terrible pain every day, and in constant anxiety that the condition would get worse. It was literally always on my mind. I became a terrible hypochondriac. I could never stop worrying about anything. I couldn't escape from the constant cycle of worry.
One day, I remember it was my little brother's birthday and we went out for sushi, I woke up unable to open my mouth more than about a half an inch. I couldn't stop crying, couldn't stop panicking, couldn't stop worrying. I just wanted my body to work normally.
Since I was under such stress, I took a term off of school to try and get better. I think that was good for me. I don't know how I would have survived trying to deal with that much anxiety. My therapist prescribed me some anti-anxiety medication, and I took that for a while, and I stopped having panic attacks.
My second year of college went much better -- my jaw hurt less, I wasn't having panic attacks. Still, I was unhappy... for some reason. I think a lot of it had to do with living at home. I was 19 and still hadn't gone out in the real world yet. Still hadn't tried to be independent. I was still depending on my parents and boyfriend to do everything for me. And I had zero self-esteem. I started trying to dress better, thinking that maybe if I was more stylish I would like myself better, or people would find me easier to talk to, or something. But that didn't last long because it just wasn't me. I felt weird in different clothes. I was trying to be someone I wasn't.
So naturally, the depression continued. It was like I was sad and I didn't even know why. I just wanted to stop hurting all the time, and I was desperate for any way to feel better. I didn't like the idea of taking SSRIs anymore so I started self-medicating with alcohol and other stuff. It was the easiest thing I could do to dull the pain. Also, it was fun. A lot of fun.
Around the same time, I started self-mutilating again. I had done it a little in high school, but only once or twice. This time, I started relying on it when I felt bad. And it worked. It was the only coping mechanism I had, and even though it was self-destructive it made me feel better in the moment. Kind of like the drugs.
On average, I was sober only a couple days a week. When I moved out of my parents' house and transferred colleges this year, I was under the influence of something literally every day. I guess technically these things are still going on, because not enough time has passed where I can say that it was in the past. I haven't self-mutilated in... a couple weeks, I think, though.
The point is, I think I finally want to change. My therapist tried to make me see a drug and alcohol counselor and I refused. Because the thing about that is, nobody can make you change... no one can make you happier. For a long time I went to my therapist, hoping she'd magically make me feel better. But I finally realized that if I want to be happy, I have to really, REALLY want to be happy, and really REALLY want to change.
I think I'm finally at that point of wanting to change. I want to stop self-mutilating. Because the scars are ugly. I look at them and think, "How could I have done that to myself?" I'm way too beautiful for that...
I want to be happy. I deserve to be. I don't want to be depressed anymore. I'm done wallowing in self-pity all the time. I'm going to stand up for myself. I don't want to run away anymore.
Because it's come to the point where drugs aren't even fun anymore. I think that's when you know you have a problem: when you aren't doing it for fun anymore, you're just doing it to stop hurting. When I got to my new school, I immediately surrounded myself with people who had the same bad habits as me. It's mostly just really sad, because my friends are hurting too. Because there is no way a person drinks themselves sick every night and doesn't have some sort of problem they're trying to deal with. They're all hurting, and that hurts me and makes me wish I could help. But really, the only thing I can do right now is help myself.
So anyway, on Saturday I came to the realization that I'm basically addicted to drugs. That was scary. Really scary. I also came to the realization that I deserve to be happy, and I want to be happy, and I want to stop hating myself. I deserve to be loved, and I am a beautiful person, and I truly want to start loving myself. I hope that I can.
When I was little, I was sexually abused... I grew up with two brothers... sometimes I really hate being a female. I hate being the butt of stupid sexist jokes people tell and then try to excuse themselves from and laugh off. Words hurt. Words hurt a lot. I hate having old men think they can, like, caress my arms or creepily hit on me just because I'm a pretty girl. I hate all the stupid, stupid sexist stuff stupid people say, and they don't even realize they're being sexist, and all the ignorant people, and it's really hard for me to be a girl, and it's hard being a woman in a man's world, but I'm trying to be strong and I'm trying to not let myself be oppressed.
I have a lot of interpersonal problems, I take everything way too personally, I push people away when they get too close because I'm afraid they won't like who I am or what they see inside me. I want to stop that. I want to let people in. I think for so long I went unnoticed because I treated myself like I wasn't a person. For such a long time I had no idea who I was, had no sense of identity... so how could I have expected anyone else to notice me as a person?
I'm finally starting to foster an identity... finally starting to realize that I should just do what I love and act how I want to act and not worry about what people think. Because in the grand scheme of things, one person's opinion really doesn't matter... especially if it's a bad opinion. No one's better than me, and I'm not better than anyone else. I'm just a human being. And so is everyone else.
Some things I have learned:
-Do what you love to do, no matter what. In my case, it's writing. I really love to write. It's all I ever want to do. I am majoring in Philosophy because I like philosophy and it gives me ideas for art. And art makes me happy. So do what you like to do, even if your family thinks it sucks or even if it won't get you a lot of money.
-Money sucks.
-So do material things. Don't let them define who you are. Those girls with iPhones really aren't any better than the girls who don't have them.
-Technology is dehumanizing and the more you use it, the more you WILL be depressed. Stay away as much as possible, but do use it to keep in touch with the ones you love.
-Not that Internet relationships can't be good, but get off the computer every once in a while and make a new friend you can see and touch. It's great.
-If people think you like them, chances are, they'll like you too.
-Your body is beautiful and you shouldn't change it for anyone else.
-For that matter, you shouldn't change anything about you for anyone else.
-Like the things you like because you like them, not because anyone else does.
-If someone's acting like hot stuff, roll your eyes and let them live out their fantasy land delusions. No one is THAT great. Especially you. Stay humble!
-"Make your own kind of music, sing your own special song. Even if nobody else sings along." Don't try to live through other people's experiences. Make your own.
-Try to love yourself. Please. You deserve to be happy.
-Celebrate the small stuff.
-Art is a great form of therapy.
-Talk to people! People aren't as scary as you think!
-Love the ones who love you. Even love the ones who don't.
Um... I think that's it. I feel like I just really needed to get this out there, because I have been coming to this forum for 9 years now and I basically grew up here and it's basically my home away from home. Even if I'm not the most active member nowadays, the NTWF and its members will always have a place in my heart. I really love you guys... even if sometimes things get dramatic or boring or different. Change is hard, but things are always changing.
If you are having any problems similar to the things I just talked about (or even if they aren't similar at all), you can definitely PM me and I'll definitely try to help. I'll always be willing to listen.
<3 Squiesh
