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Post by Nimras on Sept 11, 2006 18:18:15 GMT -5
Don't Blame ME
by choclated
What to do when you suddenly get more than what you can handle of what you wished for…
I remember you said you had to change this one, does it impact the continuation?
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Post by Nimras on Sept 11, 2006 18:20:14 GMT -5
No Game Here: Turmac Jam
hello5346 art by m3rcuri
Ewww. So that’s where ‘wildberry’ jam comes from… ;D Very cute.
I like the motion effect, and the random splotches of color from previously squished berries.
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Post by Nimras on Sept 11, 2006 18:25:17 GMT -5
"Castles by nimras23
I really liked this story. The descriptions were excellent and I loved hearing about the Lupe family. The idea is fun, and the ending was sweet. Nicely done. =) "
"Castles by nimras23
I love swow, too! *again, couldn't resist*
It started off slowly, but then again, I was also a bit distracted (fond memories often inspire me, or at least distract me - so you can blame Dan for that *lol* - and, for some unknown reason, I am feeling a bit gleeful at the moment, and that often preoccupies my mind). As I read on, though, I noticed that you have an awesome sense of description and that is great. The story did not move as quickly as I might have hoped (I like things fast), but in the end, it was still awesome. I particularly liked Brenden's last line. ^_^ "
Aww, thanks you guys! *fuzzyglomps*
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Post by Deleted on Sept 11, 2006 19:13:51 GMT -5
Needed Adventure: Part Three by tdyans
Well, I at first thought that this had begun with a little less steam than the others, but then I read the part with Dantam and Tessa on the hill. It was written beautifully and truthfully, as if they were actual people feeling sorry about an actual event. This part demanded that I comment on how well you wrote this.
Well, I think Enzo is slowly realising what he left behind when he left the junkyard. And, for someone such as I who has never read a Needed series before, the times when you refer to Dantam's past adventures are exciting, I think. And, they were done so that it does make sense, I feel.
Once more, though, I think I'm out of things to say.
Except, maybe, that I am anxiously awaiting part four.
I also have to ask...have you ever written outside of the NT?
You surely seem talented enough to already have a few novels published.
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Post by Tdyans on Sept 11, 2006 20:47:11 GMT -5
Needed Adventure: Part Three by tdyansWell, I at first thought that this had begun with a little less steam than the others, but then I read the part with Dantam and Tessa on the hill. It was written beautifully and truthfully, as if they were actual people feeling sorry about an actual event. This part demanded that I comment on how well you wrote this. Well, I think Enzo is slowly realising what he left behind when he left the junkyard. And, for someone such as I who has never read a Needed series before, the times when you refer to Dantam's past adventures are exciting, I think. And, they were done so that it does make sense, I feel. Once more, though, I think I'm out of things to say. Except, maybe, that I am anxiously awaiting part four. I also have to ask...have you ever written outside of the NT? You surely seem talented enough to already have a few novels published. I'm glad you're enjoying the writing and that it's making sense to you. And flattered by your last comment. Have I ever written outside of the NT? Yes, quite a few short (and not-so-short) stories and one not-quite-finished NaNoWriMo novel. Have I ever been published outside of the NT, on the other hand-- that's a no. It is something I'd like to try for someday, though. |
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Post by Spot on Sept 12, 2006 0:50:42 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2006 12:32:21 GMT -5
The Mis Adventures of a Pink Lenny written by immortalmina, art by spot
Though I don't get the story much, the artwork alone is amazing! The Faerie Lenny are especially beautiful; believe it or not, I've never seen one before. If I were forced to have a Lenny, I'd want it Faerie definitely, though if all Lenny's looked as good as the ones you drew, then they wouldn't be such a... neglected species.
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Post by Tdyans at work on Sept 12, 2006 14:57:25 GMT -5
The Pianist's Quandary: Parts 1 & 2
I'm a little surprised that with as much as this series address death, it was able to get into the NT-- but I'm glad that it did. The opening was great-- it really grabbed my attention-- and your writing does a wonderful job of setting the tone. I also enjoyed the nice little details like Nevan taking the faerie wings from his cupcake and dipping them into his tea. I liked that you gave us a little time to get to know him before jumping into the "plot" so that we really are interested in him and what happens to him. I also liked the ghost and how she was so insecure about whether she was doing things right.
The only thing is, I think you were doing fine with having their relationship develop subtly and didn't need to state the idea that they would become "great friends" at all, let alone twice within a few sentences. Other than that, you do a good job of showing rather than telling-- letting us get to know the characters and find out how they feel through their actions and dialogue rather than by just telling us straight out. Another small quibble on that note is the brief passage where you write from Ellamara's point of view:
This threw me a bit because the rest of the story had all been from Nevan's point of view. And I think it would have been best to stick with that. Again, you can show that Ellamara is feeling that way without having to go into her mind and tell us her feelings-- something that you do well throughout the rest of the story.
There's one thing that confuses me a bit about the plot. Both Nevan and Ellamara mention that she/the house are over 100 years old. That would seem to me to settle the question of whether she's dead or not. How could she be that old and not be dead?
The writing was well done and easy to follow for the most part, though I did notice just a few instances like those that I had trouble with in your last story:
I can't quite seem to understand this sentence. The first clause is talking about the music, but then the second switches to talking about the image of the moon (and image that can't be seen, apparently?), so I just couldn't follow what the subject was supposed to be.
Again, you confuse the reader by having two different subjects in the two clauses of the sentence. Since the sentence starts out being about Nevan, and because of the tenses used in the second clause, it seems like "the pianist" is referring to him as well. Separate the different actions of different characters and different times into different sentences to make things more clear.
Those were just a few small things to work on, but as I said, overall I found this to be a very well-written and engaging story, and I am really looking forward to reading the rest and finding out how it ends.
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Post by Spot on Sept 12, 2006 18:19:49 GMT -5
The Mis Adventures of a Pink Lenny written by immortalmina, art by spotThough I don't get the story much, the artwork alone is amazing! The Faerie Lenny are especially beautiful; believe it or not, I've never seen one before. If I were forced to have a Lenny, I'd want it Faerie definitely, though if all Lenny's looked as good as the ones you drew, then they wouldn't be such a... neglected species. *purr* ^^ I put a lot of effort into the faerie lennies, so I'm happy for the feedback on that. =3 Thank you. *drew a total of 14 Lennies for this one comic (those not seen include one cut off by the border, and one done as practice)* |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2006 18:45:34 GMT -5
Thank you, Tdyans, for such a great and helpful review!
First, I'd have to agree with you--I, too, was surprised when I got the neomail that this had been held over, and then published. I had been afraid I'd have to dumb it down a bit, though it got in on the first try.
Well, I guess I explained the age bit like this when I was thinking of the story: ghosts, dead or alive, do not age, whereas other Neopets, having physical bodies, show physical signs of aging. I hope that helps to alleviate that bit of confusion.
You know, I hate having my faults pointed out to me, but I am so thankful for people who bring them to my attention. I guess, as the writer, I see what I mean more often than I should. Seeing you mention these points, they make sense to me as to why they don't fit in the story, points that I had entirely overlooked. I would assume, then, that I have to work on distancing myself just a little further when I edit things. Thanks again for being so brutal; if not, I'd continue to make the same mistakes over and over again.
Thank you, Tdyans, once more!
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Post by Nut on Sept 13, 2006 12:46:09 GMT -5
I’ve been just horrid about reviewing lately. *hides head in shame* Especially since I’ve been reading all the pieces anyway. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had anything published in a while… At any rate, here I am to offer a review. We’ll see if I come back and post more reviews. Let’s hope.  [glow=blue,2,300] Castles[/glow] Mother Mareian? 0_0 Nim, is there something you’re not telling us?  Aww. ^^ I like how this story follows your CotCR storyline, but you’d have to have read the other stories to notice. You didn’t even mention Jeran’s name once. xD It reads as a stand-alone story, though I think it has more meaning to someone who’s read the rest of the series, so that they’re already involved with your world of characters and curious about the new additions. I know I was.  Brenden is very cute. ^^ Despite his sneaking out early in the hopes of avoiding Gwen, he takes her in as a partner quickly when she does come out into the snow—what a cute pair of siblings. ^^ There was no real antagonism expressed by any character (unless you count Brenden’s feelings about Skarl’s political talks ); even the snow fights feel like a game, not to be taken too seriously and get upset over, and in all it was just a sweet story about little pups having fun in the snow. ^^ Your description is lovely, starting with the first paragraph about the untouched snow. ^^ I love how the twins’ fort falls over, with Gwen sitting there laughing in innocent glee, obviously understanding enough of the game despite her unconventional ways of playing. Gwen making the fort into snowballs was cute. ^^ I’m going to be a real stickler here and nitpick on comma use: I think the comma should, technically, be a semicolon; either that or this should be broken into two sentences, or “they knew” be replaced with “knowing”. This usage of commas seems to be fairly common, as a casual way of tacking on a sentence rather than use all the fanciness of a semicolon, but it doesn’t look right to me when I read it. On a whole, this was a lovely little story, with a sweet ending. ^^ I enjoyed seeing Jeran and Mareian’s new happy little family. Aww. ^^ |
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2006 13:16:02 GMT -5
Brenden's dad was JERAN?! Wow...I didn't know...
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Post by Tashni on Sept 14, 2006 0:38:45 GMT -5
Castles by Nimras
Aw, this was cute. The juvenile relationship between Brendan and Gwen was very sweet. I just wish there was more of a conflict.
EDIT:I'd like to amend that "conflict" thing a bit. The story, by its nature, is about kid's games, so a heavy conflict wouldn't be appropriate, but a more serious look at the game from Brendan's eyes might have been fun. This is going to sound like an odd suggestion, but find a copy of "Get a Life" by William Shatner and look up the "Wanda Warrior Princess" anecdote. It is HYSTERICAL, and such a setup would have been great in "Castles." . . . yeah.
But more importantly, OMGJERANANDMARIENAREMARRIEDANDHAVEKIDSI'MSOHAPPYOMG!!!
In english: AWESOME way to give us Jeran/Marien groupies an answer to our "will they ever get together?" question. Although, Nimras, as your groupie I feel it my duty to beg and plead you for a story SHOWING us them getting together. I KNOW you couldn't put it in the NT, but maybe post it on the NTWF? Pretty please?
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Post by Tashni on Sept 14, 2006 0:41:13 GMT -5
Little Orby by tashni  Poor Orby. And poor Jhudora. ;D I love how he just wanders off, oblivious. Thank you. ^_^ Obliviousness is sort of Orby's trademark. Yep. I have a story for him in the works, but, college started. And I hate math. Thank you and goodnight. |
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Post by Tdyans at work on Sept 14, 2006 14:35:58 GMT -5
CastlesFirst off, I can't decide if that picture is adorable or frightening. His eyes disturb me. Second, wow, this story is a shipper's dream. I count three couples you surreptitiously told us about-- am I missing any? Did the ideas for the "rules" of the snow fort/snowball game come from the Castle Battles game, or is that just coincidence. I like the idea that a game Skarl and Hagan used to play has become castle tradition. There were a few typos and Nut pointed out your propensity for run-ons-- the only consistent grammatical problem I have noticed in your stories-- but that seems to be waning, as I actually didn't catch any when I was reading it. Not much else to say, as I wasn't in the mood to read this with too critical an eye-- I just enjoyed getting a glimpse into the future with a sweet little story.
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Thanks, Leoness! ^__^
Poor Orby.