Issue 216 Reviews

[Star]

More short story reviews!

Gelert Diaries Two

This was a fun little story. I lost the thread a few times, but that's probably because I'm tired. The way it ended suggested a sequel - I hope so, because I really enjoyed this story and I'm curious now! Great job.

Thanks a lot for the review! I hope it wasn't too confusing! I never really thought of a sequel as I still have the Tell Tessa sequel to write but I'll think about it! Thanks for the idea! And I'm glad you enjoyed it. =D

Could anyone else please review Gelert Diaries 2 please? Greatly appreciated!

[Star]

The Long Journey Home by dan4884
Awww, a really sweet ending! I really liked Cooper! I thought he was great! A good story. =D

Anyone else who wants short story reviews, please ask and could anyone please review Gelert Diaries 2?

[Tyrannitar]

ghostkomori said:

Sanity Obsolete

... Hm. I can't say I understood the joke at first. I had to actually go back and reread it. I think the problem is that the object the Tooth Faerie is handing the Poogle is unclear. I can tell now that it was supposed to be some sort of Tooth-faerie themed cupcake, but I could only tell from the Neo item picture in the upper right corner. Originally to me, it looked like a stack of toothbrush bristles with toothpaste on them. I think it would've been much clearer if the tooth faerie had mentioned the name of the item. Like "Here you go, young Neopet: a [item name]!" Alternatively, the poogle could've said "A [item]! Thank you, Tooth Faerie!" The problem is that most Neopians are unfamiliar with that particular item, having no interest in Tooth Faeries. Actually, that's the problem with using Neopian items. Unless they are very common, like sand bottles or spooky foods, you have to tell the reader what the item is.

As for the art. The layout and design is fine for the type of joke. I applaud you for taking the time to redraw each character in the second panel, rather than copying the images from the first panel. That shows more dedication, I think, and makes the comic less static. The poogle's reaction to the cupcake is nice, though I think it could've been more exaggerated. ^__^

All in all, it's a nice comic.

Thanks Kom... Ginz drew everything, I only added the item image and banner at the top... yeah, people that looked at it before acceptance couldn't tell what the item was either, and I, err, FORGOT to mention what it was. Just like the Elephante Morphing Potion last week... anyways, thanks for the review!

Also, Kess, if I made you feel insuperior with your superior comics, don't feel that way! Lenny Sack is awesome no matter what.

[Yuka]

A couple of article reviews:

WARNING: I'm bad at reviewing!

Mauled By A Thesaurus

A very informative article. I've seen this happen a lot, too, and I've been guilty of it myself in the past - thankfully, I grew a brain and started to be more careful. I can't think of anything really helpful to say, so I'll just say... great job!

Survival: A Guide To Neopian Camping

Ehehe.. XD I don't think this would be very helpful to anyone who actually wanted to go camping, but it got a laugh out of me, so well done! ;D

I know I'm starting to sound like a stuck record, but did anyone read Legend Seekers: Destiny Discovered? All comments are welcome. Even flame-esque ones! Even if you only read three words! *places banana skin on floor carefully*

[ICKessler]

tyrannitar said:

Also, Kess, if I made you feel insuperior with your superior comics, don't feel that way!

No, no no. It was an old strip, I made it last year and while the cable was out after the hurricane, I dug out some of my older comics and colored them to submit when I got back online. It wasn't a fery funny comic, It was just me enjoying drawing all the 'ick!' faces, which were kind of funny. I think I made the original shortly after they'd had a random theme snot day.

Maybe when it gets closer to the holidays (ha! Who am I kidding!) I can make some more newer, funnier, comics. I've got some pencil-whipped but not drawn, including a short series with a blumaroo who is eternally waiting in line outside of Kelp.

[Ginz ❤]

tyrannitar said:

ghostkomori said:

Sanity Obsolete

... Hm. I can't say I understood the joke at first. I had to actually go back and reread it. I think the problem is that the object the Tooth Faerie is handing the Poogle is unclear. I can tell now that it was supposed to be some sort of Tooth-faerie themed cupcake, but I could only tell from the Neo item picture in the upper right corner. Originally to me, it looked like a stack of toothbrush bristles with toothpaste on them. I think it would've been much clearer if the tooth faerie had mentioned the name of the item. Like "Here you go, young Neopet: a [item name]!" Alternatively, the poogle could've said "A [item]! Thank you, Tooth Faerie!" The problem is that most Neopians are unfamiliar with that particular item, having no interest in Tooth Faeries. Actually, that's the problem with using Neopian items. Unless they are very common, like sand bottles or spooky foods, you have to tell the reader what the item is.

As for the art. The layout and design is fine for the type of joke. I applaud you for taking the time to redraw each character in the second panel, rather than copying the images from the first panel. That shows more dedication, I think, and makes the comic less static. The poogle's reaction to the cupcake is nice, though I think it could've been more exaggerated. ^__^

All in all, it's a nice comic.

Thanks Kom... Ginz drew everything, I only added the item image and banner at the top... yeah, people that looked at it before acceptance couldn't tell what the item was either, and I, err, FORGOT to mention what it was. Just like the Elephante Morphing Potion last week... anyways, thanks for the review!

Yes, thanks for the review, Komori. ^_^ Suggestions always help for future comics.

[Tashni]

Komik Releef

Hehe, it's a cute comic, and especially good for your first. Bravo for not putting the horrendous first-comic afternote! How I loathe those things! The joke was not particularly new, but it was still nicely executed. The timing was quite good. That second panel really helped slow the pace of the comic down. Without it, the reader wouldn't have felt the length of the slorg's trek. I think perhaps if you had zoomed out a little on the slorg in the first panel, to show a bit more empty space behind him, the reader would've felt that the slorg had been traveling even longer.

The art is quite nice. The details are a nice touch, like the lacing on the owner's shoes, and the shine in the window of the house. The little cartoony spiral sun is a tad distracting, but it's all right. I love the shadow cast on the slorg. It's used quite effectively. ... Oh, and looking at the slorg's eyes, I immediately thought Gary from Spongebob. ^_^

One thing I might suggest, though, is use a clearer text. It's easy enough to read, but it's a far too playful font to put in a comic. If any of your dialogue had been longer, the text would've been difficult to read. I know it's tempting to use fun fonts, but simple is best. Comic Sans, though a bit overused, is a good simple font. You can also look for other fonts. Keep them sans-seriff, if you could. Alternatively, you can write the text yourself. That has the benefit of matching better with the drawing style, but it can easily become illegible if you're not careful.

All things considered, it's a very charming comic.

Thanks a lot! A piece of fried chicken for you! And you're right, giving more negative space in the first panel would have been more affective. Thanks for the idea! Hopefully you'll be seeing more of Komik Releef in the future. (Note I did not say "near" future.)

[tigerfanatic]

Mauled by a Thesaurus
Great article ;D
Dragged on a little though.
Although I do hope that people read it and remember it when going to write for the NT, maybe then we wont see articles or stories littered with words 10 meters long and make no sence 8/10
--------
Survival: A Guide to Neopian Camping
I enjoyed this article to the end
Very funny.

Although:

B) was stolen by a rabid bearog

Could have been improved if you said 'Vampire Bearog' (NQII joke )
Apart from that the Disclaimer was great ;D

"worthless random item that failed you in the Battledome" How big are you intending this fire to be?

9/10
-------
A Hasee Bounce Novel
Aww, you didn't mention that if you get one fruit then another at the same time the score for the second is doubled
You should also have mentioned that Fish Dougnut fruit are so rare that if you get on you should go around hugging random people
Although I am glad to see a guide to a non-avatar game.
Interesting that informative, but there was rule 1 and no others
Apart from that stuff, well done 7/10

[Nut]

Article Reviews

Mauled by a Thesaurus
This was an extremely interesting and very useful article. It was a relief from the dozens of humorous articles I’ve been reading lately (there is nothing wrong with good humor, but I do like a bit of a break from it occasionally). I don’t use a thesaurus when I write, but the article still held plenty of good advice. Such as:

The first thing to do is to try varying your sentence structure. If you simply end every line of dialogue with something along the lines of "he said" or "she said" or "said Jeran" or "said Hannah," then yes, your writing may look a little dull. The main problem, however, is not the word "said." The main problem is that you're constructing all your sentences the same way.

I have a real problem with this, and having read this I’ve become determined to at least try and fix it. Pointing out the same sentence construction was very helpful, to say the least, and even more so were the examples that followed.

What you definitely should not do is replace "he said, she said, he said, she said, said Johnny" with "he annnounced, she protested, he explained, she vowed, accused Johnny."

XD When I was a lot younger, I used to do that everywhere. I had my own personal rule that every synonym for “said” on one page had to be different; I could not use any word for “said” more than once on that page. It was awful. Eventually I couldn’t stand it anymore and stopped.

The second thing is to use words you do know, if they fit, even if they weren't the first to come to mind. Before you consult anyone else, in person or in a book, try to think whether you already know how to make the sentence more interesting. If you look back at my examples of how to substitute other words for "get," none of my suggestions are particularly unusual words, but they're still more specifically suited to the context than "get."

This is a key point in writing, and I’m glad you’ve made it clear. I don’t know that I thought much about that before I read this.
Overall, this article was highly educational and useful, not to mention clearly written. Excellent work; a wonderful article!

A Hasee Bounce Novel
It was interesting for me to be reading this, because I wrote my own guide to Hasee Bounce a while back (called Mastering Hasee Bounce) and it’s nice to see other players’ view on the game. I don’t see guides to this game much, even though I think it’s a really good game.
The introduction to the guide is a fairly good one, mentioning that even if you can’t get an avatar you can get a trophy. I like how you point that out. I used to rant about how Hasee Bounce didn’t have an avatar (I mean, they had Hasee Bounce Day, for…*cough* *end mini rant*).

Use your spacebar and the arrow keys. That’s the best way. Yeah... I was just kind of telling you this so you... wouldn’t try and control the Hasees with your question mark key or anything.

Interesting. In my guide, I spoke as if the mouse were the only option. Later, I thought that maybe I should have mentioned the arrow keys as well. I wonder if, for the sake of players like me who use the mouse (I think we’re a minority *cough*), you could have mentioned something like “Some people use the mouse, but I think the spacebar and arrow keys are the best way…” Then again, who am I to talk?

If you can, try and get both. You get a couple extra points if you get two or more at a time.

This is a pretty brief reference to clustering, when it’s really one of the most important parts of the game. I can get 60-72 points on one Icy or Flaming fruit just by clustering a few fruits before them, which is a bit more than a couple extra points. Perhaps you could have pointed out that this is a pretty big factor in the game?
Overall, this is a nice, friendly introductory guide to Hasee Bounce. Good job!

Survival: a Guide to Neopian Camping
This was an amusing article. It did sort of confuse me to have all I ever thought I knew about directions be contradicted, but I knew that was part of the humor. It turned out to be the Space Station anyway…

Once you have found your tree (or trees, if you're planning on staying in the wild for too long), swing the weapon at the tree. A small dent should appear.

This had me smiling at the idea of cutting down a tree with a Plastic Butter Knife or a Rubber Battle Axe. The “small dent” thing was a subtle way to point out how ineffective this was. I had to wonder, though, how long it would take someone to split that log with their Rotten Cybunny Carrot or whatever they’re using…

Since you were a horrible camper and didn't follow this article very well, I would suggest never camping again!

Hmm… actually, it seems that the reader followed the article perfectly… that’s why they’re in this situation anyway, isn’t it?
Overall, this was quite a humorous article. Nice job.

I want to review Legend Seekers: Destiny Discovered, Avalon, and Purple Pebble this week. I meant to review them last week, but I didn't get to. Please slap me with a frozen lettuce if I haven't done it by this Thursday. >_<

[Tiger]

nut said:

I want to review Legend Seekers: Destiny Discovered, Avalon, and Purple Pebble this week. I meant to review them last week, but I didn't get to. Please slap me with a frozen lettuce if I haven't done it by this Thursday. >_<

Heh heh...no problem, Nut

[Deleted]

tashni said:

Survival: a Guide to Neopian Camping by puppy200010

This was an amusing article with some rather conflicting advice (direction wise ). I really enjoyed reading it, but there were a couple sentence errors I noticed. Like starting with "or" and "but". I think you should become more familiar with our good friend the semicolon if you want to add onto your sentences like that. Overall, it was a good article, though a little short. I would have like to hear more of your camping tips.

yuka said:

Survival: A Guide To Neopian Camping

Ehehe.. XD I don't think this would be very helpful to anyone who actually wanted to go camping, but it got a laugh out of me, so well done! ;D

tigerfanatic said:

Survival: A Guide to Neopian Camping
I enjoyed this article to the end
Very funny.

Although:

B) was stolen by a rabid bearog

Could have been improved if you said 'Vampire Bearog' (NQII joke )
Apart from that the Disclaimer was great ;D

"worthless random item that failed you in the Battledome" How big are you intending this fire to be?

9/10

nut said:

Article Reviews
Survival: a Guide to Neopian Camping
This was an amusing article. It did sort of confuse me to have all I ever thought I knew about directions be contradicted, but I knew that was part of the humor. It turned out to be the Space Station anyway…

Once you have found your tree (or trees, if you're planning on staying in the wild for too long), swing the weapon at the tree. A small dent should appear.

This had me smiling at the idea of cutting down a tree with a Plastic Butter Knife or a Rubber Battle Axe. The “small dent” thing was a subtle way to point out how ineffective this was. I had to wonder, though, how long it would take someone to split that log with their Rotten Cybunny Carrot or whatever they’re using…

Since you were a horrible camper and didn't follow this article very well, I would suggest never camping again!

Hmm… actually, it seems that the reader followed the article perfectly… that’s why they’re in this situation anyway, isn’t it?
Overall, this was quite a humorous article. Nice job.

Wow, thanks for all the reviews!

[Scar]

Gelert Diaries 2
by star_29791

Hmm, well the concept was nice, particularly how the story was written in a diary form in tribute to Elwyn. The parting remark especially topped the cake perfectly

One comment I have is that Marty isn’t really described properly for the story focuses on the adventures rather than Marty and Gruzzles. Perhaps you should have added more personal insights from Marty regarding the day’s adventures. It’s also a bit confusing because there was too much happening at one time.

But don’t fret. Overall I think the story’s okay. Good work nevertheless.

[Star]

scarven said:

Gelert Diaries 2
by star_29791

Hmm, well the concept was nice, particularly how the story was written in a diary form in tribute to Elwyn. The parting remark especially topped the cake perfectly

One comment I have is that Marty isn’t really described properly for the story focuses on the adventures rather than Marty and Gruzzles. Perhaps you should have added more personal insights from Marty regarding the day’s adventures. It’s also a bit confusing because there was too much happening at one time.

But don’t fret. Overall I think the story’s okay. Good work nevertheless.

Thanks for the review! I see what you mean, it was one of my very first stories I wrote a couple of months ago. Hopefully I've improved since then! =D

[Nut]

Short Story Reviews

The Long Road Home
A very nice story. ^^ Cooper’s character is animated and well-defined. The details about him like wearing his shirt backwards make him a curious person to read about. I like the cloud-watching scene. Cooper’s imaginative and jovial personality made him fun to read about. Cooper takes over the story to the point of almost becoming the main character, yet because the story is being told from Allen’s viewpoint we know that it is the Grundo who is meant to be the focus. For most of the story, Allen’s character seems secondary; his reactions are expected by the reader. He seemed a bit of an abrupt character in comparison to Cooper. That’s all right, of course, as the story is still an excellent one, and Cooper’s personality is very clear.

His electrified smile was shining at me.

Electrified smile. I like that.
The final sentence was a great end to an imaginative story. I hadn’t gotten the title until I read that. Overall, good work!
(The names in this story were strangely familiar to me, in that a side character of my first Times story was named Allen, and Cooper is the name of my neighbor’s dog. o_0)

Gelert Diaries 2
This is a cute story. The journal format stories have a certain charm to them, as does this one. I liked reading about Gruzzles’ antics. However, the focus of the story does seem to be on the events rather than the characters, as the journal simply tells what the main character did in play-by-play fashion. The events themselves are interesting mainly because of the characters in them, in particular Gruzzles, but also because of cameo appearances from characters like Jeran and Lisha and Alton the Kacheek. With this in mind, perhaps you could have shown more of Marty’s feelings towards the events in the diary.

He raced round and round in circles and then he leapt up into a tree and then back down, he raced around, knocking over passers-by and yapping.

Funny mental image. XD
The ending of this story was great. It couldn’t have ended any other way. On a whole, nice work!

I Remember
Aww, what a sweet story! I liked this story a lot. The opening sentence begins with the two words of the title, making the reader think that that’s what the title relates to, but as the story goes on it becomes clear that what the title really refers to is little Steven’s memory loss. The main character of the story came across as being quite real to me.

"So, uh, what's your name?" After I asked that simple question, I wished I didn't. What if he didn't remember what his name was? I mean, sure the Nurse told him, but what if he forgot?

Ryan’s overly cautious attitude here seemed to add to his personality, making him seem caring though apparently thinking that Steven’s condition was more extreme than it was.

"I doubt that. It's been hours and he or she hasn't shown."

Poor Steven. His owner never did show, not that I was expecting him/her to. It makes me wonder where Steven will go after he gets out of the hospital. Will he remember his owner? Hmm… suddenly I want a sequel. XD
I enjoyed this story very much throughout. I did catch one tiny grammar error where you describe Steven for the first time as “looking anxious around him”, as opposed to anxiously. It’s a very small mistake and doesn’t really matter when the rest of the story is so good. All together, great work!

[Dan]

nut said:

Short Story Reviews

The Long Road Home
A very nice story. ^^ Cooper’s character is animated and well-defined. The details about him like wearing his shirt backwards make him a curious person to read about. I like the cloud-watching scene. Cooper’s imaginative and jovial personality made him fun to read about. Cooper takes over the story to the point of almost becoming the main character, yet because the story is being told from Allen’s viewpoint we know that it is the Grundo who is meant to be the focus. For most of the story, Allen’s character seems secondary; his reactions are expected by the reader. He seemed a bit of an abrupt character in comparison to Cooper. That’s all right, of course, as the story is still an excellent one, and Cooper’s personality is very clear.

His electrified smile was shining at me.

Electrified smile. I like that.
The final sentence was a great end to an imaginative story. I hadn’t gotten the title until I read that. Overall, good work!
(The names in this story were strangely familiar to me, in that a side character of my first Times story was named Allen, and Cooper is the name of my neighbor’s dog. o_0)

Thank you very much for reviewing. I appreciate it! ;D