Critique? Sipping With Sophistication

[Blu]

if anyone wants to read this over I would really appreciate it! I think it is pretty good but I am awful at grammar and I always value another pair of eyes and another opinion. So please let me know what you think. I'll probably submit this next Wed. Feb. 10

For those who aren't aware, Jadriar is my Lab Pet who is also my 'author persona'. That is why the article is 'by Jadriar'. The context may be a little confusing then but I think for the most part it will be fine.

SPOILER: Click to show

By Jadriar
Adventurer, Journalist, and Author Extraordinaire

The Coffee Cave, Roo Island – Due to a recent convention for Neopian Writers, I had the honor of stopping in at my favorite beverage establishment, The Coffee Cave.

It was during this time I remembered several months ago when I wrote, Roasty Toasty: The Best Neopians Coffees, which I noticed, despite the Coffee Cave’s name, they sold more than just coffee on their hot beverage menu. Along with coffees, lattes, and borovan, The Coffee Cave also sells tea – a wonderful and warm beverage if Neopians do not wish to have a caffeinated buzz. I have therefore compiled for you a list of the best teas – as I did the best coffees.

Chai Tea
If you are new to tea drinking, then I suggest the Chai Tea as your first cup. At The Coffee Cave, Chai Tea is made with the richest Kau milk and only the best spices from the Lost Desert. “Importing the spices from the Lost Desert is expensive, but it’s what makes our Chai Tea some of the best in Neopia,” The Coffee Cave shopkeeper informed me. Upon asking how the tea was made in the shop, one of the brewers answered, “We heat up the Kau milk in a large cast-iron pot with all the spices. As the milk heats to a simmer we gradually add room-temperature black tea.” As I am sure you can imagine, this creates a smooth and creamy tea, perfect for any first-time tea drinkers.

Dandelion Tea
Just as the description on the menu says, “There is no need to let weeds go to waste when you can brew them into a tasty tea!” This environmentally friendly tea features one of the most abundant plants in Neopia, dandelions. Poured into a special green mug, customers can get the sweet taste of dandelion while enjoying the warm sensation of a tea. At the time I had a great curiosity for this tea and therefore I asked the Coffee Cave shopkeeper what prompted this idea. She replied, “Well you see all these dandelion weeds growing over Neopia Central and Neopian’s gardens. I just thought, why not turn it into a tea.” Upon hearing this a brewer piped in, “I thought the boss was crazy! The tea is pretty popular though and Neopians will donate the dandelions from their gardens, recycling Neopia’s environment.”

Glowleaf Tea
Glowleaf Tea is one of the more exotic teas sold at the Coffee Cave. At first I was hesitant to try this brew. Questions swirled through my head. Will my tongue turn green? Is there some obscure alchemy at work that makes the tea glow? When asked this later question, the Coffee Cave shopkeeper laughed and said, “No, silly. Neither alchemy nor magic is used in brewing this tea. The Glowleaf can be found on a rare plant deep in the Haunted Woods. We ask our traders who come through that area to keep an eye out for the leaf. We find those brave enough to travel through the Haunted Woods at night find the leaf easier. After all, it glows.”

Jasmine Tea
“This floral blend is well drunk in the Gourmet Club,” one of the shop’s employees told me. This was to no surprise to me. The flavors in this tea were magnificent. The Coffee Cave uses a simple brewing technique with this tea. They bring a cast iron pot of green tea to a boil and then dip a small sack of Jasmine blossoms into the mug of the customer. “These blossoms can be tricky to obtain,” the shopkeeper informed me. “They grow high in the mountains of Shenkuu. I don’t think they are native to Shenkuu but that is the only place I have found them.”

Purblare Tea
“I have always found customers who drink this tea rather funny,” an employee of the Coffee Cave told me as he served my mug of Plurblare Tea. “Usually the customers who drink this tea will add a lot of sugar and other spices to the tea.” At first, I could not imagine why drinkers would add sugar to the tea. However, upon sipping the tea, the most violent punch of sourness hit my lips that they were forced to pucker into a face that made the Coffee Cave employee chuckle. “I guess I should have warned you that purblares are sour.” After laughing with the employee I was informed that this tea is made from important purblares, a fruit that resembles a lumpy, mis-shapen pear from Brightvale.

Strongberry Tea
While tasting many of the Coffee Cave’s different teas, the shopkeeper recommended that I try the Strongberry Tea. This tea is freshly brewed every morning with Strongberrie. My-oh-my it was delicious! Warm, calming, and with a zesty zing at the end that put a smile upon my face. What made this tea even more delectable – at least in my opinion—were the small chunks of strongberry left inside the tea. “At first I wasn’t sure about leaving junks of strongberries in the tea,” the shopkeeper admitted. “I think it has turned out pretty good though. Some of the customers enjoy the crunch of the fruit.”

Tarragon Tea
Tarragon is an aromatic vine found along the cliff sides of Shenkuu. When brewing Tarragon Tea, the Coffee Cave rips the vine into small pieces and seeps the plant in a cup of green tea before serving to the customer. “I like to put a small chunk of vine along the rim of the mug before I serve the customer their tea,” an employee of the Coffee Cave admitted to me. “They don’t have to drink the vine. Its really just an accent piece since the plant has such a wonderful aroma.”

Sunflower Tea
“We serve this tea in a special cup painted by the artists of Roo Island to resemble a sunflower,” the shopkeeper told me. “I don’t know about my customers, but just drinking such a gleeful tea out of a happy painted cup makes me pleased.” This tea is best served over ice on a summer morning. When which part of the sunflower was used to brew this tea, I was informed that both the leaves and the petals were used. At first I could not taste the petals, however as I reached the bottom of the cup I started to taste something sweet and the wonderful scent of sunflowers filled my nose. To my surprise, the Coffee Cave lines the bottom of the mug in sunflower petals!

[Twillie]

The writing in this article is quite nice, I must say. It speaks very concisely, but the integration of narration and quotes flows along in such short amounts of time to convey many different personalities. The citing technique was done very well in this.

The subject matter is also relatable to people outside of the Neopian world too. I think that benefits articles for the NT, as it stretches to something people can interact with (to an extent) in real life.

For the critique I have, I’m just going to format it the same way you did your article because it’s nifty organization and I’m not feeling being uber creative XP

SPOILER: Click to show

The second sentence in the intro reads rather confusingly, I think from a combination of missing commas and tense mixup. I don’t know what the “I remembered several months ago” means, and that part can probably be cut. After the title of “Roasty Toasty” is put in, the “which…” doesn’t line up with the previous clause. Maybe just , “It was during the time I wrote ‘Roasty Toasty: The Best Neopian Coffees’ that I noticed that, despite the name, the Coffee Cave sold more than coffee.”

Also, the alluded to article should be in quotation marks (or maybe italics, someone correct me if I’m wrong).

I don’t think that dash in the last sentence is necessary, though I could be wrong.


Dandelion Tea

The “there” in the quote should be lowercase.

The shopkeeper’s quote should have a comma after “well,” and is it a question? It seems to read like one, but it has a period, so I’m not sure.

Her second sentence in the quote should have a question mark.


Glowleaf Tea

I would rearrange the order of the two initial questions. If you ask if magic makes it glow before, then it cues readers in on the tea’s appearance. Right now, I don’t really understand why he’d worry about his tongue turning green until I read after he asks that.

Then, you would just reword the next sentence to say “former” question (and it should be latter, not later, for future reference ;3)

The word “leaf” is also used quite a bit for sentences so close together.

The last few sentences I think should be combined, as they sound repetitive. You mention the traders twice, and the two sentences sound rather disjointed at the moment. Perhaps, “We find traders brave enough to travel there at night, so as to make finding it easier. After all, it glows.”


Jasmine Tea

The second sentence should be “This was no surprise to me.”

In the last sentence, there should be a comma after “Shenkuu.” Also, why would he not think they’re native to Shenkuu? That seems a typical place for blossoms to be, so are there any clues that hint at foreign origins? Or is it that this blossom is mysterious to him. If that’s more what it is, I’d have him say he doesn’t know, not that he doesn’t think.


Publare Tea

In the first sentence, it sounds like you’re describing the tea as funny, when I think you mean the customers. Rearranging the descriptive words so that it’s obvious what they’re referring to.

Also, you use “customers who drink this tea” in two consecutive sentences.

What does “important purblares” mean? The adjective seems out of place, or at least left hanging, as it isn’t explained why they’re important. Unless it’s saying they’re important to the tea, in which case it’s a bit redundant as the tea is named after the publare.


Strongberry Tea

Only once, “strongberry” is capitalized and spelled with an -ie at the end, which might just be a spelling error. I don’t know if it was deliberate or not.

Also, it should be “chunks of strongberry,” not “junk.”


Tarragon Tea

It should be “before serving it to the customer.” That sentence or the next might need rewording, though, as serve the customer is used twice together.

Also, the last its needs an apostrophe, as it does not show possession.


Sunflower Tea

I would reword the shopkeeper’s opinion about drinking the tea, as there are too many adjectives put in, and the pleased part sounds rather proper or reserved compared to the rest of the sentence. It just ends on an inconsistent note, so I think a synonym for pleased would do better.

It should be “When I asked which part…”

The second to last sentence has some comma confusion, and to be honest the first part I don’t have a definite answer to X) With the “however,” I feel like there should be a comma before and after it, along with a comma after “cup,” but I don’t know if that’s too excessive. Someone else might know, but I would play it safe and replace “however” with “but.”

There should also be a comma after “sweet.”

In the last sentence, it should be “with,” not “in.” The current preposition just gives a confusing image right now, as it sounds like the whole cup was placed into something, when really the petals were placed in the cup.

It might do good to have a conclusion to the article as well, so as to tie things up more cleanly and give some closure. It probably doesn’t have to be anything too long, as the intro didn’t run on, but it would help bookend the article and allow you to give some final, selling words.

[Blu]

Feb 5, 2015 18:39:10 GMT -5 Twillie said:

The writing in this article is quite nice, I must say. It speaks very concisely, but the integration of narration and quotes flows along in such short amounts of time to convey many different personalities. The citing technique was done very well in this.

The subject matter is also relatable to people outside of the Neopian world too. I think that benefits articles for the NT, as it stretches to something people can interact with (to an extent) in real life.

For the critique I have, I’m just going to format it the same way you did your article because it’s nifty organization and I’m not feeling being uber creative XP

SPOILER: Click to show

The second sentence in the intro reads rather confusingly, I think from a combination of missing commas and tense mixup. I don’t know what the “I remembered several months ago” means, and that part can probably be cut. After the title of “Roasty Toasty” is put in, the “which…” doesn’t line up with the previous clause. Maybe just , “It was during the time I wrote ‘Roasty Toasty: The Best Neopian Coffees’ that I noticed that, despite the name, the Coffee Cave sold more than coffee.”

Also, the alluded to article should be in quotation marks (or maybe italics, someone correct me if I’m wrong).

I don’t think that dash in the last sentence is necessary, though I could be wrong.


Dandelion Tea

The “there” in the quote should be lowercase.

The shopkeeper’s quote should have a comma after “well,” and is it a question? It seems to read like one, but it has a period, so I’m not sure.

Her second sentence in the quote should have a question mark.


Glowleaf Tea

I would rearrange the order of the two initial questions. If you ask if magic makes it glow before, then it cues readers in on the tea’s appearance. Right now, I don’t really understand why he’d worry about his tongue turning green until I read after he asks that.

Then, you would just reword the next sentence to say “former” question (and it should be latter, not later, for future reference ;3)

The word “leaf” is also used quite a bit for sentences so close together.

The last few sentences I think should be combined, as they sound repetitive. You mention the traders twice, and the two sentences sound rather disjointed at the moment. Perhaps, “We find traders brave enough to travel there at night, so as to make finding it easier. After all, it glows.”


Jasmine Tea

The second sentence should be “This was no surprise to me.”

In the last sentence, there should be a comma after “Shenkuu.” Also, why would he not think they’re native to Shenkuu? That seems a typical place for blossoms to be, so are there any clues that hint at foreign origins? Or is it that this blossom is mysterious to him. If that’s more what it is, I’d have him say he doesn’t know, not that he doesn’t think.


Publare Tea

In the first sentence, it sounds like you’re describing the tea as funny, when I think you mean the customers. Rearranging the descriptive words so that it’s obvious what they’re referring to.

Also, you use “customers who drink this tea” in two consecutive sentences.

What does “important purblares” mean? The adjective seems out of place, or at least left hanging, as it isn’t explained why they’re important. Unless it’s saying they’re important to the tea, in which case it’s a bit redundant as the tea is named after the publare.


Strongberry Tea

Only once, “strongberry” is capitalized and spelled with an -ie at the end, which might just be a spelling error. I don’t know if it was deliberate or not.

Also, it should be “chunks of strongberry,” not “junk.”


Tarragon Tea

It should be “before serving it to the customer.” That sentence or the next might need rewording, though, as serve the customer is used twice together.

Also, the last its needs an apostrophe, as it does not show possession.


Sunflower Tea

I would reword the shopkeeper’s opinion about drinking the tea, as there are too many adjectives put in, and the pleased part sounds rather proper or reserved compared to the rest of the sentence. It just ends on an inconsistent note, so I think a synonym for pleased would do better.

It should be “When I asked which part…”

The second to last sentence has some comma confusion, and to be honest the first part I don’t have a definite answer to X) With the “however,” I feel like there should be a comma before and after it, along with a comma after “cup,” but I don’t know if that’s too excessive. Someone else might know, but I would play it safe and replace “however” with “but.”

There should also be a comma after “sweet.”

In the last sentence, it should be “with,” not “in.” The current preposition just gives a confusing image right now, as it sounds like the whole cup was placed into something, when really the petals were placed in the cup.

It might do good to have a conclusion to the article as well, so as to tie things up more cleanly and give some closure. It probably doesn’t have to be anything too long, as the intro didn’t run on, but it would help bookend the article and allow you to give some final, selling words.

Thanks for the feedback Twillie (especially the grammatical and punctuation stuff) Your right about having a conclusion. I completely blanked writing one! You discuss the integration of quotes but I am not quiet sure what you are saying. You say "but" as if there is something wrong. I'm a little confused on that feedback. Do you like the integration of dialogue from other characters or not so much?

[Twillie]

I like the quotes. I said "but" when comparing the brevity of your paragraphs to their flow, as some people may interpret "short" as "not good." I just wanted to make sure you knew I noticed both the fast pace and flow and think that it's well written.

[Blu]

Feb 6, 2015 20:03:54 GMT -5 Twillie said:

I like the quotes. I said "but" when comparing the brevity of your paragraphs to their flow, as some people may interpret "short" as "not good." I just wanted to make sure you knew I noticed both the fast pace and flow and think that it's well written.

Ah okay! Thank you for the input!!!