TMGE'ed 3x - Seeking Feedback

[notooryous]

Hi there, 

I am seeking feedback on a story that has been TMGE'ed 3x. I am submitting for Normal NTs and submitting the week before (~10 business days) before the issue is set to come out.

I'm getting discouraged :/ All tips & constructive criticisms on the following story are welcome. Thanks in advance.

The Neon Sparks by Tory

One fine day, Milo, the lead singer of the legendary band "Chomby and the Fungus Bal.ls, woke up feeling a bit off. His band was known far and wide for their eccentric music and wild performances, with Milo stealing the show every time with his unique voice and boundless energy. He had been rocking out with the Fungus Bal.ls for what felt like an eternity, and while he loved his bandmates, he just couldn't shake the feeling that it was time for a change. After some deep contemplation (and maybe one too many fungus smoothies), Milo decided it was time to go solo.

When Milo dropped the bombshell on his bandmates, there was a mix of shock and disbelief. But Milo's trusty backup dancer, Gif'n the Petri, had a different reaction.

"Count me in, dude!" Gif'n exclaimed, striking a dramatic pose that made Milo almost snort.

Milo blinked at Gif'n. "Seriously?"

Gif'n flashed a grin. "Absolutely! I've always wanted to see more than just the same old stage. Let's shake things up, Milo!"

And just like that, Milo and Gif'n became a dynamic duo, ready to rock all over Neopia with their quirky charm and funky dance moves.

The pair rehearsed like there was no tomorrow, crafting a setlist of offbeat tunes and perfecting their dance routines. Milo penned lyrics that were equal parts hilarious and catchy, while Gif'n choreographed dance moves so wild, they were sure to leave audiences in stitches.

Their debut concert was set in the city of Tyrannia, and the buzz was real. As the big night approached, Milo and Gif'n found themselves backstage, psyching themselves up for the performance of a lifetime.

Milo adjusted his sparkly jacket nervously. "You ready for this, Gif'n?"

Gif'n struck a pose. "Born ready, Milo! Let's give 'em a show they won't forget!"

As the lights dimmed and the music kicked in, Milo and Gif'n burst onto the stage, the crowd erupting with excitement. Milo grabbed the mic and launched into their first song, "Neon Nights," a tune so infectious that even the Tyrannian rocks seemed to groove along. Gif'n, decked out in an outfit that could blind a Techo, twirled and spun with such gusto that he nearly crashed into a speaker.

"Watch it, Gif'n!" Milo called out, barely holding back a chuckle.

The duo's performance was a whirlwind of music, dance, and pure chaos. Milo and Gif'n bantered back and forth, making jokes that had the audience in stitches. At one point, Gif'n attempted a daring move that ended with him landing in Milo's arms, both of them collapsing in a fit of giggles.

Between songs, Milo turned to Gif'n with a grin. "Can you believe we're pulling this off?"

Gif'n flashed a dazzling smile. "Of course! We're a dynamic duo, Milo. Nothing can stop us!"

As the concert reached its peak, Milo and Gif'n unleashed their showstopper, "Electric Ecstasy," a tune so catchy that even the most stoic Neopians couldn't resist tapping their feet. The energy in the room was electric, and Milo and Gif'n fed off the crowd's enthusiasm, giving it their all until the final note rang out. The concert ended with a thunderous roar of applause, and Milo and Gif'n took their bows, breathless and exhilarated. The duo knew they had nailed it, and as they soaked in the adoration of the crowd, they shared a knowing look that spoke volumes.

Milo clapped Gif'n on the back. "Well, partner, looks like we're onto something here."

Gif'n grinned. "You bet, Milo! This is just the beginning of our wild ride!"

Milo paused, a mischievous glint in his eye. "I think it's time for the big reveal."

Gif'n raised an eyebrow. "Oh? What's the big reveal?"

Milo smirked and turned to face the cheering crowd. "Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make! From this day forward, we are no longer just Milo and Gif'n. We are... The Neon Sparks!"

The crowd erupted in cheers and applause, the name spreading like wildfire through the excited audience. Milo and Gif'n basked in the moment, their smiles brighter than ever.

Gif'n nudged Milo. "I like the sound of that, Milo! The Neon Sparks it is!"

Milo and Gif'n, now known as The Neon Sparks, continued to rock Neopia with their zany performances and infectious energy, proving that sometimes, the craziest decisions lead to the most unforgettable adventures.

The Neon Sparks' fame spread like wildfire across Neopia. Their concerts were always sold out, and fans couldn't get enough of their electrifying performances. Milo's unique voice and Gif'n's mesmerizing dance moves became the talk of the town, and the duo found themselves on the cover of every music magazine in Neopia. As The Neon Sparks' popularity soared, they received invitations to perform at prestigious events and festivals. Their music resonated with Neopians of all ages, and they were hailed as the new sensation in the music industry. Milo and Gif'n were living their dream, and they knew they were destined for greatness.

One day… a message arrived for The Neon Sparks. It was an invitation to perform at the grandest music festival in all of Neopia – the Celestial Harmony Festival. This festival was attended by music lovers from all corners of the realm, and being invited to perform there was considered a great honor.

Milo and Gif'n were thrilled beyond words. This was their chance to showcase their talent on the biggest stage imaginable. They immediately started preparing for their performance, determined to make it an unforgettable experience for everyone in attendance. When the day of the Celestial Harmony Festival finally arrived, the atmosphere was buzzing with excitement. The stage was set, the lights were dazzling, and the audience was filled with anticipation. Milo and Gif'n took a deep breath and stepped onto the stage, ready to give the performance of a lifetime.

As they began their first song, a hush fell over the crowd. Milo's voice filled the air, enchanting everyone with its power and emotion. Gif'n's dance moves were more mesmerizing than ever, drawing the audience into a trance. The Neon Sparks had the audience in the palm of their hands, and they knew they were creating magic on that stage. Song after song, The Neon Sparks captivated the audience with their music and energy. The crowd sang along, danced, and cheered, completely immersed in the experience. Milo and Gif'n poured their hearts and souls into every note, every move, and every moment on that stage. As the final notes of their last song faded away, the audience erupted into a thunderous applause. The Neon Sparks took their bows, their hearts full of gratitude for the love and support they received. This performance was a milestone in their journey, a moment they would treasure forever.

After the festival, The Neon Sparks continued to soar to greater heights. They released hit after hit, won awards, and earned a place in the hearts of Neopians everywhere. Milo and Gif'n remained true to their roots, staying humble and grateful for the opportunities they had been given. Years passed, but the magic of The Neon Sparks never faded. Milo and Gif'n continued to create music that inspired and uplifted their fans. They became legends in the music industry, with their songs standing the test of time and remaining classics for generations to come.

[June Scarlet]

A small thing that I caught right away is your use of balls. On the neoboards and petpages you need to censor it but not here or more importantly in the Times. I could see the editor not wanting to take the time to edit those periods out, and instead rejecting the entire piece. I know they get picky like that on storytelling contest at least.

[notooryous]

Maybe I should replace Chomby & the Fungus Balls with a different band then, I'm not able to submit the article without adding those periods in unfortunately.

[Ginz ❤]

I read your story and found it fun, but something I noticed is that there is no real conflict in it. It's all smooth sailing for Milo and Gif'n the whole way through. As I was reading, I was kind of anticipating when they would face an obstacle or hardship, and how they'd conquer it, but that moment didn't happen. Things started good and just kept getting better and better. 

I think that made the story lack tension for a good climactic moment. It almost feels like things were too easy for the protagonists, and so their success had less of an impact.

Some ideas off the top of my head for things that could spice up the story could be, for example:

When Milo decided to name their band The Neon Sparks, maybe Gif'n would be sad that his teammate didn't consult him or at least tell him before announcing it. They could have a conversation about it before Gif'n admitting that actually, the name is awesome, so it's water under the bridge, but Milo learns to consider his bandmate's opinions in the future.

Maybe one of the other bandmates is angry at Milo and Gif'n for leaving the band, and attends one of their shows to try to heckle and boo them, until security escorts him out.

Maybe when they're having their big performance at the Celestial Harmony Festival something doesn't go according to plan. Let's say one of them falls, and they think their performance is ruined and they're upset because they practiced so much... but then they realize the audience thinks the fall was planned as part of the show and they roll with it!

Or... I don't know. There's a lot of things that could happen. I'm sure you can think of a bunch more! But yeah, my advice would be to throw in something to challenge them, so their success in the end will feel more satisfying.

If you like any of my ideas, feel free to grab and tweak whatever suits your fancy. If you come up with something completely different, that's awesome too.

Either way, good luck! I hope your story gets in soon! <3

[notooryous]

This is great feedback, thanks so much Ginz!