Another look at these here comics

[Twillie]

**The updated version is farther down this page**

Alrighty, so back in January I believe, I requested volunteer beta readers for a comic arc that would restart my Blossoms series. It's near the end of summer now, and if you have kept up with the Neopian Gloat/Cry thread, you will know success with this arc has been low.
With three TMGE's under my belt now, I've decided to ask for some help again. Except this time, I'll just post all four comics right here to allow a potluck of comments from the community.
If you read the comics back in January, I must say that I changed the arc some, especially in the last two comics (completely different punch lines and new panels). So for now, I won't resubmit this arc and will just look for feedback.

So, no excuses, here is my comic arc.

*Please excuse me if the comics don't come out legibly, I may need to make edits after I post*
**Alrighty, the last three are attachments, and you'll have to zoom in on them after clicking them. Sorry XI**

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[Deleted]

Mmmmm... okay, I'm just going out on a limb here, and I may or may not be accurate, but it's possible that this comic keeps being rejected because it's very... humanocentric. The plot's all about Twillie, her conflicts, and her meeting another human character and conversing about things that have nothing to do with Neopia. Zathandria is the only thing in the comic tying it to Neopets and she's more of an accessory who makes snarky comments about Twillie's situation. If you took her out or turned her into a human character, there's nothing about the setting or dialogue that would suggest this even takes place in Neopia.

I'm not saying it's a poorly-done comic, and from what I remember you telling me about it earlier, there will be later stuff that ties it in to Neopia more closely, but I think Droplet prefers works that more overtly deal with either Neopia as a world or Neopets as a site. I've seen comics in the NT before that feature exclusively human characters, but they're always involved in something Neopets-related--talking about the Snowager or trying to get stuff from the Money Tree, etc. This particular arc of your comic looks and feels more "slice-of-real-life" than your previous entries.

[Coaster]

Haven't been able to look too intently at them yet, but judging by one of the Editorial responses last week regarding Art Gallery submissions, similar criteria might apply to comics, so full-spectrum coloring and shading might be one way to improve your chances without having to redraw everything (although given the work coloring takes it could be just as much work, rendering this suggestion unhelpful). From personal experience, I cringe looking at how bad the first couple Ventures comics were in terms of formatting and posing and pretty much everything, particularly compared to after the lighting upgrade later, and looking back I think the only reason they got in is because they tried to do something new with the 3D. So even if (worst-case scenario, doesn't apply here) the jokes were weak and the plot didn't make a lot of sense, making it obvious you put a lot of work into the art always helps a comic stand out. Inserting more humor also is another universal helper.

EDIT: Squid got to it before I posted, but I'll repeat below.

Content-wise, though, there are a couple things that apply in general that might be niggling points to the editor. Most noticeably, the arc seems quite human-centric; particularly in the third and fourth comic, Zathy's presence is basically unnecessary. Considering it's Neopia, 'pets are typically supposed to be the stars of the show, so you might want to keep that in mind. I think things could also get TMGE'd if it's unclear the story arc is heading in an acceptable direction--at this point, it looks a lot like it will have romantic elements, which are an obvious no-no in Neopia, especially for humans.


Looking a bit closer, at individual comics:

The first comic sets up the conflict well, uses appropriate amounts of humor, and has some nice back-and-forth between Twillie and Zathy, so I think that one stands great on its own. (If you really want to make edits, there's also plenty of panel space to add more lines, like something regarding "you're published... and you're sad about this?" to point out the irony.)

Second comic's also a good follow-up to the first one, though the pity party seems like it could get a little long if it goes on into the third one and isn't lampshaded. Again, a lot of empty panel space you could work with (for example, in the fourth panel, Twillie could have thoughts of the shrimpy little postal white Weewoo laughing hysterically--possibly exaggerated to ridiculous--that get popped by Zathy's suggestion of shopping) for some more action if you wanted; Zathy's face at the end explains a bit of her reaction, but some sort of verbal clue, even as simple as a "...", sarcastic "Gee, thanks.", and/or ear twitch (even if it's as hamtastic as actually having text saying "annoyed ear twitch"), could emphasize that it's not just the conversation being cut off.

By the third comic, the self-pity's starting to wear a little thin, but the action comes across really well. Mostly little stuff like how Zathy would have reasonably been in frame for the middle panels, unless she fell behind and caught up later, in which case a visual clue would be good to see. And, as mentioned above, it seems a bit human-centric, especially since the comic stops without Zathy getting to show much of a reaction. Overall, ending subject matter is kinda grim, too, which might not be the best for the NT.

Fourth comic picks it up a bit more by giving some hints that this mysterious guy will be important, and it's interesting to see the change in background for effect in the third and fourth subpanels. Again, though, the Neopet could use a bit more action other than just being there and having a short line at the end--if she's got an idea about this guy, more of a visual clue earlier on (such as, as cliche as it sounds, a thinking pose or a light bulb when she comes back into frame for the first time) would be appreciated by the viewer.

[Kristykimmy]

You know, I wonder if your problem isn't the human-centricness of this but the incompleteness. If you're only submitting these four comics, you're leaving it hanging on a spot that feels very incomplete, like there is supposed to be more to the story arc but it is missing. It doesn't feel like an intro into a new series, it feels like someone ripped out the last page of the story and left you hanging.

I'm also gonna say that unlike Coaster, I got no hint of the possibility of a romantic sub-plot, so I think that part is a matter of personal interpretation.

[Deleted]

^ That seems more likely. Droplet likes it when comic artists submit all of the parts of a multi-comic story at once, just like written series.

I completely forgot about that, haha. xD Talk about missing the forest for the trees.

[Twillie]

Thank you for all the feedback you've given me so far! :333

Hmm, Twillie’s character has worried me before from fear of adding too much human focus, especially when she’s in a rather small main cast.
I completely understand the need to connect the story to Neopia, but I also need to give my characters their own personal focus at times. I guess with my Neopet characters that won’t be a problem, but when my humans need to talk to each other, is there a right way to go about that?
Right now Twillie and Jonathon are just standing in Neopia, not acknowledging they’re actually there. Would more interaction, like Twillie and Zathandria looking around Faerieland, help? Or maybe Jonathon talks about the Faeries around town as he leads Twillie to the store? Unfortunately, this is not the last time the story gets “human-centric,” and that comes from me wanting the characters to develop off of each other. There are times where there are no humans at all, or it’s all mixed (better than in the last two comics here).

But, since the arc feels incomplete as it is, that brings another idea.

I formatted the whole story into multiple four-part mini-arcs, all leading off of each other to build the story.
The arc after this one follows immediately after, where they’re all in the store. It’s divided up by focus, with the first introducing Twillie’s conflict, and the second looking more into Jonathon. The second one also reveals Zathandria’s purpose for being in Faerieland, as she picks up her own sort of conflict, and Jonathon’s backstory connects heavily to Faerieland and site characters.
Would it be better if I completed that story arc too and submitted Distraction and it at the same time? They’d still have different titles, but TNT would better understand where the first one is headed.
Or, looking at a much broader picture, should I submit all the arcs planned out until my first break point?

I’ve never really considered artwork to be a hinging factor in getting published before. I’m sure it has a heavy influence, trust me, especially when looking at some of those pretty-yet-confusing-or-altogether-pointless comics. I don’t think shading will get me much anywhere though at this point. These comics specifically, I don’t think shadows will persuade the editor to publish them.
Also, though I admit laziness partially contributes to the lack of shading, getting the file size is always a problem with me. That third installment’s actually right at 199KB. I know plenty of artists fully color and shade their comics, but those typically have two or three panels. My comics average about five or six panels.
Regarding adding a full color spectrum, I’m sorry. The greyscale stays. It’s the style I chose, and I play with color a little at points, but I’m not changing that.

The backgrounds are actually pretty empty in the first two installments because those were made when I still hand drew it all on paper XD (the third installment’s first panel is paper, and everything after that is computer ;3). I promise they won’t be so empty in the future, but I should probably still consider filling them there too. As you said, more humor never hurts, and I should look for any opportunity to add it.

Do you think the “pity party” needs some toning down, like it’s overstaying its welcome? I mean, I can change the dialogue some, but I don’t know if you meant for it to be a big mistake or a smaller detail.
Also, I left Zathandria out of the panels because I thought it would be awkward to have her slightly in view. She doesn’t say anything (which might be the problem XP), and I try not to add extraneous detail.

That third installment’s punch line came when I didn’t like the original and replaced it with something slightly better. I felt a little sketchy about the subject matter, but I also remembered other comics have had actual beatings where the Neopets get into fist fights. Of course, though, ending on that kind of note is different, and the wording may make it nastier. Is “beating” too graphic a word?

Kristykimmy, I am very happy with what you said regarding romantic subplots. I hate to say it, though, but Coaster was actually right about a future relationship…
If I do it right, though, it should be just like you described it, up to personal interpretation! I’ve always believed that it’s how the author portrays a relationship rather than there just being a relationship that either sinks or floats the story. I’ve seen it as if there is the right amount of subtlety and humor added.
Other comics before have dealt with their characters having a crush, with that being the main focus of conflict at times.
Also, before that comes up as an issue, Twillie and Jonathon’s relationship never becomes the main focus of the story. Jonathon sticks around for much larger story and deeper motivation, and the two never kiss, go out on a date, or even hold hands or touch. It happens so that Twillie can be given more motivation, and it also kick starts the rest of the story.
Is romance between humans a bigger stickler though? Because… I really don’t know how to evade that (I guess I could avoid the subject as long as possible in the comic, but the word “like” isn’t even used between the two of them. They exchange maybe one look and a blush, and bam, the readers have to figure out from then what the two have).

[Coaster]

Twillie, sorry if I didn't come across this way, but I'd like to respond by saying that my comments were essentially trying to think of something because I don't know why a TMGE would be so stubborn. xD The comics are great, and as they stand, I doubt publication really depends on any of those things (unless the NT queen takes some aspect more seriously than I thought), but they could still be things to think about going forward, is all. Squid's probably right about the arc thing, though, come to think of it.

and yup, filesize is a massive issue for comics 8D; 200kb is too small for anything to be very long and detailed, alas.

Also, an official word might still be nice, so you could still send in a Neomail asking if there's any more specific reason for the repeated TMGE.

[Selm]

EDIT: I realize now that this is... an intimidatingly huge wall of text. <___<; Don't be scared, I'm just very rambly. 

I rarely submit to the NT, but I've been reading it for almost ten years. Enough to the point where I believe I have a solid understanding of what kind of material they look for, what to avoid, and how to tailor a story to fit the NT. I'm more knowledgable about other forms of storytelling than comics, but I've also written my fair share of non-neopets-related comics. This is also my only exposure to this comic arc, so I have absolutely no idea what the future arcs are like or what information they may contain. So with that said, feel free to take as much or as little of my advice into account as you feel is appropriate. There are certainly others on the forum who are more experienced and knowledgable in NT-related matters than me.

Any NT veterans can feel free to correct me on this, but from what I've observed, TNT doesn't like comics where features of the site are overshadowed by original human characters. The humans and owners depicted in comics are more meant to act as a resource for initiating storylines and exchanges that are central to the site and its features. That is to say, they are not meant to be the lone star or focus, and if they are, it's usually either for humorous effect happening alongside additional neopets-related events, or a means of plot initiation for further neopets-related events. You can develop your human characters within a story and give them attention, but it's less likely to be accepted if you do so in favour of any neopet-related features, which is what you've done with the comic; Twillie is the central focus throughout the entire comic arc, and in the last two comics in particular, the events are human-centric and their signficance neither in the Neopian World nor storywise is not (as of yet) clear.

Like you mentioned, I think the fact that Twillie and Jonathon are disconnected from the Neopian world in the last two comics is something that weakens the comic's chances of being accepted. Right now they could be in almost any other setting or even a blank room and the exchange would be more or less exactly the same, making their interaction feel detached and irrelevant to the surroundings. There's great potential to incorporate a Faerieland-related punchline during their interaction(not a joke intentionally delivered by either of the characters, but I was thinking more along the lines of a joke where the humour is drawn from the characters' confusion and awkwardness, which would be true to the characters' traits as well as draw attention and development to their relationship), which would strengthen the comic. I get that you want the characters to develop and so that requires human-centric sections of the comic, but that's not really the purpose of the NT. The comic section at its core is just simple Neopets-related entertainment(not to imply only funnies, because there are other forms of entertainment, like seeing interesting and dynamic relationships unfold between Neopian site characters, including owners). Right now none of the comic relies on anything Neopets-related. All the Neopian aspects could easily be removed or altered without the focus of the story or even the dialogue changing much. And that suggests the NT isn't the best place for it as it exists right now.

I'm not very educated about submission formatting, but I will say that story arcs, even continuous story arcs, should still follow a narrative arc with some kind of resolution and a clear theme relative to the arc itself. Without Twillie's reflection at the end of the fourth comic, I wouldn't know that Jonathon was going to be an important character, and even with her reclection, I don't understand why. Their exchange feels very drawn-out and unnecessarily awkward, and slightly confusing. I don't understand the elevated tension upon their meeting, or why he has his mouth covered. My first thought was that he recognized Twillie from her published story, and was holding in either 1) a laugh because Twillie's story was as awful as she said it was 2) an excited rambling fan speech about how much he loved her story, which would be the first of a sequence of events in the comic to eventually lead to Twillie having more confidence and faith in herself and her work. I think this was because in the first two comics, essentially the only focus was Twillie being upset and self-deprecating in a humorously exaggerated way due to her story having been published. (Unless I was right about why Jon recognized her and it just won't be brought up until later, but if so, I don't understand why it's necessary to hide the reason behind his recognition from the audience.) But then in the scene where Zathy is comforting Twillie in the chair, Zathy's dialogue feels very serious, which was a confusing contrast to the hyperbole, and at that point I wasn't sure whether Twillie's conflict was serious or comedic, because it switches very rapidly between both throughout the arc and doesn't feel fluid or complex.

After reading the third comic over a few more times, I think Jonathon recognized Twillie due to aspects of his character that are unrevealed in this arc. In which case, I miiight just have come to a slow realization, so I'll let you make the call on whether or not you feel that's something to take into account. Maybe in the scene where Jonathon is leering over her, you could change it so that his expression is showing recognition, and have him mumbling things like "Wait.. You're not... Are you...?" etc in small surrounding text (not a speech bubble, but like... you know, when a neopet's tail swings back and forth and the artist writes something like "swish" in the motion lines. <____< Not terribly up to date with you comic people and your hip comic lingo.) And then in the next panel it would be more clear why he reacted to their meeting in the way he did. Unless this is all completely off the mark, in which case I'm... very confused. >____>;

And then the line which ends that comic is very dark. It's self-deprecating, but not in a way which comes across as humorous out of hyperbole like in the first comic. I don't understand what provoked that comment and it doesn't strike me as comedic, maybe because it's so specific. I think something along the lines of "See? I can't do anything right!" would be more fitting, maybe with Twillie shown crying hysterically and Zathandria reluctantly/irritatedly comforting her with an off-hand side comment like "We just bought more tissues..."

The fourth comic kind of loses me. Their interaction becomes very serious and dramatic and human, and I don't understand the relevance of that. Also, strangers upon first meeting don't typically say things like that to each other, which makes it feel awkward and forced and uncomfortable. I don't know if you were trying to create chemistry between them, but that's not what I got from it personally. And after reading it over a few more times, I just registered the word "replace". Did Twillie lose her groceries when she bumped into Jonathon? Because you have her holding a bag of groceries when she runs into him and after that they just... disappear. And I didn't notice until now. So like... where did they... go? <____< Even something like splitting that panel into two side-by-side panels, one with the initial bump and the other showing the groceries being dropped, would help with comprehension. And... and how do they get cleaned up??! D: Actually that might provide more potential for a joke, depending on how the mess ends up getting taken care of if you decide to draw attention to it. You could also have Jon and Twillie clean up the mess together, which would allow an opportunity for them to introduce themselves to each other(and subsequently Jon to the audience) and speak under sliiightly less awkward circumstances than just standing around being misunderstood. You could also have Zathy waiting impatiently in the background/rolling her eyes/tapping her foot etc. in order to create a layer of humour where the relationship between Jon and Twillie is only taken seriously by the two themselves, allowing for development between them without the story allowing itself to be overtaken by it. That extra layer would also be helpful if you choose to keep the dialogue as dramatic and intimate as it now reads; it gives the reader a choice between interpreting it as serious or comedic, or a mixture of both, depending on what falls naturally to the reader.

I don't understand why he wants her to leave, or why the fact that he wants her to leave becomes an ordeal, or who the other people who "didn't want her around" were, unless I'm not supposed to understand because it's revealed later. But it just reads as if I'm missing the point. I also don't understand why in the middle panel he sighs as if he's resigning himself to something. Was he having some kind of internal struggle suggested by the panel of him appearing anxious and conflicted above? Where do those emotions come from? The phrasing of "are others not cool with you/do others not want you around" reads awkwardly and makes it sound as if it's referring to a specific event I have no knowledge of. "I don't make it easy to get comfortable around me" also feels very random and unprovoked, and awkwardly serious and intimate. I also don't understand what "this" refers to in "I don't think this is something you need to be concerned with", because there was no pre-established issue aside from the grocery thing. And a tiny detail is that the position of his pupils in that panel as he makes the beckoning motion makes it more difficult for the reader to come to the conclusion that it is a beckoning motion. If he was looking ahead and his head was positioned to be looking forward, it would be easier for the hand motion to register as a "let's go" kinda thing. But instead I just stared at his hand for an extended amount of time trying to figure out what it meant and also trying to pinpoint what was uncomfortable about his face. >____> The fact that you didn't draw his mouth behind his hand also makes it feel a bit off.

I also don't understand what "this" refers to in "this could be a good thing". What could be a good thing? Him helping her with new groceries? What does "we could get along" mean? They could get along for the ten minutes they spend awkwardly buying groceries together and then heading their separate ways forever? @____@ The only reason I know that Jonathon is going to stick around is because 1) story etiquette dictates that introducing characters by having them bump into each other means the character is going to be significant 2) the comic feels incomplete, so as a reader I assume it will be continued. But if it weren't for those two things, there's not really much to foreshadow Jon's future significance, or why their relationship is instantly so dramatic, emotional, and intimate. Was the ending trying to hint towards romance? If so, then I at least understand why it's so vaguely worded, because Neopian romance essentially needs to be subtle to the point of ambiguous in order to be acceptable. But you really have to be careful with romance, especially between two humans, because that could ultimately be what prevents the story from being accepted even if everything else is absolutely perfect. At this point, I think the ambiguity is hindering the comprehenion factor more than it is allowing for an interesting dynamic between Twillie and Jon which would be up to audience interpretation. I would abandon the romantic subplot altogether if it isn't necessary to the story or the characters' development. It's going to create a huge obstacle and not produce enough story elements to make up for it. You can still make it awkward and blushy, because that can suggest nonromantic emotions and relationships as well, but lines like "I think this could be good and we could really get along" should probably be removed or tweaked to be less vague. When I first read through the comic, I didn't interpret the relationship as romantic or having the potential of romance, but I also knew that having a young awkward female and a young awkward male in the same setting together immediately summons the image of romance in our society. So I thought part of the problem was that you unintentionally created elements that could be interpreted as potentially romantic when they weren't. But human romance really could absolutely ruin the comic's chances of being accepted, unless you managed to execute it precisely and perfectly, which is extremely difficult to achieve.

Just my initial thoughts and what I would do in your position, but of course it's your story and you know it better than anyone else. :3 And on a completely unrelated note, I absolutely adore Zathandria and her design and character. ♥____♥ !!

[Kristykimmy]

Okay, well, I missed my mark then. Mostly because I'm not one to immediately jump to 'let's ship them' because I'd rather see romantic love blossom out of platonic. That, and I've always found friends to be very inspiring when it comes to getting inspiration. *pokes all the MoaNTRs that were inspired by prompts from others* I'm gonna second (or third) the recommendation of having this guy be a friend in the traditional sense of the word rather than ruin your chances of getting in. Ambiguous romance is hard harder to pull off in comics as everything you do is a focal point. It's not like a story where you can bury it under dramatic chases, action scenes, and exploding spaceships.

Whatever you decide to do, I think you need another comic or two, maybe the grocery shopping and leave it at a point that feels final, maybe the end of the day, Twillie realizes she has a new friend, and that inspires her again?

I think Selm gave you a very good review actually on points within the comic that could use work to make it stronger overall.

[Twillie]

Selm, thank you very much for your in-depth commentary  I read it this morning and am still taking the time to think through it all, but here’s some of my thoughts and answers I can give right now.

At this point, nothing between Twillie and Jonathon is supposed to be romantic. In the fourth part, it’s not chemistry I tried to make, but a connection based on common problems. The gimmick is that they are both pathetic in a way, which I must also add is something I want the readers to laugh at, not be disturbed by. I guess though a lot of the dialogue between the two of them is more serious than humorous, which could lead to a lot of problems in terms of confusion and implied romance like you mentioned.

I might just cut the romance as suggested, just because I know that would be a constant fight. Overall, I should be able to adjust the story well enough for it to still make sense. The biggest loss would be a twist I would have put in later on, which honestly would be a bigger risk than any preceding romance.
All in all, I guess it’s not the biggest loss for me, but that will take time adjusting to. I know others may not have the same connection with my characters, especially Jonathon since he hasn’t been introduced, but it’s a strange feeling when your characters’ relationships suddenly disappear.

That fourth part, and much of the third, I tried fitting a lot in with a small amount of space.
Jonathon’s whole deal throughout this is that he’s incredibly shy. Like, cripplingly so. That’s why he covers his mouth, since he can’t talk to strangers and wants to avoid conversation with Twillie. That’s also why he has to contemplate asking her what she means in the fourth part.
The last part and their conversation are long also to introduce Jonathon, as well as establish that connection between him and Twillie (unromantically).
The fourth part is supposed to read that Twillie has had a bad day of ridicule, and she’s not willing to put up with another person blowing her off. Her comment as she leaves, however, catches Jonathon by surprise and concerns him, leading him to wonder what she’s talking about. However, because he has such a hard time with strangers, he doesn’t feel comfortable prompting her. After some internal struggle, he gives in and asks what’s wrong. When Twillie is talking about making people uncomfortable, she refers to her constant public humiliations, often related to her stories. When Jonathon hears that she too has issues with others, he thinks maybe he found someone that he could actually talk and relate to. Having connections around town (explained later), he offers to replace her groceries in an attempt to reach out to a temporary friend. When he does this, Twillie contemplates that maybe things might turn around for her now that someone is reaching out to her rather than mocking her. The joke though is that she finds Jonathon’s shyness more funny than relatable, causing her to mock him now.

As you said, the dialogue in that last part takes a rather serious or intimate turn, and that goes back to trying to make a connection between the two so as to justify him staying. I guess it would be forced, then, as you mentioned, because I don’t give much time for that to develop naturally. Looking also at the many questions you had, I can guess it reads really confusingly.
I wasn’t trying to be vague so as to cover up any romance, I just worded it awkwardly. I was trying to convey their thoughts without them outright saying, “Hey, I’m very broken.” “Really? Me too!” And like I said, I didn’t mean for it to be that deep or intimate. I guess fewer words should be exchanged between the two until they actually get to shopping.
I guess part of how to fix that would be to make some rewrites with their interactions. I like the idea of them picking up the groceries, as that could lead to better possibilities in terms of jokes and development. (Also, I just forgot to draw the grocery bag on the ground. I can’t believe I neglected such a vital character XD)

The fourth part’s problem also relates back to what you said about the human-centric focus, though. Even if I did rewrite the dialogue more naturally, it would still be two humans talking about their personal issues. I guess the suggestions about making references to where they are would help, but I feel like the character focus is the issue I need to work with the most.
I need to turn away from that road of the story not fitting in for Neopets, because I do not want to stick myself in a situation where someone has to tell me it has no business in the NT. I know there a plenty of fanfictions elsewhere on the Internet, a lot of them for Neopets, but I started this because I wanted to make a Neopets story. I want it to be for the site because I want to influence the Neopian community with something a bit different, something that will inspire users or have them look at NT comics in a different way. It would be a shame to just make something not meant for what you wanted to shape, and it would feel like a waste for me if I couldn’t get it right.

I honestly have no idea what you’re seeing in Jonathon that would be revealed later on X) Right now he doesn’t have any secrets or character twists. He’s just an awkward guy that lives in Faerieland.
When he sees Twillie, it’s actually supposed to be that he doesn’t recognize her. He thought she was someone he knew, but when he turned around, she turned out to be a complete stranger. Why he was so mad, that goes back to people being insensitive about his problems too. The person he had in mind isn’t naturally mean to him, they pick on him lightheartedly, but I guess he was just having a bad day as well.

The end of the third part came as a rewrite to an alternative ending. I guess it just needs a few more rewrites, and your suggestions sound a lot better X)

Kristykimmy, They actually do go shopping in the next arc! That makes me think that I should really submit those two together. Twillie learns more about Jonathon and why he is what he is, and they develop a better connection then. Does he inspire her with her stories? Well, that may be a problem Twillie has to take up with someone else later on…

It’s alright Coaster, don’t think I took your pointers as harsh or anything  I’m glad that you think that about my comics, and hopefully file size won’t be a huge roadblock in the future (have you seen these anomalies, though?)
I’ve been given a lot to think about from the other comments, and I hope with time I can fully grasp the criticism and figure out how to improve my comics.

[Selm]

Twillie, thanks for your response! It cleared up a lot of the confusion I had and I definitely feel more invested in the comic and its characters as a reader now that I have a better understanding of it. ^___^ I'm glad you found my extensive commentary helpful as well. I was trying to avoid being nitpicky while also mentioning everything that stood out to me from an outsider's perspective.

I think the issue with Jon and Twillie's shared commiseration is that their connection and emotional conflicts are established strictly through blunt spoken dialogue, which is what causes the feeling of the connection being forced and overly serious. As the artist you have a solid grasp of the logical connection between the character's thoughts and actions, but as a reader I don't know how the characters are processing their environment or what's going, and there's nothing to lead me to a clear conclusion, so I have to guess the reasons without inference clues. One way to address this would be to illustrate some of the character's thoughts to go alongside their actions. Not to detract from the focus or significance of the dialogue, but enough to help the reader better form an understanding and investment in the characters and their exchange. For example, when Twillie says "At least you were polite about it", you could utilize the scene's empty space(might be better to expand the area of the scene in which case) to illustrate a thought-bubble flashback or a series of such that would show Twillie's previous experiences with people being unkind to her. Right now, I don't really have a sense of what Twillie has endured, because it wasn't shown or even mentioned previously in the comic. When Jon said "W-wait, you're not--", I thought the rest of the sentence was something like "Wait, you're not Twillie, are you?" and not "Wait, you're not who I thought you were!", because I didn't realize that he mistook her for someone else initially. Your explanation of the comic makes complete sense to me and I can totally see how it applies, but the way the story is formatted now with a very non-subjective focus on the characters makes it difficult for the reader to come to that conclusion.

I totally understand the strangeness of having to revise your characters and their relationships in order for it to meet the standards of a submission, and I hope you're still able to stay true to the story you want to communicate without losing essential story elements. One thing to keep in mind is that while it may feel to you as if your story has had one of its layers removed, the readers will have had no prior knowledge of pre-existing story elements that were taken out in the final draft, so they won't be able to pick up on that(as long as you properly revise the story with the romance's removal, of course). The dialogue might not have sounded so deep and intimate at first because you have a deep understanding of your characters and their emotions and conflicts, but as a reader, I know nothing aside from what is shown to me in the comic, so this information is all very new to me and appearing at a rapid pace, faster than I can process, understand, and empathize with it. I do understand that you were trying to fit all of that in a small amount of space, though, so fewer dialogue until they get to know each other might be a better way to go, and also might make their connection develop more naturally, for both the two of them and the readership.

I think now that I have a better understanding of the comic, the problem isn't the human focus in and of itself, but the fact that it doesn't feel relatable to the audience. There's no clear message or theme yet, and I don't pick up on any hints of one in the future(even though I know there is :P). So I don't think you have to go out of your way to mention surroundings or Neopian objects or neopets-related punchlines unless it strengthens the story you have to communicate, as long as you can establish a connection with a specifically Neopian audience. One way to do this would be to make Twillie's emotional conflicts less specific to herself and the general human condition, and more specific to her as a Neopian artist, so that she could act as somewhat of a representative for the NT writers and artists and their personal struggles. I initially felt very detached from the comic and its characters because they were not in a position where I could understand or relate to them. So, see if you can find a way to connect the characters' struggles to the NT or general Neopian community, and then it will naturally be neopets-related anyway.

EDIT: Also I just realized Twillie has a double L. After an entire year of seeing you on the forum. I... have no idea how I missed that for so long. That's quite impressive. <___<;;;

[Twillie]

Thank you, Selm! I'm glad it makes sense now; the plot may not be completely lost to the readers after all! And this is a great reason why I asked for help, as I no longer know what the reader gets from the comics after looking at them for so long. X)

I think I tried at first to convey my characters' feelings in Twillie and Jonathon's exchange through dialogue to make it clearer to readers, as they would be speaking their mind outright. I think I melded that idea with the intentions of being subtle or natural at the same time, and it just didn't work out. I'll definitely cut down on dialogue, and maybe add visual clues at the same time.

Yeah, I think with time I'll get used to that change between the two of them, at least regarding the comics they will forever be meant to be in my mind. The story shouldn't be affected too much, if at all. The largest thing I need to change is why Jonathon doesn't just stick around in Faerieland forever after this (they weren't going to hook up that day though). The readers then thankfully shouldn't notice anything different, and I just hope at this point they still like Jonathon enough as a character to emphasize with him.
As for me, I can draw personal fan art of the two and write my own private stories for myself still live.

Relating to the audience is actually something I struggle with often. Usually I'm impatient and just want to tell the story straight up, and I don't think about what the readers might want to hold onto with the characters. I have thought about being relatable before, though, and I know Twillie's problem has the potential, but I definitely need to develop it better.
It makes complete sense to me what you mean by how the humans should have Neopian problems to better help connect, and that sounds like a better idea than just interjecting references to the setting.

Oh, I didn't even notice any misspellings of my name from you XD I guess that double L blends together so well that it's hard to tell. (I know I rhymed XP)

[Selm]

I'm sure the NTWF would always love to see your *uncensored* fanart and stories of the two if you'd like to share them. ^___^ And by uncensored I mean rated G instead of Ultra Mega G+++(aka Neopets-friendly). <___< But I wish you luck with the comic and I hope you're able to create something both you and TNT are satisfied with. :3

[Twillie]

Wait, you mean... holding hands? Or, or kissing? Oh, I can see you're into the saucy kind of stuff. *.*

And thank you so much for your help! And thanks to everyone else who took their time to give me advice!

[Twillie]

Eight months ago it appears, I began my plans of fleshing out my Neopets comic after showing it to this community. The updated comic was set to a personal completion goal of one or two months. So... what happened?
Summer ended and autumn burned through a couple months, and having not finished anything yet, I just decided I overestimated the creative process' efficiency. I set a new goal of before 2015.
Rinse and repeat. I did have most of the comics drawn a week into January, though. Incomplete parts always cropped up, though, and the ones I did have finished didn't feel all that good.
Only when I was stuck in a car for a week with nothing else to do did I think of revising again. It didn't matter if I had to start all over from scratch, I just wanted it done right. In two days, I wrote a new script, and over the next three days everything was drawn. Less than a week, and I fixed what I had struggled to finish for over half a year. 

Soo...

Whatever that means in terms of my skill or the comic's quality, I'm just glad I've made progress XD And I feel MUCH better about this script than any previous version.

So I suppose it's time to look at it again... again.
I know the NT is down right now with an uncertain future, but to be honest I can't actually say these comics are fit for the Neopian Times. I never said all the problems were fixed; personally I think it still turns human-centric sometimes, if not most times. I've worked with it as much as I can, but I cannot find a better way to ground it in Neopia more. I'm not necessarily looking for suggestions on how to do so, but I guess just when looking at my initial goal of making an NT comic, I probably failed. That could be sad in some perspectives, but I move on.
It's all on me since I made half the cast human.

With that said, though, I'd ask that, if you're going to give feedback, please don't put it to NT standards. This isn't something aimed for Droplet's approval, or any Neo staff's, as it's rather just a comic in its own right. It could be accepted, it could not, I have my doubts, but I'll find a home for it hopefully. I just want to know how it holds up as a story and character.

A few little notes:
-This isn't inked, it's mostly pencil lines, so I don't know how visible it is to others. I can see it fine, but I know what to look for, so please tell me if there's trouble in visibility.
-Some panels are inked and others fully colored, as I pulled pieces from the older versions too. The colored parts though are pretty funky looking, as I had nothing but Paint to work with, and it apparently didn't agree with the Photoshop colors.
-On that Paint note, the dialogue is also a bit crummy, so please let me know if anything isn't readable.
-I don't draw the human's irises on paper, so they don't have them here. I don't know if it's too distracting, but sorry if it creeps out or disturbs anyone X)

So, here we are:

Part 1

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These first two are the same as before. I didn't update their art partly out of nostalgia, partly out of laziness XP

Part 2

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Part 3

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Part 4


Part 5

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Part 6

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Part 7

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Part 8

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It continues to the next page, heh...