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Post by Twillie on Aug 22, 2020 0:27:39 GMT -5
I have a question... about my own identity...
I’ve been seeing posts here and there on the internet that appear to distinguish ace/aro entirely from heterosexual/romantic, but I wanna make sure I’m interpreting them right. Is asexual/aromantic automatically queer, regardless of who you may or may not be attracted to? I think I always kind of assumed that you could simultaneously be ace/aro and het, since the former affects how you feel attraction rather than to who, but is that not actually the case?
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Post by Thorn on Aug 22, 2020 1:16:43 GMT -5
Some people who are asexual/aromantic define themselves as LGBT+- even if they're 'hetero' in some sense- while others don't. So you might be aromantic heterosexual and consider yourself LGBT+, or you might be heteromantic asexual and not consider yourself queer, or LGBT+ in any form. Like so many other aspects of identity, it's about how you define yourself personally. For my part, I consider my asexuality an important part of my identity as a queer person.
The real issue is when sections of the rainbow community try to exclude straight-passing aromantic/asexual people. Because ace and aro people do face many of the same issues as other LGBT+ folks- such as people trying to 'correct' their feelings/identities, and as much belong in the community as anyone else. Individual ace or aro people may not define themself as LGBT for any number of reasons, but yeah it's a Personal Thing.
It sounds like you might not really consider yourself queer by virtue of being ace, and that's okay! And same if you feel otherwise.
(I hope I was correctly understanding the question!)
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Post by Gelquie on Aug 22, 2020 2:12:37 GMT -5
I agree with a lot of what Thorn says, that it's largely a manner of how one sees themselves. If one is ace or aro and also het on the other axis but still sees themselves as not LGBT+, I support that. If they do see themselves as LGBT+ because of that, I support that too. I'll ramble expand a bit and explain why I personally attribute the A to LGBT by default, and why even if I had no other identity about me that was queer, that I would still consider myself queer because of my A aspects. (Short answer, yes, you can be ace/aro and still het, and I see that as LGBT+, but it's up to the person how they use the A label to describe themself.) (I kinda realized after writing this that this may not actually address your question, and maybe this has more to do with identification and what challenges A people experience in the community, and how that can relate to LGBT+ stuff. But I don't wanna delete it either, so spoiler-box it goes. xD ) A lot of what defines LGBT+ is "how different are you from the norm." With the norm being decided as heterosexual heteromantic, or the like. Could probably wobble a little bit without raising any eyebrows.
And for a lot of people, being asexual or aromantic or anything under that umbrella is not "normal". It doesn't fit society's views of "you man, you woman, you breed and fall in love and such" that is so commonplace that I don't feel the need to explain more than that. (I guess I should mention now that I'm mostly speaking from experience of Western societies and can't speak for others. Still, it's not like LGBT+ is only in the West.)
How people respond to it varies, though I'm sure you probably know them. Ranging from acceptance to "okay whatevs" to "my very narrow experience tells me that that can't be a thing and I'm not open to learning!", to "you just haven't found the right person!", then pressure, then... Then it gets ugly.
And if one gets into a relationship, that's where I find there's potential for it to get ugly, if the other is allo -sexual or -romantic, and doesn't get it. And that's all I'll say about that because quite frankly, that's a bit too heavy a subject for me to spontaneously jump into.
I guess what I'm getting at is, a lot of things are set up with the assumption of allo -sexuality or -romanticism, in terms of expectations or structure of things or the like. At best it's out of step with the A experience, at worst there's pressure and possible forced conformity that will never match up with one's true feelings.
And I find that a lot of these experience are unique to the A and the LGBT+ community.
But to keep it positive as well, I guess what I'm also trying to say overall, is that being A in any form is pretty unique compared to the "norm", in a similar way how being any of the other acronyms makes one unique to the "norm" in terms to sexuality, romantic orientation, or gender identity.
Thus, personally, I automatically associate A identities with queer. Queer is a big umbrella term, though, and I generally see each person on a case by case basis. I know that it doesn't automatically mean that that person identifies themself as part of the queer community, though it can possibly mean that. Labels are a self-identification tool; every person is different. Like, I could tell you I'm demiromantic, and that'd be true, but if that's all you knew about me, that probably wouldn't tell you how to approach me. I guess how comfortable one is with seeing themselves as part of the LGBT+ community sorta depends on each person's experience too. Some may have worse experience than others. Some may never have a problem. For me, I only experience the issue if matters of relationships come up or I end up in one. But I definitely also see the difference in everyday discussions, just on a lesser scale. Usually asking me to "look at this cute person," and I have to decide if I want to explain that I mainly just see them as a person, showing how out of step we are with each other in this matter. Sorry I got rambly. I hope what I'm trying to say overall makes sense. xD
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Post by Twillie on Aug 22, 2020 12:21:19 GMT -5
Thanks for the replies, both indeed helped answer my question and confirmed some thoughts I had on the matter! :3 I wrote that late at night, and since thinking about it today I think another reason for my original confusion was terminology, and how I define certain key words vs others. Like, I kinda distinguish queer and LGBT+ from each other, so when I ask if aro/ace is automatically queer, it's not me asking if it's LGBT+ or not. I already consider it as such, so it's more me wondering if being aspec immediately removes you from hetero attraction.
What threw me off then from seeing posts that separate aspec from any kind of hetero attraction is that I know it's possible for one to identify as aspec but- for all they may know- only be attracted to the opposite gender. So when stuff seems to avoid or deny the aspec/hetero combo, I think I got confused on whether they were excluding hetero-attracted aces (since I know that's a way some people gatekeep), or if there's a universal understanding that, while you may be attracted to opposite gender, being aspec still makes it different from hetero attraction.
Thinking about it and how you described it, the latter reasoning makes more sense to me now. While being aspec may not always define who you're attracted to, it still affects your attraction to where it looks different from the typical heteronormative relationship. But of course, like you said, it comes down to personal choice, so it's probably not so much a widely agreed upon thing that I hadn't heard of, but other people using terminology like hetero and allosexual interchangeably that got me confused xD
Thanks again! :3
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Post by Rabbit ♠ on Oct 9, 2020 0:10:51 GMT -5
Well, I never did post here after identifying myself. Why not join in the fun? =D
I recognized that I am not "straight" since either late high school or early college. Looking back, I can see hints of that way back in middle school when the hormones were starting to kick in. /brick'd I went through a number of labels, calling myself things I thought fit. I never really did tell anybody at the time and right now I still have to come out to family.
So I am here to say I am demi bisexual / demi biromantic. ^^ I still prefer men and I am in a relationship with Riel (a man), but I still find women attractive. The labels might change in the future, but these are mine and honestly the first ones that really felt right to me. I can go on about how I settled on this, how I debated for a while whether or not I'm asexual/aromantic, anything like that. But in the end, here I am and I'm happy here.
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Post by Carolyn on Oct 9, 2020 14:02:52 GMT -5
I am an aromantic ace. My mother seems to be supportive, my father kind of, but trying to explain this to my extended family who keep pressuring me to "find a nice guy" is getting a bit frustrating.
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Post by Liou on Oct 11, 2020 7:03:31 GMT -5
Nice to have you here Rabbit ♠ Carolyn, and glad you've found the right labels for you~ (Carolyn after reading your post I immediately imagined you pulling up the latest bird you'd seen and showing it to your family members, telling them "I've met someone special! wanna see?" for trollsies)
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Post by Ginz ❤ on Oct 14, 2020 14:25:59 GMT -5
So uh... does anyone have any tips for coming out to a romantic partner?
At this current moment in time, I think I feel most comfortable identifying just as A-spec. I've previously identified more specifically as Demisexual, and that might still be the most accurate label to describe me, but I've recently been questioning whether I've actually ever really felt sexual attraction, or if it's only been sensual attraction. Do I actually know what sexual attraction feels like, or have I been misidentifying it? Who knows! Either way, I've decided to call myself A-spec Hopeless Romantic for now.
My boyfriend isn't a very sexual person either. I've wondered whether he might also be under the asexuality spectrum, but he might not be, and that's just been his upbringing. I'm not sure. We never really talk about sex, though. I mean, it's not something I'm particularly interested in, and the only times he's ever "brought it up" was by sending me funny memes, which I'll describe for context, but also because they're funny? XD He sent me these months apart, but here they are:
You: Show me what you can do with those hands Me: (picture of salsa)
Angry woman: You told me you had a pleasure room! Cat: That's what I call my library
Woman: Tell me hot things Man: Surface of Venus, the sun's corona, star nucleus... oh, and supernova explosion.
So as you can see, I'm not particularly afraid of his reaction or not being accepted for who I am, or anything like that... it's just more about the awkwardness of it all? I don't know if he's even heard about asexuality before. I feel like I should be prepared to explain it as best I can. We've been together for over a year now, and I feel like, even though it hasn't been an issue at all, I should let him now?
How does one bring up that topic, when it's not something you usually talk about?
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Post by Gelquie on Oct 14, 2020 15:29:17 GMT -5
Ginz ❤ - The fact that he's already given hints in that regard helps a lot to setting up talking to him about it, though it also sounds like you're fairly comfortable as is. But I am one who likes to disclose aceness in relationships because I know it may come up. I think you may be okay directly asking him about it (and also ask if it's a good time to have this conversation), and then having a conversation from there. It may feel awkward at first, but it can also be good to clear the air if you can. A suggestion from me... Are you comfortable with an indirect approach? That is, to bring it up as part of a casual conversation that doesn't necessarily relate to either of you, explain the word if need be, and see how he responds. And then maybe the topic can segue from there into a conversation about aceness and the two of you. That way you can gauge his general response, and then be able to work from a more informed position before you move into the conversation. Either method is up to you, depending on your comfort level, or what you feel you can accomplish.
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Post by Thorn on Dec 1, 2020 16:03:28 GMT -5
Elliot Page came out as transgender! He uses both he/him and they/them pronouns! His letter gets pretty heavy, so I get not everyone will want to read it, but I wanted to share the news. (For those of you less familiar: he's Vanya in the Umbrella Academy and Ariadne in Inception. As well as many other roles!)
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