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Post by Celestial on Dec 24, 2019 11:41:39 GMT -5
As part of my Masters degree, one of the things I have to do is work in a group to put on an exhibition. I am in the publications and printed materials team. As part of this, we have to create a museum publication all about our exhibition. Right now, me and the other person in the group have a rough draft of the text. This is where you come in. The subject of the exhibition and thus publication is about the history of the perception of smoking, focusing mainly on the 19th century. We would like this text proofread and picked through with a fine toothed comb. Ideally, we are looking for comments made on: a) Spelling and grammar (obviously) as well as phrasing. b) How readable it is to the average person. c) How engaging it is. d) How comprehensive it is in terms of the material covered. Is there anything you want to see? e) Any suggestions for the types of images you want to accompany this? Plus anything else you wish to say. I have attached the text to this post. It is about 4 pages and approximately two and a half thousand words long. You can either post your comments in a post or attach an edited draft of the text. We need to have the final draft done by the 8th of January. If you're going to do this, please get all comments to me by the 5th of January at the latest. Anything would be much appreciated. <3 Thank you! |
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Post by Twillie on Dec 24, 2019 13:10:49 GMT -5
Ooh, I'll have to give this a look and try to give a helping hand soon, probably after Christmas! Is there a certain day/timeline you would need or prefer feedback by?
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Post by Celestial on Dec 24, 2019 13:49:17 GMT -5
Ooh, I'll have to give this a look and try to give a helping hand soon, probably after Christmas! Is there a certain day/timeline you would need or prefer feedback by? Yes, that is something I should include in the main post, don't I? xD We need to have the final draft done by the 8th of January. So perhaps the 5th/6th of January for all final comments, just so that we have time to revise it? |
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Post by Moni on Dec 24, 2019 14:40:30 GMT -5
i'll take a look at it
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Post by Liou on Dec 25, 2019 9:11:44 GMT -5
Let's go. First things first, as far as I've heard - both from Maya people's posts and from several dictionaries - the people are called Maya, things from their culture would be referred to as "Maya X", and "Mayan" only refers to one of the languages of the Maya people.
Do check this from better sources, though.
As for other indigenous peoples of North America, the nomenclature is still very much under debate. I've seen "First Nations" used for certain peoples mainly relative to Canadian law, and "indigenous" as the most general term. Maybe check which peoples you're referring to in particular, or some examples, and find out how they prefer to be called from their own writing?
Reference to tobacco in relation to a divine creator: I would prefer to know which belief system as there was a variety of those.
How readable this is to the average person: which average person? I wonder who your target audience is, as the average person might be different from the average museum-goer.
For the moment, I will assume your target audience to be moi, and read from there.
It was readable and engaging enough for me to get through all the big long paragraphs without getting tired. I went in expecting to tell you "plz break up paragraphs" but... they're fine?!
The images I'd be interested in seeing with this are definitely the old-timey ads.
On structure
The first part is about history and timeline. It includes a fair bit of history, all right, I know I can find dates in that part, good.
I found the Rough Guide part useful and informative as a glossary, though I would expect a glossary to be quite separate from the rest of the content. I would look for this after the conclusion, or right after a much shorter introduction.
Then come several paragraphs on page 2 about the 19th century ((wow this feels weird I was taught to always write Roman numerals for centuries, maybe it's a French thing)) and more sociological aspects, and that's where I got a little lost. Is this still History and Timeline? Is this another, separate part?
Next, the part titled "Mass Consumption" also contains some history and dates. This threw me off a little, as by now I had expected to find all my dates by flipping back to the first part.
The final paragraph of "Mass Consumption" leads into "The Dark Side of Smoking" yes good I like this my inner consistency is satisfied.
I would have liked a more precise overall plan, either with the entire timeline in the first part to be referred to later on, or with part 1 referring to a more specific timeframe, stopping around the 19th. "The Dark Side of Smoking" has a non-bolded sub-title - "Bad Opinions" - when no other parts do, I don't think there's any sense in setting aside only one sub-paragraph.
Thoughts on content
Page 2, paragraph 5, l.3:
"No work better encompasses what tobacco meant to the..." No other work? From what comparison / literary study?
"Nicotine itself was personified in art as a female figure" I don't expect to see an actual example of such art while reading this publication, but at this point I would definitely be hoping to look up from the text and see many images of alluring nicotine fairies awaiting me in the exhibition.
Page 3, paragraph 1:
"cigarettes were referred to as (“Soldiers Smoke”)" The parenthesis made me confused as to whether this was useful information or something I should ignore and if so, why it was there.
"cigarette sales reached the highest they had ever been" I'd be interested in figures here.
"Tobacco companies competed over who would be the most popular." The phrasing threw me off a little here, perhaps it would be more fitting to describe them more as economical rivals.
"These companies would send" & "the President of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt, makes tobacco" Tense consistency.
"Tobacco was running the show from the home front to the trenches." I'm in two minds about this. As a jolly museum-goer, this line says "yay, a fun ending to a fun paragraph!" As someone trying to proofread, I know I could have lost a mark using this kind of tone. So it really depends on your goals for this piece and what you're being graded on.
Page 3, paragraph 2:
"1920’s and 30’s ads promoted the healthy virtues of smoking" Now I'd be interested in hearing some examples of those healthy virtues. (and would be looking for this in the exhibition itself)
"the negative side effects of tobacco made their way into the public forum" Interested in knowing how that happened and if a specific incident tipped the scales.
Page 3, paragraph 3:
would be interested in more examples of medical studies, at least a few: who, where, how?
Page 3, paragraph 5:
"its use is still very evident in today’s society" evident how? I'd like some examples here, just to know if you're referring to seeing randos smoking on the street every day with our own two eyes, to statistics, to media, or any combination of those.
"smoking is still being stylishly and slyly entered into our consciousness"
Stylish intrusions? In your consciousness? It's likelier than you think!
I mean, I suggest using more factual phrasing for this one.
"Studies have shown that most adult smokers" This is where I'd like at least one example of such a study.
"This is not a surprising statistic" Again, I find the phrasing subjective here, when there's no need for it. Smoking at a young age can be explained by several factors, or something.
Page 4, paragraph 2
"It is statistically evident that throughout the past century tobacco consumption has drastically decreased" Give to me the statistics, put them in my mouth.
Smol things:
page 1, paragraph 1, l.10, "to relive pain" -> "relieve pain"
page 3, paragraph 2 - When reading a written publication, I would not expect to see the abbreviation "ads" take over after several uses of "advertisements". Words like "spread" could alleviate the repetition. Maybe that's just me, though! It's a common abbreviation and I might just have forgotten seeing it in text.
page 3, paragraph 2, l.6 "Moving away from the traditional trading cards," I'm a little confused by this transition. Who is moving? To me, it sounds like a spoken line rather than something I would read. Was there a decline in the use of the trading cards? What happened in between?
page 3, paragraph 5, l. 4: "starting smoking" -> "start smoking"
page 4, paragraph 4, l. 4: "From July 2019, of this year" Voila that was my read XOXO |
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