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Post by Tdyans on Jan 12, 2003 17:47:01 GMT -5
And what about that Water Faerie who heals our poor neopets? How many times has she left your bank balance untouched by healing or curing your pet, when you could have had to face the 20k odd that is the price Neopia’s health service. And the Soup Faerie, living at the bottom of that dank cooking pot, running a service initially set up to feed the poor Neopians, now just a refuge for people too lazy to work! [glow=red,2,300]Eh, I wouldn't generalize by saying that everyone who goes to her is lazy[/glow] And the countless other Faeries that dish out the dough for stupid [glow=red,2,300]try "silly." Stupid is a bit harsh... and once when I said "stupid" in a story, it got changed to "blasted." I think they're a bit more lenient now, but still...[/glow]reasons such as losing a tooth you didn’t even lose or spinning a wheel!
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Post by Tdyans on Jan 12, 2003 17:49:44 GMT -5
ok, i changed that bit to this: Well, there’s still the Snowager and Snow Faerie. [glow=red,2,300]You need to make some mention that she won't be there any more either. Also, have you noticed that you start a lot of sentences with "Well." It's not terrible, but you might try to vary things a bit when you have two sentences in a row like that.[/glow] Well at least that's one Faerie we won't miss; she drains our bank account to get us to buy her chocolate! I bet the only potion she makes goes by the name of double fudge chip sundae! But then again, she is a source of the number one defence item: the scorchstone. [glow=red,2,300]she's "a source" not "the source." At least, I think you can buy those in the shops.[/glow]
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2003 12:59:28 GMT -5
ok, i took ur advice, and heres the outcome:
If The Hidden Tower Really Did Hide.
By Rishiy
FAERIE LAND – Many Neopians take to the sky everyday to travel to the wonder that is faerie land. Hundreds do the quests, buy the fragile little items and even search for the Hidden Tower itself. But what would we do if these luxuries disappeared?
Ok, so maybe I’m being a bit hasty as I said, I mean our winged companions have no reason to leave us, do they?
Well actually yes. Let’s pick a random pet, oh lets say….Balthazar. This completely random individual has been capturing pets for years, just because he was pestered by a few bad ones in his time. Then, even the kindest of Neopians will only rescue one for the prize of an awesome ability. It doesn’t really say that much for what we think of them does it. Are we neglecting our faerie friends?
But Balthazar has been around a while and the faeries don’t seem to be packing their bags just yet, so what, has the present brought, that would make them want to leave? A war. With the thousands of Neopians flocking to the water faeries for instant healing, and Illusen and Jhudoras homes being practically raised to the ground by pets doing quests in exchange for weapons. Even Balthazar (yes, back to him) has been literally pressured into bottling the poor creatures.
Ok, lets not be to hasty, that’s not likely to happen is it? But let’s see what would happen if one of our number one sources of, well just about everything failed us.
Faerie Paint Brush: If the faeries were to disappear, surely they would take this with them. What would happen to all the faerie pets? Would their wings flutter to the ground like leaves off a tree? Would we have to look on helplessly as many an owner tried franticly to glue on their precious pets means of flight? If this happened, would we watch as pets plummeted out of the sky like meteors from the very skies above…oh, ahem…Well it wouldn’t be very nice would it? But also, these brushes sell form thousands as do their petpet counterparts, would one of Neopia’s hooks go down the toilet? Umm…if Neopia had toilets that is. You see, many of the people I’ve referred, were attracted by the faeries. New users seem to like our glowing companions.
Faerie Land: If the faeries went, would their home land come crashing through the clouds destroying everything it hit, or would it just spontaneously combust? Would all the people living there run around screaming as their homes burned to the ground? Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating. Dose Faerie Land really need faeries to survive? Well, yes. A floating city isn’t something you see everyday is it? And there for, obviously needs a fair bit of magic or extreme science to keep it in place. And unless Sloth had a sickening feminine side he just had to show off, only fearies would have the means to do so.
Items: Many of us buy the dainty little cutie-pie petpets and pink thinks that go on sale in the bright pink shops. If they went, would we have imploded our last Floud with the power of carrots? Will we have munched our last cupcake? How will we buy these items? If it happens, I think well be seeing a lot more of that ugly grey retired sign. Ok, retired items do sell for a fare price, but they will disappear quickly, as on last check, the faeries only sell books food and petpets, two of which are expendable items. And the Hidden Tower. Will it reveal itself and be open for plunderers? Ok, maybe its not all bad, boy would I like to get my hands on a few of those….ahem…where was I?
Level Ups: What about the blessings the faeries give us. Without the help of our bottled companions, our pets would stay, wasting away as level 3 dust-weights, let alone feather-weights! All our watery attacks would run dry our air ones would plummet from great heights, our earth blows would crumble and our fire
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2003 12:59:44 GMT -5
would extinguish! And that’s just not good! It will be an age of darkness, not even that with out a certain faerie sort, and we won’t be able to defend our selves. If it ever happens, stronger pet will find a lot of seedy weakling on their front porch searching for refuge!
What if they do leave, how will we survive? Well for training, we still have the island training school and cooking pot. Well actually, no. The island cooking pot we hold dear for weapons will close if the Island Faerie, Jhuidah leaves. And as far as I can see, she runs the whole island, or at least looks after it, so that would fall into disrepair soon after.
Well there’s still the Snowager and snow faerie. Well at least there is one Faerie we wont miss, she drains our bank account to get us to buy her chocolate! I bet the only potion she makes goes by the name of double fudge chip sundae! But then again, she is the source of the number one defence item, the scorchstone. And not even the Snowager will keep going. You see, the great ice beast gives out mainly neggs, and who else gives out neggs? The negg faerie! Can you work out what I’m getting at? If the faerie in question leaves, we will have nowhere to cash in the treasures, even if the Snowager’s supply does last out a bit.
And what about that Water Faerie that heals our poor neopets? How many times has she left you bank balance untouched by healing your pet, when you could have had to face the 20k odd that is the price Neopia’s health service. And the Soup Faerie, living at the bottom of that dank cooking pot, running a service initially set up to feed the poor Neopian’s, now just a refuge for people to lazy to work! And the countless other Faeries that dish out the dough for stupid reasons such as loosing a tooth you didn’t even loose and spinning a wheel!
Well, I think I’ve proven my point, we neglect the faeries and they could be planning a secret escape right this minute! Well if they do go, at least we can rely on Chet Flash! Ummm, actually, I think I better go do some grovelling to Fyora!
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Post by Princess Ember Mononoke on Jan 13, 2003 13:30:26 GMT -5
would extinguish! And that’s just not good! It will be an age of darkness, not even that with out without a certain faerie sort, and we won’t be able to defend our selves ourselves. If it ever happens, stronger pet pets will find a lot of seedy weakling on their front porch searching for refuge! With no element faeries there are no elements? I find this a bit hard to believe, though you might be able to pull it off. Also, there are many pets who get along just fine without being leveled up. Wht we will need to defend ourselves against? Again, I'm mostly nitpicking here, but if you want to REALLY get your point across you have to be believable.What if they do leave, how will we survive? Well for training, we still have the island training school and cooking pot. Well actually, no. The island cooking pot we hold dear for weapons will close if the Island Faerie, Jhuidah leaves. And as far as I can see, she runs the whole island, or at least looks after it, so that would fall into disrepair soon after. Well there’s still the Snowager and snow faerie. Well at least there is one Faerie we wont miss, she drains our bank account to get us to buy her chocolate! I bet the only potion she makes goes by the name of double fudge chip sundae! But then again, she is the source of the number one defence item, the scorchstone. Again, scorchstones are sold at the magic shop. But you MIGHT want to mention instead a few anecdotres of people you know getting Draik Morphing Potions, Rods of Nova, and Battle Ducks from her And not even the Snowager will keep going. You see, the great ice beast gives out mainly neggs, and who else gives out neggs? The negg faerie! Can you work out what I’m getting at? If the faerie in question leaves, we will have nowhere to cash in the treasures, even if the Snowager’s supply does last out a bit. And what about that Water Faerie that heals our poor neopets? How many times has she left you bank balance untouched by healing your pet, when you could have had to face the 20k odd that is the price Neopia’s health service. And the Soup Faerie, living at the bottom of that dank cooking pot, running a service initially set up to feed the poor Neopian’s, now just a refuge for people to lazy to work! And the countless other Faeries that dish out the dough for stupid silly reasons such as loosing losing a tooth you didn’t even loose lose and spinning a wheel! Well, I think I’ve proven my point, we neglect the faeries and they could be planning a secret escape right this minute! Well if If they do go, at least we can rely on Chet Flash! Ummm, actually, I think I better go do some grovelling to Fyora! Some little last tweaks here and there, mostly just spelling erorrs. It's really come along since the last version, though.
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Post by Princess Ember Mononoke on Jan 13, 2003 13:42:04 GMT -5
ok, i took ur advice, and heres the outcome: If The Hidden Tower Really Did Hide. By Rishiy FAERIE LAND – Many Neopians take to the sky everyday to travel to the wonder that is faerie land. Hundreds do the quests, buy the fragile little items and even search for the Hidden Tower itself. But what would we do if these luxuries disappeared? Ok, so maybe I’m being a bit hasty as I said, I mean our winged companions have no reason to leave us, do they? Well actually yes. Let’s pick a random pet, oh lets let's say….Balthazar. This completely random individual has been capturing pets faeries for years, just because he was pestered by a few bad ones in his time. Then, even the kindest of Neopians will only rescue one for the prize of an awesome ability. It doesn’t really say that much for what we think of them insert comma here does it. Question mark, not period. Are we neglecting our faerie friends? But Balthazar has been around a while and the faeries don’t seem to be packing their bags just yet, so what, comma does NOT belong here has the present brought, that would make them want to leave? A war. With the thousands of Neopians flocking to the water faeries for instant healing, and Illusen and Jhudoras Jhudora's homes being practically raised razed to the ground by pets doing quests in exchange for weapons. Even Balthazar (yes, back to him) has been literally pressured into bottling the poor creatures. Ok, lets not be to too hasty, that’s not likely to happen is it? But let’s see what would happen if one of our number one sources of, well just about everything failed us. Faerie Paint Brush: If the faeries were to disappear, surely they would take this with them. What would happen to all the faerie pets? Would their wings flutter to the ground like leaves off a tree? Would we have to look on helplessly as many an owner tried franticly to glue on their precious pets means of flight? If this happened, would we watch as pets plummeted out of the sky like meteors from the very skies above…oh, ahem…Well it wouldn’t be very nice would it? But also, these brushes sell form for thousands as do their petpet counterparts, would one of Neopia’s hooks go down the toilet? Umm…if Neopia had toilets that is. You see, many of the people I’ve referred, were attracted by the faeries. New users seem to like our glowing companions. Even if faeries DID take the paint brushes, why would already painted pet lose their wings? Elaborate.Faerie Land: If the faeries went, would their home land come crashing through the clouds destroying everything it hit, or would it just spontaneously combust? Would all the people living there run around screaming as their homes burned to the ground? Ok, maybe I’m exaggerating. Dose Faerie Land really need faeries to survive? Well, yes. A floating city isn’t something you see everyday is it? And there for, obviously needs a fair bit of magic or extreme science to keep it in place. And unless Sloth had a sickening feminine side he just had to show off, only fearies would have the means to do so. Items: Many of us buy the dainty little cutie-pie petpets and pink thinks that go on sale in the bright pink shops. If they went, would we have imploded our last Floud with the power of carrots? Will we have munched our last cupcake? How will we buy these items? If it happens, I think well we'll be seeing a lot more of that ugly grey retired sign. Ok, retired items do sell for a fare fair price, but they will disappear quickly, as on last check, the faeries only sell books food and petpets, two of which are expendable items. And the Hidden Tower. Will it reveal itself and be open for plunderers? Ok, maybe its not all bad, boy would I like to get my hands on a few of those….ahem…where was I? Level Ups: What about the blessings the faeries give us. Without the help of our bottled companions, our pets would stay, wasting away as level 3 dust-weights, let alone feather-weights! All our watery attacks would run dry our air ones would plummet from great heights, our earth blows would crumble and our fire One again, mostly typos and grammar and spelling mistakes. But great improvement from the original.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2003 13:49:54 GMT -5
I just sent it in, fingers crossed it gets in. Thank you all so much. ;D
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Post by Tdyans on Jan 13, 2003 14:43:05 GMT -5
As has been pointed out, a lot of the typos that some of us corrected earlier remain.: Good luck, but if you don't get in this time around, you should try working on cleaning up those little details and then send it again.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 13, 2003 17:20:37 GMT -5
OK, I will.
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Post by Lappi on Jan 13, 2003 17:32:31 GMT -5
Ugh. I'm sorry I didn't check this sooner. Tomorrow for sure -- I have to eat dinner and then it's my brother's turn to go on.
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Post by Lappi on Jan 13, 2003 18:19:26 GMT -5
Right. I read it. Snow Faerie should have capitals on both stuffies, and if you want to make it longer, add some stuff about the Healing Springs. On the third paragraph, it should go "Well, actually, yes." Other than those things, I think that's REALLY good! ;D
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Post by roselladestiny on Jan 19, 2003 20:27:23 GMT -5
Congratulations! It got in! (Which is more than I can say for my story. *pouts*)
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