Post by lovejoy1997 on Jan 15, 2022 2:14:33 GMT -5
Whew, after many days, I am able to finish my first story. It focuses on my oc, Helena White, whom I match with Jeran as his love interest. I dunno if I need to fix something or not because I have been working so hard on it.
Oops, I still haven't had time to comment on it, and I was going to post in the old thread, but now you've made this one, so here goes~ This won't be very in-depth but I managed to give it a read through, so here are some impressions!
Main grammar points: mind your tenses. You're going with past tense for the vast majority of your narration, so make sure you remove the present tense that's sneaked into some places! If you are using a dialogue tag, do not start a separate sentence for it after the actual line of dialogue. That's only for the speech verbs like said, yelled, cried, squeaked, etc.
Here, I used that as an excuse to write silly examples. >u> "Blablabla," she said. "Now I am saying another sentence." "Blablabla," she replied, "bla blabla I am continuing the same sentence." Jeran said, "What could this tingling feeling be? I should not have eaten Brightvale fruit for dinner." Jeran held his stomach. "I really should not have eaten fruit for dinner." "Helena you are so super awesome!" The fangirl danced wildly and waved her Helena banner.
Helena's past adventures as listed by the knights: well now I want to read the stories of those adventures instead and I'm sad that I caaan't D= that means more Helena!! What I can't figure out here is: why are the knights listing her adventures? Are they doubting the rumours and not sure that Helena could really have accomplished all that? Are they watching her to check that she's the real deal? Or are they already low-key fans and trying not to squee at being able to meet her? For the moment it seems like their only purpose is to tell the reader how awesome Helena is, and that's too obvious. It would sound more believable to me if the knights seemed to have a reason for listing her adventures.
On Helena's morals: I'll step away from this story for a second to comment on the description of Helena that you posted as her backstory. "she has strong morals and she chooses her clients carefully, because one wrong move and she'll break his or her bones" As Helena has such strong morals, I certainly hope that this is exaggeration and that she would only resort to breaking bones in extreme circumstances, and not as light punishment.
The tingling feeling she gets instantly upon seeing Jeran: hmmm... I can't relate to that, personally. If it's an emotion that's very clear to you and understandable for the kind of audience you're aiming for, that's fine. For me, I'd have an easier time understanding it if you described it a bit more from Helena's point of view. What does she see at that moment, what does she think, or maybe is it something she doesn't yet understand herself, and that confuses her too, for the moment?
On Helena and Jeran, two very capable warriors, slipping over nothing / over their own feet? when they meet: I was surprised that they would be this clumsy. Actually, when romantically-paired characters fall oh so conveniently onto each other, it reminds me of the kind of shenanigans in harem anime! This kind of convenient stumble seems fun and a bit goofy to me. I don't know if that's what you were aiming for, does the tripping and catching have another purpose for your story? Also, if Jeran catches her, that means he was standing close enough to catch her. Would the Tingling Sensation have felt stronger, if they were standing so close to each other? Does Helena think anything of being this close? Any reaction to his catching? Or, if they were not standing close to each other, does that mean Jeran DIVED FORTH to catch the stumbling Helena because he is that heroic?? (even more fun =D) wsdhf and you added a scene where Tormund is the one to bump into them, yay for that running gag xD
"Helena couldn’t hold back her feelings when she saved him..." Which feelings? It doesn't say? How can she not hold them back? Aaah I wanna knoooow!!
The fight scene: I really like how you showed Helena using various different weapons~
"Jeran picked up something" I'm guessing the word "something" is replacing something that was not NT friendly. Maybe you could replace it with a NT-friendly object that would still be proof of the chieftain's, ahem, demise. The chieftain's fallen headband, medal, weapon, another object of his?
"A Lupe, maybe she’s a damsel-in-distress" I don't get this line. Do Lupes have a reputation of being damsels in distress? ... I mean, Jeran is a Lupe, and he has had damsel moments, I guess it counts!
On Helena getting to the castle: * how is everyone so invested in finding Jeran a partner? Even Skarl, the Grumpy Old King himself, cares?? This is actually hilarious to me, because it's like Jeran had a reputation as this hopeless miserable #ForeverAlone guy, and everyone at the castle was desperate for him to find a partner xD * yes, Helena is gorgeous, okey-dokey. But it's rare for people to comment so exuberantly on someone's beauty. When all the people in Skarl's court are complimenting Helena's looks, what this tells me is that beauty is what matters to these characters. That doesn't really make sense for Lisha and the other kids, who have their own nerdy and geeky personalities. It's okay for them to be wowed by the new pretty lady, and to be so interested in the newcomer that they have to sneak in when Skarl is meeting her, but try not to make them seem like they're only there to praise the main character. Also, later on, Helena mentions it was not good for her when all people cared about was her being delicate and pretty. When she walks into a new place and all everyone can see is "pretty!" is that frustrating for her?
Helena's appearance: how does she manage to be both "pretty" and "rugged"? I adore tough warrior ladies *fans self*, but I know that most people's ideal of "pretty" is often the opposite of rugged, so I imagine Helena is combining two different aesthetics here. What is pretty about her, actually? And what about her makes her look rugged? Since so many characters - and the narrator, at times - are focusing on her looks? If her looks are so important for the story that they get mentioned so often, some more detailed description might be helpful! (Maybe everyone who finds her pretty has different reasons, too!) Describing what's so good about her would make her more believable than having other characters tell the reader about how good she is. By the way, you described her wearing a short top, but I certainly hope that her stomach was covered by armour during the fight scene!
"“Are you sure you can handle them?” He asked her." Jeran saw her fighting with those swords literally the day before??
"cheese roller, and turdle racing, trying their luck in kissing a mortog, to Nanci’s petpets" *pause* *rewind* *pause* Helena and Jeran stopped to roll cheese down a hill and also to try smooching Mortogs, and they didn't fall all over each other during the cheese rolling, and the kids from Meridell Castle did not appear to giggle at the Mortog-kissing part? Gasp!!
"Hubert nodded as he and his family waved at them as they left. “Whoa, they are meant for each other.”" He. No. He doesn't know that. He has seen them for thirty seconds at most. He heard Helena say two sentences. I know this is the "yay Helena is awesome and Jeran loves her" story, but I really cannot believe this bit. I need more convincing =P
"“We don’t know? We are too young for those things.” Lisha shrugged." That made me gigglesnort. Indeed, they are kids, and it would have sounded weird to me if they gave him more advice.
On the flirting-by-duelling-with-swords scene: YES sdjfskdfhdj that's my jam that's what I wanted to see they are actually talking and they are sharing an activity that they both enjoy, and showing off to each other with things that they are really good at, and there is movement. yep!
"or read books to Lisha and her friends at the castle library" ... why is she reading to Lisha? Lisha is an excellent reader. Lisha literally saved Meridell thanks to how good of a reader she is. Lisha can super duper read. Did she just want to sit back and listen to Helena's voice, which I'm sure is as beautiful as the rest of her? (I would enjoy it very much if it was Lisha reading to Helena instead. Juuust saying. >.>)
Helena not knowing how Darigani Neopians look: hm, I'm a bit surprised she's never met any of them or seen pictures during her many travels and adventures?
On damsels: Jeran goes from “But, what’s wrong with [damsels]?” to “those fangirls, they just care about their looks, wealth, luxury, or being like damsels” in 4 paragraphs. It's okay if he's frustrated by fans and being unable to have genuine connections with those who only like him for his fame. But Helena just talked about the pressure for girls who are expected to be pretty and proper, and well, maybe that's also a problem for Jeran's fans? So, no need to put them down to compliment Helena. Or, if Jeran sounds like he's criticising his fangirls, maybe Helena would have sympathy for them, and remind him how difficult it is to deal with those expectations. He calls her "the most unique", but there's no need to imply that all the others are too similar or unoriginal.
Helena's backstory reveals: oh myyy past regrets coming up! I'm not clear on what you mean by "suitors" in here, I only know "suitor" to mean people who're interested in marrying someone, like suitors lining up to propose to Princess Amira, who never accepts any of them. Sooo I'm a bit confused as to what happened in here and if her family were wanted thieves? Yeah, I'll need to re-read this completely because I'm very confused and I don't understand what happens with her parents in the final page either.
Helena's backstory talk with Jeran: * Jeran was just carrying a letter from Helena's parents? Like, in his pocket? And he hadn't told her about it?? Jeran grabs Helena's private mail??? and he gives it to her when he decides? AND HE HAD ALREADY OPENED IT AND READ IT?? Helena. (Helena the writer.) That is not a good. That is controlling behaviour. It is alarming. It is what we might call a red flag. If you want to write Jeran as a good person and a good love interest who deserves to be with Helena, you might want to avoid this implication.
Helena with her parents: you know, in romance stories I usually expect the parents to be super embarrassing for their daughter, maybe even criticise her, so that the boyfriend can compliment her in return. But her parents are complimenting her too, and well, almost everyone in this story compliments her so it's not surprising really, but also, her parents being supportive is a super wholesome moment, and I was glad that it ended on this note.
Yaaay congrats on finishing this whole thing! There is still some grammar to work on and some things to clarify, but you have the overall story, and I'm glad that you gave them plenty of time to get to know each other after the initial meet-cute. \o/
Ahri? Oooh I know her... because she is voiced by (G)I-dle's Miyeon in K/DA!! League of Legends, ah yes, I know that of course, such a good uuuum, book series? >u>;;
Congratulations! I like the way you've fixed it, the writing as a whole sounds more fluid now, and the dialogue suits the characters better! I like how there are little clues, like Helena mentioning her father knew Psellia, before she says that her family is from Altador. I like how you've changed the description of Helena's feelings upon seeing Jeran, it may be simple and people who are not into romance might not get it, but, but, I understand the feeling of Doki-doki, dangit! >///<
There is still some grammar left to correct here and there, and some sentences that sound a bit confusing, but overall it's easy to read and understand, you have made good changes. I'm not sure if you made this NT-Friendly just to share on this forum, or if you actually want to submit to the Neopian Times? If you do want to try for the Neopian Times, you would need to correct everything, and the easiest way to do that would be to allow someone to comment on your document to show you exactly where to edit.
But if you are not going for the Neopian Times and sharing on the internet for fun, I think it's pretty good already, the ending was clearer, I had fun reading this, and I would still like to hear more about Helena's past adventures =D
Actually, I'm thinking of a very old, classic Neopian Times series called Chronicles of the Court Rogue, have you read it yet? It was probably the first story that made me write for the Neopian Times, I think you might enjoy it! In the list that you get from clicking that link, the series consists in all the stories with titles that start with "Chronicles of the Court Rogue".
lovejoy1997 I am in the document right now, hoping to give it the read-through today! Might be slow and get distracted in between, don't worry if you see someone in your document not doing anything. x'D (also Google keeps disconnecting me and I have to refresh to come back in, rude s()z)
So far I'm only suggesting corrections for little details, and it all looks better than ever. I've had less time recently, but I am really glad to be able to go through this document, it is never easy to show your first story, ask people to correct it and also keep working on it, and I'm so proud of you for persevering and working on it this much.
lovejoy1997 I'm done with this read-through! I mainly made corrections for little forgotten grammar things here, in the form of suggestions that you can check and validate, and I left comments for a few things where I wasn't exactly sure what you meant. (and I've just been through again to answer the questions you asked after my edits~) It all reads smoother and the characters' voices sound more accurate, and all the work you've put in has been great. Aside from the things I noted during this read, I'd say you're ready to try submitting! \o/
I think the romance aspect is implicit enough that it could get into the Neopian Times, especially as they've been easier on romance recently? If it doesn't get in at first, you could try hiding the romance some more, but we'll see that later.