Post by Carly on Aug 29, 2014 16:51:28 GMT -5
I've been working on this story for a while. Here's the beginning.
The story is going to be an allegory comparing the Secret Lab Ray zaps to an addiction. It would go over how Amber became a lab pet andhow she went from fearing the lab ray to enjoying it. It would end with her realizing that she'll be stuck without the ray for a while and becoming a little nervous.
Do you think this concept could get past the editor? If not, what would I need to change?
The moment the door swings open, I feel like something the Kadotie dragged in. Everything here is surreally clean. The green carpet floor is free of dirt or crumbs, and the paint on the walls doesn’t even have a scratch in it. The red bedclothes are smoothed out neatly, with every pillow placed just so. A large window makes every lamp in the room redundant. Even small things like the white flowers sitting in a frosted-glass vase bother me.
I suppose Darren thought he was doing me a service by leaving me here. He always tries to make sure I am well cared for. When I am sick, he buys me medicine. If I get bored, he’ll get me a really cool toy. Even when we lost all our money to Dr. Sloth and faerie quests, he took me around the world to make sure I was well-fed and healthy. It makes sense he’d have me stay in the most expensive NeoLodge. He wants the best for me.
I slip off my pink and blue backpack and drop it by the door. Since Darren’s not coming back for a while, I might as well make myself at home. I flip the bedclothes over, kick the pillows around the room. I dump the flowers out of their pretty little vases. I pull curtains over half the window. My changes make the room more comforting, but it’s still not perfect. I empty the contents of my bag onto the floor.
“There,” I mutter. “It’s perfect.”
A photograph catches my eye. It’s of Darren and a yellow Kougra, standing in front of our Brightvale home. Darren is holding up the Lab Map piece he found at our door. It is the final piece we needed to complete the lab map. The Kougra is smiling. It’s as if she doesn’t know were the map leads. She looks strangely familiar, like an old friend. Looking for some sort of reminder, I flip the photo over. There is a note in Darren’s handwriting, “7th Day of Storing, Y9. Darren & Amber.”
Amber... That Kougra is me! Well, she’s me from a long time ago. I looked much nicer then. Now, my purple fur never stays flat, and my fangs and red eyes scare people away. I could stay like this for a day, a week, or even a year. It was all up to the zap.
I remember the first time I went to the Secret Laboratory.
I suppose Darren thought he was doing me a service by leaving me here. He always tries to make sure I am well cared for. When I am sick, he buys me medicine. If I get bored, he’ll get me a really cool toy. Even when we lost all our money to Dr. Sloth and faerie quests, he took me around the world to make sure I was well-fed and healthy. It makes sense he’d have me stay in the most expensive NeoLodge. He wants the best for me.
I slip off my pink and blue backpack and drop it by the door. Since Darren’s not coming back for a while, I might as well make myself at home. I flip the bedclothes over, kick the pillows around the room. I dump the flowers out of their pretty little vases. I pull curtains over half the window. My changes make the room more comforting, but it’s still not perfect. I empty the contents of my bag onto the floor.
“There,” I mutter. “It’s perfect.”
A photograph catches my eye. It’s of Darren and a yellow Kougra, standing in front of our Brightvale home. Darren is holding up the Lab Map piece he found at our door. It is the final piece we needed to complete the lab map. The Kougra is smiling. It’s as if she doesn’t know were the map leads. She looks strangely familiar, like an old friend. Looking for some sort of reminder, I flip the photo over. There is a note in Darren’s handwriting, “7th Day of Storing, Y9. Darren & Amber.”
Amber... That Kougra is me! Well, she’s me from a long time ago. I looked much nicer then. Now, my purple fur never stays flat, and my fangs and red eyes scare people away. I could stay like this for a day, a week, or even a year. It was all up to the zap.
I remember the first time I went to the Secret Laboratory.
The story is going to be an allegory comparing the Secret Lab Ray zaps to an addiction. It would go over how Amber became a lab pet andhow she went from fearing the lab ray to enjoying it. It would end with her realizing that she'll be stuck without the ray for a while and becoming a little nervous.
Do you think this concept could get past the editor? If not, what would I need to change?
