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Post by pichuthegreat on Jan 12, 2003 11:43:29 GMT -5
It was a beautiful morning, too beautiful( music starts coming from the background) and the beautiful morning was being swept aside by the fiery argument inside the mazelike streets of the forest of lupeland. So heated was the argument that even form the streets of neopia central you could hear the lupes yelling at each other(and bonking each other silly with a jelly chicken) TEXT*in lupe forest* "Oh Emerald what shall we do that band of chias have been stealing our food and now we have nothing to eat"Lotta asked emerald the leader of the lupe pack. "For once I do not know Lotta we have sent our bravest lupes already to try to infitrate they're camp and none have returned" emerald said with a bit of fear in his voice for he could see the crowd was on the verge more will be added but i have to go ;D
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Post by Lappi on Jan 12, 2003 12:27:17 GMT -5
Umm... you're using speach stuff. Adding music is like... speach stuff, you know. You can't put *lupe runs away* or anything like that, you have to put "The lupe ran away", see? You need to make it more like a story... other than that... it's good...
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Post by pichuthegreat on Jan 12, 2003 19:34:22 GMT -5
It was a beautiful morning, too beautiful(dun dun dun) and the beautiful morning was being swept aside by the fiery argument inside the mazelike streets of the forest of lupeland. So heated was the argument that even form the streets of neopia central you could hear the lupes yelling at each other(and bonking each other silly with a jelly chicken)
*in lupe forest*
"Oh Emerald what shall we do that band of chias have been stealing our food and now we have nothing to eat"Lotta asked emerald the leader of the lupe pack.
"For once I do not know Lotta we have sent our bravest lupes already to try to infitrate they're camp and none have returned" emerald said with a bit of fear in his voice for he could see the crowd was on the verge of mob and already he could see emerging form the crowds pockets we're freshly cooked jelly chickens.
Emerald decidied to act fast and said "I have an idea does anyone have an idea (cricket cricket). Just as the crowd drew at their jelly chickens and prepared to mob a lupe stepped in and said
"I will save you from this chia menace" the lupe said in a heroic voice.
"Who's that" all the lupes said in chorus and as they turned around they could see it was none other than..."some idiot wearing as tortilla on his head" they groaned
"Not just any idiot wearing a tortilla on his head but cloud destroyer of chia and eater of tacos" he replied as he attempted to strike a noble pose and instead smashed himself with a taco.
more will be added tommorow
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Post by lupe on Jan 12, 2003 19:36:19 GMT -5
Did you just make up Lotta? If so, your psycho! Hehe... my pets name is Lotta!
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Post by darkmage92 on Jan 12, 2003 19:46:20 GMT -5
Not bad Euge you might want to make it a Tiny bit bit bit bit bit slower but other wise it is awesome!
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Post by peachifruit on Jan 12, 2003 19:48:18 GMT -5
I just copied and pasted your story into my post and edited the grammar in it. You also made a few not-so-plausible statements in your story, and I posted solutions in italics. Here's the final result:
It was a beautiful morning...too beautiful.
(DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!)
The beautiful morning was being swept aside by the fiery argument inside the mazelike streets of the forest of Lupeland. So heated was the argument that even from the streets of Neopia Central, you could hear the lupes yelling at each other (and bonking each other silly with jelly chickens.)
Lupe Forest
"Oh Emerald, what shall we do? That band of Chias have been stealing our food and now we have nothing to eat," Lotta asked Emerald, the leader of the Lupe pack.
"For once, I do not know, Lotta. We have sent our bravest Lupes already to try to infitrate their camp, but none have returned," Emerald said with a bit of fear in his voice. He could see the crowd was on the verge of forming a mob and already he could see emerging from the crowds pockets were freshly cooked jelly chickens. How can you fit a jelly chicken in your pocket, though?
Emerald decidied to act fast and said, "I have an idea. Does anyone have an idea?" If he says he has an idea, why would he ask if anyone else had one? Contradiction?
Crickets could be heard chirping in the deafening silence. Just as the crowd drew their jelly chickens and prepared to form a mob, a Lupe stepped in and said,
"I will save you from this chia menace," the Lupe said--You already wrote that he said that--in a heroic voice.
"Who's that?" all the lupes questioned in unison. As they turned around they could see it was none other than..."Some idiot wearing as tortilla on his head," they groaned.
"Not just any idiot wearing a tortilla on his head, but Cloud--destroyer of Chias and eater of tacos!" he replied as he attempted to strike a noble pose. He instead smashed himself with a taco.
There you go!
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Post by pichuthegreat on Jan 15, 2003 19:05:09 GMT -5
the contradiction sort of is proving what a fool emerald is
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Post by pichuthegreat on Jan 15, 2003 19:13:43 GMT -5
It was a beautiful morning...too beautiful.
(DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!)
The beautiful morning was being swept aside by the fiery argument inside the mazelike streets of the forest of Lupeland. So heated was the argument that even from the streets of Neopia Central, you could hear the lupes yelling at each other (and bonking each other silly with jelly chickens.)
Lupe Forest
"Oh Emerald, what shall we do? That band of Chias have been stealing our food and now we have nothing to eat," Lotta asked Emerald, the leader of the Lupe pack.
"For once, I do not know, Lotta. We have sent our bravest Lupes already to try to infitrate their camp, but none have returned," Emerald said with a bit of fear in his voice. He could see the crowd was on the verge of forming a mob and already he could see emerging from the crowds pockets were freshly cooked jelly chickens.
Emerald decidied to act fast and said, "I have an idea. Does anyone have an idea?" Crickets could be heard chirping in the deafening silence. Just as the crowd drew their jelly chickens and prepared to form a mob, a Lupe stepped in and said,
"I will save you from this chia menace,"in a heroic voice.
"Who's that?" all the lupes questioned in unison. As they turned around they could see it was none other than..."Some idiot wearing as tortilla on his head," they groaned.
"Not just any idiot wearing a tortilla on his head, but Cloud--destroyer of Chias and eater of tacos!" he replied as he attempted to strike a noble pose. He instead smashed himself with a taco.
"Well," Emerald said, "get on with you're job we have complete faith in you."
"Well thank you sir reckon i need to get going" cloud said and jumped off the stage landed on his face got up and started skipping down the trail.
"Anyone have a backup plan," emerald muttered as soon as cloud was out of hearing range,"We have complete faith in you what a gullible guy.
well once again i got too go thanks peachifruit for the edit
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Post by bludragn3 on Jan 15, 2003 19:38:33 GMT -5
Mind if I make some suggestions? The last three paragraphs were a teeny bit akward - so I made a few minor grammar changes.
"Well..." Emerald said, "...get on with your job. We have complete faith in you."
"Thank you, sir! -The two 'wells' together seemed a bit strange- Reckon I need to get going," Cloud said, jumping off the stage and landing on his face. He got up quickly and started skipping down the trail.
"Anyone have a backup plan?" Emerald muttered as soon as Cloud was out of hearing range. "What a gullible guy." I couldn't think of a way we could fit the "We have complete faith in you" in the quotation.
I think these little changes might help you a little. Do you think the paragraphs sound better now?
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Post by pichuthegreat on Jan 16, 2003 7:36:55 GMT -5
ya thanks bluey I think that will help
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Post by calvinseviltwin on Jan 16, 2003 16:39:54 GMT -5
I like it though.
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Post by pichuthegreat on Jan 20, 2003 17:34:31 GMT -5
sorry I haven't updated this story n a while I've been playing too much neoquest get back too work on it tommorow
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Post by Lappi on Jan 21, 2003 8:25:56 GMT -5
LOL. Neoquest power!! "Come join usss . . . " It's very good, pichu! You just need to edit it more And it'll be perfect.
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Post by pichuthegreat on Jan 21, 2003 16:32:17 GMT -5
thanks adorableapin but by any chance have you beaten jahbal
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Post by calvinseviltwin on Jan 21, 2003 16:37:59 GMT -5
Keep up the good work
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