Post by downrightdude on Jul 27, 2014 3:02:34 GMT -5
I've written up a story for the Pet Spotlight, but unfortunately it keep getting rejected because it apparently has 'too many characters' or whatever the reason was. So I was hoping some people can overlook my story and help me 'trim' it? And then tell me how I can expand it?
Entry:
Also, all cookies can be places on the nearby clothed table, as Fred #4 shall take your coats.
P.S. Moo moo cock a doodle doo. Moo moo.
Entry:
Sparkles beamed brightly as she sat on her favourite rocking chair and opened her book. She took a sigh and divulged herself in a fantastic tale about a young princess who saved her kingdom from an evil sorcerer.
Ever since she could remember, Sparkles had always been a dreamer. She liked to not only imagine herself as a queen of a faraway land, but she also dreamed of seeing herself make some sort of a difference in Neopia.
Helping those who were less fortunate was something Sparkles had enjoyed, though her hectic schedule of Neoschool, ballet classes, and minding her neohome for her owner Snaw took a majority of her everyday life.
But regardless of what came her way; Sparkles would always find a way to spend some time alone, in the quaintness of her suburban neohome. Those times were some of her most favourite.
Sparkles was also responsible for taking care of her younger cousins Jhoud and Ani while their mother went out shopping. After finishing her book, she would peer down at the living room rug and watch the baby Aisha and baby Korbat play happily with their older cousin Cuddles, who liked to entertain and talk to the babies.
Suddenly Jhoud crawled over to Sparkles and raised her arms. “I’m hungry!” the baby Aisha bellowed. “And I wanna go uppie!”
“Okay,” Sparkles said with a bright smile. She scooped up her little cousin and carried her to the kitchen, where she grabbed a baby bottle from the refrigerator and handed it to the little baby Aisha that was squirming impatiently in her arms.
As soon as she grabbed the bottle, Jhoud drank happily and contently.
“Sparkles, can you get some graham crackers?” Cuddles cried from the living room. “Also, Ani wants something, too!”
After grabbing a second baby bottle and two graham crackers, Sparkles walked back into the living room to hand over the bottle to Ani, as well as the graham crackers to Cuddles. After setting Jhoud next to her sister, Sparkles sat back in her rocking chair, relieved that everyone was taken care of.
It was times like these that she let her maternal side show–by taking care of the babies and Cuddles, Sparkles felt like she was some sort of a young motherly figure, despite not having a mother of her own.
But she didn’t mind; all that mattered to her was taking care of those she cared about, as well as trying her best to make everyone happy. There was something about seeing those she care for smiled that made Sparkles felt warm inside. It was another moment she savoured gratefully.
While the three happy pets played, Sparkles opened her book and continued to read, and fantasize, about a fictional princess she wished she could meet in real life. Could they be the best of friends? Sparkles hoped so, as she loved to make new friends.
***
After a hectic day of housework, spending time with friends, babysitting, reading, and avoiding any of Scary’s devilish pranks, Sparkles sat at the pink table in her bedroom and began to read over the newest short story Snaw had written.
Unfortunately her owner wasn’t very good at spelling, grammar or avoiding the urge to doodle, so Sparkles usually found herself editing and re-writing the story until she felt too tired to continue.
Reading the newest [Usuki Singing Star] story, however, was something Sparkles always looked forward to. She didn’t mind being one of the four main characters, but she also couldn’t feel proud that she was one of the creators of this semi-popular series of short stories and series.
She also felt responsible for helping in formatting each story by editing each one, as if her name were on them and everybody would be reading her stories, not Snaw’s.
But reading Snaw’s eccentric stories gave Sparkles her own story ideas, a private goal to make it in the Neopian Times with her own work. Would other Neopians read her stories? Would they remember the name ‘Sparklescookiefrits’?
As the sound of Snaw’s laughing echoed through the upstairs hallway, Sparkles grabbed her sparkly pink pen and began to edit the newest short story.
There was something about editing a story in the late hours of the day that gave her a very peaceful, feeling from within.
This was, like other times, one of those daily moments Sparkles savoured and felt the most happiest…and important.
Ever since she could remember, Sparkles had always been a dreamer. She liked to not only imagine herself as a queen of a faraway land, but she also dreamed of seeing herself make some sort of a difference in Neopia.
Helping those who were less fortunate was something Sparkles had enjoyed, though her hectic schedule of Neoschool, ballet classes, and minding her neohome for her owner Snaw took a majority of her everyday life.
But regardless of what came her way; Sparkles would always find a way to spend some time alone, in the quaintness of her suburban neohome. Those times were some of her most favourite.
Sparkles was also responsible for taking care of her younger cousins Jhoud and Ani while their mother went out shopping. After finishing her book, she would peer down at the living room rug and watch the baby Aisha and baby Korbat play happily with their older cousin Cuddles, who liked to entertain and talk to the babies.
Suddenly Jhoud crawled over to Sparkles and raised her arms. “I’m hungry!” the baby Aisha bellowed. “And I wanna go uppie!”
“Okay,” Sparkles said with a bright smile. She scooped up her little cousin and carried her to the kitchen, where she grabbed a baby bottle from the refrigerator and handed it to the little baby Aisha that was squirming impatiently in her arms.
As soon as she grabbed the bottle, Jhoud drank happily and contently.
“Sparkles, can you get some graham crackers?” Cuddles cried from the living room. “Also, Ani wants something, too!”
After grabbing a second baby bottle and two graham crackers, Sparkles walked back into the living room to hand over the bottle to Ani, as well as the graham crackers to Cuddles. After setting Jhoud next to her sister, Sparkles sat back in her rocking chair, relieved that everyone was taken care of.
It was times like these that she let her maternal side show–by taking care of the babies and Cuddles, Sparkles felt like she was some sort of a young motherly figure, despite not having a mother of her own.
But she didn’t mind; all that mattered to her was taking care of those she cared about, as well as trying her best to make everyone happy. There was something about seeing those she care for smiled that made Sparkles felt warm inside. It was another moment she savoured gratefully.
While the three happy pets played, Sparkles opened her book and continued to read, and fantasize, about a fictional princess she wished she could meet in real life. Could they be the best of friends? Sparkles hoped so, as she loved to make new friends.
***
After a hectic day of housework, spending time with friends, babysitting, reading, and avoiding any of Scary’s devilish pranks, Sparkles sat at the pink table in her bedroom and began to read over the newest short story Snaw had written.
Unfortunately her owner wasn’t very good at spelling, grammar or avoiding the urge to doodle, so Sparkles usually found herself editing and re-writing the story until she felt too tired to continue.
Reading the newest [Usuki Singing Star] story, however, was something Sparkles always looked forward to. She didn’t mind being one of the four main characters, but she also couldn’t feel proud that she was one of the creators of this semi-popular series of short stories and series.
She also felt responsible for helping in formatting each story by editing each one, as if her name were on them and everybody would be reading her stories, not Snaw’s.
But reading Snaw’s eccentric stories gave Sparkles her own story ideas, a private goal to make it in the Neopian Times with her own work. Would other Neopians read her stories? Would they remember the name ‘Sparklescookiefrits’?
As the sound of Snaw’s laughing echoed through the upstairs hallway, Sparkles grabbed her sparkly pink pen and began to edit the newest short story.
There was something about editing a story in the late hours of the day that gave her a very peaceful, feeling from within.
This was, like other times, one of those daily moments Sparkles savoured and felt the most happiest…and important.
Also, all cookies can be places on the nearby clothed table, as Fred #4 shall take your coats.
P.S. Moo moo cock a doodle doo. Moo moo.