Please review this new story, thanks!

[Deleted]

I have taken everyone's concrit on board and wrote a new story, with an easier plot line and have tried to improve on my writing at the same time as well. I would like to know if I could submit this story as it is or if it still needs some adjusting. Thank you!

SPOILER: Click to show

Two pets were playing Beach Volleyball, their feet skipping over the golden sands of Mystery Island’s south beach. A few spectators watched, laughing and cheering. One of the pets, a Cloud Ixi, hit the ball with her hooves but lost her balance. She tumbled head first into the sand.

In another part of the island, a boat that was full of excited pets entered into the sea ready to see the tropical sights and mysteries of the island. A young Kyrii held his mother’s hand with a massive smile on his face, as the boy’s father looked out at the tropical sea.

Traders and shoppers browsed the Trading Post, some pets coming out with handfuls of items and others leaving empty handed. The sound of haggling pets and jingling sacks of NeoPoints went through the bustling area. It was the most chaotic part of Mystery Island.

In the Island Mystic’s hut, the old Kyrii was alone and muttering to himself about bad omens, doom and destruction. He stood up and walked to the door. He looked outside, watching the pets wonder across the island with not a care in the world. Oh, if only they knew what he knew. If only he could prevent what was about to happen. Most people didn’t even believe him anyway. They just thought it was a bit of harmless fun. He paced back and forth, and then sat in his chair and put his head in his hands.

Over at Techo Mountain, two daring travellers, donned in full explorer uniforms, stood side by side, peering up at the mountain, which was also a dormant volcano.

“So this is Techo Mountain, huh?” Rico said to his companion, Jax.

“It’s smaller than I expected,” Jax replied. “I mean, I was expecting a day’s climb, at least. This will probably take an hour to climb, if that.”

“So what do you want to do?”

“Well we’re here now. Might as well climb it.”

They equipped themselves with climbing gear but didn’t need any of it in the end because there were steps leading up to the peak. The steps were more treacherous than first thought. Some were crumbling and others were steep. Some were loose. Jax lost his footing half way up but thought it was hilarious. Rico was not happy though. It was a long way down to the bottom, even if Techo Mountain wasn’t as high as others they had climbed.

“Jax!” yelled Rico, struggling for breath. “You’re going too fast! Slow down!”

“No I’m not!” called Jax. “You’re going too slow! Learn to keep up!”

They were always bickering with each other but Rico knew that their friendship was strong and that they’d never fall out. Anyway, that’s what friends did. No one said that friends couldn’t squabble.

Rico and Jax eventually reached the peak. As Rico looked down at the island he realised that Techo Mountain was not nearly as small as he thought it was. His stomach did cartwheels and his chest felt heavy as he breathed in the mountain air. Even though it was a volcano, he expected it to be cooler up here because the volcano was dormant.

Or was it? There was a deep rumbling noise coming from within the mountain, as well as a hissing noise that sounded like gas escaping.
“I think Techo Mountain’s going to erupt!” yelled Rico.

“Don’t be silly!” replied Jax. “It’s dormant. It can’t erupt anymore.”

“Yes it can!” replied Rico.

Suddenly, some lava exploded out of the top of the volcano. Jax screamed and started scrambling down the steps towards Rico.

“What do we do?” he cried.

“We try to stop it of course!”

“How?”

“I don’t know!” Rico wailed desperately. “Maybe we should go up there and check it out.”

“Are you SERIOUS?” roared Jax, his eyes almost popping out of his head in shock.

“I’m serious, Jax!” replied Rico, folding his arms across himself.

“Well you can go without me then because I’m NOT going up there when a volcano’s about to erupt!”

“Fine! I’ll do this on my own.”

“Okay! Are you going to be all right?”

“Yes. Now go!”

The two explorers parted ways. Rico watched as Jax hopped down the steps and then disappeared round a corner, and then gulped and headed into the pit of the volcano. What he saw inside shocked him. It was what he’d least expected.

A Fire Faerie was sitting on a ledge below him, her fiery hair billowing outwards. She seemed to be sobbing uncontrollably.

“Hello?” Rico asked timidly. “Are you okay?”

The Fire Faerie gasped and looked up. Her face was sodden with tears. Rico could see tear tracks running down her cheeks.

“You can’t be here! Please leave! It’s for your own safety!”

“Are you the cause of this volcano activity?”

The Faerie suddenly seemed shocked. Her eyes widened suddenly and her mouth gaped open.

“What? I didn’t mean… I… I didn’t know! I’m so sorry! I make a mess everywhere I go. That’s why I was banished from Faerieland…”

“They banished you from Faerieland? But why?”

“Because I can’t control my powers. That’s why I came here to the top of Techo Mountain, where it’s safe for me. I only fly down to the island at night to gather food and supplies. Then I come back here to sleep. But even that is wrong. I’ll end up demolishing this whole island! What am I going to do?”

Rico was in turmoil. He knew the cause at least, but what could he do? A powerful Fire Faerie, too powerful for her own good, was forced to come here because she thought it was safe. Now the whole of Mystery Island could be engulfed in lava.

He suddenly had an idea. He knew the perfect place for her, a place where it didn’t matter if her powers got out of control. Moltara. They would surely welcome her with open arms there. But first, he had to get her down from this mountain.

“What’s your name?” he asked.

“Farrah,” she replied, timidly.

“Okay, Farrah. I have a plan. Have you ever heard of a place called Moltara?”

She shook her head.

“It sounds like a hot place.”

“It’s very hot,” Rico said. “It would suit you very much. I’m sure the residents would love it if a Faerie came to live with them. What do you think?”

“I think it sounds like a great idea. But… how do I get there?”

Rico told her, in great detail, how to get to the subterranean village so that she wouldn’t get lost on the way. Moltara sure beat living in a volcano, eventually causing it to erupt and destroying Mystery Island in the process.

“Thank you so much for doing this,” Farrah said. “You not only saved me, but an entire island too. You’re a hero.”

“Well I wouldn’t go that far,” Rico replied, blushing.

“It’s true. You are.”

Rico watched Farrah as she flew up out of the volcano. In the air, she turned around and gave him one last smile before disappearing into the clear blue skies. He watched the lava in the volcano fizzle away and listened as the rumbles and hissing noises grew quieter and then headed down the steps and back to Mystery Island, the island that he had just saved.

The End

[Deleted]

You have a good foundation to build upon, but I do think you could work on a few things.

SPOILER: Click to show

I think the exposition you open with is a little much. Instead of depicting three separate scenes in the first three paragraphs, perhaps you could condense that into one paragraph just to give the reader an overall feel for what Mystery Island is like. The scenes you want to dedicate more attention to would be ones that focus on your main characters or are significant to the plot.

Kind of going off of that, I think you could add more conflict and/or a bigger plot twist. The way the story is now, the plot excels almost too smoothly from going to point a to point b to c, etc. The way Rico instantly thinks of Moltara and saves Mystery Island by giving the faerie directions felt a little anticlimactic. It would be more engaging to see him struggle and fail to find a solution before he is finally able to succeed.

Jax leaving him does add some conflict, but I think you could explore that even more and revisit it to provide resolution. Maybe Rico is furious that Jax abandoned him, but in a surprise twist, Jax ends up being the one that helps Rico save the day and their friendship becomes even stronger- something like that.

With that said, I like how succinct your writing style is. It's very much to the point. Overall I would just work on keeping your story focused, cutting out passages that have little impact on the story and expanding more on the ones that are vital.

Also a small thing, I don't think you gave the two climbers in the story species/colors. From what I understand (someone please correct me if I'm wrong) you usually have to identify those about your main characters at least once within the story when submitting for the Neopian Times. Not a big deal, just something to keep in mind.

[Deleted]

Thank you for your input! I'm glad that my writing and grammar is okay. I will try and build on the plot a bit more

[Twillie]

Here are some tips and details I noticed, hopefully it's not a rehash of the earlier review.

SPOILER: Click to show

The introduction to the story, like said earlier, probably should be condensed into one paragraph. A little arrangement tip, some subtle hints about the volcano before mentioning the island mystic could signal tension much earlier, and the eruption later on won't seem so sporadic.

Also, with the beginning, since I can tell you definitely want to establish the setting through visual and sensual details, it might help to just imagine the mood you're trying to convey beforehand. Mood is one of the most essential elements in world building and atmosphere, so just sit back and imagine what comes to mind when you think "carefree" or "laid back." Then, from those images, descriptive adjectives and active verbs will help create it, rather than specific details about a cloud Ixi or Kyrii family.

Going with earlier mentions of the volcano, you're story development could benefit with more layers. Right now the story reads as just a chain of events linking to one another. Suspense could increase if the volcano is given more detail, perhaps saying how it has been dormant for so long but locals have noticed strange behavior around it, or perhaps the characters could be more relatable if their motivations are further explored before they have to face the volcano. All this can be gained from finer focus in the right areas.

Two of the biggest things I think could be better focused on are Jax's motivation for jumping into the volcano and Rico's role. Usually hopping into lava isn't the first thing someone would do if they wanted to stop an eruption, and also his idea of stopping the volcano altogether feels a bit forced. Two hikers might be more intent on getting off the mountain and warning others before fighting nature head on, since they don't know that it's a situation they actually can solve (since it's a Faerie, not nature). A logical path should be followed before they come to these ideas.

With Rico, after the volcano erupts, he really doesn't have a part in the situation. He runs away and never comes back, leaving Jax to do all the dirty work. Earlier when they were both hiking, the narration said that the two friends squabbled often, so perhaps they could do just that in the midst of the climax while both are in the volcano. If enough time is spent on giving the hero a companion, then that character should also have a hand in solving the conflict.

Other places could use less focus, like the island mystic could have less face time. Perhaps just a sentence or two telling about him fearing some doom, because if he gets a whole paragraph to himself, readers may think he'll return later on.

Also, I would suggest giving the mystic less face time. Perhaps just a sentence or two saying how he senses an oncoming doom, just so the readers don't expect him to return later on.

I have to say I like the ending's concept, as it wraps up the story in the limited time it has while still being cute and satisfying. I agree though that it sort of comes out of nowhere, so better development in the character's thoughts and emotions could bring that solution to a more believable conclusion. Perhaps not even have Jax find the Faerie at first, maybe he has to fight through the volcano?

Overall, I think what this story needs the most is some fine tuning on where the focus is and some more character development. That just requires a few more lookovers and adjustments in the draft, though, so I think you can make a solid story out of this

[Deleted]

Thank you for the concrit, Twillie!