The N Files

[Tdyans]

This is not really a "work in progress" in the sense that I don't really have any intentions (at this juncture) to write any more on it-- because a parody of the X-Files has already appeared in the NT (the Ixi Files comic), they're trying to phase out parodies anyway, and I've got more than enough on my "to write" list as it is. Still, being the X-phile that I am, this idea has been floating around in my head for a while now and today these few parts got to the point where I felt I had to write them down. So, I did, just for fun, and it felt good to get something written at least, so I thought I'd share it, just for fun, and see if you guys think I have any funny bone at all.

P.S. None of the jokes are meant to be mean-spirited, so I hope no one takes them that way-- it's all in jest and maybe one or two in an attempt to let off some frustration in a semi-creative way.

[Tdyans]

The N Files

When his owner called him from the kitchen, Lupe Muldoon opened his eyes and promptly fell off the edge of the couch and onto the floor. As he picked himself up off of the ground and glared at the couch blearily, he wondered just when his owner was going to finally get around to buying him a real bed. Probably when he got over his insomneo and made the investment worthwhile, he answered himself. Oh well, with his luck his owner’s bed of choice would be a water bed and that could only lead to more trouble.

Lupe strolled into the kitchen, clothes-less and on all fours, doing his best to look just like any other cutesy-wutesy Neopet. As always, his owner bought it, hook, line and sinker. He smiled at Lupe over the latest issue of the Neopian Times that he sat reading at the kitchen table. “Morning, Lupe!” he said in his cheerful, oblivious way. “Breakfast’s ready!”

Lupe climbed awkwardly up into his chair and sniffed disdainfully at the congealed carrot and pea omelette on his plate. He ignored the food and instead stared at the back of his owner’s paper, checking to see if there were any “interesting” stories—perhaps a new case…

“You okay, Lupe?” Lupe looked up quickly as his owner peered around the paper at him. He plastered the blankest look that he could think of on his face. “Isn’t your breakfast good?”

Oh good, his owner hadn’t noticed him reading. Hesitantly, he stuck his face into the omelette and took one carrot and pea filled bite. As he swirled the food around in his mouth, he tried to smile and mumbled, “Mmmm, mmhmm, delicious.” His owner smiled and returned to the paper.

Lupe quickly spit out the nasty green and orange mush and while his owner was still distracted, he scooped the whole plateful into the trash bin. Then he grabbed a bag of sunflower seeds from his secret stash under the sink and began to make his way out of the kitchen. “So,” his owner startled him again, and Lupe quickly dropped the bag of sunflower seeds from his mouth and hit it behind one paw. “What are you going to do today, Lupe?”

Lupe chuckled nervously. “Oh, heh, well, you know—same as usual. Maybe bury a few bones, play a little Poogle Solitaire…”

His owner shook his head with a smile. “Oh you Neopets. I never know how you can all stand to have such monotonous lives.”

Lupe grinned a little slyly, struggling to restrain himself. “Oh, it’s not all so monotonous as you might think…”

His owner just chuckled at him. “Well, that’s good. You go on and have fun.” He waved dismissively.

Lupe growled a little under his breath as he shuffled back out into the living room. “Monotonous, ha!” Just before he reached the front door, he looked over his shoulder to make sure his owner hadn’t followed and then ducked quickly into the coat closet. There, he rose up on his hind feet, picked out and put on one of the nice dark suits he had stashed in the back of the closet, and stuck his sunflower seeds into the pocket. He stuck his head out the closet door, making sure the room was still empty, and then he zipped out and flew through the front door and outside, on his way to work.

You see, Lupe, like a select few other pets, was a member of the NBI. Yes, the Neopian Bureau of Investigation. Of course, members of the NBI could not let their owners in on their little secret. Oh, you know how owners are—they’d brag about their little NBI agent on the chat boards, plaster classified information all over their pets’ pages and then submit them to the site spotlight… and then someone would probably go and write a story in the NT about them. And we all know what kind of trouble that would lead to… So, it was generally agreed that those silly humans just couldn’t be trusted with this kind of thing.

While most NBI agents wasted their time trying to catch Frank Sloth, investigating Krawk Island smugglers, and the like, Lupe Muldoon’s job was truly important. He was in charge of a small division of the NBI known as: The N Files. It was his duty to explore all of Neopia’s unexplained phenomena: ghosts, aliens—er, grundos—asparagus-eating mutants, why male Neopets sometimes asked their owners to buy them things from the grooming parlor… Normally, Lupe loved his job. Unfortunately, today he knew he was being assigned a new partner—again. He really wished that the bureau would stop giving him new partners—each one ran off screaming, well, except for that one who had that unfortunate run-in with what Lupe still insisted was a snow monster and his higher-ups claimed was just an out-of-control poogle racer. But it had been generally agreed that leaving Lupe to his own devices was not a wise decision.


Lupe’s new partner, an orange wocky named Donna Scooly, after receiving her assignment from Section Chief Boochi and the sinister Gum-Chewing Ixi, has now made her way into Lupe’s office and the two are getting to know each other.


“So, what should I call you, Agent Muldoon?”

“Muldoon is fine.”

“Oh, come on, we’re going to be working together—let’s not be so impersonal. What’s your first name?”

Lupe frowned and sighed. “Lupe.”

Scooly frowned back. This guy was supposed to be a brilliant profiler? “No, not your species,” she said slowly. “I asked what your name is.”

Lupe gritted out, “It’s Lupe.”

“N—oh… your name is… Lupe?” He nodded, shoving his paws into his pockets and scowling as Scooly began to chuckle and then to laugh in spite of her efforts. “Haha, I—I’m sorry, it’s just—Hehe, your owner named you Lupe?”

“Hey,” Lupe said defensively, “at least it’s not Lupe10131121, right?”

Scooly finally got her laughter under control and nodded her head. “Yes, that’s true.”

“So, what’s your full name then?”

“Donna Scooly.”

“Donna, eh?” Lupe asked with a grin. “Any relation to—”

Scooly’s brow wrinkled in distaste. “No… I guess you should call me by my last name too,” she said with a sigh.

“Scooly it is!” he said, perking back up and holding out his paw to shake. “And you can call me Muldoon.” He then turned to the narrator of this story with a glare. “You too!”


Some things happen, blah blah blah (yes, that means I don’t know what) and at some point, Muldoon ends up confiding in Scooly about the disappearance of his sister Samaisha years ago that drove him to investigate The N Files…


“That’s terrible!” Scooly said, giving Muldoon a comforting pat on the arm. “How did your parents react?”

Muldoon gave Scooly a strange look. “Neopets don’t have parents!”

“Oh yeah,” Scooly said, “I forgot, sorry. It just seems like if we have brothers and sisters…”

“No, you’re right! That is strange!” Muldoon exclaimed, all of his melancholy melting off in light of his sudden excitement. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small journal with the words LUPE MULDOON’S CONSPIRACY THEORIES written across the front. With the tip of his tongue sticking out the side of his mouth in concentration, he quickly scribbled a few notes into his book, then stuffed it back into his pocket and turned back to Scooly. “Where were we?”

Note: The term "insomneo" was inspired by a story by slick__3

[Nekookane]

Hahaha, I like that! You really caught the little turns of phrase that made the show popular, and the mood is perfect.

I love this kind of stuff - it has a place somewhere - crossover fiction? I did a Paw and Order Script for one of my stories once (not for the Times, though I considered sending it - but lost interest before the conclusion, which finished too weakly) - but what a lot of fun to write!

Do you have more like this? Do others in this forum write these things? They're fun!

[calvinseviltwin]

That was really cool tdyans. I'll look foward to those in the times!

[Tdyans]

Thanks guys, I'm glad you liked it. Like I said, this is all I have and I'm not really planning on doing any more with it, although you never know... I never considered myself much for writing parodies, but I know XF well enough. I just already have a lot of other Neopets stories planned (not to mentio real-life writing), like I said. Maybe it wouldn't be bad to do this for a one-time thing at some point, but I'd fear it turning into more...