Re: conitnued Darkmage92's continued story

[sollunaestrella]

Good!

It's a little too fast-paced though, at least for my liking (maybe not for anyone else's) and you might want more description and some more descriptive words to make it more interesting.

Also, for a series, you want your part to be much longer. I'd say at least 1,500--2,000 words or so, and your part seems really short. The description could help extend that as well as enhancing your story.

I'd like to read more, though. ;D It's very intriguing and original.

[Lappi]

Here are my edits for you Edits in bold, even though I feel lazy.

As the figure approached the castle doors it muttered something, which sounded close to: “Destroius(,)” and the castle doors blew down with a tremendous crash! He blasted door after door after door until finally(,) he found one that had the emblem of a king on a throne and knew that King Sklarl resided in there. He knocked on the door and two guards opened it.
“What business have you with King Sklarl?!” the guards said in unison.
“If I told you, you would die of fright, mortals!!” And with that(,) he pushed the guards aside and ran up to King Sklarl and said, “King Sklarl, I offer you a deal. I will protect your kingdom from harm but you must pay me your orb in exchange! But if you refuse I will do the opposite; and that is to destroy Meridell!” the hooded figure said with a grin.
“First, let me see who I am dealing with,” the fat Skeith said.
“You need not see because I can tell you who I am, I WAS the king of Maraqua until your army passed through and destroyed my city in search for the orb!!” the figure said.
“Ah, I remember him now,” Jeran whispered to the King, quivering slightly with fear.
“No deal, no deal at all not even for 1,000,000 NPs,” King Sklarl said gruffly.
“Suit yourself,” the hooded figure said. The figure walked out without another word.

Meanwhile in the Human world...

“Hi Mom(,) I’m home,” Michael said as he busted into the kitchen.
Mike was a nice kid who was never mean and was always trying to help out. He was usually on Neopets playing with his red Shoyru, and Shoy was his name. Even though Mike nice, he was a bit stubborn. He was also a bit slow in the head sometimes when things seemed simple to the obvious.
“Hello Mike,” his Mom said.
Mike threw his backpack onto the floor, ran upstairs and logged onto NEOPETS. He went to Meridell to do his daily round of Turdle Races. The page just displayed these words: This page has gone missing! And at the bottom it said Beware of the Hooded Figure. Mike thought, “How can webpage info go missing, and who is The Hooded Figure?” Then he went to do an Illusen’s Quest(,) but the same thing happened. He kept on roaming around when he saw that he had found a Tai-Kai codestone. He went to the inventory to sell it and he saw instead of a codestone, an item called DC Transporter. He double(-)clicked on the item and the computer immediately went blank. He knocked on the computer but it still wouldn’t go back on. Suddenly(,) in the center of the computer(,) a hole looked as if it was being ripped. When it opened fully, a blue beam came out of the computer and shot out across the room. Mike foolishly stepped into it and blacked out.
End of Episode :1
Next Time : What happened to Mike and who is the Hooded Figure?

Cool, but I agree with one of my favourite authors. It's a bit too fast, and the story's a bit short. Try to add more discription and other things, and try not to write it as though you were telling a story... err... like more profession. I mean, Try to make it as though we weren't talking to make it more professional-like.

Otherwise, very good start!

[Lappi]

Ok, I give up. I totally messed up on the bolding part. e_e And out of 5?

[pichuthegreat]

tell you guy's the truth don't tell darkmage92 but I sort of wrote some of the story and some of the plot

[Lappi]

Err.. pichu, I think he's going to read your post. Lol, oh well... at least he didn't copy directly =)

[pichuthegreat]

no i mean i wrote the entire plot and half the story and i didn't get any credit