Post by Liou on Jun 3, 2019 5:18:32 GMT -5
Remember the 2019 Neopian Times April Fools collab issue, The Coconut?
I was not a part of it since I don't do non-fiction and the theme was better suited to articles.
I did make a bit of an attempt, though. Just found the poor abandoned thing while saving my documents.
It's very scrappy, but whatever, I had fun with it, so, just to share:
Skirmish Factions Realise That Obelisk Is Just A Big Rock
Early last Thursday, the six battle-hardened factions skirmishing for control of the Tyrannian Obelisk came to the collective realisation that said obelisk had never been anything more than a big chunk of rock.
Citing their utter disinterest in the dull block of stone, battlers of the Thieves' Guild, Sway, Order of the Red Erisim, Brute Squad, Seekers and Awakened expressed dismay at having spent the best of the last six years squabbling over an oversized lawn ornament.
"I mean, what were we thinking?" said one thief into our one-of-a-kind custom coconut microphone. "Jewels and socks all over Neopia are just begging to be pilfered, and we wasted all this time throwing sticky hands at a boulder!"
Pressed for comment on the estimated worth of the Obelisk, one thief conceded that it might "look all right as a miniature on someone's Neovision set, I guess."
Guild leader Kanrik reportedly hunched in the shadows of his tent and lamented missing out on so many artefacts given out by the Faeries during the Wraith Resurgence like candy for trick-or-treaters. "Trying to steal a giant rock, can you imagine?" smouldered the Gelert from the charismatic depths of his hood. "I've never been more embarrassed. I'll never live it down. Who were we going to sell it to, anyway? It's not even perfectly flat enough for those quarry folks in Altador."
In response to Kanrik's stupefaction at the fact that she had "never in six years thought to mention that it was just a rock", celebrated explorer and artefact expert Hannah confessed that "it was too funny watching you battle through crowds of fans," adding that checking updates on the skirmishes was one of the few things that kept her entertained through the tedium of exploring Kreludan caves.
Sources confirmed that the members of the Thieves' Guild spent much of the morning not only working to break camp and gather their equipment, but generously assisting the other factions in packing their belongings.
One agent of the secret society known as the Sway pointed out - no longer into our one-of-a-kind custom coconut microphone - that this only proved they had been right all along. "Nothing escapes the Sway, and this common old slab most certainly qualifies as nothing. We only stayed to keep an eye on it," said the shifty-eyed agent, nervously adding that the Duchess was infallible and they had never once doubted her judgement.
Agents across the camp all claimed to have been aware of fighting over a rock too large for any mansion's zen garden, and wondering how long it would take the others to come to the same realisation. "It was just so awkward," explained one insider, "to stand with the others and try to figure out if they know. You can't just drop that knowledge on people, you can't tell them, 'It's a rock, honey.'"
When questioned about the boons they had earned from the first battle and subsequent skirmishes, agents described them as "so passe!" and "absolutely last-season", adding that "Charity Corner boons are where it's at, dear."
The Duchess expressed her determination to meddle with the political happenings in the Lost Desert before they were over, declaring she would have "no further dealings with that Coltzan wannabe Oracle" before leaving for an appointment of utmost importance with one Granny Hopbobbin.
Wizards of the Order of the Red Erisim expressed disappointment that the Obelisk, in spite of its pointy shape, would not even be any good as a wizard's tower, insisting that the stone spire was simply too uncomfortable to sit on while hurling down spells. They concluded that it was, at best, to be used for target practice.
"Would you look at that dusty old thing, sitting there like it fell asleep in the middle of a ceremony," said Rasala the Bright, shaking her pointy-hatted head at the Obelisk. "Power must be controlled by those who understand it, and I understand one thing: that, my friends, is a rock."
The leader of the Order added that no mage would ever have stored magical power in an object so dull, backed by several members who agreed that they would have got bored halfway through the magic ritual. A few witches reportedly pulled off a half-hearted attempt to transfigure the Obelisk into something, anything more interesting than a rock, before losing the last of their interest.
When it was pointed out that she had led the Order into battle over the aforementioned large rock, Rasala the Bright reportedly dealt with her embarrassment by casting a fireball over the area and setting everyone's priorities straight.
Members of the Brute Squad confided that, of all the giant stones they had fought over, the Obelisk was not even among the top hundred most engaging. Some hinted that the Obelisk might have redeemed itself if only it had bothered to find a more striking title, such as "The Eldritch Cudgel of Wrath" or "Blazefury Banecrusher".
"Does it even lift? I mean, what's the point if we can't all take turns bench pressing it?" asked Martha, disappointed in the Obelisk's lack of functional gym features.
Tactical experts confirmed that, short of the world's largest slingshot or strongest javelin thrower, there was no practical way to use a giant rock as a weapon, and the Obelisk was therefore not a weapon, but a rock. Battlers added that they believed any object could become a weapon when wielded by a true warrior, "except for that rock, I mean, have you seen it."
While the squad broke camp, Commander Flint reasoned that one "can only pull off so many majestic training montages on the Obelisk before getting bored."
Categorically denying any interest in the Obelisk, even from a geological point of view, the Seekers disclosed that the newly-revealed plain old giant rock had nothing to teach them, "except maybe how it's possible for students to feel bored while staring at a blackboard."
Citing the results of their intensive experiments, the faction's geologists reiterated that none of the minerals contained within the Obelisk were of the slightest interest or even worth thinking about for more than five seconds. Said one Ixi, "We do crave that mineral, but not that much of it."
Preparing her assistant Tiny for travel, young genius Seeker Katie lamented the lack of interesting tales to recount for her classmates, adding that most of them would likely have full reports on the portals that had appeared in Brightvale, while she would tell them all about the big rock that her uncle showed her.
Leading Seeker Professor Lambert declined to comment, muttering instead about a "backlog of papers taller than this misplaced mineral clod."
Members of the Awakened expressed joy at the fact that, for once, no one could say that they had been the slowest on the uptake, and were reportedly pleased to spread the news to the last of their number still attempting to chew on the Obelisk. "I can't believe it's not cake!" said one zombie.
A majority of undead confirmed that they were positively psyched to have more time to catch up on The Grand Neovian Bake-Off and fully enjoy their post-life experience by surrounding themselves with fulfilling things, specifying that to mean fewer humongous minerals and more edible pastries.
Twins Lanie and Lillie reportedly strolled off with parting words:
"Don't worry, Obelisk -"
"We'll visit you for your birthday -"
"We'll bring you cake -"
"And eat it."
"No, come back," cried a distraught Oracle while floating after the battlers, adding that these had been the best six years of her continued existence and it was all thanks to the skirmishers, that no one could imagine how bored she had been before their arrival, and that she'd thought they had a bond. She paused briefly to express concern that her secret treasure trove of Coltzan fan merchandise had been discovered.
At press time, the Oracle was spotted drifting miserably after a gaggle of zombies, waving a bunch of underinflated balloons.
