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Post by Twillie on Apr 21, 2023 18:37:47 GMT -5
"Grey is a beautiful colour and often it can be a beautiful feeling. Sometimes grey is simply enough. We need to learn to appreciate grey so we know how to appreciate the rainbow."
~surging
Articles
Short Stories
Comics
New Series
Continued Series All reviews of all pieces are welcome! However, if you would really like your piece to be reviewed, post and let others know!
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Post by zennistrad on Apr 21, 2023 20:52:30 GMT -5
First time getting in! I've wanted to have a story published in the NT ever since I was a preteen, but never really had the time or skill to attempt it until now.
Hope you all like my story!
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Post by barnowl42 on Apr 21, 2023 21:29:25 GMT -5
Congrats zennistrad! It’s my first time in, too, and I’m super excited.
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Post by zennistrad on Apr 23, 2023 11:17:03 GMT -5
Congrats zennistrad! It’s my first time in, too, and I’m super excited. Just got around to reading your short story. It was super cute, I hope we get to see some more stuff from you soon. |
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Post by Twillie on Apr 24, 2023 21:31:14 GMT -5
A couple reviews for now, and I'll be working on more as the week goes by~
First thing that stuck out to me was the flow of your prose and your word choice- you have a good use of assonance and alliteration and the like that lets the words flow easily from one to the other while also adding a little poetry to them. You've definitely got your voice as a writer with what feels like a careful choice of words and sentence structure!
Also good work on giving Aubadie a unique voice with her dialogue. The little quirks like her repeating words when she's excited adds tons of personality, and it's not overdone to the point of distracting from what she says. At least for me, giving characters distinct voices from another can be a real challenge, so great job there!
Oil paint is a bit of a unique choice to symbolize her cheerful personality, since usually rainbow is used to contrast with grey pets. A small detail, but I still wanted to point it out because I thought it was neat! I learned a new word today! Thanks for adding in that definition of quadrille lol, you were right to anticipate that at least some readers wouldn't already know what it means xD Not that the explanation broke immersion, though, it feels like one of those words that'd be uncommon in a place like Neopia as well. One thing that kind of threw me was Borant's introduction, as his appearance in the story felt rather abrupt. For a moment I didn't know if we'd already met him and I forgot, or if I had gotten character names switched around. I can understand why he didn't have a more formal introduction given the format of the story and its use of time skips, but I think it just felt a bit late in the narrative for a new character to show up like that. Maybe if there'd been some mention of him in a previous scene, even if just in passing, it could help bridge that part of the story a bit more. Makes me curious the mechanics of the grey color in Neopia, like how a Neopet comes about to being grey and why. Is it as simple as being painted, and if so why would one choose to become grey? Did they lose their magic similar to Baelia? None of this is what your story was about, nor was it necessary for your story to try and answer these questions, but these are just sidebars that it got me thinking about haha. It was a sweet ending, and I appreciate how there wasn't a big finale where all the grey pets suddenly learned to be happier or the like, as though it'd be that easy a problem to solve. I feel like writing more serious stories about grey pets can be tricky, since the color often mirrors depression, a complicated and misunderstood mental illness. But this story felt more about Aubadie learning her place in the world and what it actually means to help those with struggles outside her own. She comes to terms with the less bright parts of the world and how she fits into it all as well, rather than actually "fixing" any of the grey pets' problems. The conclusion was more about Aubadie being encouraged to continue welcoming grey pets into her world and the one at large, seeing them as fellow people with their own interests and talents, rather than something uncomfortable to ignore like many others may do, both in this story and in real life. I can appreciate that, because even if others may not have the same perspective as you or may be struggling with their mental health, it doesn't mean they're not worth embracing and including, like Aubadie does with her song and dance.
Life Improvised: Out of Place by Kengplant Great amount of detail in this from all the crowds and little scenes to the architecture of the Citadel! It's fun looking at each panel individually and picking out all the little moments happening at once, makes Darigan Citadel feel like a real bustling city with the diversity of people that you intended to portray. It's a sweet note to end on as well, that there's all kinds of Neopets outside of Darigan ones all living together as the same citizens.
I love the panel of the kids jumping rope, something about seeing the Darigan paint jobs in miniature kid form is both funny and cute x3 The little Poogle is my favorite, just a little fella <3 Is that jump rope song based on a real life one?
I mentioned the architecture earlier, but I just need to bring it up again to say that you did so well with the atmosphere of it all! I remember you saying you based it off of Edinburgh, which I think helps to make it feel authentically city-like and adds unique personality to it all. The perspective of it all is also impressive! Did you use any particular tools to achieve that? |
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Post by barnowl42 on Apr 25, 2023 9:11:56 GMT -5
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your feedback. I wrote this one in part because I've suffered depression before, and exactly like you said--it's not an easy problem to solve, and there is no 'magical fix,' but that doesn't mean we shouldn't accept and love people who are suffering from it. I made Aubadie an Oil Paint Gelert for no better reason than that I have one myself.  But I do think they're very colorful and pretty! Also, as a small linguistic bonus, an 'aubade' is a song about dawn or morning, so that's where her name came from. The quadrille in the story is Neopia-ized version of Lewis Carroll's "The Lobster Quadrille" from Alice's Adventures in Wonderland (I credited it in the "comments" section of the submission form, but since that doesn't show up in the finished piece I figured I'd mention it here). Thank you for the feedback re: Borant, it's a very good point. I... had meant him to be the childhood friend who first told Aubadie about the Grey Faerie in the first scene, but, uh, I apparently changed his name without realizing it in between scenes and didn't catch that during editing. *facepalm* Chalk one up for more careful proofreading next time! Anyway, thank you again! |
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Post by Twillie on Apr 25, 2023 20:58:34 GMT -5
Thank you so much! I really appreciate your feedback. I wrote this one in part because I've suffered depression before, and exactly like you said--it's not an easy problem to solve, and there is no 'magical fix,' but that doesn't mean we shouldn't accept and love people who are suffering from it. Aw for sure, I think you expressed this well with your story! Haha, that also works! They are pretty indeed, I like the contrast of the orange and blue on the Gelerts especially~ Ooh, didn't know either of those fun facts, that's really cool! I'm always here for names with bonus meaning behind them, and one that means the morning feels fitting for her character :3 Aw haha, well sounds like you were already ahead of me at least on putting him earlier in the story! Editing errors like that happen to the best of us though, no worry! |
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Post by Twillie on May 19, 2023 22:15:33 GMT -5
I like the way you write exposition, as it's always done in an efficient manner that ties directly back to the story, and oftentimes both establishes key information and furthers the story progression. For example, the paragraph that describes Korzara appearance as she looks out the window provides a visual for us readers and also gives a moment of reflection from her, more subtly characterizing the prices she's paid for her freedom and her tough outlook on life. Her characterization throughout this whole part is done well, and by the end of it I feel like I already have a good understanding of many of her layers. Freedom is what she craves the most, to an extreme that has left her isolated in space with more enemies than allies in most places she turns. She's clever and competent in the tech she commands, and she has an air of confidence and toughness thanks to the career she's made for herself. She's also prideful, though, and has trouble admitting the mistakes she's made, and being on her own still leaves her vulnerable against a whole universe of potential enemies.
You've got a great handle on your word choice and understanding of the story so that this first part does its job vividly painting a picture of the who, what, and where. I've got a feeling whatever she's trying to steal from this ship will be the main driver of the story, or at least will lead to a significant reveal down the road. It was purposefully described as different from what Korzara has seen before, but its true nature is kept in the dark for now, so it'll be interesting to see where that leads! And ooh, Ylana Skyfire has joined the party! Illusen's Quest - Parts 2 & 3 by Azusa and knightwolfalex
I figured I'd combine my reviews for part 2 and 3 together, keep things a bit more tidy and efficient as I'm catching up.
I love the visual of Jhudora anticipating Illusen's arrival while casually lounging on her throne, and I can't help but imagine that she'd also be holding glass of wine in one hand lol. The two definitely have a more hostile relationship like classic site canon, which I think makes for a fun dynamic since Jhudora can deliver the campy, sinister villain energy. I also enjoy how she's characterized as both a legitimate enough threat to have a whole castle of her making and sinister plans that worry the other Faeries, but also petty enough to kidnap somebody just to get under Illusen's skin haha. I always enjoy villains like that who are so confident and caught up in their own schemes that they lack a certain amount of self awareness, or they just don't care about others' judgment so long as they're having fun.
That's also funny the little line you added as a nod to the banana theme xD "Just in case" the Editor needed a reminder that this needs to go in the April Fools issue.
Looks like we've got a new member in the party! I'm guessing Shadowglen and Lightwater Forests border each other? Either way, we shall see how Timaris may help Illusen on this quest, and if Psellia or anyone else jumps in as well to help save the day. WELL Illusen, maybe removing the pendant from a suspiciously Darkest Faerie-shaped statue isn't the smartest move. I guess I can give you the fact that the Darkest Faerie statue has been spotted/believed to be elsewhere, but also it seems to just randomly turn up all over the world, so I wouldn't assume it'll just stick to one spot lol.
But ah, at least in this case it doesn't look like it actually is her? The Three showed up to tempt Illusen instead, I wonder if they were connected to the statue in any way? Like if it was a trap or something. It is interesting seeing the different turns the story has taken so far, as they genuinely take me by surprise on where the story is going. At the same time, it does feel like there's some lack of focus, like certain characters and plot threads are introduced only to be put to the side by the next part. Illusen's companions and tasks have changed a couple times now, and the villains have also switched from Jhudora, to a TDF tease, to The Three, and I'm not sure which one is supposed to be the main baddie here. It may still tie together at the end as I haven't finished yet of course, but that's just something I noticed about the twists in the plot, as they don't seem to fully build off each other to create one cohesive thread. But focusing on just The Three's presence here, I like how you characterize their threatening nature with how fearful Illusen is of their proximity to her. It feels symbolic of them getting more inside her head the closer they physically get to her, and her reaction to them makes you flinch as a reader as well, as though you feel they're coming close to you as well. Also an interesting note to touch on, that she wasn't included in the Meridell vs Darigan wars. I feel like that's a good aspect of site lore to explore, as it does raise good questions on why (in universe) Illusen may not have been around for those. Has me interested in her reasons in your story, and also how she may have won the goodwill of Meridellians since.
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But I do think they're very colorful and pretty! Also, as a small linguistic bonus, an 'aubade' is a song about dawn or morning, so that's where her name came from. The quadrille in the story is Neopia-ized version of Lewis Carroll's