My True Happiness: YEAR THREE

[Deleted]

{AN AWESOME FAMILY}

Oh my goodness I love family. <'3

Christmas has always been such a wonderful time for us. We would celebrate it with Mom's brother and his family, and with Grandma K. And around New Years we would celebrate the season overall with our Jewish friends.

This year, we're getting to do so much more.

This year, we went up to see Dad's side of the family.

We usually see them for Thanksgiving. (Last year (not this year, last year)) I was gone, so I missed it. And that was very hard on me. Because it really is amazing. The food is wonderful and I see all these relatives; Dad's the youngest of eight, you see. There's usually about half of the eight of them there, and their spouses and kids (and in some instances, their kids' spouses and children). So much family. So many stories.

This year, not only did I get to see them for Thanksgiving…

I also am getting to see them for Christmas.

…I can't even begin to describe how awesome this is.

You see…

…all eight of Dad and his siblings are going to be there. That hasn't happened at a Christmas gathering in twenty-four years.

I'm seeing some of my cousins and uncles and aunts I haven't seen in years. And oh man the FOOD. Every day is like going out to eat at a restaurant! There's always so much delicious food. It's so good that it makes me tear up just thinking about it and describing it to you. Grandma A. always makes these amazing salads, and there's something different every night so far. And the food is really, really good.


{AN AWESOME DAY}

Yesterday I got to go to the mall with my cousin who's about my age.

Now… normally I really don't like shopping. It's always so much of a hassle. It's annoying to keep trying on clothes, and standing for too long makes the soles of my feet hurt. (I suspect it's due to how old my shoes are. They're still in good condition, though, so I intend to keep on wearin' 'em.)

This time, though…

First we entered in through Borders. It is always nice to go to Borders because I love books and I love to read. Lately I've fallen out of the habit (of reading almost all the time) due to school and my tendency to make my own stories here on the Forum, but I still love to read. I went in and my cousin helped me find I gift I needed. While I was there I saw two books I wanted to buy for myself, and some books I will probably buy sometime later once I get home. Maybe in the summer. Who knows.

Afterwards, we kind of wandered the mall for a bit. We went in and out of stores. We looked at Claire's and looked at the pretty jewelry. We entered a sports paraphernalia store and looked around. We went in a little gift shop and looked around that. We wandered around. It was a small mall.

We even went inside Gamestop, which made me very happy. I got to buy a game guide for Golden Sun: Dark Dawn. (I don't have it yet, so I haven't opened it, but I plan on buying it myself if I don't get it for Christmas.) This made me very very happy.

Then we went into Deb's to hang out while we waited to hear news on what to do next.

Now, normally, as I said, I really don't like trying on clothes. I saw a pair of earmuffs (something I really needed for school), so I bought those (under $7, too). I wasn't planning on buying anything else. But my cousin convinced my to try on shoes "for the [heck] of it" (as she put it). I mentioned that I have trouble walking in high-heels, and she said to put on a pair and just try it on. So I looked at the shoes on display and she showed me a very cute pair of heels.

Normally I'm not crazy about shoes, but these were very cute. They were black and I had a feeling they would go very nice with my black dress that I brought with me to wear to Christmas Mass. I got very excited about them and decided to buy them. But before we did that, I also tried on a very cute pair of purple heels.

Purple is one of my favorite colors and I think I wear it well. My cousin and I decided to also try on some of the dresses they had "just for the [heck] of it". It was just like playing dress-up as a kid. I picked out this very pretty dress in my size and tried it on with the shoes. It was very pretty. (It also reminded me that I probably need new dresses; I think I have grown a size since I last bought dresses…) My cousin and I took pictures and she said I was pretty.

That made me feel very happy. I have some problems with breakout on my face, shoulders, and back still (not as bad as it used to be, but still noticeable, especially on my shoulders and back), and I feel it's not really that attractive. I'm still comfortable with myself, though, so I don't wear make-up. But I don't necessarily describe myself as "pretty". So that made me very happy.

I eventually bought the shoes and then we went home.

It wasn't long before we all gathered together again for dinner. All 21 of us (more people will be coming these next two days). It was a delicious dinner and the dessert was also delicious. And we talked and talked and told stories. It was marvelous.

{AND AWESOME THINGS TO COME}

I can't wait for dinner today, and I REALLY can't wait for dinner tomorrow and on Christmas. I can't wait for Christmas Mass where we'll all get to celebrate that wonderful miracle together.

I'm tearing up just thinking about all this love and togetherness. I wish I could share it with you guys; the experience is just phenomenal. It's… it's… it's real happiness! Not just contentment. Not just thrill. REAL happiness. Laughter and love and excitement and happiness. Joy. The kind of thing that I look forward to in life. It means so much to me and makes life so worth living. It makes my heart sing. I think anyone who knows me knows that the closest I get to this is when I am writing (or reading) something really good… but really… it is gatherings like these where I am happiest.

Truly, it is a gift from God.

[Chloemew]

Awww Torkles, it's so nice to see you this happy. =D And reading through this made me feel happy, even more so than I usually am. xD I hope you continue to have a good time.

[Celestial]

^_^ Aww, Torkie, it's so wonderful seeing you as happy as you are! You deserve every bit of that.

[Dju]

YA! GO TEAM FAMILY!!!
Some people don't see how they have wonderful families and amazing parents, which is sad...but you see all the treasure in front of you! You enjoy every single part of it!

You deserve a trophy for it
I'm serious.

[PFA]

<3 Sounds like a wonderful Christmas indeed. It's always nice spending Christmas with your family.

[Deleted]

Alright. I am certain you are all interested in hearing what happened next. <3

On the 23rd, we went and saw TRON: Legacy together. More relatives came and we had another large dinner. It was lots of funtimes and very tasty. Many stories were exchanged, and I got to tell a few myself. (If you've ever wondered where I got the talent for stories, you should hear my relatives relay their experiences. It's fascinating and often the story is hilarious. )

Yesterday, more cousins came. We went to Mass in the evening and had beef roast for dinner. Mass was wonderful; especially the singing. Nice and loud and beautiful. Dinner was again delicious and there were more stories. And card games, afterwards! I watched my sisters and my cousins play Spoons. (I know better than to get involved in something where you fight over the last remaining object of something on purpose :U)

Today was beautiful. I woke up by myself at 8 for no apparent reason. After I freshened up, Dad came to pick me up and my immediate family celebrated Christmas over at the hotel. Then we went and visited with my uncle Tony's family for a while (they were down the hall at the hotel) before returning and coming back to Grandma's house. Over time, as lunch was finished being prepared (beef teriyaki… the most delicious kind EVER) , all eight of the siblings came.

There were many pictures with the children, the grandchildren (my generation), and the great-grandchildren. We had much singing along to the piano; it was like being in a choir. It was beautiful. <'3 It was like… close to thirty people all singing to this beautiful music. And we sang Christmas songs, and the Piano Man song, and yes… we even sang Don't Stop Believin', much to my joy and amusement.

Dinner was awesome, and then a new initiate into the family (a man who married one of my cousins) made us snow cream. It was a delicious treat.

Now, the family has slowly returned back to other places. Some people have left town to return to their homes in other states.

But the celebration continues. Tomorrow is another day yet. <'3333333

[The Scrac that Smiles Back]

Sounds amazing =3

[Deleted]

I had a pretty sad month this month. But things over the past three days have more than made up for it. <'3

{An Awesome Family}

Today, I felt loved. Not because I got presents. Because Dad went to the effort to get me Angry Birds plushies and toys and shirts. He went to that effort because he loved me and wanted to make me smile. And he grinned as I opened them. I knew I was loved. A lot of the time, it feels like my worth is tied to grades, but today… today I just felt so loved and blessed, just because… just because. <'3

{Awesome Friends}

What can I say?

In order I received the gifts…

• Pollymod made me a picture for Christmas. It's spirit!Kris! He did an amazing job, and I love the artwork. I have it as my desktop now, and it'll probably stay there. I don't change desktops often. (I think I've done it four times now over the past three years, one time due to my hard drive dying.)
  
  He's also been a really great RP partner. Ask!Apollo is Kristoph's best friend, and their exchange of gifts was particularly touching. I'm so glad to have met Pollymod this year—we've had a great time.
  
• Hunter wrote up scenes for us. I ended up getting an extra one! It was a nice surprise. We weren't able to talk much this month, but I've been happy with the RCIs we have done. It's been awesome.
  
• Droooooooo~ Drew drew pictures of us! That was cool. He's been working hard on his stories, which are always awesome to read. Even so, he takes the time to read my stuff… which is really great! I like being able to discuss things, and this month in particular has been very significant.
  
  I especially want to express gratitude for his support regarding my difficulties earlier this month. Thank you muchly.
  
• VAPORNATOR~ She drew a picture of all of us, complete with a headcanon guide! My dear dragon, I would love to wear long swishy skirts. Sadly I do not own any. I seek to remedy this in the spring. Stay tuned.
  
  It was great to see you again, Vaporluff.
  
• FRANZY! Oh gosh, the mod for askyoungfran made me my very own theme song! It sounds like something out of Golden Sun! I really love it. It's called Torkie's Theme~ Dawn of the Traveling Writer, and it's very fitting. I've had it looping ever since I opened it. (It's available for download, actually, if you want it yourself!)
  
  You probably won't read this, but thanks for being an awesome mod and a good friend. Good luck with those mock trials! I am certain you shall perform perfectly.
  
• Azziiiiiiiiieeeeee~ Spazzieazzie <3 Azziespazzie <3 You are a darling and just you reading my stories was great. You've always been great to me and all my characters.
  
  Kris especially appreciates all you've done for him. You're such a dear.
  
• CHLOEMOOOOOO 8UUUUUU I hope you enjoyed your Christmas pudding
  we actually got some pudding ourselves, it ought to be interesting
  I look forward to my picture.
  
  You've been great and sdfsdfsdf YOU ARE AN AWESOME ARTIST DON'T DENY IT >:U
  
  also tumblr is your fault
  
• PFAAAAAAAAAA~ We didn't really get to talk as much as usual, but I'm glad that as I finally stopped bothering you at all hours, you had more time to work on your site. :'D *Thumbs up* Awesome updates.
  
  As usual you are AN AWESOME WRITING PARTNER and a wonderful friend. <3
  
• BETTYMING
  
  *Salutes* I KNOW I HAVEN'T TALKED MUCH BUT YOU REMAIN AWESOME
  KEEP BEING AWESOME
  

I met a lot of other great people on Tumblr, too, but that's a story for another place.

All in all, I feel happy. Truly happy and loved. And that, my friends, is my paradise.

God bless you all. <3

[Deleted]

Year three already? Man do I feel old.

I wish this were as happy as my other entries, but it's more contemplative than anything.

For a very long time, I have been looking forward to this break. I was desperate to see my family. I was weeping in loneliness and a sense of mad despair, that there was no one around that I could connect with. I was overjoyed when we finally arrived back home again.

Yes, home. That place is very much my home. A majority of my family lives there or within reasonable driving distance. Our family gatherings are enormous, and we hold almost every meal together. It wasn't just a dinner on Thursday. Our Thanksgiving lasts at least four days, lunch and dinner each day. We go to Mass, and this year we also saw a musical (The Christmas Schooner). My two youngest (first) cousins were one of the main characters.

They have such beautiful voices. They aren't the little boys I remember, that I always think of when I think of them. They're much taller and more vocal now, and slowly becoming less of an annoyance. The one of them entertained me while we were waiting in the car by holding my hand and singing "That's What Loving Sons Are For" from his musical. Gosh, they're gonna be such charmers in a year or two! I'm almost afraid of what I'll see next year—the older of the two will surely be taller than me by then, and maybe his voice will have broken. They're growing to be fine young men, and I am proud of them… but it makes me sad, too.

Every year, we go back up there and my younger cousins are older and more mature. My older cousins… I've seen them dating, then engaged, then married, and now they're starting to have kids. The family is growing.

It is very healing to be among people who share my values. I really, really needed that kind of nurturing environment. And I belong with a family.

Call me old fashioned, but that's just where my heart is. With the big meals and lots of people. Prepared by hand, not a TV dinner or canned. With conversations that go on for hours and hours, card games that also last hours, and hearing stories from all my relatives. Books everywhere, and music and singing. A good way to understand is to take me and multiply by about 25. There are more people there usually, but not everyone participates a whole lot.

Yes, we went shopping. I got new long johns because my old ones were falling apart. Got some black flats because I am so tired of having to choose between high-heels and tennis shoes when I want to go somewhere. (Some of you may find this amusing. Remember the post I made last year about getting some very cute black pumps? Mom said this year—while we were talking to some of my cousins—that that was the worst shopping decision that had been made, since I couldn't really walk in high-heels.)

I was unhappy we had to leave. I did not want to go. The food and company had been something I had very much needed. So were the books I read—largely about Reagan and Bl. JP II, with some family albums here and there. I needed that, and I still want it.

I do not want to go back to being all by myself, with no one to eat with, no one to play cards with, or Scrabble, or go to Mass with, or talk about God and country and family. To be all by myself. It's not the same at all with my small group of friends, and I don't have the money to buy groceries that often besides. (I am so broke, I can't really afford to eat the way I need to. I really hope I can get a job tutoring so that I can fix that oversight.)

I belong with a family. A large family that does things together. Would I want to do that every day? Not particularly, that would be exhausting after a while. But at least weekly, I would like that.

And yet, time marches on. I go back to school tomorrow. I can only hope and pray that I'll keep the lessons I learned and that sense of belonging for at least a little longer. I need to hang in there until at least Christmas.

[Deleted]

Iiiiiiiiiiiiit's that time of the year again, dears.

I finally got my computer back from repairs yesterday morning. I am delighted at how much better the keyboard works, though the trackpad is acting kind of odd and the backlight for the keys isn't working… so we're going to have to take it back in.

Dad lent me a small screwdriver, so I was finally able to put a battery into my Angry Birds toothbrush. Hooray!

I got kicked out of my room and slept downstairs in the basement again, since Grandma was spending the night and had my room. Yesterday was lovely and we had such a big dinner that we didn't get to dessert, because we were all full. The best part was probably the bread for the cheese fondue: we made it ourselves, let the dough rise and everything. It was delicious.

Mass was very nice, though… different. Different priest, a new guy. He's from India, and we were in the cafeteria/gathering space downstairs and the sound system wasn't the best, so it was hard to understand him at times. We got there half an hour early and it was in the lower level (Christmas and Easter Masses are on both the main level where the actual church is and in the lower level at the same time, since there are so many people), so we hoped to get seats. When we got there, however, all the seats were taken and people were standing. And more and more people kept coming. We are quite certain there are more chairs than what they put out. We had to leave early because my mother, grandmother, and I could not even sit too long on the linoleum because it is so hard on our backs. (Runs in the family, can you tell?)

Watching A Charlie Brown Christmas was more poignant than usual for me. People who know me will know why, I'd rather not get into that.

I was awakened pretty early this morning, but that was okay. I very much enjoyed the morning. There was a nice warm fire and good music, and it was fun watching everyone unwrap gifts. I am especially pleased that my sister liked the gift I gave her and that my gift to Dad was actually useful.

As for me, I got just about everything I asked for. New retainers, fixed computer (mostly?), books, DVDs, a plush Angry Bird, and much to my delight: another wooden rosary. FINALLY. The bead and chain ones are so beautiful but tragically fragile. This one I can take to college with peace of mind, and it won't break if tangled en route.

Lots of good food and games today. Was pretty much busy all day. I am all social'd out, though, and I hope we are given a chance to rest these next few days.