Who Needs an Owner? Part 1 Tell me what you think

[pinkiesgirl]

Pikatribble said:

Maybe it should be 'all the pets in the pound want a petpet'?

Oops! That's what I meant! And thanks for the comments!

~Sarah

[Wizard of Aus]

Just two brief comments, and don't throw the anti-editor book at me for it.

1) The traditional "people don't say 'Dark Underscore Bounty Underscore Hunter'" comment. Well, they don't... and, even though Neopets is an electronic universe, it's simpler just to say 'Dark Bounty Hunter'. Rolls off the tongue better.

2) What sort of comb do you use to pick a lock? A hairpin, maybe, if that's what you mean... but did Hunter break a comb tooth off to use as a lock pick, or does it have a particularly thin and pointy part, or...

Unsolicited Side Comment) The Pound never officially closes - you can adopt or abandon a pet at any hour. The Techo in charge of abandonment cases (not the sole caseworker, but the boss) is officially known as Dr. Death, and the Uni in charge of adoption cases has no official listed name. They are likely not the only workers there (Dr. Death can't possibly euthanize that many Neopets at once all by himself when it's time to clear the pound out, for example - and when it's feeding time at the pound, someone's got to remain at the front desks.) This doesn't have a strong impact on the story, except to point out that people do adopt and abandon at all hours of the night... so the trick wouldn't be picking the front door lock, but sneaking out of the pound section and losing oneself amongst the few visitors at an hour when only the late shift is about. Or not.

-=steps back and prepares to dodge thrown battery cases=-

[pinkiesgirl]

*Picks up the keyboard and aims it at your head*

Just Kidding

Those are very valid comments. I was thinking he would use the end of the comb, the handle if you will, to pick the lock since that end is usually thin and sometimes pointy. But I should probably explain that seeing as the readers can't read my mind. *stupid unevolved life forms!*

I guess technically the pound doesn't close. Hmm, that could make for a more interesting escape sequence. Sneaking past Dr. Death...I'll put some thought into it.

Thanks!
~Sarah

[pinkiesgirl]

"Whenever my owner...old owner, Eric, took his pet, Skullington, to the Training Academy, we travelled in a sort of teleportation device. It looked like an elevator but it didn't go up and down like that. The doors would close and Eric would push a button and when the doors opened again we would mysteriously be at the school."

Fogger frowned, "How strange...will it take us to the Healing Springs?"

Suddenly, a passing Blumaroo hopped over , "Transporters will take you anywhere you want to go!" he said, "follow me!"

Hunter looked at Fogger and shrugged, "Why not?" Fogger smiled and the pair hurried to catch up with the bouncing blumaroo. By the time Hunter and Fogger caught up the blumaroo was already waiting by a the transporter.

"This," said the Blumaroo, "Is a Transporter and my name's Greg!" Greg hopped into the transporter, "Hurry up!" he said, "I know you're headed for the Healing Springs and I'm not sure how much longer that scraggly Kyrii's gonna last!""

Fogger growled as angerily and a Warf can growl, "He's not scraggly, he's hurt."

Hunter patted him lightly on the head, "It's all right Fogger, let's go." Hunter and Fogger stepped carefully into the Transporter as Greg began to maddly push buttons on the control panel. "Healing Springs, Here we come!" he said.

With that, the group was zipped away from Neopia Central. When the doors opened again, Hunter and Fogger ran from the transporter in excitement. Hunter looked over the vast expanse of purple clouds, "where's the Water Faerie?" he asked.

Greg stood in the doorway and gulped, "sorry guys. I think I made a mistake!" The doors closed and the Blumaroo was gone. Hunter and Fogger looked at eachother in fear, "where are we??" Fogger asked.

"Welcome," a voice from behind them said, "My name is Jhudora, welcome to my home..."

[Patjade]

The story is shaping up pretty good. One typo that jumped out is angerily. It should be spelled angrily.

Also, "eachother" should be each other.

Now I am curious as to how they will deal with Jhudora...

[karmaleafbarer]

Wizardofaus said:

They are likely not the only workers there (Dr. Death can't possibly euthanize that many Neopets at once all by himself when it's time to clear the pound out, for example

Mmhh, I don't think they euthanize/delete/destroy pets in the pound, moreso they just stop being listed on the adoption roster after awhile....my case for arguing this is I once went to name a pet mauvette and found that the name was already taken, so I made a variation. I checked on the pet currently owning the name and found that it was a red usul in the pound. I thought "Eh...cute neopet, nice name, it'll get adopted."

A few months later, out of my own morbid curiousity, I remembered little mauvette and went to see who she'd ended up with as an owner. The answer? Nobody. STILL in the pound. I put up a notice about her on the chat boards and told people to give her a home and had no takers....so a week later I broke down and adopted her myself. Still have her, in fact...she's a nice faerie color now, but that's beside the point. Err...yeah I'll shush now x.x

[PinkiesGirl]

Karmaleafbarer said:

STILL in the pound.

how do you know she was STILL in the pound? She might have been adopted and then reabandoned...I dunno. I was wondering about the pets being destroyed too...although it would make sense to "clear up some space" Anyone know for sure?

~Sarah

[Killix]

PinkiesGirl: nice story, I think it has the potential to be really good. I've noticed a few typos but those can easily be fixed. And I'd suggest the Part 1 be a little longer.

Karma: hmm...I don't know about that. When I first started out at Neopets I made a mistake and created two Badeeks with similar names, I got rid of one in the pound and a month later she was gone. "this pet does not exist in Neopia" appeared when I looked up her name to see if someone had adopted her. My only explaination is that they deleted her (stupid old lady at the pound deleted poor Foxix!)

[Lappi]

Oh, cool!! Hey, Sarah! I'm kind of a newbie too, I've only written in the Neopian Times once, and even then I thought I wouldn't make it (I waited about two weeks)! I'm really sure you can, and don't forget to never give up hope (that's what I should say when I'm writing poems *sighs*)!!!

[pinkiesgirl]

Hmm, it's been awhile. SOrry, I've been very busy with school and work and the Holidays...I've got some more to write, if you'de still like to hear it!

Hunter and Fogger turned around to see a faerie dressed in long purple and green robes. Fogger gulped, "C'mon Hunter, let's get out of here!"

Hunter shook his head, "no, maybe she can help us" Fogger's eyes bulged, "Help us?" he whispered, "don't you know who she is??"

Jhudora laughed aimiably, "You must have heard some strange stories about me, little Warf. But don't be afraid, I would love to help you!"

Hunter smiled, "I'm so glad we found you! You see, I was abandoned after I lost a fight at the Battledome and I snuck out of the pound so that I can explore Neopia by myself. But, I was injured in my fight and so we were trying to find Healing Springs so the Water Faerie can heal me."

A low growl came from Jhudora's throat and Hunter looked at her in surprise but she recovered quickly, "you are seeking help from the Water Faerie? Why does everyone go to her? I can do so much more for you, little one. I know your deepest, darkest dreams...With my help, you can be one of the strongest pets in Neopia!"

Hunter ran to Jhudora and grabbed her hand, "Really? You can do that?"

Jhudora smiled, "Of course, I only need one thing from you..."

Fogger ran forward, "don't do it Hunter! If you let her help you, she'll own you forever! She's a witch, an evil witch! C'mon, let's get out of her!"

Hunter slapped the warf across the face, sending him tumbling to the ground. "Don't you talk about her that way! You have no right..."

Fogger stood up, tears running down his face, "She already has her evil hands on your heart...I thought you were my friend." Slowly the warf turned and walked back to the Teleporter.

Hunter shrugged and looked at Jhudora in admiration, "Who needs him?"

Jhudora laughed, "Come with me little Kyrii, let's get started."