Annihilate my BVU submission

[Blu]

I am going to apologize now for how rough this draft is. I know there is a lot still to work on which I have noted below in red so please realize I understand these missing pieces.

This is also my first attempt at a Neo-related horror/thriller. Its not as much as to scare my reader but more make them think and shiver.

Please let me know if this can be worked with or if I should scrap it and try something else for BVU.
Also please ignore the brackets. I tend to format for the NT as I write so it is really me just being lazy.

SPOILER: Click to show

Everybody claims to remember the 12th Day of Celebrating in the Fifteenth Year of Neopia. Everybody claims to remember that day because that was the day the Brightvale University Library burnt down. Everybody claims to remember that day, but one Neopian actually remembered that day, he remembered that day so well, it was as if he relived it every year.

***

19th Day of Gathering, Y16

I have a new patient starting today. She is first year—more specifically a modest white Kyrii from Meridell--fresh with scholarly enthusiasm and the dream of escaping her mundane life on the farm. Her records state that she majors in the developing fields of medicinal arts. Her professors report her as calm, level-headed, respectful, and always remembering her manners and pardons in the corridors.

I make it a personal effort to talk with each and every first year student. I want them to know they are welcomed in my office if they ever need help or a place to unload after a long day of academic pursuits.

What was particularly strange about this Kyrii is that everything she said, she said so nonchalantly. It was like every word she said was common knowledge.

Dr. Jendoal: Welcome Aress, please take a seat on the sofa. How have you been enjoying your first year here at Brightvale University?

Aress: It is going well.

Dr. Jendoal: Are your finding your classes enjoyable?

Aress: Yes. They are very exciting and I am finding that each professor has their own methods of teaching. Why, just earlier this week my Medicinal Herbs professor took us out into the Castle’s Greenhouses to identify medical plants. The weather had just been so lovely I could not have pictured a more perfect lesson.

Dr. Jendoal: The weather outside has been beautiful has it not?

Aress: Yes, it has been.

Dr. Jendoal: Have you taken anytime out in the courtyards to play Yooyuball with the other students? It is a very popular past time at Brightvale University.

Aress: Not really. I spend most of my time in the library.

Dr. Jendoal: Oh, so you take your studies quiet seriously then. Have you been getting along with your professors?

Aress: Yes.

Dr. Jendoal: How about your classmates?

Aress: Yes

Dr. Jendoal: What about your roommate?

Aress: Oh, well, I thought we were getting along, but recently she has been upset with me.

Dr. Jendoal: Do you know why she is upset with you? Sometimes living with a stranger can be stressful and terrifying. Perhaps you two should talk about what is upsetting her.

Aress: We have talked. She says that I am talking in my sleep and that keeps her up at night but the times she says she has caught me sleep talking, I am not asleep.

Dr. Jendoal: Are you sure? Most Neopians with this symptom are not aware that they mumble in their sleep.

Aress: I am not asleep. I am talking to the shadow.

Dr. Jendoal: The shadow?

Aress: It helps me study a lot when I am in the library. It is particularly good at fire magic. I really do not have use for fire magic beyond the healing ointments that cool burnt fur, scales, and skin—respectively of course.

Dr. Jendoal: A shadow helps you study?

Aress: Yes, but mainly it stares at me at night. I have told it to stop coming by the dormitory at night because it upsets Xoki, but it just says it does not care what she has to say, it just stares at me from the window every night when I am trying to fall asleep. When I told it that it keeps me up at night and that I needed a good night’s rest. It just told me that it had to warn me.

Dr. Jendoal: Warn you of what?

Aress: I do not know. He just keeps saying, “The time draws near.”

Dr. Jendoal: What draws near?

Aress: I told you, I do not know.

1st, Day of Collecting, Y16

It has been a few weeks since Ms. Aress of Meridell has started therapeutic sessions with me. I had recommended that we keep meeting because I wished to know more about this shadow companion of hers. Since the last visit, however, very little has been said about her late night conversations and her shadowy friend. I searched the university’s student records, but, naturally, to no avail. Nothing fit the description that Mr. Aress provided me. Therefore, until I acquire more information, I will allow this shadow to be an entity. I will not deny it’s existence nor will I tell Aress that it does not exist. I wish to cure this Neopian without shattering her mind completely.

Today, I feel an intense amount of pity for the young Kyrii. Her eyes have become red and droop with exhaustion. Her mane has become knotted, and her weight has decreased significantly in just the few weeks. I started by offering her some tea and sandwiches. She took both on her plate before we began out conversation, but she did not consume any of it.


Dr. Jendoal: Aress, you seem out of sorts today. What is on your mind?

Aress: Last night a student slipped in the lavatory. She was the brown Kau from my first year seminar class. She is currently in the medical wing at the hospital.

Dr. Jendoal: Yes, I heard about that. It is a relief to hear that she will recover well.

Aress: I suppose.

Dr. Jendoal: Tell me, what is really on your mind, child.

Aress: I think the shadow did it.

Dr. Jendoal: The shadow? Why would it have done such a thing?

Aress: It said that she cheated on her midterm essay. The shadow and I were talking one night…

Dr. Jendoal: I thought we discussed these late night conversations in your dormitory.

Aress: He was starring at me again from the window. I could not sleep.

Dr. Jendoal: You still should not be out roaming the grounds at night. Do you understand?

Aress: Yes, Dr. Jendoal.

Dr. Jendoal: Now, if the shadow has witnessed academic dishonesty, he should report it to the Dean of Students immediately. He should not have pushed the girl in the lavatory.

Aress: It knows, but it won’t listen.

15th Day of Collecting Y16

Today, I plan to talk to Aress about this shadow. Several professors now have approached me discerning their thoughts on the matter. They claim that Aress has begun to talk to the walls in the corridors, specially to a corners were corridors intersect. One professor even reported that she screamed in the middle of a lecture, claiming that the shadow had pulled her hair.

It is important to note that Aress has become vacant—that is for the duration of our session she sat physically in my office, but her eyes constantly wandered to the corners of the square office. At one point her eyes looked straight through me as if I was not actually there.


Dr. Jendoal: How are you today Aress. Aress, I asked how your day was going? I thought we would talk about your shadow friend todayCan you tell me what species of Neopet it is?

Aress: I think it is an Eyrie.

Dr. Jendoal: What color?

Aress: How should I know, it is a shadow. Shadows do not have fur or feathers, just shadow.

Dr. Jendoal: Oh, well then, how about what year it is?

Aress: He no longer attends Brightvale University.

Dr. Jendoal: Did it graduate?

Aress: No.

Dr. Jendoal: Did it drop out?

Aress: No.

Dr. Jendoal: Was it put on academic probation?

Aress: No.

Dr. Jendoal: Alright, he must not have been able to afford another semester.

Aress: No. It told me it could afford it. It’s parents had served in the royal guard for his majesty, King Hagan.

Dr. Jendoal: Then what happened? Perhaps you can provide me some facial features? Does it have a any distinguishable marks; scars, freckles, or beauty marks perhaps?

Aress: Oh, it does not have a face. Do not worry. I will not tell the evil doctor anything

14th, Day of Storing

I had a visitor today in my office. It was Aress. I had not talked to her in awhile and at first I assumed she wished to apologize for skipping our session. This, however, is not the case. I am recording the disturbing conversation we had for reference notes in this bizarre case.

Aress: I came to warn you that it will happen again. I had to warn you.

Dr. Jendoal: Warn me of what? This count down you keep talking about? Aress, this needs to end, the shadow is not real.

Aress: We have twenty-nine days.

Dr. Jendoal: Twenty-nine days until what?

Aress: Until history repeats itself.

At this I stood from my desk and walked over to Aress. I grabbed her firmly on the shoulders. I actually shook her a little. It was unprofessional of me—I know—but the child was saying such cryptic things and answering none of my questions.

Dr. Jendoal: Aress, this shadow is in your head. If you continue with this childish nonsense I am gong to have to report you to the Dean of Students. If you hurt a fellow scholar, you will be expelled from Brightvale University. Do you understand me?

11th, Day of Celebrating Y16

Today is one of my final sessions with Aress. She has been expelled from the school for hurting a student –Xoti her roommate – and other derangements such as causing scenes in the class room, disturbing scholars in the library, and throwing her butter knife across the cafeteria.

Dr. Jendoal: So, it would seem today is our last day together.

Aress: Good riddance.

Dr. Jendoal: You seem excited to leave? I am surprised by this given how enthusiastic you where to be learning here at Brightvale University.

Aress: You all are good for nothing. You never listen.

Dr. Jendoal: What are we not hearing, my dear?

Aress: I told that fat Professor Lambert that the countdown was nearly up, history will repeat itself. We have only twenty-four hours left! That old curmudgeon thanked my kindness by publicly humiliating me in lecture.

Dr. Jendoal: Oh, Professor Lambert had told me that you stood up in the lecture hall screaming about how the end was coming.

Aress: I did not such thing. Besides, that tree lover, Xoti, is delusional. I did not burn her with the candle and then pour wax on her wound.

Dr. Jendoal: The doctors at in the Medical Wing told me that Xoti saw you holding the candle next to her cot.

Aress: I. Did. Not. Do. That. The shadow did.

Dr. Jendoal: You throw a knife at a student in the dining hall.

Aress: I was throwing it at the shadow.

Dr. Jendoal: That knife was aimed right at his forehead. I saw you aim and throw it.

Aress: I WAS AIMING FOR THE SHADOW! Why don’t you ever listen? This is the last warning I am giving you Doc. You have twenty-four hours until it comes and when it comes, history will repeat itself. The shadow told me that the day everybody claims to remembers will happen again.

Dr. Jendoal: What will happen again?


***
Everybody would remember that day, the 12th Day of Celebrating, in the Sixteenth Year. Everybody would remember that day because that was the day the Brightvale University Library was burnt to the ground again. Everybody would remember the young white Kyrii who tried to warn them, but no one would admit that she was right. Everybody would remember that day, but one Neopian remembered that day the best, he remembered that day so well, he relived it every year.

My personal notes to fix:
Fix holes:
    Aress back story
    Add more stuff/back story on the shadow
    Why is he a shadow
    How did he become a shadow
    Is he malevolent or beneficient
    Add better dialogue for Aress
        Should start out enthusiastic and happy to be at BVU
        Should be tired, but still trying her best at BVU
        Should be deranged and psychotic sounding
            Should still talk as if she has been released. That her explusion has been her savior.
PUnctionation:
Periods at end of dialogues
Commas
Read aloud

[thedoggirl]

Blu I think your story is fascinating.
I don't have a lot of time right now, but here are some of my quick thoughts:

SPOILER: Click to show

I thought the story had a creepy vibe overall, but not too disturbing.
I personally think it would be more of a drastic change if she started out very happy about BVU (like she seems to be in the beginning.)
It would be cool to see more information on the shadow creature, but my opinion is that you shouldn't add too much to keep the mystery. (Just an opinion.)
I see in your notes you plan to touch up the dialog for Aress. I like that;however, I also like the sometimes simpler, abrupt style she takes up later on.

[Blu]

Sept 29, 2014 22:09:03 GMT -5 thedoggirl said:

Blu I think your story is fascinating.
I don't have a lot of time right now, but here are some of my quick thoughts:

SPOILER: Click to show

I thought the story had a creepy vibe overall, but not too disturbing.
I personally think it would be more of a drastic change if she started out very happy about BVU (like she seems to be in the beginning.)
It would be cool to see more information on the shadow creature, but my opinion is that you shouldn't add too much to keep the mystery. (Just an opinion.)
I see in your notes you plan to touch up the dialog for Aress. I like that;however, I also like the sometimes simpler, abrupt style she takes up later on.

Whoo! Feedback!! Thank you so much for the help!

[Anemone]

Your story was pretty interesting. I liked it :3

SPOILER: Click to show

I did have a couple of thoughts. Would Dr. Jendoal become concerned, at any point, for his safety? He didn't believe that there was really a ghost at the university and seemed to think that Aress had intentionally thrown the knife at the other student. If so, you could perhaps show how nervous etc he might've become around Aress in their later sessions.

My advice would be to provide some more information about the shadow (hints as to why he's a shadow and how he became that way) but to keep from giving /too/ much exposition.. if that makes sense :s. I enjoyed how mysterious he seemed.

[Blu]

Sept 30, 2014 8:52:16 GMT -5 Anemone said:

Your story was pretty interesting. I liked it :3

SPOILER: Click to show

I did have a couple of thoughts. Would Dr. Jendoal become concerned, at any point, for his safety? He didn't believe that there was really a ghost at the university and seemed to think that Aress had intentionally thrown the knife at the other student. If so, you could perhaps show how nervous etc he might've become around Aress in their later sessions.

My advice would be to provide some more information about the shadow (hints as to why he's a shadow and how he became that way) but to keep from giving /too/ much exposition.. if that makes sense :s. I enjoyed how mysterious he seemed.

Thank you so much for the feedback. I have worked some shadow back story in but I really like the idea of Dr. Jendoal becoming nervous. That would make him appear more like a person and less like a robot. thank you for the feedback!

[Twillie]

Ooh, I love thriller and supernatural in the NT! The mood in this piece is great, as reading from the doctor's logs is a creative way of keeping readers guessing.

Here's some thoughts I have on it. Don't be daunted, I just love hearing myself type.

SPOILER: Click to show

Who exactly is Aress at the beginning of this story? Especially since you’re adding her excitement in, does that mean she’s just a normal Neopet, or is she a little odd, like she could already be involved in the supernatural? The way she talks and the way she introduces the shadow imply the latter. Both her and the doctor do not use contractions with their sentences, which gives off either a voice of sophistication, education, or the odd. The doctor I can understand using this tone, but since Aress also does, she sounds other wordly from the start. It also sounds a bit mechanical when both of them talk this way.

Also, she mentions the shadow as if it’s just another encounter of hers. If she were an everyday pet, she might tell someone more urgently or with reluctance, as she would be frightened by a supposed ghost but worried about sharing it in the fear that she be deemed crazy. The lack of contractions and nonchalance could work fine for Aress’ character if she’s supposed to be an unusual girl, though I would still make her and the doctor sound different. If she’s supposed to be normal, then I would definitely stick with making her sound excited and different from the doctor, but I would also introduce the shadow differently. Perhaps she doesn’t mention it on the first meeting, and the doctor is just logging one freshman after another. Then, perhaps he could have a second meeting with the freshman class a week or two later to check in on them, and that’s when Aress comes in stressed about the shadow. Then she could go through the motions of stressed, scared, urgent, and cynical that are already in the story.

Going along with these mentioned motions, most of the conflict comes from them: from nobody listening to Aress. Although this does create a good setup for suspense, there’s nothing really at stake that makes it a complete plot. Yes, she does warn everyone, but nothing much is done about it. Right now, nothing really happens between their first meeting and the fire besides Aress not being listened to. Perhaps Aress could threaten a possession of the doctor or another student specifically, or maybe the doctor comes up with a plan to get Aress to talk. A more immediate conflict would add meat to the setup.

Also, are these logs of the doctor all reflections, or are they recorded live, like he’s writing them the same day that the events happen? If so, then the paragraph arrangement in the first log entry could probably be tweaked. If Aress doesn’t mean much to him at the time, then the paragraph explaining meeting the freshman would go before introducing her. Clearly since her meeting is being mentioned, the readers know she’ll be important, but the doctor doesn’t, and a change in his perspective would add to the increasing insanity. It would go from mundane to supernatural much more tangibly.

Are the introductory and concluding paragraphs narrated by the doctor or Aress, or by a detached narrator? It’s a bit hard to tell as the rest of the story is told from the doctor’s notes, and the first and last paragraphs also have an informative tone to them. It's just a bit confusing.

I also think that tone takes away the suspense in the paragraphs actually, as they just say straight up that the University burned down. Perhaps if shorter sentences were used, and the event was built up even more. Perhaps instead of:

Everybody claims to remember the 12th Day of Celebrating in the 15th year of Neopia. Everybody claims to remember that day because that was the day the Brightvale University Library burnt down.

It could read:

Everybody remembers the 12th Day of Celebrating, Year 15. Everybody claims to remember, at least. Many didn’t know. Few now saw it. Rebuilt, painted over, that day has been glossed up. There’s no evidence. Not a care. Why does everyone claim to remember then? That was the day the Brightvale University Library burnt to the ground.

Now please, I beg that you don't think you need to copy what I wrote. I’m just providing an example of building up to the burning rather than starting with it.
Also-- and this may throw everything off-- why is the burning of the library significant? What caused it to happen the first time, and why does it have to repeat again? It sounds like the shadow was a victim of the first fire, but why does he know it will happen again? Is it a punishment, or is it supernatural? Perhaps also the doctor could log about the library burning down again, as the beginning and ending paragraphs don’t tie into the body well, as little to nothing is mentioned of the library’s backstory in the therapy reports.

[Blu]

Sept 30, 2014 16:58:30 GMT -5 Twillie said:

Ooh, I love thriller and supernatural in the NT! The mood in this piece is great, as reading from the doctor's logs is a creative way of keeping readers guessing.

Here's some thoughts I have on it. Don't be daunted, I just love hearing myself type.

SPOILER: Click to show

Who exactly is Aress at the beginning of this story? Especially since you’re adding her excitement in, does that mean she’s just a normal Neopet, or is she a little odd, like she could already be involved in the supernatural? The way she talks and the way she introduces the shadow imply the latter. Both her and the doctor do not use contractions with their sentences, which gives off either a voice of sophistication, education, or the odd. The doctor I can understand using this tone, but since Aress also does, she sounds other wordly from the start. It also sounds a bit mechanical when both of them talk this way.

Also, she mentions the shadow as if it’s just another encounter of hers. If she were an everyday pet, she might tell someone more urgently or with reluctance, as she would be frightened by a supposed ghost but worried about sharing it in the fear that she be deemed crazy. The lack of contractions and nonchalance could work fine for Aress’ character if she’s supposed to be an unusual girl, though I would still make her and the doctor sound different. If she’s supposed to be normal, then I would definitely stick with making her sound excited and different from the doctor, but I would also introduce the shadow differently. Perhaps she doesn’t mention it on the first meeting, and the doctor is just logging one freshman after another. Then, perhaps he could have a second meeting with the freshman class a week or two later to check in on them, and that’s when Aress comes in stressed about the shadow. Then she could go through the motions of stressed, scared, urgent, and cynical that are already in the story.

Going along with these mentioned motions, most of the conflict comes from them: from nobody listening to Aress. Although this does create a good setup for suspense, there’s nothing really at stake that makes it a complete plot. Yes, she does warn everyone, but nothing much is done about it. Right now, nothing really happens between their first meeting and the fire besides Aress not being listened to. Perhaps Aress could threaten a possession of the doctor or another student specifically, or maybe the doctor comes up with a plan to get Aress to talk. A more immediate conflict would add meat to the setup.

Also, are these logs of the doctor all reflections, or are they recorded live, like he’s writing them the same day that the events happen? If so, then the paragraph arrangement in the first log entry could probably be tweaked. If Aress doesn’t mean much to him at the time, then the paragraph explaining meeting the freshman would go before introducing her. Clearly since her meeting is being mentioned, the readers know she’ll be important, but the doctor doesn’t, and a change in his perspective would add to the increasing insanity. It would go from mundane to supernatural much more tangibly.

Are the introductory and concluding paragraphs narrated by the doctor or Aress, or by a detached narrator? It’s a bit hard to tell as the rest of the story is told from the doctor’s notes, and the first and last paragraphs also have an informative tone to them. It's just a bit confusing.

I also think that tone takes away the suspense in the paragraphs actually, as they just say straight up that the University burned down. Perhaps if shorter sentences were used, and the event was built up even more. Perhaps instead of:

Everybody claims to remember the 12th Day of Celebrating in the 15th year of Neopia. Everybody claims to remember that day because that was the day the Brightvale University Library burnt down.

It could read:

Everybody remembers the 12th Day of Celebrating, Year 15. Everybody claims to remember, at least. Many didn’t know. Few now saw it. Rebuilt, painted over, that day has been glossed up. There’s no evidence. Not a care. Why does everyone claim to remember then? That was the day the Brightvale University Library burnt to the ground.

Now please, I beg that you don't think you need to copy what I wrote. I’m just providing an example of building up to the burning rather than starting with it.
Also-- and this may throw everything off-- why is the burning of the library significant? What caused it to happen the first time, and why does it have to repeat again? It sounds like the shadow was a victim of the first fire, but why does he know it will happen again? Is it a punishment, or is it supernatural? Perhaps also the doctor could log about the library burning down again, as the beginning and ending paragraphs don’t tie into the body well, as little to nothing is mentioned of the library’s backstory in the therapy reports.

Thank you so much for the feedback. For right now I am going to have to put reading this on hold because I am currently stressing over real life but I love how in depth you appeared to get in the critique so thank you again!!! I'll edit this post later with some discussion if necessary. Sorry again. Real Life = No Bueno.

[Blu]

So I am debating of changing how I wrote it a little bit. The content would stay the same but instead of a dialogue log sort of format I would write it like a normal story with paragraphs and dialogue. Any opinions on which may be better?

Edit: I am going to rewrite this. I feel if I rewrite this it will be a thousand times better and Twillie makes a lot of good points that will bother me if I do not fix them. I will repost a new version at some point.

[Stephanie (swordlilly)]

Oct 7, 2014 12:14:06 GMT -5 Blu said:

The content would stay the same but instead of a dialogue log sort of format I would write it like a normal story with paragraphs and dialogue. Any opinions on which may be better?

You could try a combination of both! Make separate scenes to switch between the log POV and the third-person narration POV, and see how it works out. It could be fun.

[Blu]

Oct 7, 2014 13:53:21 GMT -5 Stephanie (swordlilly) said:

Oct 7, 2014 12:14:06 GMT -5 Blu said:

The content would stay the same but instead of a dialogue log sort of format I would write it like a normal story with paragraphs and dialogue. Any opinions on which may be better?

You could try a combination of both! Make separate scenes to switch between the log POV and the third-person narration POV, and see how it works out. It could be fun.

I will look into that. I have already begun to rewrite it in a 3rd person POV and it already is a lot better in my opinion. I am going to take a lot of the dialogue from the earlier versions of the story but this way I can make the girl seem a bit more odd and add more emotion so that it is less 'interview-ish' and more 'story-ish'.  This is the new beginning I have so far. I have not read it over and I am writing it in class so sorry it is very rough.

SPOILER: Click to show

Everybody claims to remember the 12th Day of Celebrating, Y15. Everybody claims to remember that day, yet nobody actually remembers. Everyone has forgotten. They have replaced the stacks of books, the manuscripts, and scrolls. They discarded the evidence as if no one was there that night. A victimless tragedy. Forever forgotten. No one actually remembers that day. They do not remember the day the Brightvale University Library burnt down.

***

19th Day of Gathering, Y16

Dr. Jendoal stands at the end of the hallway. Leaning against the doorframe to his office, he watches as the first year students shuffle down the corridors towards their classes. Each one mutters in hushed tones,

“What if I can’t find my classes?”
“I heard Professor Lambert was Dean of Students.”
“That is nonsense Professor Lambert is a Seeker, when would he have time to be Dean of students?”
“Wait, they don’t have magic classes here, I thought this was a University!”
“If you wanted magic lessons you should have gone to the Faerieland University ding-bat.”

Dr. Jendoal smiles at the first years. So clueless, so excited, yet so scared. Many of the students turned down the hall, heading towards the auditorium. Doubtless these students would be convening for their first-year seminar class. A class that provides the ins and outs of the University: do not cheat, do not hurt a fellow student, and above all, contribute to the academic scholarship.

Pushing off the door frame, Dr. Jendoal joined in the mobs of shuffling students, making his way with some of the first-years towards the auditorium. Pushing open the large doors, Dr. Jendoal nodded his head towards the professor and other faculty. The students shuffled up the tiers of chairs muttering apologetic,

“I’m sorry.”
“I didn’t mean to step on you.”
“Oh no, I spilt your coffee!”
“Coffee already? The school year has hardly begun!”

As the hour approached, the Dean of Students cleared his throat. The Nimmo walked up on the stage, standing behind a large podium. The effect he had on the students was incredible. The loud humming of excited voices instantly dropped to silence. Such silence that one could almost hear the dust settling around the students.
“Welcome to Brightvale University, the Dean of Students projected over the auditorium. I hope you all…”

A loud creak echoed through the auditorium like a Grarrl; loud and tremendous. A small white Kyrii poked her head through the door. Her breathing was heavy, her fur white as the snow in Terror Mountain. What made her stand out from the rest were the bizarre sunglasses on her face. Sure, it was a beautiful sunny day, but this Kyrii’s sunglasses were such bright pink against her white fur with feathers hanging from the earpieces and what looked like seaweed wrapped around the frames.

The Kyrii sneaks through the crowd towards the back of the auditorium. The Dean of Students clears his throat once more,

“As I was saying, I hope that you all have a wonderful first year here at Brightvale University. Please remember to respect your fellow students and study hard. “

The Dean of Students looked down to the side were Dr. Jendoal stood. He continued, “Now I would like to introduce our resident doctor, Dr. Jendoal. Dr. Jendoal do you have a few words you would like to say to the students?”

“Yes, I would be my honor to talk with them,” Dr. Jendoal says, walking up the side stairs and to the podium.

He does not stand behind the podium but next to it, and the Dean of Students. Dr. Jendoal cleared his throat and addressed the throng of scholastic eyes that stared up at him,
“I would like to personally welcome you all to Brightvale University. I am sure you are curious as to why I am addressing you right now. Well, as the year progresses, many students find the need to talk to someone, to vent, if you will. My office is located just down the hall from this auditorium in room 666. I will be meeting with each of you at least once in the beginning few weeks, but know that you are welcome anytime, even if you need to study.”

As Dr. Jendoal descended the stairs a soft applause reverberated through the auditorium. Dr. Jendoal looked out over the hundred of eyes. All of them watch him exit the auditorium, except one pair of golden eyes. The white Kyrii was staring off in the opposite direction, to the corner of the auditorium. Her head was cocked to the side in curiosity as if there was someone there. Dr. Jendoal looked over to the corner. No one was there. Just the other set of stairs up to the stage and a potted Juppie bush.

20th Day of Gathering, Y16

The next evening, Dr. Jendoal stretched in his chair. The day had been long, but it had been enjoyable. He had met with several of the students, keeping a record of each on in his logbook.


Sierra McMaster: Brown Kau. Studying Botany and Agriculture. She is very interesting. She believes that Neopia will burn unless Neopians learn to be more proficient with our fuels.

Scarrola Hornigold: Red Scorchio. Studying Journalism. Wants to be world renown Neopian Times Reporter. Very bright young lady.

Drunri Dartingly: Blue Ruki. Undeclared Major. He does not seem to know what he wants in life. His parents are both guards in the Brightvale Castle. He told me they are forcing him to get an education, he just wants to travel Neopia.


There was a light tap on the door. “Hello,” she said with a voice like honey. “Is anybody here?”

“Yes, I am in the back office. Please come in. The door is to the right of the coffee machine.”

Dr. Jendoal looked upon his last meeting of the day. The small white Kyrii wore a witch’s hat and a sparkly gold dress. Dr. Jendoal tried to appear unsurprised but he knew his attempts were weak.

[thedoggirl]

I REALLY like this new style, Blu. The old version was good, but it was almost too fast paced and didn't build up the suspense as much. The MC Kyrii is odd and I love that. It works excellent in this plot.

This is a rough draft, but I'd like to point out the tense inconsistencies with verbs. (I apologize if you already knew that.)
Overall, I look forward to seeing more.

[Blu]

Oct 8, 2014 16:58:59 GMT -5 thedoggirl said:

I REALLY like this new style, Blu. The old version was good, but it was almost too fast paced and didn't build up the suspense as much. The MC Kyrii is odd and I love that. It works excellent in this plot.

This is a rough draft, but I'd like to point out the tense inconsistencies with verbs. (I apologize if you already knew that.)
Overall, I look forward to seeing more.

Oh tense.. ya I found that when I read it over. I"m glad you like it. Its nice to get some positive feedback with the new style. I write better this way and I think that shows. Thank you for the help!! I'll post the rest later this weekend. Right now I am fixing a cruddy short story for my Fiction Class and writing a 4 page reaction to a monograph on 1700-1800 pirates and economics.

[thedoggirl]

Oct 8, 2014 17:22:06 GMT -5 Blu said:

Oct 8, 2014 16:58:59 GMT -5 thedoggirl said:

I REALLY like this new style, Blu. The old version was good, but it was almost too fast paced and didn't build up the suspense as much. The MC Kyrii is odd and I love that. It works excellent in this plot.

This is a rough draft, but I'd like to point out the tense inconsistencies with verbs. (I apologize if you already knew that.)
Overall, I look forward to seeing more.

Oh tense.. ya I found that when I read it over. I"m glad you like it. Its nice to get some positive feedback with the new style. I write better this way and I think that shows. Thank you for the help!! I'll post the rest later this weekend. Right now I am fixing a cruddy short story for my Fiction Class and writing a 4 page reaction to a monograph on 1700-1800 pirates and economics.

I could see how both present and past would work. It's up to your preference.
I'd be happy to look at the rest of your story when you have time to post.