Post by podgeb on Jun 9, 2012 10:08:11 GMT -5
TW: Self harm, attempted suicide, eating disorders.
Hey everyone at the NTWF. I know I haven't been online in about 2 years, but I wrote this up a few months back, and felt like I should share it. I stopped NTWF-ing a lot at around the time that my eating disorder began to develop, and have had mental illnesses since I left. The support of some NTWFers, with Thundy in particular, helped me get through some really rough times in my life.
I'm now exiting those times and finding my own feet in the world, and so I want to share this with you, the people who helped me become the person I am today. NTWF was formative in my younger days, and it feels bizarre to know that i've had an account on here for almost 7 years. I'm 18 now, and grown up (ish!) so it's lovely to recount my old days playing on the NTWF with the amazing people that frequent this site.
So, here is my story.
My eating disorder story technically begins as a child, when criticised by parents for not eating healthily enough, and for being a chubby child, but for purposes of narrative, it begins in year 9, nearly 5 years ago.
In the summer of year 9, I entered a very rocky period in my relationship with friends exacerbated by my borderline aspergers, and turned to food to block out how badly I felt, doing crash diet after crash diet in a whirlwind wrestle with my worst enemy: myself. I also experienced my first diagnosed battle with my eternal demon of depression and anxiety. Over that summer I managed to find a balance, only to topple again in the autumn of year 10. By the february of that academic year I was binging on diet pills, eating erratically and spending my lunchtimes hiding out in the library, avoiding any mention of food. It gradually got worse, with my eating disorder progressing along with my depression. On a holiday in Egypt I spent the entire time thinking about food, and missed out on the beautiful history in my obsession. My weight dropped.
Year 11 began in a similar manner, but when at Christmas lunch my 2 year old cousin visibly ate more than I did, people began to worry about both my physical and mental health. Encouraged by my mother I went to an unfamiliar doctor to enquire about treatment, but was turned away for not being sick enough. This made me feel hideous, and gave the eating disorder more fuel. At this point, I was approaching a weight that meant my physical processes were compromised and my hair began to fall out.
It wasn’t until a school trip to Ecuador came around that my eating disorder began to lose it’s tug, and I began to find my own feet. The trip would involve a week of trekking in the mountains at a very high altitude, and in order to cope with the ordeal I would need to train extensively. After a training weekend went very badly with both my eating and exercising, I committed myself to doing the best I could in terms of recovery.
Walking for 2 hours a day, studying for the rest and eating as healthy as possible sounds excellent, but instead it provided me with another way to obsess about food, and quickly anorexia turned into orthorexia. During this time I was also studying for my GCSEs, and my obsessions were simply studying, food, and exercise. I was like a doll, following my own rules and only getting through each day to get to the next, to get to the next, to get to my exams, to get to the trip.
Eventually, I completed my exams and went on the trip to Ecuador, which I can honestly say was a life changing experience. I have never felt more happy in my entire life, and all of the training, all of the eating, all of the working felt worthwhile. My eating was normal, and I felt complete.
I didn’t bank on what would happen when I returned.
My healthy mojo stayed for a month, during which I received my GCSE results: 11 A*s and 2 As. I was delighted. A few weeks later I entered a period of gender confusion, and also found a girlfriend. As food was no longer weighing on my mind I was finally able to explore feelings that had been present since I was a child: that of not feeling comfortable in my own, femenine skin. I explored them extensively in this brief period where eating was not my enemy, and for 6 months I was utterly happy.
Then the relationship ended, and I once again turned to food, this time to bulimia. With a packet of laxatives a day ending up in my system, my depression returned significantly worse, and I began self harming in the spring of year 12. My life became a whirlwind, as I left group after group of friends to their own devices fearing my own personality, and my own doubts. It was a rocky 6 months that led to 2 overdoses and an eventual resurgence in orthorexia over the summer.
In September I took the overdose that landed me in hospital for 3 months, and during that time I can thoroughly say that I learned to recover. My orthorexia was helped by a dietician that knew what she was doing, who respected my illness and never did beat around the bush. I felt helped, and my depression was finally managed effectively.
So here I sit, at what I hope is the end of my battle with eating disorders and their friends anxiety and depression and the start of the long road to complete recovery. While I know it won’t be an easy future, it’s the best one I have. I can’t wait to experience it.
What I want to say to you all is that you CAN recover. It is possible. I did it, and so can you.
I hope you guys are all just as wonderful as you ever were, and that any of you who remember me drop me a line!
-Madz. x
Hey everyone at the NTWF. I know I haven't been online in about 2 years, but I wrote this up a few months back, and felt like I should share it. I stopped NTWF-ing a lot at around the time that my eating disorder began to develop, and have had mental illnesses since I left. The support of some NTWFers, with Thundy in particular, helped me get through some really rough times in my life.
I'm now exiting those times and finding my own feet in the world, and so I want to share this with you, the people who helped me become the person I am today. NTWF was formative in my younger days, and it feels bizarre to know that i've had an account on here for almost 7 years. I'm 18 now, and grown up (ish!) so it's lovely to recount my old days playing on the NTWF with the amazing people that frequent this site.
So, here is my story.
My eating disorder story technically begins as a child, when criticised by parents for not eating healthily enough, and for being a chubby child, but for purposes of narrative, it begins in year 9, nearly 5 years ago.
In the summer of year 9, I entered a very rocky period in my relationship with friends exacerbated by my borderline aspergers, and turned to food to block out how badly I felt, doing crash diet after crash diet in a whirlwind wrestle with my worst enemy: myself. I also experienced my first diagnosed battle with my eternal demon of depression and anxiety. Over that summer I managed to find a balance, only to topple again in the autumn of year 10. By the february of that academic year I was binging on diet pills, eating erratically and spending my lunchtimes hiding out in the library, avoiding any mention of food. It gradually got worse, with my eating disorder progressing along with my depression. On a holiday in Egypt I spent the entire time thinking about food, and missed out on the beautiful history in my obsession. My weight dropped.
Year 11 began in a similar manner, but when at Christmas lunch my 2 year old cousin visibly ate more than I did, people began to worry about both my physical and mental health. Encouraged by my mother I went to an unfamiliar doctor to enquire about treatment, but was turned away for not being sick enough. This made me feel hideous, and gave the eating disorder more fuel. At this point, I was approaching a weight that meant my physical processes were compromised and my hair began to fall out.
It wasn’t until a school trip to Ecuador came around that my eating disorder began to lose it’s tug, and I began to find my own feet. The trip would involve a week of trekking in the mountains at a very high altitude, and in order to cope with the ordeal I would need to train extensively. After a training weekend went very badly with both my eating and exercising, I committed myself to doing the best I could in terms of recovery.
Walking for 2 hours a day, studying for the rest and eating as healthy as possible sounds excellent, but instead it provided me with another way to obsess about food, and quickly anorexia turned into orthorexia. During this time I was also studying for my GCSEs, and my obsessions were simply studying, food, and exercise. I was like a doll, following my own rules and only getting through each day to get to the next, to get to the next, to get to my exams, to get to the trip.
Eventually, I completed my exams and went on the trip to Ecuador, which I can honestly say was a life changing experience. I have never felt more happy in my entire life, and all of the training, all of the eating, all of the working felt worthwhile. My eating was normal, and I felt complete.
I didn’t bank on what would happen when I returned.
My healthy mojo stayed for a month, during which I received my GCSE results: 11 A*s and 2 As. I was delighted. A few weeks later I entered a period of gender confusion, and also found a girlfriend. As food was no longer weighing on my mind I was finally able to explore feelings that had been present since I was a child: that of not feeling comfortable in my own, femenine skin. I explored them extensively in this brief period where eating was not my enemy, and for 6 months I was utterly happy.
Then the relationship ended, and I once again turned to food, this time to bulimia. With a packet of laxatives a day ending up in my system, my depression returned significantly worse, and I began self harming in the spring of year 12. My life became a whirlwind, as I left group after group of friends to their own devices fearing my own personality, and my own doubts. It was a rocky 6 months that led to 2 overdoses and an eventual resurgence in orthorexia over the summer.
In September I took the overdose that landed me in hospital for 3 months, and during that time I can thoroughly say that I learned to recover. My orthorexia was helped by a dietician that knew what she was doing, who respected my illness and never did beat around the bush. I felt helped, and my depression was finally managed effectively.
So here I sit, at what I hope is the end of my battle with eating disorders and their friends anxiety and depression and the start of the long road to complete recovery. While I know it won’t be an easy future, it’s the best one I have. I can’t wait to experience it.
What I want to say to you all is that you CAN recover. It is possible. I did it, and so can you.
I hope you guys are all just as wonderful as you ever were, and that any of you who remember me drop me a line!
-Madz. x
