The Quest for my true Identity.

[Lord Hayati]

Has anyone listened to supertramp? if so, you may have heard "the logical song". Its mainly about the loss of identity, and such.

... Which I've suffered from since my middle school years.

... Ever since I played neo. I basically used Neo to build an Identity so I wouldn't be hurt, be harmed, or be broken, regardless. It helped, but the pain in RL still hurt.

in the mean time, off Neo and off NTWF, there was this forumer who I shall name. He was a kind person at first, although he rarely chatted with me. Figured, I mainly kept to myself. At this point, I had taken the identity of Hayati, as you all might have seen and known.

I always kept the Hayati Identity hidden from RL, and still do. But I always kept my RL identity hidden from the internet, too. I just didn't want to hurt myself.

Well, flash foward to like two years ago. Somehow, I had somehow found That person from the forum again, who was now an artist. She had left that forum long ago. anyways, we became great friends, although she was greatly concerned about me.

Time and time again, she'd ask who I am, and time and time again, I rejected. I just didn't want to reveal myself. She felt betrayed in trust, but kept on pressing.

And today, she got through, as I told her my real name. I had already told her my former stories, of how I was bullied and such, and I was alright with saying them. but I was always in a shell when it came to my name. And when I told her my name... She trusted me. I knew we were great friends, but I never knew it, because I had no idea who I was.

Until now. Although I won't reveal my real name here... I may do it one of these days. but I now know who I am. I am myself, and Hayati, and Thats alright. I am not broken husk of a body, although it may seem and feel like it.

And I feel happy.

[Selm]

The struggle to discover and feel secure in one's own identity is very trying and something that has also been a recurring theme of my own life for many years. I believe it is something that everyone faces in some way during their lives.

I am all too familiar with the idea of using the internet as a platform for constructing a second identity to seek refuge in when reality becomes painful. I did that too, and I ended up losing myself completely, to put it vaguely. It was not a pleasant period of my life and years later I am still dealing with the repercussions on a day-to-day basis and trying not to think myself a "broken husk of a body", as you put it.

Names do have power, but ultimately they are a small piece used to represent the whole. It's very inspiring to see you confident in your own identity, particularly after reading of the struggles you've shared with the NTWF over the course of many years. You've come a very long way. I'm happy for you and I'm also here if you ever want to talk. :)

[Lord Hayati]

yeah, trying to find yourself after years of depression is hard.

[Lord Hayati]

Today, I had a self-chat with my younger self. I have no idea, but somehow, I did. Maybe being slightly insane helped with it. ^^;
You forget a lot of things growing up. You forget the good things, the bad things, and the silly things.

But they're still there. You mentally forget the losses in your life, you forget the hells you go through, along with their lulls.

anyways, I relearned a lot of things about myself, and to be honest, I kinda needed it. Sure, its bad to dwell in the past, but its worse to dwell on the depressing things. We mainly talked about what could've gone better, and the things we did. There are still things that I hide from everyone, but those will be eventually revealed in due time. I learned that I never really was social outside, except for school, due to the fact I was almost always picked on and taken advantaged of.

But I know better now, and I've learned. I've also learned that although my Internet friendships aren't real life, they're a darn good substitute for the real life analogue. sure, Internet can't get you some things, but it helped.

Overall, It was a good mental chat. I cried a little, but its alright. I'm stronger now, and more mentally stable, which is probably for the best.

[Selm]

I'm glad that you're feeling more stable now and were able to come to a point of acceptance. It's not good to dwell on the past, but you can always try to learn from it. Self-reflection can be very helpful. I hope you can continue to make progress and learn more about yourself :)