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Post by Geo 🇺🇦 🌻 on Oct 25, 2022 11:09:29 GMT -5
Hey all, It's been a while since I've sought a beta read on the forum directly, but I thought I'd try it again. Here's the word document. Faerietown.docx (31.09 KB) The premise is a news style article about some fae that moved to the Darigan Citadel. Since I don't have a specific timeline, I don't mind suggestions that could result in major changes. Feel free to comment back here or on the Discord server. Thanks! |
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Post by Twillie on Oct 29, 2022 20:55:45 GMT -5
I went ahead and added some edits and suggestion!
The main revisions I made condensed repetitive word choice, added more active descriptions, and switched up some sentence structure. I'd suggest using less to be verbs (was, were, is, etc.) and replacing them with those active descriptors I mentioned, for example "Her face was sad" could be "Her face fell, a shadow crossing it," to help readers better see and connect with events.
There could also be a choppy sort of feeling with some sentences as they repeated the same structure (e.g.: We went here. This person was there. We talked to them about this). There were also sometimes sentence fragments, which can be useful in certain cases, but here they could contribute to that choppy feeling.
Any revisions I made for word choice and sentence structure are all suggestions, of course, and thus nothing you need to feel obligated to adopt. Feel free to veto any changes I made, as you know best the story you want to tell!
I also added some questions in for story clarification or expansion, and I tried to highlight those and any other edits I made.
If you have any questions on what I wrote, feel free to ask of course!
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Post by Geo 🇺🇦 🌻 on Oct 30, 2022 9:24:18 GMT -5
Thanks Twillie! Really appreciate it! I’ll take a look over these for the next couple of days and let you know if I have any questions!!
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Post by Geo 🇺🇦 🌻 on Nov 2, 2022 10:25:37 GMT -5
I went ahead and added some edits and suggestion!
The main revisions I made condensed repetitive word choice, added more active descriptions, and switched up some sentence structure. I'd suggest using less to be verbs (was, were, is, etc.) and replacing them with those active descriptors I mentioned, for example "Her face was sad" could be "Her face fell, a shadow crossing it," to help readers better see and connect with events.
There could also be a choppy sort of feeling with some sentences as they repeated the same structure (e.g.: We went here. This person was there. We talked to them about this). There were also sometimes sentence fragments, which can be useful in certain cases, but here they could contribute to that choppy feeling.
Any revisions I made for word choice and sentence structure are all suggestions, of course, and thus nothing you need to feel obligated to adopt. Feel free to veto any changes I made, as you know best the story you want to tell!
I also added some questions in for story clarification or expansion, and I tried to highlight those and any other edits I made.
If you have any questions on what I wrote, feel free to ask of course!
Thanks for the comments again! I took all of them into consideration in my latest revision. I think to answer your biggest question, I will have Darigan candidly mention or at least imply that he wishes to influence the council by going public with some things so that the general public pressures them into continuing to help the faeries. After all, council seats are elected positions. I’ve seen similar political tactics before so I feel like this would be a plausible explanation on why they would be so open. Does that make sense? |
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