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Post by Fj0rd on Dec 10, 2005 10:01:33 GMT -5
Random reviews: The Unraveling Truth by bookworm01 I didn't really get the ending until I'd reread it a couple of times to figure out exactly what was going on, but for the most part I liked it, especially the description and character of Queen Fyora. Other than that... well, you might want to try having some sentence variance--don't make every sentence "I did this" and then "I did that", but use different sentence structure and don't start each sentence with "I". That sort of detracts from the story, or at least it did for me =/ So you might want to work on that. Overall, though, it was nice. The Mask of Calendroh: Part One by Lau Wow. XD Creepy. I figured out what was going to happen pretty early on, but I thought that it was Joren or Claire who was going to disappear. One thing, though, is that neither Claire nor Joren seemed to be particularly surprised that Calendroh and her mask were real--I mean, yeah, Claire said that the story was true, but generally people don't really believe stuff like that when they say it. *shrug* Just something to think about, I guess. I'll try to remember to read the next part(s?) when they come out. =) Searching for Paradise: Part One by Tiger Heh, aaangry Tye... A couple of choppy sentences, and her anger in the last half or so of the part was a little illogical--or at least, her logic in it wasn't fully explained--but overall I quite liked it, and I'm curious to see what solution she'll come up with for her problem. (Well, apart from maybe switching places with Allehya, but I'm guessing that that isn't going to end up the whole plot, if it's part of it at all.) Karma Comes Around by Apollo I was expecting this to just be an article about Neopian karma, and was a little disappointed to see that it was actually a quiz-type thing, but whatever ^^ Anyway, the different questions were fun to read through (though number six is, regretably, inaccurate..  ) and one could argue that it's good karma to help anyone, so either Jhudora or Illusen's quests can be good things. But anyway. It wasn't particularly funny, but that's not really a requirement for articles, anyway. So... yeah. Good. Wh00t. I'll do some more reviews later, maybe--we'll see. I might even end up reading past parts of some continued series. Oh, and if anyone would be so kind as to review "Ruling the Universe", my article, that'd be awesome =D (Ah, and sorry if my reviews are all... bad, and stuff. I haven't reviewed NT stuff in ages and I expect I'm rather rusty.) |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2005 10:27:00 GMT -5
I'll be reveiwing everyone who asks for it, but I just want to remind you guys that if you are going to ask for reveiws you should GIVE them too. Not nessarily to the person who gave them, but to anyone. I know I like getting reveiws and others besides yourselfs do too. ^^ Cool. Now for reveiws, sorry if that sounded kind of accusatory.
New Series
The Mask of Calendroh: Part One
laurelinden
Laurelinden is certainly one of the more prolific writers of the modern neopian era, especially for adventure stories speckled with magic. Some of her work being, My Honor, and Prophecy of the Equinox. Today we see the begining of her series The Mask of Calendroh.
The Plot of the Mask of Calendroh is about two pets on Halloween Night, who are telling ghost stories about a mask that bewitches the weares and brings them into an evil witches graces, where she will steal their youth. This story is extremely well written in style and the characterazations are soft and subtle. However the moment I began reading this I was thinking to things. The first of which was not under the authors control at all, but I still wondered. Why is a Halloween story being written in almost decemeber. The second is the plot. The plot while inventive on first glance, seemed to wear thin in my mind, reminding me of the old Disney movie Hocus Pocus, with the three witches. However other than that overall it was a very intriging concept.
The biggest problems were found in the plot. The first problem was the way it was written I was confused about the Blumaroo. The transition was choppy and it took me to realize that they were talking about someone else when they mentioned the mask, I had to read it twice. Maybe put the part about the mask first, that way the reader gets to feel smart about connecting the mask later on.
However overall this was a greatly told adventure/suspense story, leaving me hungering for more.
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Post by Lau on Dec 10, 2005 11:08:32 GMT -5
You're right that the timing is odd. I'd originally planned it for the Halloween issue, actually, but my homework load was too demanding to give me time to finish before a few weeks ago. After being held over a while, it happened to turn up in this issue. Oh well.  I don't quite understand what you mean about "talking about someone else when they mentioned the mask" but I know that the transition was a bit choppy. I think that stems from the fact that I'd originally planned it to be one short story, so I was trying not to stretch out the plot or write anything repetitive or unnecessary. I wasn't ever quite happy with that part, but I didn't know a better way for Claire and Joren to bring Ruben up-to-date without saying over again the exact same thing I'd spent the introduction saying. Thanks for the review, and for being so specific. Personally I like the second part better; the intro never sat quite right with me, but I didn't know how to make it better since I couldn't identify exactly what it was that bugged me. So I just let it go. Well Claire was surprised and pleased (as she'd always suspected it might be true, and is sort of the adventurous type, so she's delighted at the mere prospect) and Joren is a bit more logical, but having heard the story and then being presented with the scenario (the sincere Blumaroo and his story) he can't help but conclude that the tale is true. The reason Ruben believes the story so readily is, as he said, that his sister's behavior was so extremely out-of-character that a magic mask wouldn't be an altogether wild explanation. I might have rushed that part a bit in retrospect; again, it's from when it was one short story and I didn't want to repeat myself. But where I cut it off when I made it into two parts does seem a bit abrupt. Thanks for the review, and I hope you do end up reading the next (and last) part. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 10, 2005 11:43:40 GMT -5
The Happiest Quiggle by nut862 The face on that Quiggle... is... just... hilarious! You could get away with a one panel comic with just that Quiggle standing there, with that.... FACE! *roflmao* The art is good. It's simple but good. It's easy on your eyes, and very originally drawed. The eyes on the Quiggle, in the last panel, seems a bit awkward though - but just a minor detail. The story is humorous, and there seems to be some sort of morale in it as well: "Be positive!", just to make it short xD Good job Nut! Stuck in the Lost Desert by spotthechelsey You manage this Neopets-plot-comics-concept really well!!! The art is very smoothe and easy on the eyes - so Neopets-like, but still original. The only thing that caught my critical eye, was the footprints of the Lennies. They sorta look like blood-prints - but then again... if the sand is very very hot... that might just be your intention? Anyways, it's only a minor detail. The story is very well picked up from the last comic, and even though I can't answer the trivia question, I still find the whole accent-thing very funny. I don't get the mirage-castle though...  Very nicely made Spot Spooky by ghostkomorichu Hah! <---- Is this review enoug for ya? xD Okay... I'll try putting on some words. The art is very good. It's so... your style'ish. You manage to bring so much soul into your characters... even with no use of shading. Very easy to read and look at. The story wasn't obvious to me right away (don't worry, I'm slow sometimes xD), but then I remembered, that Komo is 'just' a glowing pet, not 'dead' like the others. Then it made perfect sense. Very nice twist. Expressions are wonderful. Good job Komori Notions and Nonsense by patjade & Patrick Oh my! That is like... SO blonde! xD The art is very cute. The table is a bit out of propotions, but it's not something that takes away the humor of the comic. The story is so simple, so funny, and so blonde. A short comic, quick punchline, easy to understand great job to you both Smelly Nelly by i_hate_backstabbers Ah yes Nina! Your comic really leans well up against mine The art is very detailed, smoothe and easy on the eyes - especially the candles and flowers. The shading is very atmospheric, and the 'puffy' Nelly in the last panel, simply cracks me up xD Yet again, Sis proves to be quite a scoundrel! The things you want to do to your brother, just to get a good laugh now and then *sigh* xD Thanks for helping me out with the story - I know I enjoyed doing this collaboration-thing with you. Great job Nina Any more comics requests? Lemme know |
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Post by Tiger on Dec 10, 2005 12:26:49 GMT -5
Random reviews: Searching for Paradise: Part One by Tiger Heh, aaangry Tye... A couple of choppy sentences, and her anger in the last half or so of the part was a little illogical--or at least, her logic in it wasn't fully explained--but overall I quite liked it, and I'm curious to see what solution she'll come up with for her problem. (Well, apart from maybe switching places with Allehya, but I'm guessing that that isn't going to end up the whole plot, if it's part of it at all.) Thanks for the review! *Gives you Weewoo cookie* Hmm...yeah, I can see how the anger was a little illogical...I guess this was kind of a big eruption of stuff she was feeling for a long time, and never really got to say. I wrote this a long time ago, and really should've gone over it... |
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Post by Tam on Dec 10, 2005 13:05:19 GMT -5
Stuck in the Lost Desert
by spotthechelsey*grumble* Refuses to even start loading. I'll see if it's any different tomorrow... I'm sorry... ;__; What speed connection do you have? 'Cause if you're on 56k, it takes approx. 1 min, 15 secs. I don't have a loading sequence for my comics yet, so it may be loading even though it doesn't seem like it ... it's on my to-do list. I'm almost, done, I just have to muddle through the script behind it. >_<; Aww... I'm not annoyed. XD I was just upset with my dial-up (verra slow connection). Thanks for telling me though, I just thought it wasn't loading.  *goes back to try again* *ish still not loading after five minutes* Hmm, I'll check on one of the comps at school, but I'll be a few days late. Smelly Nelly
by i_hate_backstabbers;D Awesome comic; I was laughing all the way along at the way the characters were drawn and the things they said. I loved how she started the comic with the Kacheek's baby-talk; it really draws you in. What I especially liked (next to the poofeh fur at the end ^^), was the way the background was done. I really admire the way that most of the background is outlined just by normal shading. Makes it look smooth and pretty. EDIT: Any more reviews for "Why Blue Draik Eggs?" would be great. Since it's my first comic, I'd love to know what I should change, and what was good. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2005 5:03:14 GMT -5
I've noticed, that the amount of people that reviews stuff, has decreased lately. I wonder why that is? |
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Post by Tiger on Dec 11, 2005 6:53:05 GMT -5
Huh. That's wierd. I know I wasn't doing it for the longest because I didn't have anything in the Times...
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Post by Kushbi on Dec 11, 2005 8:40:18 GMT -5
Here are the requested but yet to be reviewed series parts. Due to time constraints, I was unable to read the previous instalments, so the reviews will not take previous parts into consideration. Sorry about that, but all the parts were written so coherently that I didn't feel the need to read back. ^_^ The Pirate Writer: Part Two
by czenko28I like the narration, as if Firaga was talking to me. The cliffhanger at the end is also great; all parts of a series should have a cliffhanger, IMO, except the conclusion, of course. Character-wise, Captain Woodbeak left a very strong impression on me, even to the extent of overshadowing your main character. If the captain has only a minor role, you may wish to dwell less on his gestures and details. But if he's going to play a big part in the story later, you have succeeded in making the reader pay attention. The last sentence is redundant. The reader already knows that the Acara is scared to the point of nearly wetting his pants when you wrote that he trembled. ;D You've succeeded in showing the feelings of the Acara, so hold back a bit on the "telling" part because it really isn't needed. As mentioned above, readers can tell the emotions of your characters because you have shown them very well. The "sorry face" part is not really useful, IMO, because a Draik screeching in fright would have to change his apologising expression. In addition, the words "his sorry face" can have two meanings. First, I read it to mean "his pathetic face" before I realised that it was meant to be "his face, which was in an expression of apology". You may wish to clarify these little potential misintepretations with clearer phrasing, or simply cut this portion out for reaons listed above. There are a few more sentences in your series episode that restates what the reader already knows, I'm sure that you can pick them out after my examples? Overall, your portrayal of emotions and actions are very good because I get a clear picture right away after reading this instalment. But the additional descriptions are pretty much unnecessary and weigh some parts of the story down. Reduce the redundant sentences and it will be very much better. Priceless stuff I enjoyed: I hope to see more of the Captain in the future. - When the Weather is Grey: Part Three
by puppy200010I nearly screamed with Nili at the ending. What's so bad about being grey? Grey is cute. ^_^ Okay, I meant that the dread Nili felt was also felt acutely by me. Great job with the climax (two in one instalment! What value). Nili's search for the right hut was very exciting and I read on with bated breath to find out if she would escape. You've captured your reader here, I can't imagine anyone who would be able to stop reading once Nili was found by the other grey pets. The surprise climax at the end gave me quite a shock. *does self-CPR* However, I feel that there are a few sentences that can be improved on: I prefer a more direct approach, such as "Reluctantly, she noticed that the fire had gone out overnight." My suggestion would be to break up the sentence into: "Nili grabbed her empty potato sack and headed towards the village once she thought it was late enough." and "She was intent on finding some information." I think that if you break up some of the longer sentences, the pace of the plot will increase, especially for the first few paragraphs. Priceless stuff I enjoyed: I laughed at this. Sorry if it's meant to be scary, but it's really cute. ;D - Sight: Part Three
by dan4884Yay, another series episode with a cliffhanger. Your plot pacing is very good, not a moment is boring or laggy. At the beginning, the way Mrs. Prenderghast was written made me want to get away from her ASAP. The narrator's voice is done very well. I can identify with the concern he felt for his friend and his anxiety through the events. I have some suggestions on making certain sentences flow more easily. Lage can only nod his head. I think. "I nodded." should be sufficient. The last sentence made this part of the story look overstated. My suggestion: "She gave a low sigh, tired from overwork." Or simply: "She sighed." Followed by a sentence about creaking bones and stretching her cramped paws. "Terlizzia" should be "her", I believe. Using her name makes the perspective seem weird. All in all, I enjoyed this series episode very much. The events flow smoothly and the scene at the help desk is well done. Its description is exactly like how people with inquiries act vs. the receptionist. You succeeded with suspense for the scene with Terlizzia too. Priceless stuff I enjoyed: Heh, that painting-faced ghost. *lol* - Overall, I have to commend these three series parts for the relative lack of grammatical errors. I may be too tired to pick them if there are any, but I feel that the absence of glaring errors should be commended because it shows a lot of effort on the author's part. Well done, guys. Replying to Leoness: Review fatigue. Once people who have been reviewing all along feel that their advice isn't taken or that they can't help much, they get tired and stop. I just realised how much time it takes to review three series parts. *OMG* If some writers don't want or don't expect a review in return, there is little incentive to do one in the first place. To those who have read most of the issue already, we should all try to help here, especially with requested reviews, you know that the author wants advice. ^_^ If reviewing a whole story/series part is too much, I suggest that we PM each other and each review two/three paragraphs. Edit: I just saw my first banner above. Whooooot! |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2005 10:21:35 GMT -5
When the Weather is Grey: Part Three
by puppy200010I nearly screamed with Nili at the ending. What's so bad about being grey? Grey is cute. ^_^ Okay, I meant that the dread Nili felt was also felt acutely by me. Great job with the climax (two in one instalment! What value). Nili's search for the right hut was very exciting and I read on with bated breath to find out if she would escape. You've captured your reader here, I can't imagine anyone who would be able to stop reading once Nili was found by the other grey pets. The surprise climax at the end gave me quite a shock. *does self-CPR* However, I feel that there are a few sentences that can be improved on: I prefer a more direct approach, such as "Reluctantly, she noticed that the fire had gone out overnight." My suggestion would be to break up the sentence into: "Nili grabbed her empty potato sack and headed towards the village once she thought it was late enough." and "She was intent on finding some information." I think that if you break up some of the longer sentences, the pace of the plot will increase, especially for the first few paragraphs. Priceless stuff I enjoyed: I laughed at this. Sorry if it's meant to be scary, but it's really cute. ;D Thanks for the review! In future submissions, I'll try to break up my sentences a bit more. Some of them do seem a bit long... the chanting of the grey pets wasn't necessarily supposed to be scary; I was slightly amused by it when I wrote it as well . ------------------------ Searching for Paradise- I love the way you depict the characters in your story. In this story, you can detect bitterness from Tye in you describe things. I did find it slightly confusing that Allehya had gold bands on her legs, since she's an alley kougra, but I'm hoping an explanation for that will come in later parts of the story. The Unraveling Truth-Ooh, I love stories about the lab ray Scorchio! When I started reading this story, I never would have guessed the ending! I love the evilness that you characterized Sloth with in the beginning of the story. In some areas though, the sentences are a little short and choppy. I think the flow of the story could be improved a little if you used more compound sentences or semicolons. When reading through, one sentence that caught my eye was: In the tense of the story, it seemed a little out of place. In the sentences before and after, they're both in past tense. A way to make it fit into the paragraph better would be to reword it. For example, you could say, "I was doubtful she had seen." At the end of the story, I really enjoyed the reviewing that the Scorchio is doing and the regret he shows. Overall, I thought the plot was very creative, and the story was very enjoyable to read. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2005 11:28:45 GMT -5
Ruling the UniverseHaha, I loved this article. It had a great and not-often-seen/seen-at-all theme, and I loved the pet narration and they way the article came to be. I didn't notice any grammatical errors, and the italics and bolds were a very nice touch, it added to the enjoyment of the article. The commentaries at the end of each chapter allowed us to get a feel for Yotaria's (I hope I spelled that right) personality, which is hard to do in an article. You also did a great job at making the chapters sound like Sloth himself wrote them. I will do some new series reviews later. I promise. Oh, and thank you to the two people that reviewed my article! Your names escape me right now, but I still thank you.
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Post by Lau on Dec 11, 2005 12:11:56 GMT -5
I'll do requested reviews as soon as my Cal 3 final is over. |
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Post by Tiger on Dec 11, 2005 13:01:22 GMT -5
Searching for Paradise- I love the way you depict the characters in your story. In this story, you can detect bitterness from Tye in you describe things. I did find it slightly confusing that Allehya had gold bands on her legs, since she's an alley kougra, but I'm hoping an explanation for that will come in later parts of the story. Thanks! Yes, there is an explanation about the bands, I promise |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2005 14:24:49 GMT -5
Comic ReviewJust a brief comment about your comics (don't expect a long review. )...I'll do some article / stories later. The Happiest QuiggleHehe, cute joke, nice art. ^^ Stuck in the Lost DesertWow Neopets style. ^^ I love the design of your comic. it's awsome. SpookyFunny and great art as always. The expressions in the last panel are priceless. xD Starry StuffThe sentence second panel is a bit odd sounding, but the joke is funny, and nice art. My scanner doesn't pick up pencil crayon colouring that well. ;_; Notions and NonsenseHeh, I saw this joke on Patjade's collab board, but it's still cute. ^^ The art is good, just that the table is at a really strange angle compared to the rest of furniture and characters. grammer poleaseHehe, that is something I would do...xD I like the drawing style. Original idea. Smelly NellyHehe, cute idea. I love the fluffyness. xD Mootix Madness - We Have a Winner Pt. 2Whoah, same characters. It's like the first panel of Smelly Nelly, but from a different pov. Me likey. That's all for now...^^;
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Post by Deleted on Dec 11, 2005 15:11:10 GMT -5
Smelly NellyHehe, cute idea. I love the fluffyness. xD Mootix Madness - We Have a Winner Pt. 2Whoah, same characters. It's like the first panel of Smelly Nelly, but from a different pov. Me likey. It was intentional Thanks for liking it |
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) and one could argue that it's good karma to help anyone, so either Jhudora or Illusen's quests can be good things. But anyway. It wasn't particularly funny, but that's not really a requirement for articles, anyway. So... yeah. Good.
Very nicely made Spot 
*goes back to try again* *ish still not loading after five minutes* Hmm, I'll check on one of the comps at school, but I'll be a few days late.