Issue 259 Reviews!

[Yuka]

A couple more reviews. I've been bogged down with homework recently. Sorry about that.

Roses are Black: Rise to Fame by cmac22066

This was a really enjoyable little story, and it explained the background of the Twisted Roses in a believable and interesting way. Nice work. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but I didn't find any errors to speak of. I hope to see more of your work in the 'times soon!

The Garden: Part One by digital_microwave

The descriptions are vivid and wonderfully written. I was drawn in right from the first paragraph, and I think the scene involving the restoration of the garden was especially beautiful. I can't wait to see what happens next. Great job! Keep it up! n:D

[Tashni]

Sticky Hand - That's cute, a new use for sticky hands! It would have been nice to get that distant panel up close, though, to see the oblivious look on the petpet's face.

Test my Patience - I saw this in the work review chamber. Great job on the final draft! Your drawing is very detailed, it must have taken you forever.

Mutant Doughnut - I haven't seen Chet Flash graffiti in so long! Very nice. The actual joke of the comic is cute, altough common. It might have been better if you could show the plushie draik catching the netspeak disease in some odd way. Did I mention I like the glasses on your Cybunny? I do.

Lessons of Fame - Your comic is so unique. You're one of only a few comics than can actually play with the idea of Neopian Times celebrity, and you do it well. Your characters lend themselves so well to your comic and celebrity! It's no wonder your fans have been asking where you've been.

Luck Out - I did not get this joke until I read your note at the end. By that point, the joke was killed. So, I don't quite know what to say about it. You might have set it up in the beginning as inside the Darkest Faerie. I'm not sure.

Maraquan Meercas are Hard to Hug - The art is so soft and cute! A very sweet comic. I don't see a joke in it, though. Was the word "snorkle" on the paper supposed to mean anything?

[Tashni]

The Garden by digital_microwave -

This chapter contains some beautiful descriptions as well as a glimpse into faerie magic. I'm very interested to see how this fire tree plays a part in the rest of your story. It's always interesting to see Fyora as a child.

I always pick to pieces the first paragraph of any work, it it absolutely crucial. Your average NT reader does not look at every story in the NT, and the ones they do look at are judged on the first 1-3 paragraphs. Your opening paragraph set a visual scene, but there is nothing in there that makes me want to read on. I'll look at it sentence by sentence:

It was a fairly formidable day, saturated with the winds of dry heat, felt even at Faerieland's high altitude.

Can anything be fairly formidabe? That seems kind of contradictory to me. I don't like saturated with wind, saturation implies liquid or something all-consuming. Wind rushes past, over, through. The last bit about altitude I like. It reminds us that Faerieland's weather is cooler, protected.

A little faerie girl with violet hair brushed against an ornately craved wooden banister, going up the stairs.

7 descriptive words in one sentence! I don't care that she brushed past an ornate banister. Maybe one or two pieces of this sentence would have worked, but this whole paragraph is description for description's sake.

She arrived at the top, took a left turn and proceeded to go down to the second last room of the corridor.

I don't care which number door she goes into.

So, do you see what I mean in that this paragraph gives me no desire to read on? I will read on, because I know that you write good stuff, but in this case it might take you a bit to get there.

If you can't restrain from touching everything new and beautiful, imagine what would happen when we learn how to control and use dark magic.

Ooh, am I sensing a bit foreshadowing? THIS has my interest piqued for sure.

Okay, so from when she discovers the garden to the end, I was a little bored. It was more description, little action. I don't know where you're going with this story, but it might have been better to start with Fyora as an adult, letting the reader see Fyora dealing with problems. Then she goes to her mysterious garden as a refuge and then we flashback to her younger days. That way you could give us problems to be interested in while Fyora is an adult, and the mystery of what this garden is and why it is so special to her.

Again, I don't know where you're going with this. I'm interested to see what you're doing, though.

[scorchdragon]

tashni said:

The Garden by digital_microwave -

This chapter contains some beautiful descriptions as well as a glimpse into faerie magic. I'm very interested to see how this fire tree plays a part in the rest of your story. It's always interesting to see Fyora as a child.

I always pick to pieces the first paragraph of any work, it it absolutely crucial. Your average NT reader does not look at every story in the NT, and the ones they do look at are judged on the first 1-3 paragraphs. Your opening paragraph set a visual scene, but there is nothing in there that makes me want to read on. I'll look at it sentence by sentence:

It was a fairly formidable day, saturated with the winds of dry heat, felt even at Faerieland's high altitude.

Can anything be fairly formidabe? That seems kind of contradictory to me. I don't like saturated with wind, saturation implies liquid or something all-consuming. Wind rushes past, over, through. The last bit about altitude I like. It reminds us that Faerieland's weather is cooler, protected.


7 descriptive words in one sentence! I don't care that she brushed past an ornate banister. Maybe one or two pieces of this sentence would have worked, but this whole paragraph is description for description's sake.

I don't care which number door she goes into.

So, do you see what I mean in that this paragraph gives me no desire to read on? I will read on, because I know that you write good stuff, but in this case it might take you a bit to get there.

If you can't restrain from touching everything new and beautiful, imagine what would happen when we learn how to control and use dark magic.

Ooh, am I sensing a bit foreshadowing? THIS has my interest piqued for sure.

Okay, so from when she discovers the garden to the end, I was a little bored. It was more description, little action. I don't know where you're going with this story, but it might have been better to start with Fyora as an adult, letting the reader see Fyora dealing with problems. Then she goes to her mysterious garden as a refuge and then we flashback to her younger days. That way you could give us problems to be interested in while Fyora is an adult, and the mystery of what this garden is and why it is so special to her.

Again, I don't know where you're going with this. I'm interested to see what you're doing, though.

Wow, you've been very helpful, Tashni. It's just that when I submitted it as a short story, it was too long, so it's in this category. For some reason, I like to start my stories with description. Yea, so this part is a little incomplete. I hope the second one will make everything clear.

[Nimras]

Beauty of the Snow: Part Three
by extreme_fj0rd

"No name. I am snow," the Aisha said, with an earnest look.

You know, conversation with her would be maddening.

While I love the imagery you’re using here, there are places where the story drags a bit. I’m not sure if it’s just a side effect of the slow stuff or what.

To her slight surprise, when she turned back, the Aisha was peaceably brushing cinnamon-sugar off her piece of toast.

I’m confused, is the Ashia brushing the stuff of her own toast, or the Techo’s toast?

[Nimras]

Needed Adventure: Part Six
by tdyans

Out of the frying pan and into the fire eh? There’s a reason “May you live in interesting times” is a curse, and not a blessing. I think Enzo is starting to figure that out.

And the ‘building a better Lab Ray’ part is just genius. ;D

[Nimras]

The Garden: Part One
by digital_microwave

Ohhh, pretty picture.

I want one of those trees. FIRE! Muahaha *cough* I mean, so pretty!

I love the garden idea – was it inspired by the card?

[Deleted]

Cartoon reviews... I haven't had time to read the stories yet

Sticky Hand by imogenweasley - written by dan4884
Hee Poor little Puppyblew...

Test my Patience by xpropugnator and gliderames
I'm really glad this one finally got in, and it turned out really well as well I like the joke, and it still makes me smile even though I saw it when you were working on it too. I think the toy he walks away with is a lovely touch too

Mutant Doughnut by sockmonk and frostychica_
Great art, and I like the Chet Flash reference too It's an original idea too, and it made me smile because I hate all the chatspeak on the boards!

Lessons of Fame by ssjelitegirl
Hehe I love the headscarf that Shad is wearing in the last frame

Luck Out by nanoalchemist
I haven't got The Darkest Faerie, but it's still funny even without knowing what it's referring too. Thanks for the explanation at the end though - that helps!

Maraquan Meercas Are Hard to Hug by Krycheck2001
This was my favourite cartoon this week It was so sweet, and I love that a Meepit is in there not being evil! (And you can tell Aeykca that I love her too and would hug her if I could breathe underwater...)

[Deleted]

ThankYou all SO much for the reviews so far (on Test My Patience). I know the 'joke' was going to be given away by posting my progress with it here so many times, but it was worth it, since I got help and finally got it in. ;D I hope it wasn't too much of a pain to see it again. I am sooooo glad to be done with it, at last, -cheers- lol.

- Ame Reviews -

Sticky Hand!
by imogenweasley
Decent Joke.. and Very cute art. I love the expression of the korbat in the last frame. Quite -sigh- Like Indeed.

Test My Patience
by gliderames
That's Me! ;D So I will just thank everyone again for the critiques. (and for the one who said it must have taken forever.. you have NO IDEA, lol. 17 hours for the first draft. And a good 11 hours on four revisions thereafter. Oi! lol).

Mutant Doughnut
by sockmonk
hehe.. Very true story. And it IS funny in an irksome sort of way. (netspeak, your comic isn't irksome, lol). Cute Art, and Cute idea.. Nice affect.

Lessons of Fame
by ssjelitegirl
Always nice to see familiar characters that you already know. Interesting idea for a comic.. 'about getting INTO the NT' Cute! lol. The personalities of the pets are very nicely done. Great artwork, as per usual. I liked it.

Luck Out
by nanoalchemist
Erm.. Well.. I HAVE played the DF game, but I dont know how many other people have, so I'm not sure how many people will get it.. I love Tor too, but.. not the funniest comic. Wicked Long author's note. not a big fan of those, but Gratz on getting in, and good luck for next time too.

Maraquan Meercas Are Hard to Hug
by krychek2001
Well it wasn't a 'joke' and therefore.. no humor. But it was definitely impossible to hold a grudge against because it WAS sweet. Every once in a while, I guess you need a little something different, so I say, nice job.

[Salah~]

I wrote a series called 'Not a Ghost', so I'd really appreciate it if someone told me what they thought of it.

Here it is: neopets.com/ntimes/index.phtml?section=267853&issue=258

[scorchdragon]

nimras23 said:

The Garden: Part One
by digital_microwave

Ohhh, pretty picture.

I want one of those trees. FIRE! Muahaha *cough* I mean, so pretty!

I love the garden idea – was it inspired by the card?

Well, yes, and also the PS2 game, when Roberta visits Faerieland.

[Deleted]

The Garden by digital_microwave

I like this - it's got a very nice feel to it, a bit like The Secret Garden. I'm intrigued to know where the story's going next though - this first part is almost a complete story in itself.


Not a Ghost by moonshadow711

As an idea, this is really good, although I didn't think it would be when you started with all the details about school (is that going to be relevent later on?). However, 12 paragraphs in it starts to get much more interesting, so I'm looking forward to the next part

[Salah~]

rookina said:

Not a Ghost by moonshadow711

As an idea, this is really good, although I didn't think it would be when you started with all the details about school (is that going to be relevent later on?). However, 12 paragraphs in it starts to get much more interesting, so I'm looking forward to the next part

I think I have a bad habit of decribing things that have nothing to do with the story. I actually had to abandon a story once because of this tendency.

[Deleted]

Here are the last reviews I'll be able to do this week.
I know, they're only for Needed Adventure and Beauty of the Snow, but I can't do any more than that.
See...though I really, really enjoying reading everything here, it simply takes more time than I have. As it is, I've fallen behind in a lot of things, and I'll need to catch up in those before I can return here.
I'll try to review more for the next few issues until November, when NaNoWriMo begins, but I may be limited to reviewing comics and finishing these series for a while.
So...I hope you'll all understand. I'm sure most of you will.

* * *

Needed Adventure: Part Six by tdyans
Towards the beginning of this part, I was struck with the curiosity as to why they needed Whooter to unlock the front door as well. It just seems that a front door would lock from the inside as well as the outside, so that seemed unnecessary to me. Reading past that point, though, I came to see how it was essential to the story. However, it still seemed odd at first... Then, I have to admit, I laughed when I read, NeoTech: Building the Better Lab Ray.

The ending of this part actually reminds me of the short story I have in issue 260. It's funny, too, as I wrote that a few weeks ago.
ANYWAYS, another great part, and once again I am left waiting for the next part!

Beauty of the Snow: Part Three by extreme_fj0rd
"Nearly as old ad Inga"? I'm sorry, but I just did not see that; I got the impression that Inga was older, more like a mother, in her late twenties early thirty, by human standards. As for Lia, I always pictured her being more like eight or nine, if not a bit younger, though maybe as old as twelve. Maybe I missed something, but I don't see them being the same age. Again, though, reading past this point, I could see how maybe they are both in their late teens, early twenties (again, by human standards), but that idea was not my first impression, which made that realization harder to grasp.

I enjoyed this part for a few reasons. First, seeing the world through Lia's eyes is really interesting and was very well-written. Further, she now has a name. Finally, not much time has elapsed since the first part. The way you've accomplished this is nice and is not...hard to read, as other things that I have read of this length that take place in roughly the same amount of time. Again, I really enjoyed this part.

[Yuka]

If anyone is planning to do any more reviews, I'd love to get one for my short story, Isaiko. I know I haven't done that many this week, but it's a busy time at college and I've had very little free time. If I get some time tomorrow, I'll try and review a few more stories. Thanks in advance for putting up with my selfishness! *hides*