Difference between sympathy and pity?

[Stephanie (swordlilly)]

How to become a better listener?

Someone online confided in me recently, and I felt really sad for them. I kept typing things like ":(" and "aww" and "I'm sorry to hear that," until at one point they said, "No pity please," and I said "ok."

Which led me to think about my listening habits in real life. Usually I'm so afraid of coming across as judgmental that I'll hardly say anything, but just pay attention to my friend. I do feel emotionally affected by their story, but I rein in those reactions because I don't want them to think I'm pitying them. And sometimes this lack of reaction goes too far, because my friend will ask me what I'm thinking, and I'm never sure of what to say.

How do you find a balance between pitying the other person and not caring?

[Deleted]

Here's what I think:

UNLESS they say "no pity", they want your sympathy. Everyone does! Everyone in the entire world needs someone's love to survive.

Usually, if someone says something like that to me, I don't say anything except "know that I love/care about you." That way I'm showing I care without saying anything else. Just telling someone you care is perfectly acceptable.

[Deleted]

Honestly, it depends on who's saying what to whom and when.

Sae: Personally, if someone's given me the "hug and say I love you" treatment too many times, it starts to feel hollow and make me think I'm being pitied, even if that's not the case. I mean, some people tell others about their problems and want only a hug in return. For others, that doesn't suffice. They want real, honest advice. Knowing that someone loves them is cool and all, but it doesn't solve their problems.

[Avery]

I'd say a lot of people just want someone to listen-- they just want to vent, to get it out. I know when I'm ranting, most of the time I don't want pity nor sympathy; I just want it out. I just want to talk and decompress. But everybody is different. Someone people will always want you to coddle them and give them extreme sympathy and treat them with "kid gloves". Others will get frustrated if you're too mushy.

I think the line between pity and sympathy is very fine. I'd say pity more falls under the umbrella of feeling bad for someone without much... true understanding? Real attempt to relate? Whereas I'd say sympathy is a more delicate thing, feeling bad for someone but without the negative connotations that come with pity.

Again, though, as Nat said, I feel it truly depends on the person. Everyone reacts differently, and everyone wants different things.

[Gelquie]

Oct 28, 2011 15:24:00 GMT -5 @saeryena said:

UNLESS they say "no pity", they want your sympathy. Everyone does! Everyone in the entire world needs someone's love to survive..

Not everyone. There are plenty of people out there who seem to get along fine without having someone's affection, or at least not having as much.

--

Anyway, I'm the type of person who tries to give advice or something whenever possible. Whenever I make a rant that I want responses to, it's usually for advice, and not necessarily for sympathy. Sympathy by itself is nice and all, but unless it's an "I'm feeling alone" rant, or heck, even then, advice is what I usually look for. Although sympathy combined with advice is also good.

Of course, there's always the case in which one may not know what they want to say. In which case, probably better to go for the sympathy route if there's a response. Unless they flat-out say "no sympathy". And without both, then I run out of things to say.

Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that giving advice and stuff, or at least making suggestions. Even if I don't say whether I'm hugging them or not, it at least usually gets the message across that the advice-giver is being caring without coming off as too pitying.

...Usually. It does depend on the person. I'm not sure if there's a perfect formula.

[Deleted]

For me, at least, pity involves looking down at someone due to the situation they are in while at the same time feeling sorry for them. Sympathy, however, is more associated with compassion. I'm not very good as explaining it, though.

[Ginz ❤]

I agree with Carrie, but I also think the 'problem' is that sympathy is extremely hard to convey online. When you're talking to someone IRL, you can tell when they're listening, no words needed. But online, where we see no faces or expressions, sometimes saying the things you said is the only thing we can do. It doesn't mean you say them out of pity, but it can come off that way.

Some people rant to let things out, some people rant when they want advice or help. For the first kind of people a *hug* might help, but for the later it probably won't. On the other hand, if all someone wants to do is rant, getting unsolicited advice can bother them, too. It's very tricky because there's no 'rule' to it, it changes from person to person, and online it's not only about how you act, but also about how they 'read' and perceive you.

I think there's very few people I know well enough to know how to react in that kind of situation. But I think no matter who you're talking to, the best thing you can do is genuinly listen and take an interest in what they're saying. It usually shows when you care.

[Deleted]

Pity and sympathy are, by definition, synonyms. I think the person who confided in you has a negative view of pity, but because the two are one in the same, perhaps they didn't really consider? It is also really hard to read tone correctly into a textual conversation. I have had this problem many times, it's just one of those internet barriers.

In any case, sympathy and pity are both feelings of sorrow at others' misfortune. If your friend did know that they were the same thing, perhaps they weren't wanting either from you. It's plausible they wanted advice.

I can't say I'm the best at this, but when someone starts ranting to me I usually ask them right off if they want advice, sympathy or both, and then I give them what they tell me. If they want advice, I try to think of things from my personal experience or from people I know and then think about how the two situations are different, and how that might effect the nature of the advice. If it's just sympathy they're after, I try to remind them about the good things in life and encourage them to do things that make them happy. If possible, I do these things with them.

It's always better to ask what someone wants from you, because that way you won't end up accidentally offending them. You're a good listener, Yo. ^_^

[Gav]

Actually, I do have a question. XD What is the appropriate resposne when someone is ranting just to let it out? I have no idea what to type after they've just launched into a lengthy spiel, because just saying, "Wow, yeah, that bites." sounds awfully... needless.

Admittedly it depends on the person.. but yeah. Just curious.