If the hidden tower really did hide

[Deleted]

Ok, heres my latest work, i just did it now. ITs not that great and i was really tired. All i need is some constructive critism and some ideas for one more section just to bring it up to the word recomendation.here it is:

If The Hidden Tower
Really Did Hide.

By Rishiy


FAERIE LAND – Many Neopians and people alike take to the sky everyday to travel to the wonder that is faerie land. Hundreds do the quests, buy the frilly little items and even search for the Hidden Tower its self. But what would we do if these luxuries disappeared?

Ok, lets not be to hasty, that’s not likely to happen is it? But lets see what would happen if our number on source failed us.

Faerie Paint Brush:
If the faeries were to disappear, surely they would take this with them. What would happen to all the faerie pets? Would their wings flutter to the ground like leaves off a tree? Would we have to look on helplessly as many an owner tried franticly to glue on their precious pets means of flight? If this happened, would we watch as pets plummeted out of the sky like meteors from the very skies above….oh…ahem. Well it wouldn’t be very nice would it? But also, these brushes sell form thousands as do their petpet counterparts, would one of our main selling points go down the toilet? Umm…if Neopia had toilets that is.

Faerie Land:
If the faeries went, would their home land come crashing through the clouds destroying everything it hit, or would it just spontaneously combust? Would all the people living there run around screaming as their homes burned to the ground?

Items:
Many of us buy the frilly little cutie pie doilies and dainties that go on sale in the bright pink shops. If they went, would we have imploded our last Floud with the power of carrots? Will we have munched our last cupcake? How will we sell these items? If it happens, I think well be seeing a lot more of that ugly grey retired sign. And the Hidden Tower. Will it reveal itself and be open for plunderers? Ok, maybe its not all bad, boy would I like to get my hands on a few of those….ahem…where was I?

Level Ups:
Without the help of our bottled companions, our pets will stay, wasting away as level 3 dust-weights, let alone feather-weights! All our watery attacks will run dry our air ones will plummet from great heights, our earth blows will crumble and our fire will extinguish! And that’s just no good! It will be an age of darkness, not even that with out a certain faerie sort, and we won’t be able to defend our selves. If it ever happens stronger pet will find a lot of seedy weakling on their front porch!

Ok, so maybe I’m being a bit hasty as I said, I mean our winged companions have no reason to leave us, do they?

Well actually yes. Let’s pick a random pet, oh lets say….Balthazar. This completely random individual has been capturing pets for years, just because he was pestered by a few bad ones in his time. And then, even the kindest of Neopians will only rescue one for the prize of an awesome ability. It doesn’t really say that much for what we think of them does it. Are we neglecting our faerie friends?

What if they do leave, how will we survive? Well for training, we still have the island training school. Well actually, no. The island it self is held up by Jhuidah, you guessed it, a faerie, so if she left the island would fall into disrepair and the school would close. The cooking pot we hold dear, for weapons and rare petpets would close soon after too.

Well there’s still the Snowadger and snow faeri…I’m not even going to bother. And not even the Snowadger will keep going. You see, the great ice beast gives out mainly neggs, and who else gives out neggs? The negg faerie! Can you work out what I’m getting at?

Well, I think I’ve proven my point, we neglect the faeries and they could be planning a secret escape right this minute! Well if they do go, at least we can rely on Chet Flash! Ummm, actually, I think I better go do some grovelling to Fyora!

[Lappi]

Hmm... It has to be a little longer, but otherwise it's good... just a few errors...

...and even search for the Hidden Tower itself...

...but let's see what...

...from the very skies above... oh, ahem....

...buy the little cutie-pie dollies and... (you've used the word "frilly" before)

...still the Snowager and the Snow Faerie... (Snowager doesn't have a "d").

Okie, that's it! Just edit it yourself and make it about 2-3 pages long, and you're good to go, with very good ideas... (don't forget the poor water faerie who heals us!)

[Deleted]

Okay.I just need your ideas on another few sections, thats my main reason for posting.

[hippiesoul]

You might want to add more in depth text to each faerie, instead of saying "you're not even going to bother". =P

[Deleted]

hippiesoul said:

You might want to add more in depth text to each faerie, instead of saying "you're not even going to bother". =P

Yep i thaught of changing that.

heres another paragraph i put in:

And what about that Water Faerie that heals our poor neopets? How many times has she left you bank balance untouched by healing your pet, when you could have had to face the 20k odd that is the price Neopia’s health service. And the Soup Faerie, living at the bottom of that dank cooking pot, running a service initially set up to feed the poor Neopian’s, now just a refuge for people to lazy to work! And the countless other Faeries that dish out the dough for stupid reasons such as loosing a tooth you didn’t even loose and spinning a wheel!

[Deleted]

hippiesoul said:

You might want to add more in depth text to each faerie, instead of saying "you're not even going to bother". =P

ok, i changed that bit to this: Well there’s still the Snowager and snow faerie. Well at least there is one Faerie we wont miss, she drains our bank account to get us to buy her chocolate! I bet the only poyion she makes goes by the name of double fudge chip sundae! But then again, she is the source of the number one defence item, the scorchstone.

[sollunaestrella]

Faeries existed long before Faerieland did, though. All faeries did, including the Snow/Negg/Battle, etc.

It still does bring up valid points.

[Deleted]

Did anyone notice...i used chet.

[sollunaestrella]

rishiy said:

Did anyone notice...i used chet.

Ah! Yes! I see! Excessive use of exclamation points!

[Deleted]

! !ove exc!a!mat!on Po!nts

[Princess Ember Mononoke]

Okay, rishiy, you asked for it, so you're going to get my critiqu full blast!

First of all, I don't get why faerie paint brushes would suddenly diasappear if faeries left. Maybe there wouldn't be any more of them, but are faeries going to steal them back? You might want to elaborate on that a little more.

Second of all, you spent all of one paragraph explaining WHY the faeries would leave. If there's one area you could bulk up, that would be it. Remember, Baltahzar or however you spell his name has been around for quite some time, and faeries have showed no sign of leaving during all of it. BTW, maybe we need some idea of where the faeries would go.

OR, you could change this article from a "We better treat the faeries right or they're all going to leave us!" tone to a "Faeries are under-appreciated" tone. You might want to change the idea from "Where would Neopia be if the faeries left?" to a simpler and easier to explain "WHere would Neopia be without any faeries."

[Deleted]

Okay, thanks. that was just the kind of post i was looking for. now i know hat to elaborate on! Thanks SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much!!!!!

[stoneman3x]

Okay, there are a lot of helpful messages here... and keeping in mind this is just me opinion... here goes...

First of all I would chuck "and people alike" out of the first sentence. I makes it sound like Neopians aren't people... unless that was intended to be funny... then ummm... nevermind. Sentences seem rather long... second paragraph change "sell form thousands" to "sell for thousands". In general, I would like to see each paragraph not just ask "what will happen?" but actually give your views on how each disappearing faerie thing would ACTUALLY impact Neopia-- in your opinion, of course. I would encapsulate each paragraph into it's own separate thought-- and discuss the consequences of each as a separate problem-- and if some things overlap, refer briefly to them in following paragraph-thoughts. If you lose your reader of the POINT of your article or bore him with too many unanswered questions-- you've defeated the purpose of the article, which is... hopefully... to make people think. Now on to style-- good style-- I love the way you phrase things-- don't change a bit of that!

[Tdyans]

Here's an edited copy-- I fixed some of the technical errors like misspellings, typos, run-ons, etc. I also made a few notes in the glowing text about my bigger changes and/or suggestions.

Many Neopians and people alike [glow=red,2,300]people in Neopia are Neopians, so this phrase is pointless[/glow] take to the sky every day to travel to the wonder that is Faerieland. Hundreds do the quests, buy the frilly little items [glow=red,2,300]are there any items sold up there that are really that frilly?[/glow] and even search for the Hidden Tower itself. But what would we do if these luxuries disappeared?

Okay, let's not be too hasty; that’s not likely to happen, is it? But let's see what would happen if our number one source [glow=red,2,300]Uh, number one source for what?[/glow] failed us.

Faerie Paint Brush:
If the faeries were to disappear, surely they would take this with them. What would happen to all the faerie pets? Would their wings flutter to the ground like leaves from a tree? Would we have to look on helplessly as many an owner tried frantically to glue on their precious pets' means of flight? If this happened, would we watch as pets plummeted out of the sky like meteors? from the very skies above….oh…ahem. [glow=red,2,300]the first part is repetetive. "oh... ahem." is your stylistic choice, I suppose, but personally I think the article would be better without it.[/glow] Well it wouldn’t be very nice would it? But also, these brushes sell for thousands as do their petpet counterparts Would one of our main selling points [glow=red,2,300]Since I think you're saying that one of the main things that people make NP from will be gone, I don't think "selling points" is the phrase you want here. If you're sure it is, explain it more. What is it a selling point for? Does it encourage people to play Neopets?[/glow] go down the toilet? Umm…if Neopia had toilets that is.

Faerie Land:
If the faeries went, would their homeland come crashing through the clouds, destroying everything it hit, or would it just spontaneously combust? Would all the people living there run around screaming as their homes burned to the ground? [glow=red,2,300]Or would nothing happen at all? Does Faerieland need faeries to exist? If it does according to your theory, explain that further. (I really don't think the homes burning to the ground thing is the greatest image, somehow, either way...)[/glow]

Items:
Many of us buy the little cutie pie doilies [glow=red,2,300]Eh, there are not literally any doilies in Neopia...[/glow] and dainties that go on sale in the bright pink shops. If they went, would we have imploded our last Floud with the power of carrots? Will we have munched our last faerie cupcake? How will we sell these items? [glow=red,2,300]For a lot of NP if they're suddenly retired... but maybe you mean "How will we buy these items?"[/glow] If it [glow=red,2,300]what?[/glow]happens, I think we'll be seeing a lot more of that ugly grey retired sign. And the Hidden Tower-- will it reveal itself and be open for plunderers? Okay, maybe it's not all bad. Boy would I like to get my hands on a few of those….ahem…where was I?

[Tdyans]

Oh how I love wrestling with character limits.

Level Ups:
Without the help of our bottled companions, our pets will [glow=red,2,300]go back to using "would" instead of "will"-- this is still a hypothetical situation[/glow]stay, wasting away as level 3 dust-weights, let alone feather-weights! All our watery attacks will run dry, our air ones will plummet from great heights, our earth blows will crumble and our fire will extinguish! And that’s just no good! It will be an age of darkness, not even that with out a certain faerie sort, [glow=red,2,300]I get what you're saying, but it's confusing[/glow]and we won’t be able to defend ourselves. If it ever happens, stronger pets will find a lot of seedy weaklings on their front porch! [glow=red,2,300]Why?[/glow]

Ok, so maybe I’m being a bit hasty, as I said. I mean our winged companions have no reason to leave us, do they?

Well actually yes. Let’s pick a random pet, oh let's say….Balthazar. This completely random individual has been capturing faeries for years, just because he was pestered by a few bad ones in his time. And then, even the kindest of Neopians will only rescue one for the prize of an awesome ability. It doesn’t really say that much for what we think of them, does it? Are we neglecting our faerie friends?

What if they do leave. How will we survive? Well for training, we still have the island training school, right? Well actually, no. The island itself is held up by Jhuidah-- you guessed it, a faerie-- so if she left, the island would fall into disrepair and the school would close. The cooking pot we hold dear, for weapons and rare petpets, would close soon after too. [glow=red,2,300]wouldn't it close first, since that is what Jhuidah specifically runs?[/glow]

Well, there’s still the Snowager and Snow Faeri…I’m not even going to bother. And not even the Snowager will keep going. You see, the great ice beast gives out mainly neggs, and who else gives out neggs? The Negg Faerie! [glow=red,2,300]I think you could explain the Negg system a little bit more. If the Snowager and Negg Faerie both give out neggs, it seems like it doesn't matter if there's no Negg Faerie. But since the neggs the snowager gives out are only worth something if you can redeem them for the neggs that the Negg Faerie gives out... you get the picture.[/glow] Can you work out what I’m getting at?

Well, I think I’ve proven my point. We neglect the faeries and they could be planning a secret escape right this minute! Well, if they do go, at least we can rely on Chet Flash! Ummm, actually, I think I better go do some grovelling to Fyora!

I don't think this is way too short or anything, and you have picked an interesting and fairly original subject. The main thing, I think, is that you need to explain some of your theories a little more. Why would the disappearance of Faeries spell doom for Faerieland and Mystery Island, why would the faerie paint brush necessarily have to disappear, etc.? And I think you should work on a new title-- it just gives the wrong expectation of what the article's about, and plus, you say in the article that the Hidden Tower would in fact become UN-hidden! That's all I can think of for now. Good luck!