Issue 216 Reviews

[Nut]

Okay, here is one series review. It being past the end of Wednesday now, I suppose I deserve a hearty slap with frozen lettuce from Tiger (since she so kindly volunteered to carry out my wishes). I am reviewing Avalon… -_-

Legend Seekers: Destiny Discovered
This was a very interesting story on a whole. The plot was pretty original, and the story involves faeries and jungles—which is always a plus in my mind. The main character, Pemero, was made clear as a reckless and adventurous character just as he is said to be; it’s always good when characters live up to their in-story descriptions. The little letters that the pets wrote to Yuka before they entered the jungle were sweet. The descriptions were fairly good as well. Pemero was a nice, eager adventurer character; it’s fun to read about him simply because of his energy. However, I thought Jen was a good character as well, and I was a bit disappointed to find that she plays a rather small role in the story. It was a good adventure story nevertheless, though. I thought that Pemero’s companion was going to turn out to be a Dark Faerie, so when it was really the opposite I was rather surprised. Though, being a bit of a Light Faerie supporter, it went against my traditional image of pure-good Light Faeries—but that, of course, is the whole idea. The idea of blue magma was interesting, to say the least. The utter destruction it caused to the island really sounded terrible. (Well, obviously. I wonder about all the natives who didn’t survive.) Queen Fyora’s entrance in the last segment of the story is rather predictable for a story involving faeries, but that was all right; she did have to deliver her important message to Pemero. The ending leaves me wondering quite a bit about Jen. This story really begs a sequel; I understand that one is in the works, and I’m definitely looking forward to reading it. In all, very good work!

[Tiger]

Hmm....you have until I get home from Writer's Block, Nut. It's 5:54 AM my time, and I get home about 4:30, 5.

[Nut]

I have managed to squeeze in the final series reviews in time to avoid being slapped with lettuce! Yay me! (Wow, that motivation really… works. o_0) Here are the much-awaited reviews.

Avalon and the Emerald Noil Gem: Avalon’s Apprentice – Part Ten
This is the final part to a most interesting adventure story, full of exciting battle scenes and a traditional storyline to go with them. Avalon, Ash, and Storm have very distinct characters, making them interesting to read about. I don’t think I could get enough of Storm! The story has plenty of plot twists to keep it interesting. It was a surprise to me when I found out that Caiman is a spy. You spring all the twists on the reader in an unpredictable, yet believable, way. The characters make the story, but the plot is interesting and draws the reader in on its own. I think I would’ve liked to hear a bit more about Silverdrop, considering that her role as apprentice is an important one. She comes across as young and trusting, hence why she follows and helps Avalon, but I can’t help wondering about her past. We read that she was a thief, and then that fact seems to vanish from the story as soon as it is introduced, making me wonder a bit why it was mentioned at all—unless it is to be used in future stories? Or perhaps it was just given as background information, which I can imagine, though a history of thievery is not generally something to be easily forgotten. The Noil Gem’s amazing powers seem to be a skeleton key for any obstacle the pets run into, making me wonder if its abilities have any kind of limit. Of course, it is fun to read about just how the gem solves the problem at hand. This story is the type that a reader can enjoy speculating on what happens next—something that I have been doing myself! All in all, this is a fascinating series, populated with likeable characters and an enjoyable storyline. Great work!

Purple Pebble: Part Two
Magic stones, yay! I like Ollie’s character here. I enjoyed reading this section of the story. When Feri disappeared at the word “Tyrannia”, I could guess what had happened, but it was still fun to read about Ollie’s reactions as she went through the same steps that her sister had. Ollie’s exclamation that the rock is “a new way of technology” struck me as funny, considering that the rock is magic and the whole magic-versus-technology argument in Neopia. Ollie’s worrying, not-quite-so-bright personality is funny and endearing. The idea of her running to save her sister from natives who might paint her red was funny, as was the ticket-booth scene. The last scene of this section in the story hits hard, with Feri’s announcement of her song. I feel sorry for Ollie, and can only guess what will happen next. Good work!

[Yuka]

nut said:

Okay, here is one series review. It being past the end of Wednesday now, I suppose I deserve a hearty slap with frozen lettuce from Tiger (since she so kindly volunteered to carry out my wishes). I am reviewing Avalon… -_-

Legend Seekers: Destiny Discovered
This was a very interesting story on a whole. The plot was pretty original, and the story involves faeries and jungles—which is always a plus in my mind. The main character, Pemero, was made clear as a reckless and adventurous character just as he is said to be; it’s always good when characters live up to their in-story descriptions. The little letters that the pets wrote to Yuka before they entered the jungle were sweet. The descriptions were fairly good as well. Pemero was a nice, eager adventurer character; it’s fun to read about him simply because of his energy. However, I thought Jen was a good character as well, and I was a bit disappointed to find that she plays a rather small role in the story. It was a good adventure story nevertheless, though. I thought that Pemero’s companion was going to turn out to be a Dark Faerie, so when it was really the opposite I was rather surprised. Though, being a bit of a Light Faerie supporter, it went against my traditional image of pure-good Light Faeries—but that, of course, is the whole idea. The idea of blue magma was interesting, to say the least. The utter destruction it caused to the island really sounded terrible. (Well, obviously. I wonder about all the natives who didn’t survive.) Queen Fyora’s entrance in the last segment of the story is rather predictable for a story involving faeries, but that was all right; she did have to deliver her important message to Pemero. The ending leaves me wondering quite a bit about Jen. This story really begs a sequel; I understand that one is in the works, and I’m definitely looking forward to reading it. In all, very good work!

Thanks for the review! *gives you a plate of cookies* The new series will be a very long one (12 parts!), and Jen will be playing a much bigger part in it.

[Star]

Gelert Diaries 2

This is a cute story. The journal format stories have a certain charm to them, as does this one. I liked reading about Gruzzles?antics. However, the focus of the story does seem to be on the events rather than the characters, as the journal simply tells what the main character did in play-by-play fashion. The events themselves are interesting mainly because of the characters in them, in particular Gruzzles, but also because of cameo appearances from characters like Jeran and Lisha and Alton the Kacheek. With this in mind, perhaps you could have shown more of Marty’s feelings towards the events in the diary.

He raced round and round in circles and then he leapt up into a tree and then back down, he raced around, knocking over passers-by and yapping.

Funny mental image. XD

Thanks for the review! Yeah, I understand what you mean! I did write it a long time ago and this was also the problem with my first publication but I'll remember your advice for the future! =D

[Tiger]

nut said:

Avalon and the Emerald Noil Gem: Avalon’s Apprentice – Part Ten
This is the final part to a most interesting adventure story, full of exciting battle scenes and a traditional storyline to go with them. Avalon, Ash, and Storm have very distinct characters, making them interesting to read about. I don’t think I could get enough of Storm! The story has plenty of plot twists to keep it interesting. It was a surprise to me when I found out that Caiman is a spy. You spring all the twists on the reader in an unpredictable, yet believable, way. The characters make the story, but the plot is interesting and draws the reader in on its own. I think I would’ve liked to hear a bit more about Silverdrop, considering that her role as apprentice is an important one. She comes across as young and trusting, hence why she follows and helps Avalon, but I can’t help wondering about her past. We read that she was a thief, and then that fact seems to vanish from the story as soon as it is introduced, making me wonder a bit why it was mentioned at all—unless it is to be used in future stories? Or perhaps it was just given as background information, which I can imagine, though a history of thievery is not generally something to be easily forgotten. The Noil Gem’s amazing powers seem to be a skeleton key for any obstacle the pets run into, making me wonder if its abilities have any kind of limit. Of course, it is fun to read about just how the gem solves the problem at hand. This story is the type that a reader can enjoy speculating on what happens next—something that I have been doing myself! All in all, this is a fascinating series, populated with likeable characters and an enjoyable storyline. Great work!

Yay! Thanks for the review! *Shoves lettuce down garbage disposal*

As for the Gem's power...it's limited to the Guardian's strength. Some Guardians can sqeeze tons of power out of the Gem, and others just a little bit.

Thanks for the comment about Silverdrop's past...I'll be sure to work that in in Avalon III.

[Nut]

Thanks for the review! Yeah, I understand what you mean! I did write it a long time ago and this was also the problem with my first publication but I'll remember your advice for the future! =D

You're welcome; glad I could help! ^^

Yay! Thanks for the review! *Shoves lettuce down garbage disposal*

As for the Gem's power...it's limited to the Guardian's strength. Some Guardians can sqeeze tons of power out of the Gem, and others just a little bit.

Thanks for the comment about Silverdrop's past...I'll be sure to work that in in Avalon III.

You're welcome; I definetely owed it to you. Thanks for clearing that up about the gem. And I'm looking forward to seeing more of Silverdrop.

[Tashni]

I don't suppose I could get any more reviews for my very first comic, Komik Releed: Happy Exercising, by Saturday, could I? *puppy dog eyes* Free fried chicken to whoever does!

[Nut]

Komik Releef: Happy Exercising
This is a nice comic; it made me smile. The art is really cute.
Panel One: The reader is introduced to the situation, noting how tired the Slorg is. The way the Slorg is drawn, with its elongated and wobbly spots, emphasizes its exhaustion. The bits of grass spilling over the edge of the lawn onto the sidewalk make it more interesting to look at than just a flat green lawn. I think this panel might have been a bit more effective if the length of time that the Slorg had spent moving was more apparent. The Slorg truly looks worn out, though, with its wobbly, shiny eyes and overall appearance of being about to drop.
Panel Two: The reader glances at this panel quickly, noting the laces on the bright violet shoes and the fact that the Slorg is in shadow. I like the fact that the Slorg is made darker in this panel to show that there is someone standing over him (her?). This panel breaks up the comic nicely, avoiding making it feel rushed.
Panel Three: The reader’s eye is drawn first to the sun, and then, upon noting the orange spiral, drops their view to the large word balloon and reads the punchline. Though the joke isn’t particularly new, it was funny enough and the art was enjoyable to look at. The sun in this panel seems to emphasize the style of the art, but I think it might have been better to leave it out so that the word balloon would be the focus of attention. You use the shadow well here. The reader is encouraged to note little details in the style of the art, like the shadows and the slant of the sidewalk.
Overall: A very cute comic! Good work!

[Tay - Sock Eater]

Aww, you didn't mention that if you get one fruit then another at the same time the score for the second is doubled
You should also have mentioned that Fish Dougnut fruit are so rare that if you get on you should go around hugging random people
Although I am glad to see a guide to a non-avatar game.
Interesting that informative, but there was rule 1 and no others
Apart from that stuff, well done 7/10

Eek! Sorry, I left out a lot. I keep getting neomails from people saying I did, and I realize it now. I should have looked this over a little more carefully but I'm too impatient. Thanks for the review! =D

It was interesting for me to be reading this, because I wrote my own guide to Hasee Bounce a while back (called Mastering Hasee Bounce) and it’s nice to see other players’ view on the game. I don’t see guides to this game much, even though I think it’s a really good game.
The introduction to the guide is a fairly good one, mentioning that even if you can’t get an avatar you can get a trophy. I like how you point that out. I used to rant about how Hasee Bounce didn’t have an avatar (I mean, they had Hasee Bounce Day, for…*cough* *end mini rant*).

Use your spacebar and the arrow keys. That’s the best way. Yeah... I was just kind of telling you this so you... wouldn’t try and control the Hasees with your question mark key or anything.

Interesting. In my guide, I spoke as if the mouse were the only option. Later, I thought that maybe I should have mentioned the arrow keys as well. I wonder if, for the sake of players like me who use the mouse (I think we’re a minority *cough*), you could have mentioned something like “Some people use the mouse, but I think the spacebar and arrow keys are the best way…” Then again, who am I to talk?

If you can, try and get both. You get a couple extra points if you get two or more at a time.

This is a pretty brief reference to clustering, when it’s really one of the most important parts of the game. I can get 60-72 points on one Icy or Flaming fruit just by clustering a few fruits before them, which is a bit more than a couple extra points. Perhaps you could have pointed out that this is a pretty big factor in the game?
Overall, this is a nice, friendly introductory guide to Hasee Bounce. Good job!

WHOO, thanks for the long review. =D I left out a lot. -repeats self- =( I totally forgot about the mouse though because I, myself, have never considered using it. But thanks for the long reply. =) Next time I hope to remember not to leave out a thing. xD

Magic stones, yay! I like Ollie’s character here. I enjoyed reading this section of the story. When Feri disappeared at the word “Tyrannia”, I could guess what had happened, but it was still fun to read about Ollie’s reactions as she went through the same steps that her sister had. Ollie’s exclamation that the rock is “a new way of technology” struck me as funny, considering that the rock is magic and the whole magic-versus-technology argument in Neopia. Ollie’s worrying, not-quite-so-bright personality is funny and endearing. The idea of her running to save her sister from natives who might paint her red was funny, as was the ticket-booth scene. The last scene of this section in the story hits hard, with Feri’s announcement of her song. I feel sorry for Ollie, and can only guess what will happen next. Good work!

Thanks for the long review. =D I'm glad you liked it. Yes, the Tyrannia part was pretty obvious.. ; -cough- Thanks! =D This is my first review for this series.

[Tashni]

nut said:

Komik Releef: Happy Exercising
This is a nice comic; it made me smile. The art is really cute.
Panel One: The reader is introduced to the situation, noting how tired the Slorg is. The way the Slorg is drawn, with its elongated and wobbly spots, emphasizes its exhaustion. The bits of grass spilling over the edge of the lawn onto the sidewalk make it more interesting to look at than just a flat green lawn. I think this panel might have been a bit more effective if the length of time that the Slorg had spent moving was more apparent. The Slorg truly looks worn out, though, with its wobbly, shiny eyes and overall appearance of being about to drop.
Panel Two: The reader glances at this panel quickly, noting the laces on the bright violet shoes and the fact that the Slorg is in shadow. I like the fact that the Slorg is made darker in this panel to show that there is someone standing over him (her?). This panel breaks up the comic nicely, avoiding making it feel rushed.
Panel Three: The reader’s eye is drawn first to the sun, and then, upon noting the orange spiral, drops their view to the large word balloon and reads the punchline. Though the joke isn’t particularly new, it was funny enough and the art was enjoyable to look at. The sun in this panel seems to emphasize the style of the art, but I think it might have been better to leave it out so that the word balloon would be the focus of attention. You use the shadow well here. The reader is encouraged to note little details in the style of the art, like the shadows and the slant of the sidewalk.
Overall: A very cute comic! Good work!

Thank you so much for the indepth review, Nut! I shall try not to detract from punchlines with large orange objects in the future. ;P And, as promised, fried chicken for you!!

[Schefflera]

Bad houseplant, didn't come back and thank people or review more until the new issue was out.

Mauled by a Thesaurus: I thought this article was very useful and informative! There's been countless times when I've been reading something and came across words that were almost, but not quite correct in the context they were used in. Plus, I liked the intro!

Thanks, Puppy! The intro was fun to write, and I really hope some of the people who need to be told this will have read it and given it some thought. It seems to be a stage an awful lot of writers go through... I hope I managed to make the article more welcoming than accusatory, but I'm not sure.

Mauled By A Thesaurus

A very informative article. I've seen this happen a lot, too, and I've been guilty of it myself in the past - thankfully, I grew a brain and started to be more careful. I can't think of anything really helpful to say, so I'll just say... great job!

Thank you, Yuka.

I don't remember actually getting out a thesaurus for the purpose, but I'm pretty sure I tried to show off and looked silly periodically. Of course, when we were doing vocabulary sentences, this was pretty much standard.... Nobody ever really had anything to say that would make some of the words fit.

Mauled by a Thesaurus
Great article ;D
Dragged on a little though.
Although I do hope that people read it and remember it when going to write for the NT, maybe then we wont see articles or stories littered with words 10 meters long and make no sence 8/10

Hmm... Carlin, if you see this, did you think it was too long for what I had to say, that I tried to say too much, or just that it got dull? Anyway, thanks for the review.

Mauled by a Thesaurus
This was an extremely interesting and very useful article. It was a relief from the dozens of humorous articles I’ve been reading lately (there is nothing wrong with good humor, but I do like a bit of a break from it occasionally). I don’t use a thesaurus when I write, but the article still held plenty of good advice. Such as:

The first thing to do is to try varying your sentence structure. If you simply end every line of dialogue with something along the lines of "he said" or "she said" or "said Jeran" or "said Hannah," then yes, your writing may look a little dull. The main problem, however, is not the word "said." The main problem is that you're constructing all your sentences the same way.

I have a real problem with this, and having read this I’ve become determined to at least try and fix it. Pointing out the same sentence construction was very helpful, to say the least, and even more so were the examples that followed.

What you definitely should not do is replace "he said, she said, he said, she said, said Johnny" with "he annnounced, she protested, he explained, she vowed, accused Johnny."

XD When I was a lot younger, I used to do that everywhere. I had my own personal rule that every synonym for “said” on one page had to be different; I could not use any word for “said” more than once on that page. It was awful. Eventually I couldn’t stand it anymore and stopped.

The second thing is to use words you do know, if they fit, even if they weren't the first to come to mind. Before you consult anyone else, in person or in a book, try to think whether you already know how to make the sentence more interesting. If you look back at my examples of how to substitute other words for "get," none of my suggestions are particularly unusual words, but they're still more specifically suited to the context than "get."

This is a key point in writing, and I’m glad you’ve made it clear. I don’t know that I thought much about that before I read this.
Overall, this article was highly educational and useful, not to mention clearly written. Excellent work; a wonderful article!

...Wow! I wasn't expecting anyone to go into this much depth about it, but thank you so much, Nut.

I really wanted to do more with this article than just complain, or even just advise people what not to do. So I tried to give some attention to what someone using a thesaurus (or otherwise stretching a little too far in terms of vocabulary) was likely to be trying to do, and a better way to do it... though I think I left out what was a major pitfall for me, which was trying to sound formal, sometimes more formal than the context really warranted.

I sort of wish now that I'd said "whether you already know how to say something better" instead of referring to making the sentences more interesting, but hopefully the next sentence about using terms suited to the context will do.

I actually don't mind "said-replacements" or said+adverb constructions nearly as much as some people, and will use them fairly generously myself. But I do try not to overdo it. (Sometimes, on the other hand, I under-tag my dialogue severely, especially when cowriting. I've been trying to watch for that since it was pointed out to me.)

Belated Reviews

Survival: A Guide to Neopian Camping

Definitely in the "blind leading the blind" style! There was actually something about it that reminded me of a Dave Barry column, though I can't quite pinpoint it.

The Long Road Home

I agree, "his electrified smile" was a great phrase, especially since you also took some pains to establish that Cooper was generally an electrified personality. Helping the Mootix was a neat moment; it reminds me of rescuing earthworms.

Chronicles of the Court Rogue: Rivalry - Part Five

Your characters are adorable. I really enjoyed watching Mareian and Khalyen interact (and I agree -- pretty opals!). I liked the line about Mareian having a whole rainbow of colorful vocabulary at her disposal; it wouldn't work for everyone, but it was a very suitable way in this case to let her blister Jeran's ears without actually putting the language in question in the story. Mirtah interests me; making a guard a Cybunny seems an unusual character choice, and I like the idea.

TPPD: Case of the Traded Turdle - Part Seven

I confess I haven't gone back to read the rest of the story yet, which would probably be a much better experience, but I felt that this section did a good job of making me not feel too lost when picking it up in the middle. Or, er, near the end. Their finding evidence of Bryce being the perpetrator instead of Tavi seems to be pretty much accidental and out-of-the-blue, but perhaps if I read back through I'll find that it was also subtly set up all along. Anyway, it does seem like an interesting story!

[Deleted]

schefflera said:

Belated Reviews

[/i]

Survival: A Guide to Neopian Camping

Definitely in the "blind leading the blind" style! There was actually something about it that reminded me of a Dave Barry column, though I can't quite pinpoint it.

[/quote]

Thanks for the review, Scheff!

[Deleted]

Thanks for the reviews Nut and Schefflera.

[Dream]

Thanks Yuka for the review!