Frist short story for NT-help and CC appercated

[kinzdor]

 This is ment to be the unofficial start of a series of short stories like what Kristiekimmy does. It`s Aladtor Cup themed of course, and this is only the first part so far. Looking over it I`m not sure whether I should finish it and submit or scrap it and try something new. So share you`re thoughts on it and how I could improve it and etc.

The Lenny, the writer, and the Ro: Roadies and trumpets

The small and fancy villas along the docks of Altador, while silents and statue like most of the year, were bustling centers of activity as the famed Altador cup rolled around. Reporters, tourist. roadies and players alike came to stay in the villies. For team members they were nice places to rest after the large draing days. For tourists and reporters they were a chance to see and bombard the players and other stars. As for the roadies, well they were just happy they got a villie, one roadie had to sleep on the garbage barge. Speaking of roadies, the roadies for the Dragian Citadel team was a red lenny named Theadoren. He was sitting on the extra fluffy bed in the 3rd room of a cheapish (though cheap for these villas were still rather swanky) company paid for villa. Now as a roadie he would normally stay in the villia with the team as his family found their own housing. Family that is why he was here, his sister NaliNaliNalinA a pink Blomaro they had adopted a few years back, she was why he was here. Similar to how he studied under the Lenny Archivist and the keeper of the Magic Marvels shop, she studied under the philharmonic. More precisely there conductor. Where as he could write, read almost all of the known languages, make potions, and cast spells she could play the violin, the trumpet,the drums, the saxaphone, sing, dance, and play the clarinet. She was also being taught the cello. She was in front of him a trumpet in her mouth, and a Aldatorin body drum strapped to her being pounded by her tail. She was practicing, she had been chosen to do the instrumental for the ancient aladtorin hymn which was a grand part of the games.. She finished and looked at him asking what he thought. “Utter rubish, made my ears bleed.” He replied staring out the window, down towards the docks.. She was hurt, she really did value his opoins, but no matter she knew what had to be done.


Slam! Thedoren was now outside the room staring at the wooden door which had just been slammed in his face. Through the thin walls of the villa he could hear her majestic music as she practiced with all the passion one could muster. He smirked, she was going to do just fine. She wasn`t as sure as her brother was though, especially not after the way he had flustred her. She wasn`t even sure why the conductor had vouched for her. I mean she apertceid it and she felt honored, but he wasn`t even the one that had taught her trumpet. She had studied on Ro Island where the focus was on Jazz type music, he just paid for the lessons. This hymn though was as old as the city itself. In the olden times of the cup it was played before each and every match. Though when the cup was brought back that was cut out due to the time it took. Now a days the classic version opened and closed the games, and a more modern one was performed at some point in the middle. The main differences were the classic involved three horns, a grand hero singing it, and two hummers, to well hum. The modern involved body drums, trumpets, and a famous singer doing the vocals. It was still very classical and very valued if she so much as slipped up once it would be the end of her whole career. She couldn`t, no she wouldn`t let herself do that to her family. The money that her owner didn`t have that he had put up to support her, the money that her brother had earned so hard being the Citadels janitor that he gave to her to replace her instruments, and the faith the conductor had in her she could not let them down! It would destroy them! She ruffled through her sheet music she needed to “Take a break!” Huh, she whirled around, a frizzy white hairded owner wearing a straw hat and a times press pass was standing in her doorway. She must have not heard him open the door. “Sorry dad I need ot work on……” Before she could finish she was being pulled down to the bazar around the coliseum to get some Krawk Island famous sea salt taffy.
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[Bianca <3]

I like the idea, but I don't really know where the story is going right now. As long as you have a full plot figured out, I think it could work.

There a few things that make the piece a bit hard to read and could use some improvement. The first is that there are several spelling and grammar errors throughout, such as "draing" or using the wrong form of "their." Make sure to use spell check, and manually check for mistakes as well. If you have trouble finding them, a good friend can help, or even someone on this site.

Next, you will want to split up these large paragraphs into much smaller ones, since large blocks of texts can be intimidating to readers. For example, I think you should start a new paragraph when you say "Speaking of roadies, the roadie for the Darigan Citadel team was..." (You should also define "roadie" though since I'm a bit unsure of a what a roadie for the Altador Cup does.)

Whenever a new character speaks, there should also be a new paragraph, so the end should look something like this:

She ruffled through her music. She needed to...

"Take a break!"

Huh? She whirled around and saw a frizzy white-haired owner in the doorway wearing a Times press pass. She had not heard him open the door.

"Sorry, Dad," she apologized, "but I need to work on..." But before she could finish, she was being pulled down to the bazar around the coliseum to get some Krawk Island famous sea salt taffy.

One other thing that I found a little confusing is that you jump between character's thoughts very quickly. In the second paragraph, you start off with Thedoran staring outside the door, but then jump to Nali's thoughts inside, which can be a bit jarring and confusing. As a reader, I didn't know whether I should be focusing on Thedoran or Nali at that point. I would suggest maybe sending Thed off before jumping into her thoughts, and then starting a new paragraph. For example, you could do something like this:

Slam! Thedoren was now outside the room staring at the wooden door which had just been slammed in his face. Through the thin walls of the villa he could hear Lali's majestic music as she practiced with all the passion one could muster. He smirked, walking away from the villa. She was going to do just fine.

But Lali was not as sure as her brother....

Finally, watch out for info-dumping. You have a lot of background in the beginning of this piece, which is something else that can scare a reader away. You have some lovely details, which can add some nice flavor to the scene, but make sure you don't have them all at once, or get rid of some of them. For example, I don't think you need to get into too much detail about the differences between the classical version of the song and the modern version.

Anyway, I hope this helped, and doesn't seem too overwhelming! I think this could turn into a great piece for the times.