Could anyone review this rejected story?

[Gelquie]

This is a rejected story. Could anyone read this and see what I did wrong? This is part 1.

Flower, the Rescuer of Daydreamer
by gentle_lil_queen

I looked at my pets who were staring at me, Then at the status button. I sighed. They were starving again and I didn't feel like buying any food. I was about to do my backup plan. I looked up and saw that my pets weren't staring at me anymore. I shrugged.

"Indalabray! Daydreamer_daydream! Gimmer_shimmer!" I shouted to them. (Gimmer is pronounced as Jimmer for those people who are confused) They all ran downstairs.

"I understand you are all starving," I said to them, " I understand you need food. Come on."

"Are we going to the neolodge again?" Daydreamer asked.

"Yes," I replied. Then we went out the door.

At the neolodge...

I went up to the neolodge papers and filled in Indalabray’ first. Then Daydreamer's. Then Gimmer's. They were all going to stay in Faerie Castle as always. My pets greeted me with a friendly goodbye. 3 days. 3 days without feeding my pets. I decided to buy some food for myself so I can go to my neohome and watch the news.

***

"Part 4 of the Meridell plot has come out!" The TV news announced. They showed the story.

"I knew that would happen!" I said to myself.

"In other news... MERIDELL HAS BEEN FOUND!!!"

I gaped and looked at the TV screen.

"As Meridell is now open, Ixi are no longer limited edition! If you want to adopt one, go right ahead. Draiks on the other hand... well... you have to do something special!"

I turned off the TV. I was absolutely in LOVE with ixis! Now was my chance to get one! I left the food for the pant devil and scurried out the door. I was actually pretty fast at scurrying so I managed to accidentally knock something down in my rush. My safety deposit box. I didn't care. I was rushing out the door like a madman... or shall we say madgirl? Doesn't matter. I slammed the door behind me and very quickly locked it. Then rushed down the street of neopia central. Then I stopped. Dead in my tracks.

"Oh thats right!" I said to myself. I pushed the button on my teleporter. It showed a big screen of Neopia. I put my finger on a castle and immediately, I disappeared.

[Gelquie]

This is part 2.

At Meridell...

I appeared in the middle of a crowd. Everyone was here. Everyone wanted to see the new world. Everyone wanted to do something new.

So did I.

I spotted something that looked like a tree. "Maybe the herd of ixi to adopt is right there," I thought to myself. I ran over to the tree-like thing. There was a door. I opened it only to see an Earth Faerie.

"Hello." The faerie said to me. "My name is Illusen. I came here to get away from the Dark Faeries! Especially Jhudora. I really need to get some items. I'll give you a time limit and if you find the item for me... once per day... I will give you an item. Interested?"

"Oh," I said kindly to Illusen, "I thought this is the place where you get the ixi."

"No. You have to go to the Meridell Create-A-Pet Station," Illusen replied.

"Well, I might as well do a quest while I'm here."

"Where is my Happy Birthday Card? You have 16 minutes 47 seconds to find one and bring it here."

To my very luck, I had one with me. "Here you go!" I said to Illusen handing her the card.

"You have completed Illusen's quest level 1! Congratulations!" Illusen beamed. "Oh, and before I forget, heres something for you." She handed me two cookies with green icing. "They are my favorite cookies I make myself! Its Illusen’s Cream Cookie!"

"Thank you very much!" I said to her kindly hiding the dissapointment of not getting much. I walked out the door. Time to look for the Meridell Create-A-Pet Station.


I had eaten one of the cookies as I walked in the Meridell Create-A-Pet Station. Then I thought to myself “ This should be the Ixi Create-a-Pet Station.” I shrugged and walked to the front desk.

“I would like an ixi please,” I said to the ixi behind the desk.

“Alright then,” The ixi said with a smile, “What name would you like?”

I paused immediately. I wasn’t thinking of names, but I had to think of one.

“lil_flower_girl please,” I said to her.

“I’m sorry, but that name is taken! Perhaps one of these following names…”

“lil_flower_gal then.”

“What colour would you like?” the ixi asked.

“Red,” I said to her.

I filled out the rest of the forms of what she likes, what stats, and so on and so forth. Then I walked into another room to pick out an ixi. I looked at all of the red female ones. Little did I know, that a red ixi was sneaking up behind me, ready for something. Before I could turn around…

[Gelquie]

Part 3.

“Hi!” the ixi said.

I jumped and turned around. I saw an ixi. I laughed at what happened. She reminded me of me. Sneaking around into everything. I had to have her! I picked her up and carried her to the desk. The ixi smiled at me. Then, I placed her on the table.

“I would like her,” I said to the ixi at the desk.

“Very well,” she said. She pointed her stats gun at lil_flower_gal (we will call her Flower) and fired. Soon, she had the chosen stats. I signed the approval of owning the ixi and Flower and I walked out the door, handing her the last Illusen Cream Cookie.

“Thanks!” Flower said as she munched on the cookie. “Can we explore Meridell while we’re here?”

I smiled. “Of course!” And so we did. Hours passed. We’ve almost visited everything! I looked up and saw something that looked like a purple star with eyes on it. I’m guessing it was Lisha’s Rod of Ultranova. I also saw a figure in a black cloak pushing past us rudely like they were in a hurry. We were about to walk again when, once again, another figure from another angle pushed past us. Then another. And another. It wasn’t ending! Soon, we were pushed to the ground. They still thought we were in the way. They kicked us into some mud. I angrily wiped some mud off of me.

“They could have said ‘excuse me’!” I exclaimed.

“I think somethings up about those mysterious figures,” Flower said.

“Of course there’s something up about them! They’re mysterious figures!” I said.

“Lets go home and wash ourselves up,” Flower said, “Besides, its getting dark.”

“Good idea,” I said to Flower. I held her hoof with my left hand as I held the teleporter in my right hand. I put my finger on pet central and it showed a list of options. I put my finger on neohome and that showed a list of options. I put my finger on “My Neohome” and then the world disappeared around me.

3 days later while the 3 pets were returning home…

“The faeries serve good food!” Gimmer exclaimed.

“Tell me about it!” Indalabray said.

“Alright! We’re home!” Daydreamer exclaimed to the other pets.

Indalabray rang the doorbell. There came a soft reply, but it was not my voice.

“Come in,” it said.

All of the pets looked at each other. Indalabray readied himself just in case they were being hacked. Then he opened the door, to find an ixi!

Indalabray unreadied himself and asked, “Who are you?”

Then, I came in the room.

“Welcome back!” I welcomed. “I’m so sorry! I forgot to tell you! Meridell came out and ixis were no longer Limited Edition, so I went to Meridell and got one! I saved the old news!” I handed them the news. Indalabray, Gimmer, and Daydreamer looked at it. After awhile, they pressed a button for the plot and disappeared, the old news flying to the floor.

“I want to see it too,” Flower said. I let her. She put her hoof on the plot and disappeared.

“They’ll be back,” I said to myself. Boy was I half-wrong.

After the pets watched the next part…

I was sitting in a chair, waiting for their return. Then, I remembered that the link to Meridell was in there. Probably visiting Meridell. I sighed. I was about to click a button on my transporter to temporarily leave neopia when Indalabray and Gimmer ran inside.

“Gentle! Daydreamer’s been petnapped!” Gimmer said panting for breath.

“Flower is trying to get Daydreamer back!” Indalabray said, also panting for breath.

I gasped. Daydreamer is almost as strong as Indalabray, but who knows what has her, and why?

“It left a black strand from the clothing!” Indalabray added.

Then I knew. Those black figures were not the only the mean and not polite… things, but they were evil and up to something. What it was I do not know.

[Gelquie]

Part 4.

Meanwhile…

Flower was running. Running silently as fast as she could go. She was only 3 days old, but she was pretty fast and sneaky! She was out of breath, but she couldn’t stop. She had to find Daydreamer! She wasn’t even half as strong as Daydreamer or Indalabray, but that didn’t matter! The point is, that she needs to help her! She was running and running and running when suddenly, BAM! Flower ran into an invisible tree. Flower rubbed her nose. And put her hoof up to the tree. She found an invisible door handle. She opened the door and saw a room. A room filled with doors. Nothing but doors. Flower stepped inside and immediately, the door slammed shut and locked itself behind her. In front of her was a chest. She opened it finding it unlocked. Inside was a number of notes, a gem with a string, and a key. She put the gem around her neck and read the first note. It read:

[/i]Whoever reads this note must choose their destination.. If you choose to go to the prison of your choice, pick up the first note. If you choose to go to wherever you wished to go never to return, pick up the second note. If you…


She read and read and read.

And finally, if you want to have anything you want at any time, choose the last note. Remember, you can only choose one note per life, so choose wisely!

Flower’s mind was reeling. She really needed to free daydreamer, but she also wanted whatever she wanted at anytime, but she had to save Daydreamer, but it was so tempting, but Daydreamer is part of the family and besides, it could be a program, but you could have anything you want, ANYTHING, but what’s more important, whatever you want, or your sister?

Flower stopped at the last thing the conscious said. “But what’s more important? Whatever you want, or your sister?” She knew, she knew that she couldn’t sacrifice her sister for anything, even if it means risking getting anything. Flower picked up the first note and all other notes disappeared. It read,

You have chosen to go to the prison of your choice. Probably to free someone? Well, I can’t control your thoughts and you can’t control mine. Here it is…

For time to pass, the warp must come, so must the difference between reality and fantasy. What you know is that you were created. What you don’t know is that you aren’t real, but every pet must know something… What? I’m writing the question on the wrong paper? Oops. Sorry. Let me start again… There are 40 million pets in Neopia that were created by other human beings. If 40% were abandoned and 25% were adopted, how many in numbers have been taken out of existence? If your answer is 523,000, go to Room A. If your answer is 600,000, go to Room B. If your answer is 700,000, go to Room C. If your answer is 500,000, go to Room D. Last but not least, if your answer is 650,000, go to Room E. Remember, if you fail in answering correctly, you must go to the prison that is not your choice and get thrown in a cell.

Good Luck!

Signed,
I must not say

[Gelquie]

Flower shuddered at the fact that she was not real and how many pets were abandoned and vanished forever. Then she put her hoof up to her chin. Wait, do ixis have a chin? Hold on. Let me think. Hmmm… yes they do.

Anyway, Flower was blind in the question. She didn’t know the answer. Neither did her owner. It was multiple choice too! Flower didn’t have a single clue. Then, as if it was by magic, the word “Fractions” came to her head. Then, she thought of the simplest. 45/100 is 45%, 75/100 is 75%, you get the drill. Then she did the math. However, even though she had suddenly learned percents, it wasn’t good enough for Flower to understand the problem, but she could just stand around forever. She went to a nearby log and sat down, but she couldn’t sit forever either. Then, Flower came up with the brightest idea. She would make the number of 40 million by 40% and use that number and use the 25%. Then she subtracted the 40% and 25%. Of course! It was 600,000! She put the paper down and walked over to Room B. She opened the door and walked in, letting the swirling light surround her. It was swirling around for 2 minutes, and faded revealing… absolutely nothing but a note. Flower took it and read…

You have done well. That was a difficult question.

Good Luck!

Again, I must not say

Then, the darkness brightened and saw the note disappear from her very hands. Then, she looked around. She was in a circular prison and to the right, saw a small black eyrie with no wings. It looked depressed, but looked nothing like Daydreamer.

Flower sighed and said, “I guess I’m in the wrong prison-“

“No you are not.”

Flower turned around and saw the black eyrie. It looked like it had finished speaking.

“Who are you?” Flower asked.

[Gelquie]

“You don’t look like her.”

Daydreamer sighed. “It’s the cloaked pets that you saw in Meridell.”

Flower paused. “How did you know? You were in the neolodge.”

“Even in the neolodge, you can still be an active pet. Your physical body may not be there, but your spirit goes out for a trip. And no matter what happens, out of the neolodge, you can always go with your owner when you cannot. You just have to release your spirit.”

“Since when did the writer get so smart?”

“I don’t know.”

“How did you get into that form anyway?”

“They fed me a potion and for safety, then they took off my wings.”

Then, it started to rain. Rain? I looked up. Oh yeah. There is no ceiling.

“How are we going to escape?” Daydreamer asked me.

“I have an idea,” Flower replied to Daydreamer.

Then, a knock was heard.

“Finish what you are doing within 5 minutes!” Came the voice, “We will see you in the great hall.”

[Gelquie]

“Follow me,” Flower said. Flower walked over to the nearby cell wall. Daydreamer followed cautiously. Flower stood up and wiped some dust on the cell wall. Holes, made only for hooves.

No problem for Flower.

“How are we supposed to get up?” Daydreamer asked, “Those holes are made only for neopets with hooves!”

“But I have hooves!” Flower exclaimed.

“Good point,” Daydreamer said getting Flower’s idea. She got on Flowers back and Flower stuck her hoof in the first hole. It fit perfectly, like a key. Flower stuck her other hoof in the next hole. Then the third. Then the fourth. She kept on climbing. Up and up the circular prison. When Flower got her hoof in the last hole, the prison door opened. In walked the prison guard.

“Its time for… hey! Where did you go?” The prison guard exclaimed.

“Quick! Finish climbing!” Daydreamer whispered/shouted.

Flower didn’t need to be told twice. Flower quickly scrambled up the wall. But she wasn’t very good at that. She slid down a few holes making a horrible screeching sound.

“Hey! Whats that sound?” The guard exclaimed… again.

Flower gasped quietly and sped up her progress in putting her hooves in the holes.

“Hurry Flower! Hurry before he looks up!” But it was too late.

“What are you doing up there! Backup!”

A cloaked figure walked into the prison. Out came a hoof, gleaming with darkness. They fit it in the first hole.

[Gelquie]

“Hurry Flower!” Daydreamer told Flower.

This time, Flower managed to be really fast. Hoof after hoof after hoof a… AH! Flower slipped. Her hoof was hanging in the air, and the cloaked pet was gaining on them. Daydreamer grabbed it and put it in its place.

“Thanks,” Flower quietly said to Daydreamer. Well, maybe she was going a little too fast.

Flower kept up with her climbing, Daydreamer kept on with her holding, and the cloaked pet kept on with his, or her, climbing. It was almost impossible! The cloaked pet was 10 times faster than Flower. Then, Flower felt someone grab her.

“Got them!” The cloaked pet said in a disguised voice.

“Great!” The guard said, “Now bring them down!”

The cloaked pet shook his/her head.

“NO?” the guard yelled.

Then, the hood of the cloaked lowered to reveal a blue lupe only with his paws in some fake hooves.

“TRAITOR! GUARDS!” the guard ran out of the door.

“Get on my back. At your pace, you’ll never make it by the time they return,” the blue lupe told them.

“Indalabray! You found us! But how?” Daydreamer exclaimed.

“I was worried about Flower and Daydreamer,” Indalabray replied, “and with my strength, speed, and all, I thought I might want to help, though it was hard to get up to the floating castle…”

“FLOATING CASTLE???” Flower yelled.

“You’ll see,” Indalabray said.

And indeed they did see, for when Indalabray reached the top of the prison, they started flying through the air, or shall we say falling?

“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH…” Daydreamer screamed before a BUMP! hit Flower on the head as she was knocked unconscious. Indalabray took Flower and put her on his back. The thing that hit Flower on the head started to roll off into the sky before Indalabray caught it. It was labeled…

“Blue Pteri Morphing Potion”

“Daydreamer,” Indalabray said to her, “you might want this.”

Daydreamer took the potion and made sure that she didn’t spill any. Then she was back to a blue pteri. She dropped the bottle, grabbed Indalabray and Flower, and started to fly away from the clouds, to Neopia Central, to home.

The End? No, Not Really. Epiloge first.

“Flower! Wake up!” I said, nudging flower.

Flower woke up and saw that she was in Indalabray’s room along with Me, Indalabray, Gimmer, and Daydreamer.

“Good,” was all that Flower said.

Then, the TV turned on to show the Neopian News.

“All that Meridell was doing was going about their normal business when, from the skies, came an empty morphing potion that hit this aisha on the head. We suspect it was an attack from the floating, evil, castle just warming up.”

This time, Indalabray and Daydreamer fainted.

“What’s with them?” Gimmer asked.

Flower looked at them. Then shrugged.

“I don’t know. Must be something that happened after something hit me on the head.” Flower said.

Everyone laughed.

NOW it’s The End!


________________________________________________________________________

Authors Note: Just to let you know, I always take awhile with my stories so sometimes my grammer skills can change. If you notice this and this bothers you, I apologize.

[Gelquie]

And thats it. The authors note was supposed to be the the NT readers. You may now compliment. ;D

[sollunaestrella]

It's very interesting and good! However, there are a couple things:

The pronunciation of Gimmer_shimmer can probably be left out. It disrupts the flow of the story, I think.

“Hurry, Flower!” Daydreamer told Flower.
instead of, “Hurry Flower!” Daydreamer told Flower.

There came a soft, ungentle reply. instead of There came a soft not-gentle_lil_queen-reply. I didn't like that for some reason...

Indalabray rang the doorbell. instead of Indalabray ringed the doorbell.

Flower woke up and saw that she was in Indalabray’s room along with Indalabray, Gimmer, Daydreamer, and me. instead of Flower woke up and saw that she was in Indalabray’s room along with Me, Indalabray, Gimmer, and Daydreamer.

That's all for now!

[Gelquie]

sol_luna_estrella said:

There came a soft, ungentle reply. instead of There came a soft not-gentle_lil_queen-reply. I didn't like that for some reason...

Indalabray rang the doorbell. instead of Indalabray ringed the doorbell.

For the first one, my name can confuse the story. I use the first part of my username as a shortened version of it. If I don't say gentle_lil_queen, people will think that Flower has an ungentle voice.

For the second one, ARGH! I should have seen that! Do not worry. I can and WILL change it!

[sollunaestrella]

gentle_lil_queen said:

For the first one, my name can confuse the story. I use the first part of my username as a shortened version of it. If I don't say gentle_lil_queen, people will think that Flower has an ungentle voice.

For the second one, ARGH! I should have seen that! Do not worry. I can and WILL change it!

OK, I understand, but instead of not-gentle_lil_queen, you could say, "There came a soft reply, but it was not my voice." or something like that. I don't know, but it just seemed awkward to me.

[Gelquie]

Ah! Thats better! ;D *changes it*

[pichuthegreat]

if anyone I can't understand why that story was rejected that is an awesome story