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Post by Deleted on Jun 30, 2011 21:01:48 GMT -5
Teow, that was beautifully said. I see more clearly now how it's really a personal lifestyle choice these days. Well, I'll have several years to figure this out. XD I did some tutoring as a teen, and although most of the kids I worked with were from eighth to tenth grade, I did meet some of their younger siblings too. Sometimes teaching things like math concepts could get frustrating (both for the kid and for me), but overall I felt like it was really rewarding. Yeah, I think I'd like to have kids in the future. ^^; Although there are lots of things beyond my control, like... What if I don't end up meeting someone I want to marry? What if the person I end up marrying doesn't want kids? What if I end up in a difficult financial situation? etc. But well, we'll see. :3 Yoyote, I believe that if you seek love, it will come to you. Sometimes it's in an unexpected way - but it will come if you keep looking. Also, you could always adopt a child if you never marry. There are many kids out there with no parents. I think you would make a wonderful mother. |
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Post by M is for Morphine on Jul 1, 2011 13:37:12 GMT -5
Yeah, I think I'd like to have kids in the future. ^^; Although there are lots of things beyond my control, like... What if I don't end up meeting someone I want to marry? What if the person I end up marrying doesn't want kids? What if I end up in a difficult financial situation? etc. But well, we'll see. :3 I strongly doubt you'll go your whole life without meeting anyone. There are a lot of cool guys out there if you're not holding them to impossible measures. Typically you get to date someone before you marry them, right? XD And you should find out pretty solidly how they feel about kids. If your goals are not compatible, you should not be getting married. That applies to kids, work, sexual needs, tons of things. You can't go into a marriage with the idea that they'll change for you, it isn't fair and it will breed resentment. Storytime: (from another forum) As for the money bit; that's a fear everyone has, children or not. Anyone can be blindsided by a health crisis, fire, any number of things. All you can do is be smart and plan. The average cost of a live birth in the US is $13,000 and is likely to go up, so that gives you a starting point on the kind of savings you might want to have. And maybe things will go wrong and you'll end up poor. As long as you love your kid and put their needs first, they will probably grow up happy. I grew up very poor and it actually took a long time to realize it; I was in elementary school before I realized that I didn't live like other people did. I admit I resent my childhood a bit. My mom would bring home $30 worth of embossing equipment (that remains unopened to this day!) while my dinner options would be A. a can of potatoes or B. the rice-a-roni with the moths in it. She would say she wasn't hungry, but we'd find McDonalds wrappers in the car. : / It wasn't the poverty that was the problem as much as the priorities. The really funny part is that strangers would compliment my mom on how we were raised because we were very quiet and polite. So I guess what I'm getting at is badly behaved kids aren't necessarily the indicator of bad parenting. |
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Post by Pacmanite on Jul 2, 2011 8:56:30 GMT -5
I know one of my mother's friends decided not to have children. Because this is a little personal, I'll call her Auntie J.
Well, Auntie J and her husband threw themselves headlong into the corporate world, and they both worked very, very hard at their careers. Without kids, they spent their entire 20s-50s raking in a fortune. They're very rich now, living in a comfortable and fashionable apartment in Singapore.
But. And this is a big but. My mother has known Auntie J for years and years, they're practically sisters... and she tells me she's seen a change in Auntie J. We had lunch together a few times in Singapore, and our Auntie hosted us for dinner at her place. And she's so... unbearable. Like, she talks about the fine points of cake-baking (her new hobby) as if butter-cake being served lukewarm was the most important thing in the world. Every time she gives me a small gift she has to explain how this gift is fancier than normal. She fusses about the arrangement of the dinner table, she fusses about her chicken rice (fancy chicken rice which she made herself from fancy hand-picked ingredients). And she so keenly watches the progress of all her relatives' children, how are their marks at uni, have they married smarter and richer people than themselves yet, etc. etc... in short, she has become a stuffy, unbearable Auntie, watching other people's children like a hawk.
To quote my mother: She regrets not having children of her own. She had a drive to be successful in the corporate world (which is not a bad thing in itself), and she got that success. In spades. She married rather late because she wanted to marry "up", and it took aages to find a rich white guy who was happy to have a smart, sharp-talking independent Chinese businesswoman for a wife, but she got him in the end. They both decided against having children, and they got all that they could have hoped for out of the trade - bucketloads of money, a good name, and membership to the exclusive American Club of Singapore. They're both so rich they retired early in luxury. And then it hits her - 'Okay, now what? I can't get any more successful than this, but what does it amount to?'
I know that children can't always bring you fulfillment, and you should not go into parenthood simply because you want kids to fill a hole in your heart. Children cannot always please you, and when that happens, the parents can end up even more disappointed in themselves. A kid isn't an antidepressant tablet.
But sometimes, choosing not to have children can bring a feeling of unfulfillment later in life, when you can't wind back the biological clock and make your choice again. I know you shouldn't live vicariously through your children, but people can still find joy in seeing them grow and make their own journey through life.
For better or for worse, you have to live with the consequences of your decision. Certainly, children are not for everyone, and a person does not have to have children in order to feel worthy. But the decision is not one to take lightly... no matter how rich and successful and materially happy you get, you cannot simply buy a child.
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Post by Killix on Jul 2, 2011 9:21:32 GMT -5
For better or for worse, you have to live with the consequences of your decision. The best thing about that statement is it works both ways. :) Even if you can't have your own children, adoption is always an option, too. |
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Post by Robyn on Jul 2, 2011 13:00:05 GMT -5
I've always wanted to have children. For some reason over the past month or so, I've been thinking a lot about my future-- my different dreams and aspirations, my worries and apprehensions, etc. Part of what I've been worrying about are my career plans vs. my family plans. I'd really love to make it big in the industry I want to go into, but I also would like to find someone I can happily marry and someday raise a family with. It's been hard for me to determine what's going to make me the happiest in the end. I guess I'm really just going to have to see how everything turns out for me in the next decade or so, but I know I don't want to go through my entire life without ever having a child.
I can't really describe why I want kids. I've always been drawn to them; my mother is a teacher, and she's taught kids of nearly all ages, and I was always there to help. We both have this natural rapport with children, to the point where people have gone out of their way to comment on it ("OMG ROBYN YOU SHOULD BE A CAMP COUNSELOR OR SOMETHING, YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE A GREAT MOTHER SOMEDAY"). I mean, I guess that knowing that sort of thing has always really helped and encouraged me.
Bringing a new life into this world is a huge responsibility, but I know that when I have a child, I'm going to love it so unconditionally that personal fulfillment won't even be a part of the equation at that point. I already love my unborn children, right now, as they live in my daydreams, my heart, and my future. It was that way with my mother for me. The bond we share is a beautiful, unbreakable thing, and I can't wait to share it with my children.
TL;DR-- I think that having kids is right for some people, but if others choose to find happiness elsewhere, that's their business, and it's totally okay. Despite my earlier statements, I know that a lot of parts of child-rearing can be extremely, extremely stressful, and not everyone can take that. Not everyone WANTS to take that. I just stand by the notion that if you know you want to be a parent and are truly going to love the child you have, then the rewards you reap will be much greater than the problems you'll encounter.
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Post by Komori on Jul 3, 2011 15:50:26 GMT -5
But sometimes, choosing not to have children can bring a feeling of unfulfillment later in life, when you can't wind back the biological clock and make your choice again. I know you shouldn't live vicariously through your children, but people can still find joy in seeing them grow and make their own journey through life. Maybe, but you could also help young people grow and make their journey through life without actually being a parent. For example, the couple who ran the college ministry at SCAD weren't able to have children because the husband got testicular cancer. But they always said they considered the students at the ministry like their family, and found plenty of fulfillment helping them learn and grow. From what you said of your aunt, it doesn't really sound like she became a different person without children. Maybe she's just that sort of person who finds more enjoyment out of all the fancy luxuries. I know some very rich people like her, who happen to also have children. They still fuss over their fancy china plates and expensive Mediterranean cruises, and their kids are an afterthought. |
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Post by jdb1984 on Jul 3, 2011 16:55:44 GMT -5
Kid:I'll never have children, they're too big a responsibility, and my brothers and sisters shown I probably wouldn't be able to handle it
Younger adult:If God wills, and I find the right person. But probably not.
Now:I'm not sure. Part of me does want kids, but I'm not sure if I'd make a good father. I'm also pushing 30, and never even had a girlfriend.
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Post by Cow-winkle on Jul 3, 2011 17:46:23 GMT -5
But sometimes, choosing not to have children can bring a feeling of unfulfillment later in life, when you can't wind back the biological clock and make your choice again. I know you shouldn't live vicariously through your children, but people can still find joy in seeing them grow and make their own journey through life. That's probably true, but I think it's better to want children and not have them than to have children and not want them. As you said, it's not a decision to take lightly. |
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Post by Sock on Jul 4, 2011 12:58:16 GMT -5
I think it all depends on the individual. I don't think having children is a requirement for happiness for everyone, especially since I don't believe anything is a requirement for happiness for everyone (with perhaps the exception of the necessities: food, shelter, etc). But of course, for some people, children are a requirement for happiness.
Me personally, I have never liked children and never wanted them, and I can't ever see this changing in the future. I'm almost positive that having children would definitely make me unhappy. So while having children makes some people happy, I don't think it makes everyone happy, and saying there's anything in the world that would make everyone happy is a little ridiculous.
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Post by Killix on Jul 6, 2011 22:33:03 GMT -5
Me personally, I have never liked children and never wanted them, and I can't ever see this changing in the future. I'm almost positive that having children would definitely make me unhappy. Same here. Having children wouldn't make me happy, it would do the exact opposite. |
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