Post by aurora253 on Feb 1, 2003 17:54:18 GMT -5
I'm writing a story...not for the Neopian Times...and was wondering if an experienced fictional story writer could possibly give me some tips on how it's written? As in...hmm... Tell me if you understand it(so far), if it's written in a clean way, and what age you think it's suitable for...possibly more... You see, I'm aiming for children... I have down 2 different sections of the first 10 pages, if possible I'd like feedback for all of them... Just read and see what you think. 
(Preface)
"A lazy black and white figure lay in the morning sun, his deep thoughts concentrated upon a place far away from the bustling activity of the boisterous city. Pictured in his mind were long, sandy white beaches, a small cottage with a patio, and a large, colorful garden. He sighed dreamily. Lifting his heavy lids slowly, he opened his jowls wide and yawned; letting a rough pink tounge free into the air. With a contented meow, the cat slowly lifted his body up and moved towards the metal fence in front of him. ‘Trotsington’, he thought ‘is quite wonderful...it has been for this past year. But I-I just can’t help but remember Hawksbille Shores. That was the loveliest place I believe I’ve ever been to. Seen- for that matter. Besides ol’ Peinture...Gee, I miss that cat. A fine specimen, she was. Left without a goo’bye...’ Suddenly, a scraggly orange lump of fur crashed down atop of him, causing his thoughts to slowly fade away."
(Story Begins)
"A small, blue, dirt-streaked Volkswagen Beetle bumped down the black paved road, leaving the beaches far behind as it neared the big cities to the north. Through the cracked window a forlorn face peered out at the swiftly changing terrain, and mewed softly. Only a year ago had that cat been Badger, moving to Trotsington from his old coastal home of Hawksbille Shores. The rustic beach had been his and his family’s home for as long as he could remember, but since Granny Nana had become ill in her retirement home way up north they had to move. Badger dropped down, his jeweled collar shimmering as he did so. Upon flicking his tail aside idly, a small golden bell wrapped with a silk blue ribbon to it tinkled merrily. He leapt up to the girl known as Julia, and settled in her lap."
(Preface)
"A lazy black and white figure lay in the morning sun, his deep thoughts concentrated upon a place far away from the bustling activity of the boisterous city. Pictured in his mind were long, sandy white beaches, a small cottage with a patio, and a large, colorful garden. He sighed dreamily. Lifting his heavy lids slowly, he opened his jowls wide and yawned; letting a rough pink tounge free into the air. With a contented meow, the cat slowly lifted his body up and moved towards the metal fence in front of him. ‘Trotsington’, he thought ‘is quite wonderful...it has been for this past year. But I-I just can’t help but remember Hawksbille Shores. That was the loveliest place I believe I’ve ever been to. Seen- for that matter. Besides ol’ Peinture...Gee, I miss that cat. A fine specimen, she was. Left without a goo’bye...’ Suddenly, a scraggly orange lump of fur crashed down atop of him, causing his thoughts to slowly fade away."
(Story Begins)
"A small, blue, dirt-streaked Volkswagen Beetle bumped down the black paved road, leaving the beaches far behind as it neared the big cities to the north. Through the cracked window a forlorn face peered out at the swiftly changing terrain, and mewed softly. Only a year ago had that cat been Badger, moving to Trotsington from his old coastal home of Hawksbille Shores. The rustic beach had been his and his family’s home for as long as he could remember, but since Granny Nana had become ill in her retirement home way up north they had to move. Badger dropped down, his jeweled collar shimmering as he did so. Upon flicking his tail aside idly, a small golden bell wrapped with a silk blue ribbon to it tinkled merrily. He leapt up to the girl known as Julia, and settled in her lap."
